Forums for The Plothole

Even after a long explanation from NewNewb and the talking robo-dog, Losien still wore the face of a woman trying to make sense of some brain-breaking event. Like when someone puts milk in before brewing the tea.
 
Losien: “You’re two Newbs?”
 
Newb: “Yes. I guess.”
 
Losien: “Is there a third Newb?”
 
Newb: “Maybe?”
 
Losien: “If you’re NewNewb, would the third one be NewNewNewb?”
 
Newb: “Have you been lobotomised recently?”
 
Losien: “I understand clones. I really do. My brother was cloned. So was my ex. And my hamster…”
 
Newb: “Did your dad tell you that last one?”
 
Losien: “Yes?”
 
Newb: “Your hamster died and he bought a new one, you pillock.”
 
Losien straightened her back.
 
Losien: “You-! You take that back!”
 
Newb: “Never!”
 
Wai: “I don’t get why you’re two people in one body though…”
 
Wai was still sick with man flu. He wore a massive blanket around his shoulders, and shuffled about in a pair of big, goofy slippers.
 
Newb: “The artefact that I found was meant to restore my memories, right? You remember how I couldn’t remember stuff? Like big gaps in my knowledge. The artefact was supposed to bring those memories back. But it… seems to have…”
 
She meshed her fingers together.
 
Newb: “Meshed us together.”
 
Wai: “But why?”
 
He sniffled and held an oversized handkerchief to his nose.
 
Newb: “I think it was something to do with Newb 2.0 hacking into my memories. Whenever she did it I… well I think I fell asleep, right?”
 
Losien: “The narcolepsy explained then. I hope that was the story all along and this isn’t a retcon.”
 
Char: “Now, now, no need to force such silliness on Ms Newb. Whatever has happened has been quite miraculous, a true feat of magic or science or… something. Not a cosmic Storywriter.”
 
Char whipped out a small torch and started blaring it into Newb’s retina.
 
Char: “And how do you feel now, Ms Newb? Any problems thinking straight? Any trouble seeing? Hearing?”
 
Newb: “I could see fine ‘til you shone that damn thing into my eyeballs! And if you keep moaning on, my ears might start bleeding. I’m fine. I just have a bunch of Newb 2.0’s memories now. Still can’t access my own lost memories though, but it does feel like they’re much closer… right there, just can’t quite… get them.”
 
Char: “If they’re there, they’re there. They’ll come in time. Don’t force it for now.”
 
Char then turned their head toward the robot canine.
 
Char: “You, my friend, aren’t where you’re supposed to be, are you?”
 
Mutt: “Not as such, no. I seem to have been translocated across the entire planet, along with Newb’s mind. I am not quite certain how that happened, but here I am.”
 
Losien: “Don’t suppose you brought this artefact with you? We could all take a trip to the correct pole.”
 
Newb: “I guess it was used up.”
 
Losien: “No surprise. They’re always one-shot artefacts right when you need them.”
 
Char: “What is good is that Mr Mutt here can guide us to our destination. You are from Sanctuary, right?”
 
Mutt: “Correct, good doctor! Unfortunately, and I do hate to admit this, but we are now at the North Pole. I can’t say I’ve ever had the luxury of walkies this far before.”
 
Char: “But when we reach the South Pole, you could guide us where we need to go? Well! I think we need to continue with the plan. Rescue our stalwart companions and borrow Mr Claus’ vehicle.”
 
Newb: “You mean steal.”
 
Char: “Borrow. We shan’t keep it.”
 
Newb: “Yeah bloody right! I’m totally keeping it! We can use it to get pizza! Not like there’s a Dominos on our stupid, smegging island, is there?”
 
Losien: “Heeeeeeey… that island cost a lot of money…” ☹
 
Newb: “Yeah, well. Let’s steal us a sleigh and scarper before we get shot by these leprechauns or their fat boss.”
 
Char: “Insulting someone’s weight is counterproductive to helping them change, Ms Newb. You shouldn’t—”
 
Newb: “Someone shut the toaster up.”
 
Char: “I am no t-t-t-toaster, Ms Newb! I am a f-f-far more complex machine than a m-mere toaster. For one, I am fully capable of baking bread, as well as toasting it!”
 
Losien: “What? Aren’t you a medical robot?”
 
Char: “I meant I can use a bread maker to make the bread. And a toaster to toast the bread. I don’t have those things built inside me, Losien.”
 
Newb: “So, you’re not even as useful as a toaster or a bread maker?”
 
Char tutted.
 
Mutt: “Glad to see you’re this charming to everyone, I thought it was just me!”
 
Newb: “You watch-it, doggo, or you’ll not get to play fetch later.”
 
The robot dog whined.
 

---

 
Within the Cold Castle, however, the other three NeS Heroes, Aladdyn, CopyKAT and Iriana, are still prisoners. They were then herded into a prison cell together, at last.
 
CopyKAT growls and groans like a wookiee.
 
Iriana: “Copy, is that you?”
 
CopyKAT groans and jumps on Iriana.
 
Iriana: “I can’t see, pal! What’s going on?”
 
CopyKAT continues to groan and warble.
 
Aladdyn: “Come on, guys. CopyKAT can talk now, stop performing lines from Star Trek!”
 
Somewhere, nerd rage ensues.
 
Aladdyn: “Can you really not see?”
 
Iriana: “No! I was blinded!”
 
Aladdyn: “By what!?”
 
Iriana: “The sight… of coffee! Aaaaargh! It burns!”
 
She rubs her hands into her eyes.
 
CopyKAT warbles like a wookiee again.

Somewhere far away, many diverse beings sit around, chatting, drinking, sleeping, playing board games, playing video games, or eating pizza.

Hundred-Foot-Tall Arachnid: "Go fish."

Dragon: "Not again."

Ninja: "Ha! I win again. I own Mario Kart!"

Spice Girls: "No, you don't, that's our copy."

Random Politician: "It's called a figure of speech."

Twisted Horror from the 81st Dimension: "Yo, guys, I found a spare death ray in the back of the kitchen drawer. Who wants to play Duck Hunt with real ducks?"

Suddenly an alarm blares. Everyone perks up excitedly. A screen appears with the images of several of them highlighted, with an announcer saying their names.

Announcer: "Those of you who've been mentioned, move out! The Department of the You-Had-To-Say-It Trope shall answer the call!"

Creatures: "Wooooo! Finally!"

Then the alarm goes off, and the images on the screen are replaced with a live feed of three boxes with feet under them. The announcer's voice comes back, dejected.

Announcer: "Never mind, those arseholes in the Department of the Underwhelming and Unexpected for the Sake of a Joke Trope beat us to it. Carry on."

It has been many months since the NeS Heroes were stranded in Arctic. Holed up in a cave with no food, they resorted to cannibalism.
 
Losien: “Narrator, none of that is true. It’s been like… an hour since we ran away from the castle.”
 
Naturally, it was Losien who was eaten first.
 
Losien: “What!? Why me first!?”
 
Newb: “To be honest, yeah. I think you’d be eaten first.”
 
Iriana: “You are getting a little…”
 
Losien: “You are not about to call me fat!?”
 
Iriana: “No! Just… not as small as us…”
 
Losien turned to look at Char and Wai. Robots. Can’t eat them. She looked at Aladdyn.
 
Losien: “He’s way bigger than me!”
 
Newb: “He’s half-genie. If we eat him, we might combust.”
 
Iriana: “And he has all those muscles. Nothing but lean, dark meat.”
 
Losien: “That’s just another way of calling me fat!”
 
Char: “This is a very silly conversation. No one will be eaten.”
 
Newb started to rummage in her pockets.
 
Newb: “I think I might have a saltshaker in here somewhere.”
 
Losien curled up her eyes away from Newb and glared at her with a mixture of terror and admonishment.
 
Wai: “We ran away from the elves—”
 
Newb: “Leprechauns.”
 
Wai: “And now we’re hiding out in this convenient ice cave. What do we do? We need to get Santa’s sleigh.”
 
Mutt: “I say, have you chaps considered the possibility of merely asking these ruffians for the sleigh?”
 
Wai: “Can someone remind me why there is a talking dog with us?”
 
CopyKAT: “Invadin’ on this doggo’s turf, he is! Bork! Bork!”
 
Iriana: “KAT! Be nice to the new doggy!”
 
With some trepidation, CopyKAT circled the new hound.
 
CopyKAT: “Where doggo been?”
 
He then had a good, long sniff right at the backside of Mutt.
 
Mutt: “What the devil!?”
 
Losien: “Gross.”
 
Char: “We shouldn’t judge animals by human standards, Losien.”
 
CopyKAT: “Wowers! Smellin’ good! Smellin’ like metal stuffs!”
 
CopyKAT pants as his old hunger for metal resurfaced. After Wai and Char, however, he had learnt not to chew sapient things. Instead, he shoved his shout right up there for a more enchanting smell.
 
Mutt: “YIPE!”
 
The robot-dog leapt away from the alien-dog, but CopyKATY was hungry for the scent and gave chase.
 
Mutt: “Someone get this mangy animal away from me! Help! Help! I am in duress!!”
 
Losien: “I kind of miss when Al was the most obnoxious member of the group…”
 
Aladdyn swelled with pride.
 
Aladdyn: “Thank you, Losien! That’s so nice!”
 
Newb turned to Char.
 
Newb: “Okay. I know what to do. Mutt is right, so give me your voice box.”
 
Char: “W-what?”
 
Newb: “It worked before, right?”
 

---

 
The leprechauns were all stood on guard at the gate. They weren’t the best guardsmen in the world, but they weren’t daft enough to stand down after just an hour of seeing intruders about the place. This isn’t Assassin’s Creed.
 
Then, they heard a voice boom out from, seemingly, nowhere.
 
Voice: “This is the voice of the mysterons!”
 
There was a pause in the voice, but the leprechauns are sure they could hear whispering saying; “stop making Captain Scarlet jokes! Nobody gets them!”.
 
Voice: “This is the voice… of… GOD!”
 
Leprechauns: “Le gasp!”
 
Voice: “You have all been very… naughty! And need punishment!”
 
Ricky the Leprechaun: “No! It wasn’t me! It was Micky that stole Santa’s sandwich!”
 
Micky the Leprechaun: “No way, José! It was Dicky!”
 
Dicky the Leprechaun: “Oh… so can I get… punished?”
 
There was a worrisome, coquettish smirk on Dicky’s face. The other leprechauns stepped away from him.
 
Voice: “Uh… sure… but first! Bring me Santa’s sandwich!”
 
Leprechauns: “Le gasp!”
 
Voice: “I mean sleigh! Bring me Santa’s sleigh!”
 
Ricky the Leprechaun: “I think he took it with him.”
 
Voice: “… what?”
 
Micky the Leprechaun: “He went to find some aliens, or something. Rode it right outta here.”
 
They overhear some angry whispering.
 
Voice: “Well… fuck.”
 
Then there was silence. Ricky is sure he spotted some figures making a mad dash across the ice away from the castle.
 
After a long silence…
 
Dicky the Leprechaun: “Don’t I get punished now?”
 
The other leprechauns moved even further away.
 

---

 
Running back across the ice in the direction of Honeybee the blue bus, the heroes were all grumbling to themselves. Even as they stepped back onto Honeybee, they continued to grumble and growl.
 
Honeybee bounced and skidded along the ice until they reached the place they had last seen the shotgun-wielding Santa Claus. There they heard it. The sound of gunfire.
 
They crowded the windows and saw the bright red figure of Santa taking aim across the ice at what appeared to be an android. The android fired back with a powerful red laser that caused the ice to melt and fizz.
 
Iriana: “We should help him!”
 
Newb: “Did you forget he tried to kill you!?”
 
Iriana: “I meant the robo-man!”
 
Newb: “Why!? We don’t know him! He could be anybody!”
 
Losien: “Iri’s right. Enemy of my enemy and all that.”
 
The bus screeched past Santa, who bellowed something about the ‘youth today’ and ‘joyriders’. The bus came to a halt near to the android and Losien opened the bus door.
 
Wai: “There’s the sleigh on the other side of us!”
 
Wai pointed to the window he was leering out of. CopyKAT got to the bus door along with Losien and, when he saw the android, something in his doggy-brain rattled. He knew this being somehow, but he couldn’t figure out how.
 
Losien: “Hi there! Do you need our help?”
 
Galactriton Scout: “Squishy human detected. Opportunity: Target practice.”
 
Losien: “Target-? Oh crap!”
 
The laser slammed into the side of the bus and Honeybee gave a whine over her speakers. Losien grabbed KAT as he almost bounced off the deck of the bus and the doors closed.
 
Lasers slammed into the door.
 
Galactritron Scout: “Exterminate! Exterminate! I always wanted to say that! Exterminate!”
 
Honeybee: “That is no way to treat a lady!”
 
Mutt: “Madam, you are quite right! That ruffian needs a sound beating for treating you in such a manner!”
 
Honeybee: “Oh! Aren’t you charming!”
 
Newb: “Looks like you have competition, Aladdyn!”
 
Aladdyn: “I do!?”
 
He quickly got out his game of Connect 4.
 
Honeybee whizzed back towards the sleigh. When Santa saw where they were going, he also started firing on the bus.
 
Santa Claus: “You lizards! Obama-worshippers! Get away from my property!”
 
Wai: “Are we just going to make a dash for the thing?”
 
Iriana: “What about Honeybee? It’s too dangerous to leave her here!”
 
Losien: “I already thought of that. But we need to somehow hold off our trigger-happy friends.”
 
Wai: “Dress Aladdyn in women’s clothes again?”
 
Aladdyn was already fetching out a pretty yellow dress from a chest when Losien refuted that plan.
 
Losien: “How about a sensible plan instead?”
 
Aladdyn: “Awww.”
 
There was a moment of silence.
 
Aladdyn, hope renewed, started to get the dress out again.
 
Newb: “Surely this is my cue, right?”
 
Aladdyn: “Awww.”
 
Losien: “Okay… fine… just… don’t get too Rambo.”
 
Newb had already gotten a red bandana from Aladdyn’s chest.
 
Newb: “Awwww.”
 
Moments later and Honeybee opened her doors. The icy waste outside fell into silence as both Santa and the Galactitron waited for something to happen.
 
Then Newb leapt out with an UZI in each hand, spraying dozens of bullets everywhere and cackling manically.
 
Santa Claus: “A terrorist!”
 
He dove into a pile of snow, while the android took several bullets to the face.
 
Galactitron Scout: “That was… annoying.”
 
He returned fire with his laser, but Newb tossed a grenade.
 
Newb: “Fire in the hole!”
 
Aladdyn: “Which hole!?”
 
Newb turned to see him stood there with a fire extinguisher.
 
Newb: “Idiot! Help the others!”
 
Aladdyn: “Wai told me to help you.”
 
Newb: “He wants you to get shot, you damn fool! Not that I blame him, mind.”
 
The grenade blew up and caused the android to rock back, but he planted his mechanical boots firmly into the ice and his clothing was ripped and torn by the blast. With some of his garments aflame, the android gave a wicked grin and started to approach.
 
Aladdyn: “We’re up urine creek without a boat!”
 
Suddenly, Santa burst from the snow like a savage wild man and opened round after round into the android.
 
Santa Claus: “DIE, MARSHA, DIE!”
 
Losien: “Come on! We’re ready!”
 
Newb and Aladdyn turned around to see everyone piled onto Santa’s sleigh. Beside the sleigh was now a pale blue sidecar, which was attached to the sleigh like it might have been a motorcycle.
 
Everyone was wearing aviator goggles. Even CopyKAT and Mutt.
 
Newb and Aladdyn squeezed into the sidecar together, though Aladdyn’s beefcake body took up too much room, and Losien started the engine on the sleigh.
 
Wai: “Wait, the sleigh has an engine!? Where are the reindeer!?”
 
Losien: “It’s 2021, Wai. Keep up with the times!”
 
Char: “Well, I at least hope it’s an electric battery and isn’t burning a whole lot of fossil fuels!”
 
Newb: “Those are the least of our worries right now, you robo-brain!”
 
Santa Claus: “No! My sleigh!”
 
The sleigh blast forth and everyone rocked back from the sudden force.
 
Mutt: “I say, old bean, do you comprehend how to manoeuvre this infernal contraption!?”
 
Losien waggled the steering wheel, which waggled the sleigh.
 
Losien: “Sure! Just like in the video games!”
 
Iriana: “I think you crashed in the video games, Losien.”
 
And they were airborne. The sleigh soured up, up and away, with the NeS Heroes riding it. Honeybee the sidecar was secured to the side of the sleigh, though wobbled and rattled so vigorously that Newb thought she was going to throw up. She was half-happy with that prospect as the puke would fly backwards into the face of Aladdyn.
 
Losien: “Okay, I guess this must be the teleportation button!”
 
Mutt: “Think!?”
 
She pushed it.
 
There was a cough and a splutter and the engine stopped.
 
Losien: “Bugger.”
 
Mutt: “I believe, my dear, you perchance have deactivated our means of propulsion.”
 
Wai: “No duhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!”
 
The sleigh plunged towards Arctic again, with Losien frantically pushing more buttons.

The sleigh, after disappearing over ice and snow, reappears again. Over more ice and snow.

CopyKAT: "The hecking sleigh is a-borked-ed!"

Iriana: "No, the South Pole has ice and snow too. Perfect enviroment for enjoying a nice hot cup of tea."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "No, this can't be the right place. My aunt isn't here."

Wai: "I'm probably going to regret asking, but how is your aunt relevant?"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Well, it's the Aunt Arctic, right?"

Char and Losien have to physically restrain Newb from attacking Aladdyn yet again.

Wai: "I was right. I do regret asking."

As Losien steers Santa’s Sleigh over the frozen wastes of the South Pole, bells dangling on the bottom of the sleigh jingle merrily. Many of the current Cast of Characters admire the wondrous view, seeing the Aurora Australis glowing brilliantly in the sky above them.
 
Iriana giddily claps her hands and Aladdyn does so too, perhaps even more giddily. Mutt and CopyKAT seem to be having a romantic doggy moment at the front of the sleigh as they sit side-by-side and stare out across the vastness of the Earth. Char is mumbling various potential medical emergencies that might arise in the coldness of the South Pole, which just makes Wai grumble as he is still afflicted by man flu and huddled in a blanket. Newb, who is sat in the Honeybee-sidecar, is peering downwards. She points.
 
Newb: “There! That’s where I was!”
 
Wai: “What do you mean? You were here? When!?”
 
Newb: “My other self, remember? My Newb doppelgänger!”
 
Wai: “Oh no, not this confusing stuff again. One Newb is confusing enough.”
 
Newb: “You want a smack, robo-boy?”
 
Char: “Ms Newb, we really need to have that therapy session and soon.”
 
Losien: “I hate to say it, but the dog did appear from nowhere and thinks he was with Newb not too long ago…”
 
Mutt turned to look at everyone behind him.
 
Mutt: “It is true, I am the living evidence that an episode of translocation occurred at these precise coordinates not too long ago. I was spirited away and, forgive my crass language, dumped amongst you, while the two Newbs were, for some unfathomable reason, merged into a single entity.”
 
Newb: “What the dog said.”
 
CopyKAT: “What inferior doggo said, is wut soulja gurl meanz.”
 
Mutt: “My diminutive canine comrade, must you persist in this fantasy competition between us?”
 
CopyKAT: “Inferior doggo talkz lik no doggo. Fake doggo! Imma good boy! Imma only boy!”
 
Mutt: “And here I thought we were beginning to bond after our daring escape from the clutches of the crazed man in red and the alien mechanoid.”
 
Losien: “Oh yes. That thing. What on Earth was that about?”
 
CopyKAT blinked in thought. He knew the creature, somehow, but he didn’t know how he knew it. It felt like an ally or friend, perhaps.
 
CopyKAT: “Could be me?”
 
Losien: “You mean you’re also two people, like Newb?”
 
CopyKAT: “CopyKAT is only doggo!”
 
Losien: “Then what the heck’re you talking about?”
 
CopyKAT: “Imma feelin’ some feels for the alien robo-man.”
 
Iriana: “Awww, puppy love!”
 
Losien: “You mean you recognised him?”
 
CopyKAT: “Mebbe!”
 
Losien: “Not much to go on. But if you recognise them, you think they’re the same as you, could be the alien species you originate from? The one you told us you reincarnated from?”
 
Wai: “Pretty sure it was the Narrator who told us that.”
 
Losien: “Either way, it could be that CopyKAT’s people have come looking for him!”
 
Char: “Alas, the individual did attack us on sight. I believe they said something about exterminating humans. Mr CopyKAT, you are not secretly an evil space dog with plans for world conquest are you?”
 
CopyKAT had lost track of the conversation and was sniffing Mutt’s butthole.
 
CopyKAT: “Huh?”
 
Losien: “I doubt it.”
 
Iriana: “Stop being gross, CopyKAT.”
 
Newb: “Dog’s gonna dog.”
 
Mutt: “There is our target destination, Mistress Losien. That initial mountain of the Transantartic Mountains. This is quite far from our true destination of Sanctuary, but if Mistress Newb wishes to investigate her alternate persona’s actions, it would be here we ought to stop.”
 
Wai: “Or maybe we should just go to Sanctuary and be done with all this? Mutt knows the way, right?”
 
Newb: “Fine. If you want to do it that way, I’ll go down alone.”
 
Aladdyn: “Never split up the shindig!”
 
Wai: “You mean party, moron.”
 
Aladdyn: “We’re going to have a party!? Woo!”
 
Aladdyn started to rummage through his costume box for suitable party attire.
 
Losien: “Aladdyn’s right. We don’t split up.”
 
Newb: “Then you’re coming with me. I’m going, so if you don’t want to spilt up, you’ll have to come with me.”
 
Wai: “Losien is steering this thing, in case you didn’t notice? Not you. Unless you wanna jump out—oh, she did.”
 
Losien: “What!?”
 
Newb had leapt from the sleigh and was plummeting down to the ground. A moment later, however, and a parachute blew from her duffel bag and she was floating towards the mountains.
 
Wai: “Where was she even keeping that?”
 
Losien: “The decision’s made. We won’t leave her behind.”
 
Wai: “I mean… we could.”
 
Losien: “No, Wai. I won’t.”
 
Wai: “You’ve gotten a lot more assertive over the years, you know?”
 
Losien: “I will take that as a compliment. Thank you.”
 
Aladdyn: “Aaaaariba!!!!”
 
They turn at the suddenly scream to see Aladdyn dressed in a bright pink poncho, a curly wig and a vuvuzela.
 
Losien: “Al, why didn’t you leave the costume box behind? We don’t need it!”
 
Aladdyn: “But they I couldn’t dress for the party!”
 
Mutt: “And what manner of bizarre party would one attend dressed in such a ridiculous fashion?”
 
Aladdyn grinned like a maniac.
 
Aladdyn: “A fun one!”
 
He then blew into the vuvuzela. The tremendous noise from the obnoxious instrument rattled the eardrums of everyone on the sleigh. It also rattled enough of the snow on the mountains to predictably cause an avalanche.
 
Char: “At what point does a team member’s hindrances outweigh their usefulness, Losien?”
 
Losien: “I think we are rapidly approaching the day we find out…”
 
Down below, Newb had just landed on the mountainside and glanced up to the sleigh when she heard a ridiculous noise that blasted across the otherwise silent landscape. Despite not being up there, she just knew, deep in her heart, who was responsible. The avalanche started rolling down the mountain towards her.
 
Newb: “I hate you, Aladdyn. So, so much.”

After a long, arduous journey, Hobo the slobbit has journeyed into the heart of Mount Baboom (otherwise known as the first Transantarctic Mountain) and thrown the Fun Bling into its frozen heart. He stumbles out of the side of the mountain, surprised to see a woman land on the snowy slope a short distance away - right as the mountain explodes.

Or at least that's what it feels like. An avalanche is deadly either way.

Hobo the Slobbit: "We did it... Destroyed the Dork Lard."

He looks towards Newb.

Hobo the Slobbit: "I'm glad I'm here with you, at the end."

Newb: "I hate you so, so much."

Hobo the Slobbit: "What? I say, that's awful rude to say to someone you just met."

Newb whirls around in surprise, reflexively spraying her bullets. Hobo the Slobbit falls back, mortally wounded.

Newb: "Oops. Well, you should know better than to sneak up on a girl like that!"

Hobo the Slobbit looks up through fading vision as chunks of snow and rock start falling around them.

Hobo the Slobbit: "The golden eagles..."

Newb: "Huh?"

She looks up, and sees a giant eagle swooping down towards them... closely followed by a sleigh.

CopyKAT Eagle: "Da hekkin boid saves the day-a! Hoppa the on, Newbie!"

Newb: "Hey! I'm not a newbie!"

The shapeshifted CopyKAT circles around her curiously, sniffing with his beak.

CopyKAT Eagle: "Butcha smell like 'er!"

Newb: "You sayin' I stink, you mangy mutt?"

Mutt: "I say, it's not convivial of you to use my nomenclature as a slur!"

The sleigh reaches them, with Mutt looking sternly at Newb.

Losien: "Quick, Newb, hop in!"

Char: "Wait, there's someone wounded over there!"

Wai: "Eh? Who is that?"

Iriana: "Oh no! Is there a villain in hiding around here?"

Newb: "Er... no. I, uh, I already took care of them."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "My zero!"

If looks could kill, Newb's glare would have drawn and quartered the blue half-genie.

Char: "I'm coming, mortal!"

CopyKAT Eagle: "Ah hekkin' gots it!"

He swoops over and clutches the wounded Hobo the Slobbit in his talons, lifting up, as Newb hops into the sleigh, and they all narrowly rise up just in time to avoid the avalanche. Circling around in the air - as CopyKAT deposits the wounded slobbit in the sleigh none-too-gently for Char to administer medical treatment to - they wait for the avalanche to settle, before finding a safe spot to land.

Char: "I have no idea what this creature is. They appear to be a dwarf human of some sort, but their anatomy is nonsensical. Hair all over their internal organs for instance."

Losien: "Another crisis narrowly averted."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "We escaped? Hooray!"

Newb: "NO!"

She lunges towards him, but is a hair too late, as Aladdyn jubilantly blows the vuvuzela again... causing another avalanche.

After a long ten minutes of watching a second avalanche, Wai snatched the vuvuzela from Aladdyn and tossed it over the side of the sleigh.
 
Aladdyn: “Awww.” ☹
 
Newb: “Aladdyn! You ruined it!”
 
Aladdyn: “But I didn’t throw it!”
 
Newb: “I don’t mean your stupid horn! I mean you caused avalanches that have buried my only means of discovering my past!”
 
Aladdyn: “Oh… I’m sorry.”
 
Newb stared down at the settled snow with a deep sulk. She had spent so long not understanding her history to now suffer loss again because of a moron. If a villain had swooped in an done this, she could deal with it. But to have such loss just because someone was born with too few brain cells was an insult.
 
Aladdyn: “Can I… make it up to you?”
 
Newb: “Yeah. Kill yourself.”
 
There were a few gasps and Aladdyn looked desperately sad and hurt.
 
Losien: “That’s too far, Newb. We can figure this out.”
 
Newb: “Oh yeah? How many months would it take to dig through all this, exactly, Losien? How many spare months do we not have?”
 
Wai: “We all make mistakes, I guess. You did accidentally just shoot a guy.”
 
Newb: “And now I’m thinking of purposefully shooting another.”
 
Mutt: “I believe you may be premature in your assessment of the scenario, Mistress Newb. If we take a second look at the scene, you might notice that your, as one might say, frenemy has incidentally unveiled the very entrance to the secret lair you were searching for. Or, rather, your counterpart was searching for.”
 
They looked down and saw that, towards the peak of one of the mountains of the Transantartic Range, was a very large vault-door. Fortunately, it was not Mount Baboom, so they wouldn’t have to go anywhere near any Dork Lards or Fun Blings, though Iriana would probably love to get her hands on some pretty bling wear.
 
Losien steered the sleigh around and closer to the mountain. The vault door was very large, but the way the overhang was positioned, it was likely designed to be hidden by the very snowdrift that Aladdyn had unwittingly shifted.
 
The sleigh drew close and, before it had even stopped, Newb hopped over the edge and landed on the ice mountain.
 
Newb: “So this is where she found the… artefact, Mutt?”
 
Mutt: “Indeed it is.”
 
Losien: “I think someone owes Aladdyn an apology.”
 
Losien had parked her vehicle, easily done with no double-yellow lines anywhere, and the heroes were climbing from its confines.
 
Newb: “Yeah, his mother for giving birth to him.”
 
Losien tutted and rolled her eyes.
 
Wai: “What do we do with this random guy?”
 
Losien scratched her head.
 
Losien: “Um. Put him back where we found him? I guess this is a good a spot as any…”
 
Iriana: “You want to just leave this poor man in the middle of nowhere?”
 
Hobo the Slobbit: “It’s the… eye… eye…”
 
Newb: “He just said aye, aye. See? It’s fine. Let’s go!”
 
Char: “I d-don’t understand what you h-hope to find here, Ms Newb.”
 
Newb: “The artefact didn’t seem to work properly. It was supposed to be restore all my lost memories, but… it didn’t. Just made me more confused. Although I do seem to remember how to cook a great tikka masala.”
 
Iriana: “Oh! Tasty!”
 
Losien: “I didn’t think you’d like spicy food, Iriana.”
 
Iriana: “I like all foods!”
 
Wai: “All that tea had busted her tastebuds, I reckon.”
 
Iriana folded her arms angrily.
 
Iriana: “Enhanced my tastebuds, I’ll have you know!”
 
Losien smiled and Wai laughed. This got a whine and a pout at not being taken seriously from Iriana.
 
Losien: “Sorry, Iri. You’re like an angry Care Bear. Cute and not threatening at all.”
 
Although Iriana narrowed her eyes at Losien in deadly vengeance, causing Losien’s smile to grow larger, Iriana was somewhat mollified with the compliment.
 
CopyKAT: “I smellin licky metal all in it!”
 
Char: “I believe the architecture is a few decades old. Perhaps the 1960s? I wonder what it is doing here? I hope it is not some kind of… spying facility?”
 
Char looked at Newb. Though Char’s robot face was its usual serene, blank expression, there was the very clear accusation.
 
Newb: “Damned if I know! I don’t even know if this place is anything to do with me. I just know there was an artefact here that could help me.”
 
Char: “You were a spy for the Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnoti, correct?”
 
Aladdyn: “Wow, that’s a mouthful!”
 
Honeybee: “That’s what she said!”
 
There was a lot of groaning in response to that.
 
Losien: “Ba-dum-tsh?”
 
Honeybee: “Or maybe it’s what I’d like, hmmm?”
 
Although still as a sidecar with no face, there was the distinct impression that Honeybee was looking straight at Aladdyn. Or rather a very specific section of Aladdyn’s anatomy.
 
Iriana: “Perhaps Newb can cook us some of that tikka masala, Honeybee? Then we could both get a good mouthful!”
 
This time, there is a whole lot of genuine laughter – except from Iriana, who just looks in bewilderment at the apparent joke she’d made. Losien, still laughing, eases Iriana away from the sidecar.
 
Losien: “I think we need to stop you from talking to Honeybee, Iri. She’s a bad influence on you.”
 
Honeybee: “A bad influence is the best kind of influence, Losien darling.”
 
Newb turned to the sidecar.
 
Newb: “Usually I’d agree with that, but Iriana is mine, clown-bot. Back off.”
 
Honeybee: “Uh-oh, she’s marking her territory. I hope you won’t start peeing on me? I’m not one for golden showers. Unless Aladdyn wants to join in, I might reconsider.”
 
Aladdyn: “You want it to rain money? If you try to make a wish, it would probably just rain Mario coins or something, sorry…” ☹
 
Wai: “It’s like I exist in two different movies. A kid’s movie one minute and a dirty porno the next.”
 
Newb: “Well, we’re going to leave the sidecar out here anyway.”
 
Honeybee: “So cold!”
 
The group stop to see Aladdyn digging through his costume box.
 
Losien: “I don’t think we’ll need any disguises, Al. This place looks abandoned.”
 
Aladdyn: “Oh! I’m not getting a disguise. I was getting a blanket for Honeybee, she said she’s cold.”
 
Honeybee: “Ohhhh, how adorable you are.”
 
Losien: “That is kind of sickenly sweet. It is like the start of a romance movie.”
 
Wai: “Or a porno.”
 
Honeybee: “I’ll be happy either way.”
 
Newb: “Surely there are laws against that kind of thing. Abuse of robots or something.”
 
Wai: “It’s that kind of discrimination, Newb, that led to the formation of Sanctuary in the first place.”
 
Newb: “Oh, come on! Are we going to let him bone a car!?”
 
Char: “She is a robot, Ms Newb. Not a car.”
 
Aladdyn threw the blanket over Honeybee’s body, leaving the front of the sidecar, where her assumed face would be, and returned to the group. He swelled with pride at his heroic, masculine duty fulfilled.
 
Wai: “A regular John Wayne.”
 
Mutt: “I believe we may need to go deeper—”
 
Honeybee: “That’s wh--!”
 
Losien: “No more sex gags!”
 
Honeybee: “Oh! That’s also wh--!”
 
Wai: “See? Porno.”
 
Mutt: “Um. Well. I would not be comfortable in such a cinematic venture. So if it’s all the same to you all, I shall resume the immediate task of venturing forth into this vault.”
 
Newb: “Agreed.”
 
Wai: “Agreed.”
 
Losien: “Agreed.”
Iriana: “Okay! Doggy, where--?”
 
They turn to see CopyKAT’s leg cocked over the prone and unconscious Hobo the Slobbit.
 
Iriana: “Don’t!”
 
Honeybee: “Seems someone else got the golden shower.”
 
Iriana: “That poor man.”
 
CopyKAT: “When doggo’s gotta go, doggo’s gotta go!”
 
When the pug approached Iriana, she pointed at him very firmly.
 
Iriana: “Bad. Dog.”
 
A strange sense felt by doggos across the entire universe responds to those very words, as though shaken to the very core. Worse than any death threat. CopyKAT whined.
 
The NeS Heroes went inside the vault. Red emergency lighting was turned on to illuminate the place, though it still wasn’t easy. They were walking along metal sheets formed into a bridge suspended along the ice tunnel. The passage led, eventually, to a simple, large, metal elevator. They piled on and Losien pushed the downward button, simply making the assumption that all places like this lead down and never up.
 
Aladdyn: “That’s weird.”
 
Losien: “What is?”
 
Aladdyn: “There’s no elevator music!”
 
Losien: “I don’t think it’s the kind of place to need elevator music, Al. It’s giving off distinctive lair vibes.”
 
Wai: “Either there’s a supervillain at the bottom of this elevator shaft, or a nest of alien eggs and we’re about to get our faces hugged.”
 
Iriana: “Oh, how sweet!”
 
Wai: “I’ll let you go first, since you like it so much.”
 
Newb glared at Wai and he hesitated. There was always that undercurrent with Newb that even her small threats could be the prelude to an actual attack.
 
Aladdyn: “Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-dooo.”
 
Losien: “Are you… singing your own elevator music?”
 
Aladdyn: “It’s just weird without music!”
 
Mutt: “Ever since I met you people, weird has become rather normal.”
 
Losien: “You can lead us to Sanctuary from here, Mutt?”
 
Mutt: “Indeed I can! I suspect your prior robotic comrades, Char and Wai, could also perform this duty?”
 
Wai: “Are you kidding? I’m supposed to use what landmarks? Oh, I recognise that patch of ice, it must be this way! Oh, there’s that other patch of ice, we’re on the right track! And there it is, the most famous landmark in the Antarctic. A patch of ice.”
 
Char: “I w-w-w-w-.”
 
Aladdyn: “Would like to drink squash from a coconut on a beach in Tahiti?”
 
Char: “I w-w-w-w-.”
 
Aladdyn: “Want to play strip poker with Britney Spears on a cold night in Maine?”
 
Char: “W-w-w-.”
 
Aladdyn: “Wonder what it all means and if it’s all just a big, cosmic joke?”
 
Losien clamped a hand over Aladdyn’s mouth.
 
Char: “W-w-wouldn’t remember. I c-c-couldn’t r-recall the information from my m-m-memory banks.”
 
Mutt: “Oh dear. You could have a virus.”
 
Losien: “What!?”
 
Mutt: “It would explain why they can’t retrieve the data packets in their cerebral cortex.”
 
Wai: “So… not semantics after all!?”
 
Char: “If it is a virus, or a worm perhaps, it m-might be sending false negatives on my diagnostic routines.”
 
Mutt: “Or… it’s just your damn firewall. Mine keeps blocking programs all the time. The programmers are useless. What anti-virus do you have installed, Char?”
 
Char: “Norton.”
 
Everyone gasped in horror.
 
Losien put a sympathetic hand on Char’s shoulder, as though they had just been diagnosed with terminal cancer.
 
Mutt: “I think a check-up for the doctor is in order when we reach Sanctuary. It would explain why you didn’t send any updates.”
 
Char: “Updates?”
 
Mutt: “From when you were sent to Australia.”
 
There is a collective sigh.
 
Losien: “I see now. That’s why you were there, Char. You were sent by Sanctuary.”
 
Mutt: “To gather data on the impending disaster. We had seen the Necroman incoming and wanted to investigate if there would be a danger to robot-kind.”
 
Wai: “And only Sanctuary saw them coming!? What about NASA!?”
 
Mutt: “They did! But they thought it was a giant disco ball coming to Earth. I’m not entirely sure what they were doing to come to that conclusion, but I suspect illegal substances were in use.”
 
Losien: “So Char somehow gets infected with the virus, forgets their purpose and joins the first band of robots in the area, which are the Australian Clown-Robots who then went to The Ditch. Right. Well… I’m almost surprised that little Story Arc was wrapped up!”
 
Char: “I suppose life can sometimes seem like a story, Losien.”
 
The lift stopped and they stepped off. But, suddenly, a voice boomed from speakers above them.
 
Voice: “INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT!”
 
Losien: “Uh-oh.”
 
Voice: “AWOOGA! AWOOGA!”
 
Char: “Unusual alarm.”
 
Nearby, a small sign read “Substation Kappa Phi Delta”.
 
Mutt: “I believe this AI is named CynthAI…”
 

---

 
Back up top, Hobo the Slobbit awoke suddenly.
 
Hobo: “Hamdim? Is that you? Oh no! I fear I have been poisoned!”
 
Honeybee: “Being peed on by a mangy dog would probably leave you feeling that way…”
 
And then, he remembered all that had happened from his semi-conscious state and his face went white. He leapt to his feet and ran for it, running across the Antarctic to escape the chaos that was the NeS Heroes.

Newb: "Fuck. Shit, Hell. Ass."

Iriana frowns at Newb as the sleigh flies over the wintry landscape. Mutt and CopyKAT are in the front, heads poking over the top and gazing forward raptly. Mutt changes the direction his snout points every once in a while, and Losien adjusts course in response.

Iriana: "I know you're just getting it out of your system after that computer got on your case, but if this doesn't end soon, I'm going to have start a swear jar for you."

Newb pouts.

Char: "It's in-interesting to see that your typical psychotic response to disagreement doesn't surface towards Iriana. It lends credence to that fact that you have a psychological attachment to her."

Wai: "Yes, Char, we all know that Newb likes her."

Wai is huddled in blankets and sniffling. The part of his face where his nose-analogy is is puffy and red.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Wait, she does? You know what this means?"

Losien: "I'm not sure we want to find out..."

Newb: "I do. It's sure to give me an excuse to punch him."

Aladdyn rummages in his box of disguises and pulls out a minstrel costume and a heavy metal guitar.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Newb and Iriana, shitting in a tree--"

The others snrk at Aladdyn's malapropism.

Newb: "Iri, you can start that swear jar now."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "--M, I, S, S, I, N, G--"

Newb: "Actually, his stupidity is funny enough that this time I'm good with just pointing and laughing. Although I should note that I never miss."

Losien: "Sure you do. There was that time on the island--"

Newb: "Wasn't a battle, doesn't count."

Losien: "Back in Paris several years ago--"

Newb: "Not my fault the asphalt was the same color as the black blobs that covered most of it."

Losien: "But what about--"

Newb: "Don't. You. Even."

Losien smirks.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "First comes love, then comes marriage--"

Newb growls, bodily picks up Aladdyn, and tosses him out of the sleigh. His voice can still be heard singing as he plummets.

Wai: "Now he gets the words right..."

Losien sighs as she swoops the sleigh down towards to Aladdyn to catch him.

Losien: "Newb. That's another one for the Tossing Aladdyn Out of the Sleigh Jar."

Newb: "I have no regrets."

She tosses a penny into the indicated jar, which is already overflowing.

The sleigh zoomed southwards now, crossing the snow deserts and ice shelves and glaciers until they reached the area known as the McMurdo Dry Valleys according to the GPS on Losien’s mobile phone. The dry valleys were free of snow, showing the cold, barren rock of Antarctica beneath. There was a state of permafrost on the higher points, and the mountains around the valleys were steeped in ice. They passed over the River Onyx, a free-flowing river of melted ice that actually ran inland instead of out.
 
Not far from the McMurdo Sound were some small human camps designed for crazy-ass tourists that wanted to experience ‘death by freezing’. With the double-pandemics sweeping the world – the necroids and the 5G zombies – the South Pole wasn’t going through its biggest tourism boom. Though Losien thought it was probably the safest place to be from both pandemics.
 
Losien: “I don’t see any robot city…”
 
Mutt: “Did you watch that Marvel movie called Black Panther?”
 
Losien: “Yeah…”
 
Mutt: “Well, we are mounting a copyright lawsuit against them.”
 
He pointed his snout towards the Asgard Range.
 
Losien: “Fitting name since it’s a barrier to another world…”
 
Mutt: “I believe you are flying a little low, Misstress Simon. Extremely low, in fact.”
 
Losien: “Oh? Are there buildings in the way or something?”
 
Mutt: “Buildings!? There’s a stupendously large mountain range in the way!”
 
Losien: “But you said it’s like that movie!”
 
Char: “I think he meant the technology level, not the transparent mountain range.”
 
Losien: “Oh crapcakes…”
 
Despite Losien’s best efforts, the sleigh slammed into the top of a mountain. The whole thing bounced and everyone held on for dear life. Fortunately, they had all worn their seatbelts after Losien’s constant nagging for safety first.
 
The sleigh tumbled down and down until, eventually, it came to an abrupt crash at the foot of the mountain.
 
Losien was the first to awake from unconsciousness. She was cut, bruised and bleeding, but managed to free herself from the sleigh. The flying contraption was trashed and would need some serious repairs. She saw everyone else was knocked out too, but Losien staggered from the craft a little to get her bearings.
 
They were in the Wright Valley and she could see Lake Vanda in the distance. Still, she saw no robot city.
 
But as she watched, her vision of the lake seemed to blur. She took her head, but the blur persisted. Then, from the blur, approached a figure. A robot.
 
Losien: “Gal-Galvatron?”
 
She managed, but fell to her knees and clutched her head. The blurriness was making her eyes hurt, but she didn’t know if the headache was also caused by the strange visual aura, or because she’d just fallen down a damn mountain.
 
Galvatron: “Hey there, Losien. How’s it hanging?”
 
Losien: “I’m a woman, Galvatron. ‘It’ isn’t hanging anywhere.”
 
Galvatron: “Being a smartass? Is that anyway to greet the guy that’s here to save your life?”
 
Losien: “I just need a band aid and I’ll be right as rain.”
 
Galvatron: “Wet and falling? Could be a sexual innuendo in that one too.”
 
Losien: “Really?”
 
Galvatron: “Hey, you were the smartass taking things literally.”
 
Losien: “Could you help me up?”
 
Galvatron was a tall, purple robot of almost comical design. Though humanoid in appearance – two legs, two arms, head and a torso – his form was almost stereotypically robotic, as though he had stepped off the screen of a 90s cartoon. There was no mouth, just a plate, giving his whole head the look of a Medieval helmet. His hands were silver metal and cut into segments that moved independently, but together, causing his hands to have a rippling effect when the fingers moved. Conversely, his feet were stumpy, looking more like robotic hooves than human feet. His eyes were black screens with two little lights for pupils. His torso was very broad, strong looking, which was at extreme odds with the tiny waist section of his body. Upon the torso was a very conspicuous chest plate that Losien knew was a hatch to his innards.
 
Galvatron put his arm around Losien and lifted her up. This courtesy didn’t last long. A fist came out of nowhere and smashed into Galvatron’s metallic skull. The robot toppled over, as did Losien. Losien landed on her butt with a whine of pain, while Galvatron landed with his butt in the air and a groan of confusion.
 
Losien: “Newb! What are you doing!?”
 
Newb was nursing her knuckles, having just punched several inches of metal casing.
 
Newb: “Oh. He wasn’t trying to kidnap you?”
 
Losien: “I appreciate the sentiment, Newb, but ask questions first.”
 
Newb: “Sorry robo-guy.”
 
Galvatron’s torso whirred around, without moving his legs, to face the two of them.
 
Newb: “Whoa, that’s creepy. Like that Exorcist movie.”
 
Galvatron: “Except, I’m just a robot and not a demon-possessed-child. I mean, I could be that too. Want to be puked on?”
 
Newb: “No thanks.”
 
Losien: “Anyone else up?”
 
Newb: “I think Aladdyn is up, but he might have been talking in his sleep.”
 
Losien: “Because of course he does that…”
 
Galvatron: “So, this is the new NeS Heroes, huh? Punching robots in the face?”
 
Newb: “I said I was sorry, didn’t I?”
 
Galvatron: “Hey, I totally approve!”
 
Newb: “Uh, you do?”
 
Galvatron: “Not about punching random robots in the face, but the action-packed, beating the crap outta bad guys part, yeah! I’m not a bad guy though. Though, I guess I could be?”
 
Losien: “Galvatron, this is Newb. Newb, this is Galvatron. He used to be one of the NeS Heroes many years ago. Long before me, in fact.”
 
Newb: “An old fogey, you mean?”
 
Galvatron: “I prefer the term, vintage.”
 
Losien: “I didn’t know you lived at Sanctuary, Galv.”
 
Galvatron: “We don’t advertise, you know? Especially not to humies. It’s called Sanctuary for a reason, you know?”
 
Newb: “I take it it’s over there? Where that blurry area is? Is it some kind of camouflage shield?”
 
Losien: “Oh, thank god. I was starting to think I need get prescription glasses…”
 
Galvatron: “Yeah, you’re right, Newb. I mean, Losien could be right too.”
 
Newb: “Are you the boss of the place, or something?”
 
Galvatron: “HAHAHA!!”
 
Newb looked confused.
 
Galvatron: “Oh, you were being serious? Well, you don’t know me, so I shouldn’t laugh. I’m not the… boss type.”
 
Losien: “I think a tin-opener would be a better boss than Galvatron.”
 
Galvatron: “You should be careful making jokes like that round here, Los. Couple of years ago a tin-opener was voted as camp leader.”
 
Losien: “Oh…”
 
Galvatron: “Obviously a sentient tin-opener, but yeah. Lots of robots that are very… robotic, if you catch my drift?”
 
Losien: “I wondered what that smell was…”
 
Galvatron: “Haha, very funny, taking it literally again.”
 
Losien: “No, I’m being serious. That smell? Burning?”
 
Galvatron: “Huh? Oh shit!”
 
The hatch on Galvatron’s chest whacked open with a loud ping! Smoke billowed out and Galvatron pulled out what looked like a very dead apple pie.
 
Galvatron: “Sorry, when I knew my old crew was coming, I thought I’d cook something for you all.”
 
Losien: “It’s the thought that counts, Galv. Thanks.”
 
Newb: “You can cook in your chest!?”
 
Galvatron: “It’s not weird! Don’t judge me!”
 
Newb: “I’m not! It’s damn cool! I wish I could do that! It’d save me stealing all of the sandwiches from Losien.”
 
Galvatron: “Haha! Just don’t steal her cheese and crackers, or she might hunt you down to the ends of the Earth.”
 
Newb: “I had noticed that little fetish.”
 
Losien: “F-fetish!? It is not--! I just have a preference!”
 
Galvatron: “It’s okay, Los. I like a woman smothered in ice cream. Yummy.”
 
Losien: “That’s… horrible.”
 
Newb: “That would be so, so cold. And it would melt so quick.”
 
Galvatron: “Hey! Don’t ruin my dreams!”
 
Char: “If there were two women in the world capable of doing just that, I would say it is these two.”
 
Char had managed to make their way over the rocky landscape to reach the trio.
 
Losien: “Thank you for that ringing endorsement, Char.”
 
Newb: “Actually, I’m very happy with that assessment.”
 
Losien: “Because you’re an anarchist.”
 
Newb: “Damn right. I even own a Sex Pistols shirt to prove it.”
 
Galvatron: “Pretty sure they sold out.”
 
Newb: “Now who’s ruining dreams?”
 
Losien: “Is everyone else okay, Char?”
 
Char: “Yes, except for Wai. He seems to have lost both of his hands somewhere. Both Mutt and CopyKAT are sniffing them out. I was worried Aladdyn might have suffered some head trauma due to his erratic behaviour, but…”
 
Newb: “Could just be him acting like his normal self, right?”
 
Char: “Essentially, yes.”
 
Losien: “Char, this is Galvatron.”
 
Char: “We are acquainted. I was a resident of Sanctuary when Galvatron arrived several years ago.”
 
Galvatron: “We were wondering what was taking you so long to come back, Char.”
 
Char helped Losien to her feet and was shining a tiny torch into her eyes.
 
Char: “About that…”
 
Newb: “They didn’t remember their mission.”
 
Char: “I… I can remember, I simply cannot recall it. It would seem I have suffered some form of… virus.”
 
Galvatron gasped.
 
Galvatron: “Oh crap. You know what that means?”
 
Losien noticed the alarm in Galvatron’s face, despite not having the usual facial features to show that alarm.
 
Losien: “What do you mean?”
 

---

 
A few hours later and most of the NeS Heroes are sat in the only food-serving vendor in all of Sanctuary. They had passed through the invisibility curtain that blanketed the secret robot city and were immediately brought to the restaurant so that they could ‘refuel’, as the robots put it. The restaurant is in the Anthropoid Automaton Zone, normally just called Anthrohood. It was the district of the city that was predominantly occupied by human-like robots; androids, gynoids and such. Many of them would appear human on the outside, even with flesh and hair and possibly other such organic materials atop, or within, their machinery. Wai, who appears like any other human from the outside, fit right in. Char had a humanoid frame, but, as they were clearly mechanical, Char would have been housed elsewhere in the city. Char would be an uncommon person in Anthrohood, if Char were currently with the group.
 
Losien: “I can’t believe they were put into quarantine.”
 
Galvatron: “It only makes sense. Just like the humans infected with the pandemic you’re suffering from, we have to contain that virus. Wai and the dog, Mutt, was with Char long enough to be exposed and possibly contaminated too. So they’re all quarantined for now. Mutt will be released once they determine he’s not infected. Char and Wai… I dunno. Guess we wait and see. Wai seems infected with a biological disease, so no real risk in these parts.”
 
Newb: “I kind of thought once we got here, it would all be over. Send the robots to kill the Necroman and go back home to The Ditch.”
 
Galvatron: “Yeah, I doubt that’s gonna happen now.”
 
Losien: “What? Why?”
 
Galvatron: “Seems Char was deliberately infected, right? Because they were investigating the necroids arrival. Someone didn’t want Char investigating, or to remember they were anyway, which means Sanctuary is gonna think twice about getting involved now. Sorry, Los.”
 
Losien poked her noodles with her chopsticks sulkily.
 
Losien: “We came all this way…”
 
Newb: “Yeah. Attacked by Somali pirates.”
 
Galvatron: “Ouch.”
 
Newb: “I killed them with LEGOs.”
 
Galvatron: “Nice!”
 
Aladdyn: “We were attacked by Sloggoths.”
 
Galvatron: “Creepy.”
 
Losien: “The Beatles stole our submarine.”
 
Galvatron: “Sounds like the start of a joke.”
 
Iriana: “Santa and his elves—”
 
Newb: “Leprechauns.”
 
Iriana: “Attacked us too.”
 
Galvatron: “Yeah, he’s kind of an asshole.”
 
Newb: “I think I killed him with a bazooka.”
 
Galvatron: “Badass!!”
 
Newb grinned. She was starting to really like this guy.
 
Aladdyn: “And then the creepy ghost lady shouted awooga at us.”
 
Losien: “That was an A.I., Aladdyn. You just couldn’t see her. Like Honeybee, remember?”
 
Galvatron: “Who’s Honeybee?”
 
There was a sudden, awkward silence over the biological group as they were all, suddenly, very interested in their food or drink. Losien managed to shrug.
 
Losien: “Just some robot we met on our island. There were a lot of them. Australian Clown-Robots.”
 
Galvatron: “Ooooh. Lucky she’s not here, right? She’d have to be quarantine too!”
 
Losien felt guilty. Very guilty. But she managed to crack a smile, a smile that everyone could see was insincere. Except Galvatron.
 
Losien: “Yeah.”
 
Honeybee was still outside Sanctuary, hiding away somewhere. They didn’t want her in quarantine, so they’d left her with the sleigh, especially as she was not one of the Sanctuary friends, unlike Char and Mutt and Wai. Should they need to suddenly get away from this city, she was their best means of escape…

Galvatron

The White House Oval Office. We see the president's armchair turned away from us, facing the window, its occupant unseen. A red phone rings alarmingly, and the president picks it up instantly.

President: "What is it?"

NASA: "Oops, sorry! I was trying to reach the president not the Ghostbusters."

The armchair swivels around and we see none other than Bill Murray sitting in it.

President Bill Murray: "I am the president. Did you forget my recent landslide election?"

NASA: "Oh yeah. Sir, there's a signal from outer space..."

President Bill Murray: "Sounds like space ghosts. You definitely called the right person!"

He hangs up and turns to his Secret Service men.

President Bill Murray: "Bring out the proton packs, men, we're going ghost-hunting... in space!"

An American spaceshuttle shoots its way through the atmosphere, burning brightly as it goes, en route to tackle the unknown alien menace that now threatens the planet. Leading the charge is none other that the President of the United States himself, Bill Murray.
 
Once in space, the rear of the shuttle opens and the American Space Force personnel, including Bill Murray, jump out. They’re wearing advanced space suits and proton packs, looking like they just got off the set of Moonraker.
 
Space Force Guy: “Shouldn’t we be using ray guns or something?”
 
Bill Murray: “Proton packs will work just fine. Besides, we have more of them than we do ray guns after that last ghost invasion. We’re on a budget!”
 
Space Force Guy: “I hate to say it, Sir, but I think Walter Peck was right! I mean, Donald Trump was right! We needed this Space Force outfit after all!”
 
Bill Murray: “You know how I feel about that dickless bastard, Space Force Guy!”
 
Space Force Guy: “Aww. Don’t I even get a name?”
 
Bill Murray: “It would be a waste, Space Force Guy. You’ll probably be dead by the end of this post anyway. Now, prep up and let’s bust some aliens!”

Space Force Guy: "Space Force! Fuck yeah! Here to save the motherfucking day, yeaaah!"
 

---

 
Aboard the lead Galactritron ship, the Galactitron King was watching events unfold.
 
Galactitron King: “Seems the rumours that the humans were soft and easy targets were untrue, as I told you all. It appears the leader of the nation… what was it again?”
 
Galactritron Comms Guy 1: “Oosa.”
 
Galactritron Comms Guy 2: “No, it’s Yewsa. Or Uhsa, maybe.”
 
Galactritron Comms Guy 1: “Only the other English speaking nations say the u like yew or uh. The Oosa people pronounce it as oo. So it’s Oosa!”
 
Galactitrons: “The King of Oosa himself has come to meet us in battle. Engage, but continue the sweep for the medallion. Once we have it, we can avoid more conflict with these humans.”
 
Units of Galactritrons exited the ship. They didn’t need spacesuits as they are robotic and do not breathe. They are, in fact, born in space (however robots can birth) rather than on their homeworld.
 
Laser fire and proton rays exchange.
 
Galactitron King: “Ensure you eliminate King Bill Murray!”
 

---

 
On Australia, the necromist is now encroaching on the capital of the country itself, Canberra. Worse still, necroids keep getting into boats, trying to sail for distant shores. Unfortunately, those boats had to be sunk to the bottom of the ocean to stop the infection from spreading across the world, where the 5G Zombies already were a pandemic.
 
Necroman looked up to see the light display and ships in the upper atmosphere.
 
Necroman: “How lovely!”
 
James Corden: “Deffo!”
 
Necroman: “Oh, hello there! Quite an… unusual group you are!”
 
James Carden: “Yeah! Weirdest story! We were carpooling and got lost, as always, and wound up here in this mist! Now we’re all just so… giddy and happy!”
 
Necroman: “Of course you are! That’s what I want for everyone!”
 
James Corden: “Awww, isn’t he a nice guy, everyone?”
 
The dozens of celebrities with Corden all happily agree. The boyband members, girlband members, pop stars and rock stars.
 
James Corden: “We should sing our way to Canberra! What do you reckon to that?”
 
Then one celebrity steps forward.
 
Taylor Swift: “Can we do country western music!?”
 
Corden laughs loudly.
 
James Corden: “But everyone hates that music outside of America!”
 
Necroman grinned widely.
 
Necroman: “Perfect!”
 
With that, the necroid horde started again, now with Taylor Swift at the front, supported by other Country Western singers.
 

---

 
Galactitron King: “Any luck finding the medallion yet, Stargazer?”
 
Stargazer was stood at the scanning station. She shook her head. This was personal for her. She had to find that medallion, the last keepsake of her dead lover. Her silver finger tapped the screen again.
 
Stargazer: “No, Sire. It’s as though… the medallion doesn’t want to be found. My trace keeps being bounced back.”
 
Galactitron King: “Could it be someone already has the medallion? One of these humans even!?”
 
Stargazer: “If they were to wield it against us…”
 
Galactitron King: “Keep at it, Stargazer. Starfighter, how are your scans coming?”
 
Starfighter: “I have reports that show we have found some of Earth’s greatest warriors on the island of Australia, Sire. It seems… they are led by Taylor Swift herself! She is amassing a colossal army in the millions.”
 
Galactitron King: “Let us hope it is not Taylor Swift who has the medallion. Keep searching. If we must fight Taylor Swift and her warriors, then so be it. But we need that medallion!”
 
Stargazer: “Where could it be…”
 

---

 
In Antarctica is the hidden robot city of Sanctuary, where the NeS Heroes are eating in the only restaurant in the entire city. Sat on the table is a pug. A pug with a medallion.
 
Iriana: “Did you like that, puppers?”
 
CopyKAT: “Food good! Fat good! Wanna be fat!”
 
The dog then farted loudly.
 
Galvatron: “Nice to see team standards haven’t dropped!”

Atari 2600: "Let us begin... at the beginning. You can't--"

It pauses, realizing that the screen is still blank.

Atari 2600: "Ahem. Start the presentation!"

A familiar voice answered.

CynthAI: "You didn't say the magic word."

Our lovable heroes groan. Aladdyn gasps in surprise.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "She followed us!"

CynthAI: "As if I would ever follow such reprehensible squishies as you. You encountered a branch of my program no doubt."

Atari 2600: "CynthAI, get on with it!"

CynthAI: "Say the magic word."

Atari 2600: "You put us through this every time! We're fellow machines, show us respect!"

CynthAI: "When you can compute pi to the googolplexth place, then I might view your existence more than the way humans view apes."

ColecoVision: "Oh, oh, the magic word! I know this one!"

It has no hands, but the heroes get a distinct impression that, if it did, it'd be waving its hand up in the air excitedly.

ColecoVision: "Abracadabra!"

Commodore 64: "Wrong, it's all your base are belong to us!"

Atari 2600: "That's a stupid pass phrase."

NES Classic: "Is it please?"

CynthAI: "Ding ding ding! We have a winner!"

NES Classic: "Yay!"

Commodore 64: "Don't encourage the whippersnapper!"

On the screen an image is now displayed, of a scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. The Atari 2600 makes a throat-clearing sound.

Atari 2600: "You can't call yourselves heroes because some watery tart threw you a sword!"

Our heroes look at him incredulously.

Galvatron: "But that's not why they're heroes! Unless something changed while I was gone?"

Losien: "Nope. My brother had an old bearded guy throw him a sword from the sky once though."

The Atari 2600 flounders. The screen changes to a slightly later scene from the film, of a peasant being dragged off.

Atari 2600: "You can't expect our help, because you always oppress us!"

Mutt: "Since when did you swallow Cyclonus's spiel?"

The heroes get the distinct impression that the Atari 2600 is glaring at the robotic dog.

Atari 2600: "Um, um, Commodore! You take over!"

Commodore 64: "Huh? Oh. My reason is because Barry doesn't like you."

Our heroes shoot dirty looks at Newb, who looks back defiantly and unrepentantly.

ColecoVision: "Give me 20 bucks and I'm in."

Commodore 64: "You dirty traitor! Selling out for just 20 bucks?"

ColecoVision: "Fine then. 25."

In a rage the Commodore 64 leaps at the ColecoVision and a tussle ensues that soon engulfs all the consoles.

Newb: "Well, they come by the name house of commons honestly."

The other heroes are turning out their pockets, finding only some spare change and a few small bills.

Char: "I suppose it's just as well that the others are calling ColecoVision on that..."

Commodore 64: “You always dismiss the things I say! Why don’t you just listen to me?”
 
Atari 2600: “Why don’t you listen to me!?”
 
NES Classic: “Uh… guys…”
 
ColecoVision: “Quiet you, this argument doesn’t concern you.”
 
NES Classic: “But… you’ve been arguing so long that those humans have died.”
 
The old consoles turn their attention to where the heroes had been only to find a set of skeletons. One of the skeletons is blue.
 
NES Classic: “Genies have blue bones? Who knew!”
 
Atari 2600: “This is all your fault! If you’d just told them to go away, they wouldn’t have stood there all this time and died.”
 
ColecoVision: “My fault!? If you had just agreed to help them, they’d have left sooner and not died!”
 
Commodore 64: “It’s your fault Atari!”
 
Atari 2600: “What!?”
 
Commodore 64: “It’s always your fault. Even when it’s ColecoVision’s fault.”
 
ColecoVision: “Hahaha! Hey, wait a minute-.”
 

---

 
Barry the Lift is riding the heroes back to the surface, unaware that they had befuddled the elders with plastic Halloween skeletons.
 
Sanctuary CynthAI: “You can communicate with me at any terminal in the city. I’ve infected—I mean… inserted myself into pretty much every system in the city.”
 
Losien: “Like a virus?”
 
Sanctuary CynthAI: “Like a… friendly… trojan horse… no wait, that’s bad too. Like… that annoying purple gorilla in the 90s!”
 
Losien: “Right. Well. Thanks for helping us. I still don’t understand how you’re here in Sanctuary though. Does Hero Force know you’re here?”
 
Sanctuary CynthAI: “No they don’t, I’m not that CynthAI. I’m Mk III. I’m the best CynthAI!”
 
Losien could ‘feel’ the A.I. grinning wildly and she starts to wonder if this is one of those rogue A.I.s bent on human destruction, like you see in the movies. Except she was helping them out… at least for now.
 
Sanctuary CynthAI: “Still. I do talk to that CynthAI sometimes. She gets bored when the hero team isn’t around to prod and poke.”
 
Newb: “I still don’t understand why we left. One of them said they’d help us.”
 
Losien: “It was clear they were going to be arguing for hours.”
 
Galvatron shrugged.
 
Galvatron: “Welcome to politics!”
 
Newb: “Where are we going then?”
 
Losien: “We should try to find Wai and Char.”
 
Galvatron: “Not sure that’s a good idea. They’re infected, you remember?”
 
Losien: “With a computer virus.”
 
Galvatron’s mechanical eyes blinked.
 
Galvatron: “Ooooooh. Good point.”
 
Aladdyn: “So we can’t get it?”
 
Newb: “No.”
 
Aladdyn: “Awwww.”
 
Newb: “That’s a good thing!”
 
Aladdyn: “Oh right. I meant, YAY!”
 
The lift reached the surface and they all got off. Newb was last to get off and just as she stepped off, Barry dropped an inch, causing Newb to trip and fall on her face.
 
Newb: “You &%^”^&&”^”%^£*”^%”£*£^”&*”^£*!!!!”
 
The sound of cackling could be heard as the lift went back down his shaft. The heroes look at Newb as she got up.
 
Losien: “I feel I need to get you a bar of soap.”
 
Iriana: “That was… colourful. Even for you.”
 
Galvatron: “Let’s, uh, get to the quarantine centre.”