Forums for The Plothole

The NeS Heroes were watching the Shoggoth intently.
 
Newb: “I think it’s that one. The one rubbing its arse on the ground.”
 
Losien: “No, no. I think it’s that one. Licking his… um… unmentionables.”
 
Newb: “Good grief, anyone would think you were born a prim and proper princess.”
 
Losien: “Well…”
 
Wai: “Surely it’s the one that’s rolling around in the mud?”
 
Iriana: “It’s a pity his little doggy collar isn’t visible. That would make it much easier.”
 
Losien: “I never thought of that. Does the collar change size and shape with him or just disappear? I never noticed.”
 
Newb: “Actually, I’ve just figured out how to lure him over to us.”
 
Losien: “How?”
 
Newb grabbed Wai by the arm.
 
Wai: “I’m not dancing with you.”
 
She yanked his robotic arm out of its socket.
 
Wai: “Ouch! What the hell!?”
 
Newb: “Oh. I thought there’d be more fleshy stuff. No blood or anything.”
 
Losien: “Thankfully! This is a family-friendly story!”
 
Newb frowned at Losien.
 
Newb: “Didn’t you have sex, on-camera, in a laundromat? Twice?”
 
Losien straightened her back and rose her chin with dignity.
 
Losien: “It. Was. Censored.”
 
Newb: “Because that makes it okay.”
 
Without further talk, she threw Wai’s arm into the air.
 
Newb: “Robo-bone, come and get it! Sweet, sweet metal!”
 
Instantly, one of the Shoggoth turned its head and sniffed the air with its monstrous snout. Then it bound towards them.
 
Wai: “No! No! Don’t--!”
 
It chomped on the arm, which went straight into its huge maw.
 
Newb: “Relax, Wai. You’ll get it back.”
 
She lifted up Char’s voice box and casually sauntered over to the happy Shoggoth, glancing over her shoulder.
 
Newb: “Eventually.”
 
Iriana: “Would the arm change size with his stomach?”
 
Losien: “I hope so! Or it’ll be very… messy.”
 
Wai looked dejected.
 
Wai: “Either way, it’s going to be messy for my arm.”
 
Losien cringed.
 
Losien: “I’m sure you can… clean it.”
 
Iriana: “How much time does a dog’s digestive system take, exactly?”
 
Wai: “No matter the answer, it’s not long enough…”
 
He waggled his stump.
 
A moment later and Newb rejoined them.
 
Newb: “Done. Now, we just need to speak to the Shoggoth to let us go back to our submarine and leave. The voice thing should automatically translate for us, Char set it to the ancient Shoggoth woof language. Right, fella?”
 
Char looked at them.
 
Newb: “You can’t talk, remember?”
 
He held a thumb up.
 
Losien: “Alright. What should we say?”
 
Newb snatched the microphone.
 
CopySHOGGOTH: “I’m Batman!” *translated from Ye Olde Shoggoth
 
Losien groaned.
 
Losien: “Newb…”
 
The Shoggoth were confused, but they had been confused by much of what their new idol had tried to say to them. CopyKAT himself appeared confused that he was talking, whilst not talking. He looked around his own head for signs of his mouth moving.
 
CopySHOGGOTH: “This is the voice of the Mysterons!”
 
Losien snatched back the microphone.
 
CopySHOGGOTH: “Listen to me now, creepy monster people!”
 
Iriana: “They’re called Shoggoth.”
 
CopySHOGGOTH: “Yes, I know what they’re called! Thank you, Iriana!”
 
Losien clamped a hand over her mouth as the Shoggoth started to look at each other with some suspicion.
 
CopySHOGGOTH: “I need to return to my submarine now. So I can… spread the… faith. The faith of the creepy monster people!”
 
Iriana: “Shoggoth.”
 
CopySHOGGOTH: “Stop reminding me, Iriana! I bloody know!”
 
Wai nudged Losien.
 
CopySHOGGOTH: “Uh, I mean--! I know… the truth… of… the creepy monster people gods! Don’t even say it, Iriana! Mouth. Close it. No, I see you wanting to say it. No. Don’t open your mouth. I know what they’re called!”
 
Wai: “Maybe you should let me try?”
 
CopySHOGGOTH: “I’ve got this! What was I saying? Oh yeah. I shall go forth and spread the word of our gods, no matter how ugly and monstrous they may be! And my friends too! They are the… uh… acolytes of the faith! Is acolyte a word? Does it mean priests? Okay, whatever. So, now you know. We will leave you now. Bye-bye then.”
 
Aladdyn: “How will we convinced our transforming buddy to follow us?”
 
CopySHOGGOTH: “Come on, boy! Good doggy!”
 
The giant monster started to get excited by the sound of his own voice and was energetically looking around for himself to run to.
 
CopySHOGGOTH: “Follow Losien. Remember Losien? Your best friend? That’s right. Leave the creepy monster peop- Oh, my god, Iriana! Why are you being so pedantic all of a sudden? I know! I know their stupid name! I know! I—are they looking at us?”
 
The heroes look up to find a horde of angry Shoggoth looking down at them.
 
Wai: “I think I peed myself…”
 
Losien: “You can’t pee. You don’t have the internal organs…”
 
Wai: “And yet. It happened anyway…”
 
Losien: “Maybe we should… edge away…?”
 
They took a slow step back. The Shoggoth took one large step forward. The heroes felt very, very small right now.
 
Newb: “I really don’t want to die like this…”
 
Losien: “Swallowed by creepy monster people?”
 
Iriana: “Sh—”
 
Newb: “We feed Iriana to them first!”
 
Losien: “For once, I agree.”
 
Suddenly an army of merfolk descended onto the Shoggoth, pitchforks raised. They ought to have tridents, but they’re too broke for such fancy weapons, so they just came with the pitchforks they use to farm kelp and underwater wheat.
 
Losien: “Underwater wheat!?”
 
Along with the underwater oranges they like to eat.
 
Losien: “Ridiculous. But fine. Let’s take this sudden deus ex machina and vamoosh!”
 
Merfolk #4: “Save the princess! Save the princess!”
 
Merfolk #3: “No! We’re here to capture the princess!”
 
Merfolk #5: “Which one is it? They’re all the same. And very ugly. Aren’t princesses supposed to be beautiful?”
 
Merfolk #3: “Those are monsters! Kill them and grab the humans!”
 
The battle was fierce, the Shoggoth were very big and the merfolk very small. But they were very nimble with their tails, and desperate for the joys of Atlantean treasure.
 
The heroes were well gone. Only one of them had a tail, and that was certainly between his legs now that he had turned himself back into a dog.
 
Losien: “Welcome back, CopyKAT.”
 
CopyKAT just whimpered, but was thinking; ‘If I was still in my old body I could take these guys! I think! If I could remember what my old body was… My stomach feels awful. What did I eat?’
 
Finally they reached the entrance to Underwateropolis, where they had parked Honeybee the submarine.
 
Losien: “Uh… where the hell is she?”
 
Wai: “I think that might be it…”
 
With his sole arm, he was pointing to a retreating submarine.
 
Wai: “I think I can see those Liverpudlians onboard.”
 
Losien: “The Beatles stole our submarine!?”
 
Newb: “They are scousers.”
 
Iriana: “How will we get it back? Honeybee! Come back!”
 
Aladdyn hopped up and down, waving his arms.
 
Aladdyn: “Come back! Come back!”
 
Losien turned on CopyKAT and crouched down, grabbing the dog’s shoulders.
 
Losien: “You need to turn into a whale and swim us after the submarine!”
 
The dog blinked, stupidly, at her. He had no idea what a whale was.
 
Voice in CopyKAT: “Ahem. Is this working now? No? Where did it go?”
 
Losien rose an eyebrow at the dog and lifted him up. Nothing. The voice definitely came from the dog.
 
Voice in CopyKAT: “T-t-typical.”
 
Losien: “Char?”
 
She turned to look up at him and he tilted his head. She looked back at CopyKAT.
 
Losien: “Oh… well… at least Wai’s arm has company in there.”
 
CopyKAT’s stomach: “You don’t m-m-mean--!?”

Losien: "Maybe we shouldn't bother to find out what happens next - but we will!"

She looks at the ominous games being reenacted around them.

Losien: "We must counter this with the best game of all time!"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Minesweeper?"

Everyone looks at Aladdyn like he's an idiot. So in other words, like they always look at him.

Losien: "Dark Forces 2: Jedi Knight!"

Now everyone looks at Losien like she's an idiot.

Losien: "Well, that's what my brother says, and he's the family's video game expert!"

Newb: "Nah, Perfect Dark is way better. A game where you can pull off headshots without getting arrested for it? Perfect!"

Char: "Also dark."

Iriana: "Nonsense, the best game of all time is Mario Kart! I play Princess Peach."

CopyKAT: "Woof!"

Translation: The best game of all time is some obscure game from his previous incarnation's homeworld.

Losien: "Quick! Everyone load up their favorite game!"

No one does anything except stare at each other.

Losien: "Oh great, we can't do anything unless the writer writes us doing it."

Char: "A curious explanation for this strange mass paralysis, through the lens of your beliefs."

Newb: "The writer must be busy loading up his favorite game..."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Hooray! He's getting to play Minesweeper!"

The submarine churns valiantly on through the icy waters towards Antarctica. Onboard everyone laughs for relief, hugging each other and clapping each other on the back. Albeit when Aladdyn tries to hug Newb, she claps him on the back to get him away.

Char: "That was simply amazing."

Iriana: "Well, I admit it was an unexpected use of a niche skill set, but it was hardly that great."

Newb: "Ugh, stop being so modest. It makes me look like a braggart when I talk about how I used the explosion to shake the shoggoths off our trail."

She pauses.

Newb: "But you guys did see how awesome I was when I used the explosion to shake the shoggoths off our trail, right?"

Aladdyn L Quirk: "Totally! It was the bee's wheeze!"

He receives a smack upside the head for his latest malapropism, but takes it in stride as yet another slap from the mysteriously slap-happy Newb.

Losien: "It was definitely amazing, and this is a win in my book. Through teamwork and the use of our various skills, we all escaped from certain death unscathed!"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Yeah! Wait, how did we do it? I can't seem to actually remember what we did..."

Char: "Oh dear, perhaps we didn't escape unscathed if you're having short-term memory loss. I should give your head an examination. But first I'll recount what happened to see if that jogs your memory. When we ran into that mine, Iriana-"

Losien: "Hush, Char! Don't break the magic!"

Char: "I beg your pardon?"

Losien: "Not literal magic, but it's a narrative trope! None of us actually know how we did it, because the writer doesn't know either! It's a Noodle Incident he's pulling out of his ass because he ran out of ideas!"

Char looks at Losien very strangely.

Char: "It seems you might have taken a blow to the head too. We do know what we did. As I was saying, Iriana-"

Losien: "LALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

She puts her hands over her ears and runs away.

Char: "Oh dear."

CopyKAT: "Woof!"

Translation: I know what happened, because I saw everything. Smelled everything too. Yuck. This body's nose is too sensitive sometimes...

While everyone is chatting and celebrating their mysterious victory, Wai returned holding a broom.
 
Wai: “I’m ready.”
 
Losien: “Ready for what?”
 
Wai: “To do the mine sweeping, what else?”
 
There was silence.
 
Losien: “It’s not… you don’t use a…”
 
Realising that he had made an embarrassing faux pas, he did the only sensible thing he could do. He straightened his back, regained his composure, and then walked back out without a word.
 
Newb: “Hey, wait a minute, how—”
 
Losien: “Don’t say it.”
 
Newb: “What?”
 
Losien: “Whenever someone says, ‘hey, wait a minute, how…’ there is only one end result, and it’s the p-word.”
 
Newb: “P-word?”
 
CopyKAT’s Thoughts: Piss!?
 
Newb: “Prick?”
 
Iriana: “…poop?”
 
Newb: “Who would censor the word poop!? How old are you?”
 
Iriana’s lower lip jutted in a stubborn pout.
 
Iriana: “It’s a bad word!”
 
Losien: “It’s not a bad word!”
 
Iriana: “It is!”
 
Losien: “No, I don’t mean poop!”
 
Iriana gasped.
 
Iriana: “It’s a bad word! Don’t say it!”
 
Losien: “I meant—wait, you just said poop yourself!”
 
Char: “Perhaps we should just agree to stop saying it altogether, whether it’s a bad word or not? Repeating poop at each other is just… demeaning.”
 
Newb: “You just repeated it.”
 
Char: “Then we are all guilty of word crimes.”
 
Newb: “So what’s the P-word?”
 
Losien: “I don’t want to say it. It will happen. First word P. Second word hole.”
 
Iriana gasped with horror. Newb frowned at her.
 
Newb: “I’m sure it’s not poophole, Iriana.”
 
Iriana clamped her hands over her eyes.
 
Iriana: “Ew, ew, ew!”
 
Newb: “But anyway! You don’t even know what I was going to say.”
 
Losien: “I do. Just… hand wave it, Newb. It doesn’t matter, does it?”
 
To demonstrate, Losien waved a hand across the air like she was trying to play Jedi mind tricks on everyone and wore a vapid, airy smile. Newb, however, had a mind darker and dingier than any Hutt.
 
Newb: “How’d we get on the sub again? All that stuff was happening and suddenly, we were on the sub. And where did The Beatles go? And—”
 
There was a dull noise that vibrated the world around them.
 
Losien: “Here it comes…”
 
Char: “Oh dear, what is this?”
 
Losien: “Plothole!”
 
Suddenly a hole in the air opened up and started trying to suck in everything around them. Through the hole, they could see the sub again, but The Beatles were all standing there, trying to stamp on the rainbow-cartridges.
 
Char: “It seems to be an alternate reality through that wormhole!”
 
Losien: “Plothole!”
 
Newb: “What do we do!?”
 
Losien: “We need… some kind of plot thread to make this version of the story carry on without being sucked back into the other one!”
 

---

 
Right on cue, something was happening far, far away. Not so far we go to another galaxy though. In fact, we’re on the same planet. So not really that far away. More like sort of far away. A bit far away. Not too close away.
 
Adolf Hitler: “Zig heil!”
 
Adolf Hitler, back from the dead. One of the most evil men in human history. He stood, wearing a grey uniform with a red band on his arm. Except, this time, there is no Nazi symbology…
 
Cradled under his right arm was a tiny poodle, who was sporting an adorable haircut.
 
Adolf Hitler: “The era of the Fourth Reich shall commence with the birth of a new German Empire! The Vegetarian Empire!”
 
Random Vegie-Soldier: “Down with the sausage-eaters!”
 
The vegie-brigade marched en masse into the Reichstag, where the current German government were trying to figure out how to deal with the 5G-zombie-plague. The vegie-brigade all wore bright green uniforms and red armbands, bearing a symbol of a cauliflower. The soldiers rounded up the politicians at gunpoint, with Hitler then entering the chamber.
 
Angela Merkel: “Not you again…”
 
Adolf Hitler: “Is that any way to speak to the new Chancellor of Germany!?”
 
Angela Merkel: “Over my dead body!”
 
Adolf Hitler grinned wildly.
 
Adolf Hitler: “That can be arranged!”
 
Angela Merkel keeled over, as though in pain.
 
Angela Merkel: “Noooo! Not… clichéd dialogue… can’t… stand such… unoriginality…”
 
Adolf Hitler: “Fraulein, you have… no idea…”
 
Angela Merkel: “Noooooo! You’re a mad man!”
 
Adolf Hitler: “No. I am… vegetarian!”
 
Random Vegie-Soldier: “Down with the sausage-eaters!”
 
Random Politician: “Sausages specifically? I prefer a good steak myself, can I go?”
 
Random Vegie-Soldier: “Oh right. I guess so.”
 
The guy stood up, relieved, but Hitler noticed.
 
Adolf Hitler: “Oi! Get back in line! You’ll get what’s coming to you!”
 
Angela Merkel: “Noooooooo!”
 
Hitler petted his dog.
 
Adolf Hitler: “Are you ready to rule the world, Mr Fluffball? Don’t worry, I will save all doggo-kind from these savages!”
 
Angela Merkel: “But, Germans don’t eat dogs.”
 
Adolf Hitler: “All animals are doggos!”
 
Angela Merkel: “What? An elephant?”
 
Adolf Hitler: “Big-ass doggo.”
 
Angela Merkel: “Fox?”
 
Adolf Hitler: “Red doggo.”
 
Angela Merkel: “Hamster.”
 
Adolf Hitler: “Tiny-ass doggo.”
 
Angela Merkel: “You can’t just--! Rat!”
 
Adolf Hitler: “Sewer doggo.”
 
Angela Merkel: “This is stupid. Dolphin!”
 
Adolf Hitler: “Ocean doggo.”
 
Angela Merkel: “Whale! Aha!”
 
Adolf Hitler: “Big-ass ocean doggo!”
 
Angela Merkel: “I give up.”
 
Adolf Hitler: “The first victory for the Vegie-Nation! Free the doggos!”
 

---

 
The plothole gave a wet slap as it slammed shut, trapping The Beatles in the alternative narrative timeline.
 
Losien: “Lucky. I guess something happened somewhere.”
 
Newb: “Hopefully, we’ll never know about it.”
 
Honeybee: “What are you guys doing? You’re really tickling my insides…”
 
Horrified and embarrassed silence from all.
 
Except Aladdyn.
 
Aladdyn: “Coochy-coochy-coo!”
 
Honeybee: “Teehee!”
 

---

 
NSN: Sorry it’s badly written, I rushed it. ☹

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "I don't see the problem."

Newb: "Of course you don't."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Why would we want to be at the Arctic that's full of ants?"

There's a moment of silence before everyone collectively decides to ignore that statement and move on as if he never said it.

Char: "We're very far away from our target now. I'm uncertain what the quickest way across the globe is."

Iriana: "Santa Claus!"

CopyKAT: "Woof!"

Translation: Sand o' Claws? If he has claws he probably knows how to fight! Maybe he's an honorable warrior like me!

Wai: "Erm, what good would Santa do us? Theoretically speaking."

Iriana: "Silly, everyone knows his sleigh is fast enough to get around the world in a single night."

Losien: "No! We can't do this, Christmas is already over!"

Char: "And? That just means he'll be h-home!"

Losien: "No, I mean, we can't do a Christmas-related story arc when it's not Christmas!"

Aladdyn L Quirk: "Sure we can! Christmas in July, you know."

Losien: "It's not July!"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "That's no problem, all we have to do is camp out here for six months till July!"

Everyone else facepalms.

Newb: "Losien's reservations aside, we have our mission now. Assassinate Santa and steal his sleigh!"

Everyone looks astonished at her.

Newb: "What?"

Wai: "Or, you know, we could just ask him if we can borrow it..."

Later…
 
Newb: “So. Now you all agree we assassinate Santa and steal his sleigh?”
 
Everyone, exhausted and desperate;
 
Everyone: “YES!”
 

---

 
Earlier…
 
Losien: “As are not going to assassinate Santa Claus, Newb. That would destroy Christmas!”
 
Newb: “We can replace him with an angry leprechaun. It would make Christmas way more exciting!”
 
Iriana Emp: “But leprechauns wear green, not red!”
 
Newb: “Suckers of capitalism.”
 
Iriana Emp: “What?”
 
Newb: “It was Coca-Cola that gave him his red outfit! He used to wear green. And he used to be skinny!”
 
Iriana Emp: “Why did he get so fat? And why did he agree to wear red?”
 
Newb: “Same answer to both, Newb. Free coke. Now he sits around guzzling coke all the time, so long as he wears Coca-Cola red for Christmas.”
 
Losien: “I think that’s an urban legend, Newb.”
 
Newb: “Your face is an urban legend.”
 
Char: “I b-b-believe Father Christmas is a v-very old and r-refined gentlemen that has existed in one f-form or another since ancient t-times. I f-find it hard to believe that he would… what is the term? Sell out?”
 
Newb: “Says you.”
 
Char: “Besides, he was always a p-portly man, p-prone to… revelling.”
 
Newb: “Well, whatever the case, we need to watch out for those leprechauns he has as slaves.”
 
Wai: “Now you’re entering Aladdyn levels of ignorance, Newb. He has elves, and they’re his magical helpers.”
 
Newb: “Propaganda! Sure, they’re all sheepish smiles when Coca-Cola rolls up with the cameras. And they’re obviously not elves! They’re tiny, and they wear green. They’re leprechauns.”
 
Losien: “None of this really matters, does it? Let’s just meet Santa and ask him if we can please hitch a lift south. All the way south.”
 
Wai jerked a thumb back at the submarine sitting in the cold waters.
 
Wai: “We can’t just leave her here, can we?”
 
Losien: “She can transform, remember?”
 
Honeybee: “Not with you all watching me! A little privacy, please?”
 
The NeS Heroes all sigh and turn away from Honeybee, the transforming vehicle-robot. They stand awkwardly, in quiet, trying to think of something to say.
 
Iriana Emp: “Nice weather we’re having?”
 
Newb: “If by nice you mean I have icicles dangling from my knickers, then sure.”
 
Honeybee: “Okay! What do you think?”
 
They turned to find a double-decker tour bus, still coloured in signature off-kilter clown colours with a body of pastel blue decorated with comical flower drawings. However, the wheels have been replaced with bright red sleds.
 
Aladdyn claps energetically.
 
Newb: “Holy shit, it’s a Vengabus.”
 
Wai: “If cheesy Europop starts playing and dance routines, I’m sticking with the ice wastes.”
 
The NeS Heroes clamber onto the “Vengabus” and take up seated positions. Fortunately this bus drives herself because no one has passed their driver’s licence. Honeybee’s horn honks, clown-style, as she skids off across the Arctic in search of Father Christmas’ abode.
 
At the back of the bus is Newb, of course. Rebel that she is.
 
At the front of the bus is Iriana, sitting next to CopyKAT the pug.
 
Iriana Emp: “Say hello.”
 
CopyKAT’s thoughts: “We have established, squishy human girl, I cannot speak your language. I can only say—”
 
CopyKAT: “Woof!”
 
Iriana Emp: “No. Try again. Heeeello~!”
 
CopyKAT: “Repeating the word slower isn’t going to make a blind bit of difference, fleshy-one. This body is not equipped—”
 
CopyKAT: “Henlo.”
 
Iriana Emp: “HE DID IT!”
 
CopyKAT’s thought: “Holy Greyskull! I managed to say one of these human words!”
 
Iriana Emp: “Can you say… Iriana?”
 
CopyKAT: “Iri. Iri. Iri. Iri.”
 
CopyKAT’s thoughts: “Close enough.”
 
Iriana Emp: “And the rest. Iri-ana.”
 
CopyKAT’s thoughts: “Don’t push me!”
 
Wai: “Is it actually talking?”
 
Wai looks at the pug from the seat behind, careful not to get too close to his arch-nemesis.
 
Iriana Emp: “Of course! He’s a good boy!”
 
CopyKAT: “Gud boye?”
 
Iriana Emp: “See? He’s a genius dog.”
 
CopyKAT: “Oh hecc, mny wordz. Doin me a educate.”
 
Wai: “I would be impressed, but a talking dog is hardly the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen.”
 
Iriana Emp: “You’re just jealous.”
 
Wai: “I can talk too, you know?”
 
Iriana Emp: “I meant you’re jealous because he’s my dog, not yours.”
 
Wai: “Pretty sure he’s a stray. And didn’t we learn earlier that he’s an alien dog or something?”
 
Newb shouts from the back;
 
Newb: “Need to teach it attack commands, Iriana! That’ll shut Wai up.”
 
CopyKAT: “Wan attacc? KAT attacc mech-hooman.”
 
Iriana Emp: “No, no, no! No attacking!”
 
CopyKAT: “Hekkin mech-hooman.”
 
Wai: “Stupid space-dog.”
 
Suddenly, there’s the sound of a shotgun blast and everyone dove for the floor. Except Honeybee, of course, who skidded to a stop and tried to look like a very small oversized, blue bus in an arctic desert.
 
CopyKAT: “Did me a hekkin scare!”
 
Wai: “Is there a way to shut the dog up now it’s started?”
 
Losien: “Did someone just shoot at our bus?”
 
Losien went up to the front window and peeped over the dashboard. Outside is a figure of a man, stood like a lone ranger of the icy wastes, a shotgun primed and ready.
 
Santa Claus: “Ya’ll can clear offa my lawn and go back to where ya’ll came from, ya Martian lizard people!”
 
The overweight man is dressed in his usual red garb and black boots. His floppy red hat, still with a white pom-pom on the end, is emblazoned with the words, “Make Arctic Great Again”.
 
Newb: “Does he seriously think we’re Martians!?”
 
Wai: “Crazy bastard. Martians are all but extinct! And they definitely didn’t go round posing as humans!”
 
The others look at Wai dubiously.
 
Wai: “What? I met one.”
 
Newb: “Not sure if I want to deal with the crazy out there, or the crazy in here.”
 
Wai glowered at Newb and pointed to CopyKAT.
 
Wai: “Dude, we have a space-dog!”
 
CopyKAT: “I am havin a excite! Wan KAT attacc MAGA-man?”
 
Iriana Emp: “No attacking, KAT!”
 
Newb: “Dunno, maybe the dog could help?”
 
Losien waved her arms above the dashboard, behind which everyone was now crouched.
 
Losien: “Hello, Mr Claus! We’re not Martians!”
 
Santa Claus: “How do I know that’s true, huh!? I saw it on tha tee-vee! The 5G network ya’ll blue-blooded Marties been setting up here on Earth, turnin’ us all inta zombies! I seen it on tha news! And I saw tha tweets sayin’ it was you Marties! Comin down here, tryna steal ma Coca-Cola!”
 
Newb: “So much for your respectable gentleman, Char.”
 
Char: “T-time takes its toll… perhaps.”
 
Losien: “If you could just… listen to us for a moment? We’re not Martians. We’re humans!”
 
She suddenly looks back at her team.
 
Losien: “Uh… okay… only Newb can come out with me. The rest of you… uh… stay out of sight.”
 
Aladdyn: “I get it! Out of mind, out of sight!”
 
Losien: “Something like that, sure.”
 
Wai: “But I look human anyway! And she is human!”
 
Wai gestured to Iriana. Losien spread a sweet smile on her face that was the kind of smile you wear when you know what you’re about to say is mean and offensive and you wish you didn’t have to say it.
 
Losien: “But… Iriana… your choice of fashion… the bright pink Medieval dress… well, we don’t want to give him any ammunition for his paranoia, do we?”
 
Iriana gave a sad pout and looked down at her pretty dress and Losien felt like a monster.
 
Newb pointed at Wai.
 
Newb: “And you have a bowel cut. I want to shoot you.”
 
CopyKAT: “KAT can do for hoomans! KAT know how to do! KAT master ninja. KAT know nutjitsu!”
 
Losien: “What?”
 
CopyKAT: “BORK! BORK!”
 
A moment later and the pug rushed from the bus and charged his little puggy legs across the ice, straight for Santa. The gun-toting, Martian-hater was taken by surprise as the dog leapt into the air, teeth ready.
 
Santa Claus: “AAAAH! MA NUTS!!!”
 
Losien: “Oh… my… god…”
 
Santa’s nuts fell to the ground.
 
Wai: “The dog’s an idiot.”
 
Santa Claus: “This is the North Pole! Yannow how long it takes ta get those cashew nuts imported, ya mangy animal!?”
 
With a mouthful of cashew nuts, CopyKAT looked up at Santa Claus.
 
CopyKAT: “Wrong nuts. Hekk.”
 
The shotgun barrel lowered.
 
CopyKAT: “HEKK! HEKK!”
 
He ran for it, tiny tail between his legs.
 
CopyKAT: “YIPE! YIPE! YIPE!”
 
Iriana Emp: “My dog! KAT!”
 
Newb: “You can’t say dog and then say cat like that. It’s so confu—Iriana! What’re you doing!?”
 
Iriana ran off the bus to fetch the space-dog. Before Newb jumped off the bus after Iriana.
 
Wai: “They’re all going to get shot!”
 
Char: “This is unprecedented levels of drama! A good dose of therapy would do everyone here the world of good!”
 
The bus doors shut.
 
Char: “Losien?”
 
She was in the driver’s seat with a determined look on her face.
 
Losien: “Accelerate, Honeybee.”
 
Wai: “You don’t actually have to be in the driver’s seat tell her th—whoa!”
 
The bus went straight for Santa Claus. He saw the vehicle coming and his shot at the dog went wide. A moment later and he leapt out of the way, dropping his floppy-MAGA hat as he skidded across the ice.
 
Losien opened the doors again and waved to the three wayward members.
 
The dog shot between Iriana’s legs, then Newb’s and straight onto the bus without a glance back. Iriana about-turned and was running back before Newb lifted her up and ran with her the rest of the way. When they were back on, Losien gave them both a hug.
 
Char: “I think we could all do with some camomile tea r-right now!”
 
A shotgun blast hit the side of the bus and Honeybee puts her own pedal down, driving to escape the gun-wielding maniac.
 
Newb: “So. Now you all agree we assassinate Santa and steal his sleigh?”
 
Everyone, exhausted and desperate;
 
Everyone: “YES!”
 
Char: “Except for the assassinate part, y-yes? D-d-death is a permanent condition. There is no r-recovery.”
 
Losien, feeling that her last words to Iriana could have been to insult her on her choice of clothing looked darkly at Char.
 
Losien: “We’ll see…”

Iriana: "Come, just one roll over. You can do it!"

CopyKAT disdains Iriana's attempts to teach him tricks as Honeybee rolls over the snow. He's more interested in the cashews, which he's scarfing down. Suddenly he jerks upright.

CopyKAT: "KAT feel hekkin disturb in da universe! Like a million Looney Azz cried out in terrah, and were a suddenly silence!"

He belches then.

CopyKAT: "Never the mind, it was the hekkin nuts!"

He scarfs down some more. Iriana scolds him.

Iriana: "Learn some manners! Say excuse me!"

CopyKAT continues to disdain her.

Iriana: "If you say excuse me I'll give you a tummy rub!"

Before he quite knows what he's doing, CopyKAT immediately rolls over, tail wagging excitedly.

CopyKAT: "Ex squeeze the me! Tummy rubby! I am havin a hekkin excite!"

From atop an icy ridge, our NeS Heroes peer down at the icy gate of the icy fortress on this icy day.
 
Newb: “I’ll give you an icy punch in a minute.”
 
So cold…
 
Losien: “This is a no pun zone!”
 
Losien was afraid of freezing her assets.
 
Newb: “Haha, she is a bit frigid.”
 
Losien: “I said no pun zone! And I’m not frigid! I just haven’t dated in… a while.”
 
Char: “Please lubricate me more, Wai.”
 
Newb and Losien look at each other, afraid to turn around.
 
Newb: “What… are you two doing back there?”
 
Wai: “Char needs oiling.”
 
That didn’t really improve in the minds of the two women.
 
Losien: “We’re talking about oil for your joints, not for massaging, right Char?”
 
Char: “I’m not sure there’s much of a difference, Losien. My joints are stiff and need lubrication. It’s a form of massage if you think about it.”
 
Losien: “Okay. Panic over.”
 
She looked at Newb, still a little wary.
 
Losien: “You should turn around first.”
 
Newb: “Oh, I get to be the canary, do I?
 
She turned around and Wai was just smearing oil into Char’s joints as stated. She smirked.
 
Newb: “Yeah, Wai is totally boning Char. It’s really gross. Robo-penis and everything.”
 
Losien: “WHAT!?”
 
In horror, Losien turned and Newb roared with get mirth.
 
Newb: “You actually looked! HAHAHAHA!”
 
Losien: “I didn’t mean to—I just—you’re such a pain.”
 
Char: “I feel a little more discretion would be in order, Losien. Shouting like that will draw the attention of the guards.”
 
Losien, still grumbling, turned back around to look down at the icy fortress.
 
Char: “And a little more manners from you, Ms Newb, would be appreciated.”
 
Newb: “How’d you appreciate my foot in your arse?”
 
Char: “I wouldn’t.”
 
Newb: “Then keep your yap shut.”
 
Char: “I sincerely think a therapy session would truly help to alleviate some of this pent-up aggression you carry on your shoulders, Ms Newb.”
 
Newb: “Can we remove his voicebox and shove it up the dog’s arse again?”
 
Char: “Please use ‘their’, I am non-binary and—”
 
Newb: “Whatever Trevor!”
 
She rolled back onto her stomach to also look down at the icy fortress. Losien glanced at Newb and spoke in a low voice.
 
Losien: “Now you really are just being rude, Newb.”
 
Newb: “I’m the god damn Batman.”
 
Losien rolled her eyes.
 
Losien: “Trying to be like that version of Batman would make you an asshole.”
 
Newb: “Fine. You’re right.”
 
She called back to Char.
 
Newb: “Sorry!”
 
Char: “Apology accepted, Ms Newb. As you’re in such a positive mood right now, perhaps a short anger management session would—”
 
Newb: “Don’t push it. You’re not going to... thaw my heart.”
 
She grinned. Immensely proud of herself.
 
Losien: “I need a swear jar, but for puns.”
 
Newb: “A kind of… PUNishment!?”
 
Losien grit her teeth as though nails were just dragged across a chalk board.
 
Losien: “You don’t even like puns!”
 
Newb: “I like them when they annoy everyone else.”
 
Wai: “Have you found a way in there yet? Maybe spend less time on the puns and the insults so we can stop freezing our asses off?”
 
Char: “You have temperature sensors built into your rectum, Wai? Now that is advanced!”
 
Wai: “Why do you have to make everything sound so awkward for me, Char?”
 
Losien: “Here comes a patrol.”
 
Down in the valley, a line of green-clad soldiers were marching in a line, chanting. Honeybee had parked some distance away from the fortress, keeping herself out of sight as a big, blue, clown bus.
 
Guards: “Oo-ee-ooh. Oooooh-oh. Oo-ee-ooh. Ooooooh-oh.”
 
The green-clad elves were—
 
Newb: “Leprechauns.”
 
Losien: “This again?”
 
Newb: “They’re obviously leprechauns!”
 
Santa’s little leprechauns were marching towards the Ice Gate of the Ice Fortress.
 
Wai: “Are we actually going to call it the Ice Fortress and the Ice Gate? Not the most original names.”
 
Losien: “What would you call it?”
 
Wai: “Uh… um… the… Cold Castle?”
 
Losien: “Because alliteration makes everything better…”
 
Newb: “Makes everything sound c—”
 
Losien: “I will push you off this cliff if you finish that sentence.”
 
There is a tense moment as Newb and Losien stare at each other.
 
Newb grinned.
 
Newb: “Cool!!!!”
 
Losien: “Right. That’s it!”
 
She grabbed Newb and they start wrestling, dangerously close to the cliff, with Newb cackling at the chaos she has now wrought.
 
Wai: “Uh… guys…”
 
The two women stop struggling and look up. He looked down at them and frowned.
 
Wai: “Weren’t you just making sex jokes about me an Char? Now you two are rolling around on top of each other?”
 
The two of them very, very quickly untangle themselves with flushed faces and a lot of throat clearing.
 
Char: “Wai has spotted a bit of a dilemma, it seems.”
 
Losien: “No! No! We’re not together like that! I’m straight anyway! Mostly. Sometimes.”
 
Char: “I meant down there.”
 
Newb and Losien look down to where the two robots were pointing and saw, at the end of the long line of leprechauns, three rather dubious-looking leprechauns. One was very tall and blue. The next was shorter, but still tall for a leprechaun and had a little crown atop of their green cap. The third was an extremely short leprechaun that was trotting along on all fours with a little green outfit on that didn’t fit.
 
Losien: “How did they get down there…”
 
Down below, at the end of the parade;
 
Aladdyn, Iriana & CopyKAT: “Oo-ee-ooh. Oooooh-oh. Oo-ee-ooh. Ooooooh-oh.”
 
Aladdyn waved up at the other heroes on the ridge with excitement.
 
Losien: “They’re going to die.”
 
Wai: “Are we going to rescue them?”
 
Newb: “Can we wait for Aladdyn to die first?”
 
Char: “Perhaps we should see if their ruse works first? They could get us into the C-C-C-Cold Castle without fighting.”
 
Losien sighed. Cold Castle it is.

Earlier…
 
Galactitron King: “Look how he performs his battle dance!”
 
He is stood with his command staff as they watch Earth-based video footage in preparation for their attack on the planet. Right now, Elvis Presley is gyrating on camera.
 
Galactitron King: “It’s as though he mocks us.”
 
Galactitron Lieutenant: “Sire, I have just read a report that this Elvis Presley is actually an alien, and not of Earth at all!”
 
Galactitron King: “So the planet has alien guardians, does it? I suppose he’s from a dying planet and his parents bundled him in a space shuttle and sent him to Earth where he is powered by the sun and—”
 
Galactitron Lieutenant: “Oh wait, I think he’s also dead. Killed by… hamburgers?”
 
Galactitron King: “Make a note of hamburgers, lieutenant. They must be a deadly group of assassins.”
 
Galactitron Lieutenant: “According to the reports, hamburgers are responsible for millions of deaths across the human empire! They are led by a man named McDonald. Yet many humans willingly sacrifice themselves to this McDonald and his hamburgers, even paying for the privilege!”
 
Galactitron King: “Such an incomprehensible culture. Show us the next Earth warrior.”
 
A video of Taylor Swift starts to play.
 
Galactitron Lieutenant: “They worship this warrior almost like a god.”
 
Galactitron King: “Add him to the top of the death list, lieutenant!”
 
Galactitron Lieutenant: “I believe this one is female, sire.”
 
Galactitron King: “Really? It’s difficult to tell with all that… flesh in the way. They all look like squishy pink and brown, naked rats.”
 

---

 
Later. Battle against the crappily-drawn-spiders has ensued.
 
The canons of the crappily-drawn-spider-ships fire and from them are heard the words ‘pew!’, ‘pew!’, ‘pew!’. The crappily-drawn-spider-commander is named Commander Moose.
 
Commander Moose: “Lieutenant Ferret!”
 
Lieutenant Ferret turned his ugly spider body to swivel his beady eyes on the commander.
 
Lieutenant Ferret: “Why are we always lieutenants?”
 
Commander Moose: “What?”
 
Lieutenant Ferret: “Space underlings. We’re always lieutenants. Never captains or colonels or brigadiers or sergeants. Always lieutenants. Or ensigns.”
 
Commander Moose: “So you wish to be an ensign, do you?”
 
Lieutenant Ferret: “No, your scribbly-ness!”
 
Commander Moose: “Then do a barrel roll!!!”
 
Lieutenant Ferret: “Aye aye!”
 
The commander rose one of his spider-feet to his eyes, just to check he did still have two of them.
 
Commander Moose: “Are you trying to say I need glasses, lieutenant?”
 
Their crappily-drawn-spider-ship lurches, jerkily because it’s a drawing being turned around, into a barrel roll. Because nobody in space actually wears seatbelts, the entire crappily-drawn-spider-crew slams into the wall, then the ceiling, then the other wall and then the floor.
 
Sprawled on the floor, Commander Moose managed to groan;
 
Commander Moose: “Worth it… for the age-old… meme… ouch…”
 

---

 
Back on Earth. Losien Simon and Newb, who are both dressed like they were extras at the Battle of Hoth, along with the two robots, Wai and Char, watch as the three idiots of the team parade straight towards the Glacier Gate of the Cold Castle.
 
Losien: “Not more alliteration…”
 
Unfortunately, being three idiots, they have gotten a bit carried away with their ruse. Arm-in-arm they skip down the road, straight past the leprechaun guards, so have lined up on either side of the gate.
 
Iriana, Aladdyn & CopyKAT: “Follow the yellow brick road, follow the yellow brick road, follow, follow, follow, follow—”
 
Suddenly the three of them freeze—
 
Losien: “That’s it! Money in the pun jar!!!”
 
Newb: “I think that one was an accident.”
 
Losien: “Even accidental puns need—…”
 
Newb looked straight at Losien with another manic grin.
 
Losien: “Don’t.”
 
Newb: “PUNishment?”
 
Losien: “Not again!!”
 
While Losien and Newb start wrestling again, the three heroes down below are being taken captive by the leprechauns. Now, if you were expecting the leprechauns to all have borderline-racist Irish accents and start talking of lucky charms and drinking whiskey, you’d be wrong. Instead, they all sound like stereotypical American-Italian mobsters from New York.
 
Leprechaun #1: “‘Ey! I’m warkan’ ‘ere!”
 
Leprechaun #2: “We’re all warkan’ ‘ere, ya shmuck!”
 
Leprechaun #1: “Why I outta--!!!”
 
Iriana: “Perhaps you gentlemen would be kind enough to let us go?”
 
Leprechaun #1: “Wise guy, huh!?”
 
Iriana: “Well, I do pride myself on reading. But Plato once said that the Oracle dubbed him the wisest of all the Greeks for he knew that he knew nothing!”
 
The leprechauns stared at her.
 
Iriana: “Or was it Aristotle? I can’t get my Greek philosophers straight.”
 
Leprechaun #2: “That’ll be ‘cause them Greeks were all buttered tha wrong way, doncha get me? ‘Ey?”
 
There was a lot of guffawing from the leprechauns.
 
Aladdyn: “My side is always buttered!”
 
Iriana: “I don’t think that means what you think it means, Aladdyn.”
 
Leprechaun #1: “Alright, yous wise geezers. Time ta pay the piper!”
 
Iriana: “We’re hiring a musician?”
 
Leprechaun #1: “Yous is gonna be…”
 
There was a distant scream;
 
Losien’s Distant Voice: “DON’T SAY IT!”
 
Leprechaun #2: “Did yous hear sumthan?”
 
Leprechaun #1: “No? Yous guys is gonna be PUNISHED!”
 
Losien’s Distant Voice: “ARGH!!”
 
Leprechaun #2: “I’m sure I can ‘ear sumthan out thar.”
 
Leprechaun #1: “It’s them damn penglings.”
 
Iriana: “You mean penguins?”
 
Leprechaun #1: “Thas what I said! Penglings!”
 
Iriana: “Penguins are only in the South Pole, not the North Pole…”
 
The leprechauns, despite their shortness, seem to grow in metaphysical height and menace.
 
Leprechaun #1: “Are you gettin’ wise wit us, missy?”
 
Iriana cowers and the leprechauns glower at them in deadly silence.
 
There is a long, sharp squeak.
 
All eyes turn on CopyKAT, who grins sheepishly.
 
CopyKAT: “Hekkin nuts…”
 

---

 
A short time later and the three of them were led to their respective punishment trials. Iriana is sat in a room with one leprechaun who has a constant grimace on his face. He sets two cups down and then, from a glass pot, he pours… coffee.
 
Iriana: “GASP!”
 
He stares at her and her skin creeps. The cup goes closer to his lips. She grits her teeth.
 
Iriana: “Don’t! Don’t do it!”
 
He drinks the coffee.
 
Iriana: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!”
 
She rushes to the walls and pounds on them with desperation.
 
Iriana: “LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT!!! BRING ME TEA! BRING MEEEEEE TEEEEEAAAAAA!!!”
 

---

 
Somewhere outside the Cold Castle, the remaining four heroes hear the tortured screams of Iriana Emp, the youngest member of the group. The two women dove down the ridge at a dramatic, heroic run to rescue their friend and the two robots with stiff-from-the-cold joints try to keep up.

Random Leprechaun #1: "Talk, damn you! Talk! What's your name? Your purpose here?"

CopyKAT ignores him, scratching himself with his tail. The leprechaun narrows his eyes and spots the medallion hanging around his neck.

Random Leprechaun #1: "Ignore me, will ya? I'll make ya regret that, wise guy!"

He reaches forward and grasps the medallion, prepared to rip it off. CopyKAT instantly transforms into a massive, frightening shoggoth, growling dangerously.

Random Leprechaun #1: "AIEEEEEEEEE!"

He screams in panic, stumbling back. As soon as he lets go of the medallion, CopyKAT relaxes, returning to his pug form, and resumes scratching himself.

Elsewhere, Santa Claus is hunting prey. What prey, you ask? You don't want to know. He takes aim, and BLAM! BLAM BLAM BLAM!

Galactitron Forward Scout: "Hostiles detected!"

Santa Claus: "BLOODY FUCKING HELL!"

You'd think a forward scout would be more careful about avoiding detection, but apparently not. The easy scouting job he had a bit earlier, with the crappily-drawn spiders, might have lulled him into a sense of casual superiority. Now, while his fellows are exterminating the crappily-drawn spiders, he's moved on to Earth, in advance of the Galactitron fleet.

Santa Claus: "It's a bloody Martian!"

Galactitron: "One, I don't have blood, and two, my designation isn't Marsha."

Santa Claus: "Sounds like something a Martian named Marsha would say!"

Santa's walkie-talkie crackles.

Random Leprechaun #2: "Sir, you otta know that-"

Santa Claus: "Not now! I'm hunting!"

Random Leprechaun #2: "Penglings again?"

Santa Claus: "There are no penguins at the North Pole!"

Random Leprechaun #2: "Only cos ya hunted 'em all inta extinction!"

Santa Claus: "They weren't penguins! They were mutated Martian beasts! Speaking of which, I'm being attacked by a Martian now! Leave me alone!"

He turns off his walkie-talkie. At the other end, the Random Leprechaun #2 is bowled over the revelation that Santa has encountered a Martian.

Random Leprechaun #2: "The wise guys we picked up must be Martians too!"

Random Leprechaun #3: "Santa was right da 'ole time!"

Another random leprechaun bursts in.

Random Leprechaun #4: "We're under attack! Four hostiles sweeping down from the ridge with murda on deir faces!"

Random Leprechaun #3: "It's the Martian invasion!"

Random Leprechaun #2: "Release the hounds!"

The other leprechauns look at him funny.

Random Leprechaun #2: "I mean, release the reindeer!"

Random Leprechaun #4: "What good will that do? Those lazy good-for-nothins are just as likely to fly off!"

Random Leprechaun #2: "Um, sorry, I forget what it is we're s'posed ta release if Martians attack!"

Random Leprechaun #3: *whisper*

Random Leprechaun #2: "Oh yeah. Release the common cold virus!"

Random Leprechaun #4: "Dat otta teach dose Martians a lesson for shore!"

Soon, the four intrepid rescuers have halted at the Glacier Gate of the Cold Castle and Wai keels over and starts whimpering. Both Newb and Losien have gotten the sniffles but Wai seems to have been hit the hardest by the sudden virus.
 
Losien: “Is it the 5G Network virus, Char?”
 
Char kneels down to inspect the patient. For some reason, Wai seems to have been manufactured to emulate a lot more organic processes than Char was. Char pulls out a stethoscope and starts to diagnose Wai.
 
Wai: “I… I’m dying…”
 
Newb: “They’d use biological weapons on us? That’s against that convention!”
 
Losien: “The Star Trek convention?”
 
Newb: “Probably.”
 
Losien: “Is it the pandemic virus, Char?”
 
Char shakes his head gravely.
 
Char: “It is much worse.”
 
Losien and Newb gasp.
 
Losien: “What is it!?”
 
Newb: “Are we all infected?”
 
Char: “Essentially, yes. But you both will only catch the mild strain of the virus.”
 
Losien: “What is it?”
 
Char: “A cold…”
 
They frown.
 
Newb: “That’s it? So what’s wrong with him?”
 
Char looks at them with a stern, but sad, expression.
 
Char: “…man flu.”
 
The two women facepalm.