Forums for The Plothole

Losien: "Wai, I don't care if he violated your THERE BE ONLY ONE ME programming, this is cruel and unusual punishment!"

Wai: "That's robotist! Assuming that I'm bound by some program, instead of having free will!"

Char: "Humans are just as bound by their neurochemical makeup, or so some people argue. So she may not be robotist, but simply of the philosophical school of thought that no one truly has free will."

Wai and Char look expectantly at Losien.

Losien: "Yeah, I'm not getting into this. Let's just pull that poor pug up."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Wait, did someone say philosophy? Fortunately, I took a class once!"

Newb: "Oh, this ought to be good."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Eyes blink, therefore I am!"

Iriana: "I don't get it?"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "It's quite simple, really! The full sentence is 'Eyes blink, therefore I am not blind,' but the ending is only implied, as one has to be really smart to study philosophy, and thus should be able to infer these things!"

Newb snickers. Losien facepalms. Char sighs.

They managed to reel in CopyKAT, like fishers hauling in their latest catch. When the pug was finally on board, it looked up at them with a very glum but vengeful expression. And a poop on its head.
 
Losien: “We’re in the middle of the ocean… where did…”
 
Aladdyn: “I thought was going to drown and when my pantaloons were pulled down by the hook I might have…”
 
Losien: “EW!”
 
Aladdyn: “No, wait! Not mine!”
 
Newb: “I am terrified to ask, and yet morbidly curious… how can you know that?”
 
Aladdyn: “It’s not blue.”
 
Newb: “You… poop blue?”
 
Aladdyn: “Yep! Mamma said it’s because I’m a special boy!”
 
Newb: “You know what? I agree with her.”
 
Aladdyn: “YAY!”
 
Newb: “It’s not a good thing.”
 
Wai yanked a katana out of nowhere and threatened the dog.
 
Wai: “THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!”
 
Newb: “That’s the worst Scottish accent I’ve ever heard.”
 
Losien: “Just like the real Highlander.”
 
Iriana: “Don’t hurt the doggy with poop on his head!”
 
Losien: “Besides, he’s not you anymore. Now he’s a dog.”
 
Wai tossed the sword overboard and crossed his arms angrily.
 
Newb: “Dude! Did you just throw away a perfectly good blade? I could have used that!”
 
She glanced at Aladdyn.
 
Newb: “I could have… used that… oh yes… I could have…”
 
Char cleaned CopyKAT of his illusory island turd.
 
Losien: “Okay, doggo, can you talk?”
 
CopyKAT thoughts: Of course I can bloody talk, you numpty!
 
He then thought about it.
 
Or, thought again about it without the internal narrative… or is that my narrative? Confusing.
 
CopyKAT thoughts: Seems I can’t talk. I wonder why. Maybe these biological people communicate differently than us mechanised folks from Galactricon. How can I tell these people I’m miffed?
 
He looked at Wai.
 
CopyKAT thoughts: I could bite his bollocks off… Then again, he’s mechanical. Might not have bollocks.
 
Losien: “Okay, your long silence means you cannot talk, I guess.”
 
CopyKAT thoughts: I am talking you—fine. I can’t talk. But I could do sign language!
 
He took the opportunity to morph himself into Losien again. Although the second Losien looked physically identical, her mannerisms were all wrong.
 
CopyKAT started to waggle his arms about, while the NeS Heroes frowned at him.
 
Wai: “What is it doing?”
 
Iriana: “Is it the Skibidi dance?”
 
Wai looked at her with concern.
 
Iriana: “It was a very popular viral dance!”
 
Wai: “I have been travelling for so long…”
 
Newb: “Yeah, probably good you missed that one. And planking. That was dumb. The tide pod challenge…”
 
Wai looked horrified.
 
Wai: “What is happening to this world!?”
 
Newb: “Short version? The internet. That’s what happened.”
 
Losien: “What should we do about the dog?”
 
Newb shrugged.
 
Newb: “Just ignore it. When we get to land, I’m sure it’ll go mark it’s territory or something and we can pretend we never saw it.”
 
Char: “But the land we are going to is Antarctica. He would freeze to death without us.”
 
Newb: “Well, if we can train it to not pee on the carpet, we could get it to be a spy! We’re going to the robot city, right? Turn the dog into a robot and it can infiltrate the city!”
 
Losien: “But could he understand us, I wonder? I guess he could be useful.”
 
CopyKAT’s thoughts: Is this a mission!? Missions, I can do!
 
Newb: “Until it pees on the carpet. Then it’s dead.”
 
Wai grabs another katana with a glare in his eyes.
 
Newb: “Where in the crap are you keeping all these swords!? I thought I was armed to the teeth!”
 
Losien snatched the sword from Wai and threw it overboard.
 
Newb: “Nuuuuuuuuu!”
 
Losien then turned to Newb and squinted into her mouth.
 
Newb: “Are you turning gay or turning dentist?”
 
Losien: “When you say armed to the teeth… I think you mean it literally.”
 
Newb hopped back from Losien, looking shifty.
 
Newb: “Nooo~? I would never conceal an miniature explosive in a tooth!”
 
Iriana: “Oh dear…”
 
Newb: “The dog is peeing on the carpet.”
 
Losien turned to see herself squatting on the carpet.
 
Losien: “ARRRGH! NO! BAD DOG! NOT AS ME!!!”
 
Losien leapt onto her clone and the two started a wrestling match.
 
CopyKAT’s thoughts: You shall not stop me defecating, woman! It is my right as a new biological beast! LET IT GO!! LET IT GO!!!!
 
Luckily, the other heroes couldn’t hear that, else they’d all curse the dog-Losien for putting that song in their heads.
 
Losien: “Wait, what song? Who are you talking about?”
 
Oh no. Absolutely not. I am not going to start working as a translator between you and CopyKAT.
 
Losien: “Who is CopyKAT? Is that the dog!?”
 
Char: “Losien, I think I need to prescribe you some medicine…”
 
Wai: “She’s talking to the Narrator, Char.”
 
Char: “Wai, I think I need to prescribe you some medicine…”
 

---

 
Non-Story Note: Just a message for I-X, most Characters can hear and talk to the Narrator but Char cannot. He thinks everyone else is crazy.

Losien: "Well, maybe the robots in Sanctuary will have some sort of VoiceBox."

CopyKAT Thought: Robots? I can identify with them! Yes! Robots! Take me to the robots

When he tries to convey this to his new companions, however...

CopyKAT: "Woof! Woof!"

Newb: "Why do you even want to get him a voice box? We have enough idiots spouting nonsense already."

CopyKAT: "Woof!"

Wai: "Then you should be grateful that at least one idiot ruined our VoiceBox plan for now."

CopyKAT: "Wooooooooooof, woof!"

Newb: "Somebody shut that damn pug up!"

CopyKAT: "Woof?"

Char: "I do believe he's trying to communicate with us."

CopyKAT: "Woof! Woof-woof, woof, woof!"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Oh! I know this song?"

Iriana: "That cute dog can sing? Amazing!"

Newb: "Oh god no."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Who let the dogs out?!"

CopyKAT: "Woof! Woof-woof, woof, woof!"

Wai: “LAND HO!”
 
Iceberg: “Oi! Don’t call me that! I’ll have you know, I’m a respectable iceberg! I ain’t no ho!”
 
Wai, stood at the front of the ship, blinked a few times.
 
Wai: “Uh… are you talking right now?”
 
Iceberg: “Yes. Do you see anyone else out here?”
 
Wai: “Well, I don’t see anyone out here at all, so…”
 
Iceberg: “Well, that’s just rude.”
 
Wai: “Are you… on the iceberg?”
 
Iceberg: “On the iceberg? No!”
 
Wai: “Are you… frozen inside the iceberg?”
 
Iceberg: “No!”
 
Wai: “…”
 
Iceberg: “Have you never seen a talking iceberg before!?”
 
Wai: “…no.”
 
Iceberg: “Well that explains why you called me land!”
 
Wai: “You’re not land?”
 
Iceberg: “I’m an iceberg! Pure water. Frozen.”
 
Wai: “Does that not make you land if you’re frozen?”
 
Iceberg: “Is an ice cube land?”
 
Wai: “No…”
 
Iceberg: “I’m a very large ice cube.”
 
Wai: “But ice cubes don’t talk…”
 
Iceberg: “Have you ever tried to talk to an ice cube?”
 
Wai: “No…”
 
Iceberg: “Well then!”
 
Wai: “I’ll never eat another ice cube in my whole life…”
 
Iceberg: “You ate ice cubes!?”
 
Wai: “What else are you supposed to do with them?”
 
Iceberg: “Try talking to them! You horrible creature!”
 
Wai: “Please don’t smash into our ship! This isn’t the Titan—argh!”
 
Honeybee squeaked with shock as the iceberg slammed into her.

Wai turns around to sound the alarm, but sees Iriana a short distance behind him already, calmly sipping her tea and not spilling a drop despite the heaving of the ship from the impact.

Iriana: "You can eat ice cubes... but not drink tea?"

Her tone is very disapproving.

Wai: "It's not my fault I was built with a highly specialized oral intake system!"

Newb: “Specialised oral intake? I bet you do!”
 
She waggled her eyebrows and gave him a sly grin as she approached.
 
Iceberg: “Such noisy things you little creatures are! Are you some kind of parasites, living on this large, lumbering whale? It will be a blessing when you all sink to the bottom of the ocean.”
 
Wai: “To the lifeboats!”
 
Losien shouts from further down the deck as she tried not to fall over the slowly tipping ship.
 
Losien: “There aren’t any!”
 
Wai: “Any dinghies?”
 
Losien: “None!”
 
Wai: “Armbands?”
 
Newb: “Just swim!”
 
Wai: “To Antarctica? From here?”
 
Newb: “I bet you’re just afraid because you can’t swim.”
 
Wai: “That’s besides the point.”
 
Newb started laughing.
 
Iriana: “But we can’t just swim away!”
 
Wai: “Thank you, Iriana!”
 
Iriana: “We can’t abandon poor Honeybee!”
 
Wai: “Oh.”
 
Honeybee: “Leave me! Save yourselves! Know that I died in glory!”
 
Wai: “Whacked by an aggressive iceberg is glorious?”
 
Losien: “Okay! Looks like we have to swim!”
 
Newb: “I always won gold at the one hundred metres!”
 
CopyKAT looked excited at the prospect of getting back in the water, his tail wagging eagerly.
 
CopyKAT: “Woof! Woof!”
 
Aladdyn burst from a cabin with a beach towel and a beach ball.
 
Aladdyn: “Ready to go!”
 
Wai: “Guys, this isn’t a good idea! We can’t just abandon ship!”
 
Iriana: “I agree with Wai! We can’t leave poor Honeybee to drown!”
 
Wai: “Exactly! And it’s not because I can’t swim. Honest.”
 
Char: “Technically, I believe Honeybee cannot breathe. She won’t drown. She’ll be at the bottom of the ocean.”
 
Iriana: “Alone.”
 
Wai: “Forever.”
 
Losien felt a wash of guilt.
 
Losien: “You’re right… but what can we do?”
 
Newb groaned.
 
Newb: “All this for a dumb robot.”
 
Char: “Ahem!”
 
Wai: “Yeah! What he ahemed!”
 
Aladdyn’s shoulders sagged.
 
Aladdyn: “But I thought there would be seagulls, and sunbathing and…”
 
Tears welled up in his eyes at the tragedy of it all. He managed to whisper his greatest desire;
 
Aladdyn: “…ice cream…”
 
Iceberg: “Such a dilemma you are all in! Let me help you!”
 
Wai: “Help us? But you did this to us!”
 
Iceberg: “I know! So it’s the least I could do to fix this problem!”
 
Iriana: “So, it’s a nice iceberg after all?”
 
The iceberg, somehow, leaped from the water and crashed into Honeybee again.
 
Iceberg: “See? Now there’s no choice to be made! Enjoy your drowning~!”
 
In the confusion of being crushed by an exceptionally large ice cube, the freezing cold water and the crumpling of Honeybee’s metal, the heroes soon found themselves sinking amidst the wreckage of their friend. Her voice blared through the speaker horns, sounding very melodramatic and Shakespearian;
 
Honeybee: “How it is I die, so young and lonely! What an end has come to fair Honeybee!”
 
Losien: “Blub blub blub?” [Is she dying in iambic pentameter?]
 
While the fleshy heroes are able to open their mouths, Char is able to project his voice through his own vocal hardware.
 
Char: “This is a most unfortunate circumstance we find ourselves in.”
 
Losien: “Blub! Blub! Fuqing blub!” [You don’t bloody say!?]
 
Char: “Honeybee? You are a transforming robot, are you not? Once a car, now a ship?”
 
Honeybee: “And lo, I was once a car, now a ship.”
 
Losien: “Blub, blub, blub.” [You can stop with the sonnet, Honeybee].
 
Char: “Can’t you transform again? Into something like…”
 
Aladdyn: “BLUB BLUB BLUB!” [A hot air balloon!!]
 
Char: “I was thinking more like a submarine.”
 
Honeybee: “Forsooth! Ye speak true! I may transform me!”
 
There was silence in the deep.
 
Honeybee: “Turn around! Don’t watch me change!”
 
Losien: “Blub…” [At least the tragic verse is gone].
 
They all turn and float about awkwardly, trying not to drown whilst also showing as much dignity and poise as they could muster.
 
Then they saw a very happy turtle swimming around them.
 
CopyKAT (as turtle): “Woof!”
 
Newb: “BLUB BLUB!” [Turtles don’t woof!]
 
Losien: “Blub, blub, blub…” [Great, now the Writer’s stealing his own jokes from the spin-off thread].
 
Wai: “Blub, blub, blub?” [Spin-off thread? Wasn’t I in one those once?]
 
Newb: “Blub! Blub! Blub! Blubbity blub blub!” [Why are you blubbing like the rest of us!? You’re a robot!]
 
Wai: “Blub, blub, blub!” !
 
Newb’s bubbling laughter rippled through the group, joined in by Losien’s bad attempt to conceal her own laughter. Aladdyn joins in laughing too. But he doesn’t know why.
 
Honeybee: “You can look noooow~!”
 
They turn to find that Honeybee was now a submarine, still coloured sky blue and still covered in cartoon flowers.
 
Losien: “Blub blub.” [Damn, I was looking forward to singing we all live in a yellow submarine].
 
Wai: “Blub, blub…” [Please, no more musicals…]
 
A hatch opened for the heroes to swim into and then the door shut and they were locked in a tiny compartment full of water.
 
Newb: “Blub blub?” [Is there about to be a horror scene where we all nearly drown?]
 
Wai: “Blub blub blub!?” [Are you trying to jinx us!?]
 
CopyKAT: “Woof! Woof!”
 
The turtle’s tail waggled excitedly as the water started to drop, being pushed out into the ocean.
 
Aladdyn: “I can breathe again!”
 
Char: “I am most impressed that you all held your breath for so long! Quite incredible!”
 
Losien: “It would have been a very short story if we’d all died there…”
 
Char: “…quite. I’m sure.”
 
When the door opened, the turtle went bounding into the rest of the submarine to explore. The heroes went after him and discovered much of the interior was damaged and falling apart. Honeybee, with some embarrassment, said;
 
Honeybee: “Sorry, that mean old ice cube did hit me quite fiercely…”
 
Losien patted the metal wall.
 
Losien: “No worries. We’ll help fix you up in no time!”
 
Wai: “But first, speaking of that ice cube, do you think could do be a favour, Honeybee?”
 
Back above water level, the iceberg was sitting pretty and pleased with itself, having smashed that weird creature with the tiny parasites on it.
 
Iceberg: “Another day in the life—WARGH!”
 
The submarine burst from the ocean, beneath the iceberg, a knocked the thing right over. The larger bottom went up into the sky like an icy spike, while its top went underwater.
 
Iceberg: “BLUB BLUB BLUB!” [LITTLE SWINES!]
 
And all the other icebergs in the area laughed as they got to see their friend’s bare backside exposed to the sun.
 
Iceberg: “BLUB BLUB BLUUUUUUUB!” [Noooooooo! The humility!]

Char: "Those of you with flesh need to be warmed up, stat! Spending all that time in freezing water!"

Newb: "Brrrrr! I wasn't cold till now, what the hell?"

Losien: "It was ignored for narrative convenience until someone called attention to it."

Char: "Uh, you were probably just running on adrenaline till now."

Iriana: "Quick, I'll make some tea to warm us up!"

Wai: "For once, this does seem like an appropriate use of tea."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Give me the tea first! I'm already turning blue!"

Newb: "Wow, the writer is so strapped for ideas he's even reusing jokes!"

CopyKAT (as turtle): "Woof!"

Underwater, glowing green buildings of strange architecture are home to swimming, tentacled creatures.

Shoggoth Guard #1: "Being a guard is so boring."

Shoggoth Guard #2: "I know, right? No one ever finds us."

Shoggoth Guard #1: "And even if they did, the very presence of all us monsters drives people insane anyway!"

Shoggoth Guard #2: "Wait! I see something!"

Shoggoth Guard #2 holds a tentacle over some of his eyes, squinting.

Shoggoth Guard #2: "A human submarine!"

Shoggoth Guard #1: "We're under attack! What do we do?"

Shoggoth Guard #2: "Unleash the kraken!"

On board Honeybee, Iriana tries to reason with Losien.

Iriana: "There aren't any strange monsters, Losien!"

Losien: "With slippery words and smooth logic, my crew seeks to sway my resolve. I believe they have fallen under malign delusions already."

Iriana: "Here, have some tea, it should help."

Losien: "I'm offered a hot beverage to relax. But can I trust that it's not poisoned?"

Iriana: "I would never poison you!"

Suddenly the submarine rocks.

Honeybee: "Guys, not to panic you or anything, but I seem to have been caught within the many-tentacled grip of a giant kraken."

Iriana: "Eek! Losien, you were right!"

Losien: "Only now, at the end, do you understand."

The kraken doesn't try to damage Honeybee, however, merely towing it into a port of the underwater city.

Shoggoth Guard #1: "Humans are airbreathers, right? Direct them to the oxygenated dock."

Kraken: "Sure, sure. Go here, grab this, take it there, grumble grumble. No respect."

Shoggoth Guard #1: "Shoggoth Guard #2, I get the feeling that the kraken isn't very fond of me."

Shoggoth Guard #2: "He doesn't like you. I don't like you either. You just watch yourself. I have the death sentence in twelve oceans."

Shoggoth Guard #1: "Wait, what?"

Shoggoth Guard #2: "Look, the airlock's opening!"

Our heroes peek warily out of the submarine hatch.

Newb: "Oh. Great. Monsters. Where did I put my AK-47?"

Shoggoth Guard #1: "What? How are they not stark, raving mad?"

Shoggoth Guard #2: "They must be inured to insanity already! Cthulhu preserve us!"

Then CopyKAT bounds out in his dog form, and looks up at the shoggoth guards, wagging his tail. Then he transforms into a shoggoth!

Shoggoth Guard #1: "A fellow shoggoth! Amazing!"

CopyKAT: "Woof!"

Shoggoth Guard #2: "It speaks the ancient royal tongue of R'lyeh!"

Char: "Is it just me, or are these misshapen creatures bowing to our canine friend?"

The Beatles seemed to ignore the demands of I-X the Writer and were now busily getting Honeybee in ship shape and Bristol fashion.
 
Ringo: “I think it’s submarine shape.”
 
George: “Arright lad, enough of that. Quick, while those melons out there are busy talking to…”
 
He glanced out of the porthole to look at the Shoggoths.
 
George: “Whatevers, we get this beauty in order and we can carry on our merry way, singing songs and sailing waves!”
 
Honeybee: “Beauty, am I?”
 
The submarine tittered.
 
Ringo: “Look, lad, I’m too old for those kind of waves, if you catch my drift?”
 
Paul: “George, John, are you fellas meant to be dead?”
 
John: “We’re ghosts now, son! Check it out!”
 
John put his hand through the submarine’s wall.
 
Honeybee: “Oh! That tickles!”
 
John: “Aye love, bet it does. But there’s only one lass for me and she’s out there. Somewhere.”
 
George: “You mean Yoko? She’s probably at your house, ya daft sod.”
 
John: “See, this is why I write the songs. You ain’t got a romantic bone in your body, you lad!”
 
Paul cleared his throat.
 
John: “What?”
 
Paul: “You--!”
 
Ringo: “I reckon I found the on switch.”
 
George: “How d’ya know that?”
 
Ringo: “Says on on it.”
 
George: “Arright then. Just wait for that lot to bugger off and we’ll nick it!”
 
John: “Guess we’re proper scousers after all…”
 

---

 
Outside the submarine, the doors to the Shoggoth city were opening. Very, very slowly. Then they stopped. Everyone looked awkwardly around.
 
Shoggoth Guard #1: “Sorry, we haven’t opened these in a while.”
 
He gave it a kick and it started opening again.
 
Newb: “Uh, are we going to vote on this? The whole, going into a creepy monster city angle? I mean, our submarine is right there, you know? Maybe we should just… move on. Am I right?”
 
Iriana: “But our little doggy friend is so happy!”
 
The giant Shoggoth that is CopyKAT was waggling it’s monstrous tail in anticipation of ice of the cream. Or cream of the ice. Or creaming ice.
 
Newb: “Ew, that just sounds… this isn’t an R-rated story, is it? I didn’t sign up for that kind of nasty.”
 
Soon as the doors were open, CopySHOGGOTH went running inside. His monster legs bounding like a little pug dog. The other Shoggoth were surprised, but decided this was clearly the ways of the ancestors. And copied the copycat.
 
Wai: “I think this is what that Article 51 was about in Star Trek.”
 
Losien: “You mean the prime directive.”
 
Wai: “How do you even know that?”
 
Newb: “Nerd alert!”
 
Newb turned her fingers into an ‘L’ on her forehead.
 
Losien: “I… have an older brother who watched it!”
 
Char: “Please don’t bully Ms Simon, Ms Newb. You too, Wai.”
 
Wai: “Why don’t I get Mr Wai, huh?”
 
Newb: “Because the old sausage and potatoes are made of metal.”
 
Wai: “Hey!”
 
Shoggoth Guard #1: “Friends of the Ancient One are welcome into the city of Underwateropolis!”
 
Wai: “Wow. Just… wow.”
 
Newb: “How about we refuse the offer of going inside and leave the dog-monster behind?”
 
The two guards step forward, their big legs pounding the sandy floor.
 
Shoggoth Guard #2: “We… insist.”
 
Char: “How… hospitable.”
 
Iriana: “They’re not that hospitable! We haven’t even been offered tea yet! There’s not a single crumpet or Nice biscuit in sight!”
 
The heroes were ushered inside the city by the big, fishy-monster-men.
 

---

 
Meanwhile, in Australia, the Australian government were still debating how to deal with the manic Necroman and his necromist that was infecting the people and turning them into the delirious necroids. The cameras focusing on their advance currently showed many of the necroids singing and dancing their way down the streets like football hooligans after a victory for their team. Violence and all.
 
At the front of the procession was Necroman himself, dressed in his sparkling pink suit, bowler hat and white cape. He was tap dancing next to a bunch of his necroids, who were flinging themselves at a wall. The wall had been erected to stop the march of the necroids, but the suicidal mania of the former humans meant the wall would be breached sooner or later… once enough of them had crushed their bodies against it.
 
Necroman: “All in all, you’re just another… splat on the wall!”
 
He grinned merrily and wiggled his 3D glasses at the camera that was recording him.
 
Scott Morrison: “So, have we had any luck finding this genie?”
 
There’s a lot of blank stares.
 
Scott Morrison: “Is that a no?”
 
Politician #1: “Sorry, we’re just wondering who you are.”
 
Scott Morrison: “What!? I’m the current prime minister of Australia!”
 
There was a lot of sighs of understanding across the room.
 
Scott Morrison: “Why isn’t the prime minister of Australia more recognised in this world, hmm? Everyone knows the prime minister of the UK, or the president of France!”
 
There was a general murmur of agreement and frustration as the attentions to other countries at the expense of their own.
 
Scott Morrison: “Hold on a minute, you’re all in my cabinet! Why the hell don’t you know who I am!?”
 
Politician #1: “To answer your earlier question, and to avoid the new one, we have not found a genie as yet. We have leads to a certain half-genie that was last seen in the middle of the ocean, but he has disappeared.”
 
Scott Morrison: “Damnit! We need more out of the box thinking! Anyone?”
 
Politician #1: “Well, what if we gave the necroids coronavirus!?”
 
The prime minister was aghast.
 
Scott Morrison: “What!?”
 
Politician #1: “Like… they cancel each other out! Isn’t that how medicine works?”
 
Politician #2: “Or we could try injecting disinfectant! I heard that from a very reliable source.”
 
Scott Morrison: “How would we even administer coronavirus to a bunch of crazed necroids?”
 
Politician #1: “Well, that’s simple. The way it’s usually spread.”
 
Scott Morrison: “You want to sneeze on them?”
 
The politicians laugh.
 
Politician #2: “The real way that the coronavirus is spread, prime minister! Through the new-fangled 5G network!”
 
Scott Morrison: “Why am I very dubious about this...?”
 
Politician #1: “I understand the ethical dilemma of infecting diseased people with another disease, prime minister…”
 
Politician #2: “But it’s okay! We can still inject them with disinfectant afterwards!”
 
Politician #1: “Huzzah!”
 
And so, the Australian government activates the 5G network across Australia… however, this does not have the desired affect at all. Hours later…
 
Scott Morrison: “What in the name of my aunt’s butt-cheek has happened?”
 
Politician #1: “Seems the necroids are immune to coronavirus.”
 
Scott Morrison: “But everyone else in Australia wasn’t!”
 
Politician #2: “And now many people are turning into zombies from the 5G network…”
 
Politician #1: “Now we know what happens if you crank up coronavirus through your 5G network. I’m sure the people will understand that the government has responded very efficiently to the current crisis.”
 
On the camera screen, as the politicians debate, something unexpected, or further unexpected, has happened. Some of the shuffling, traditional zombies were starting to chase, albeit very slowly, the blue-skinned necroids. Green versus blue, a whole new brand of race war the racists had not been preparing for.

The NeS Heroes were marched through the city. The buildings were only buildings by default of this being a city. They appeared more like eerie, swaying rocks with holes in them. And things moving within them…
 
Random Thing #1: “Oi! I resent being labelled as a ‘thing’!”
 
Random Thing #2: “I think I’m more of an unknowable fiend, myself.”
 
Random Thing #3: “I think I’m more of a wotsit.”
 
The other things looked at this third one.
 
Random Thing #1: “Like the cheesy puffs?”
 
Random Thing #2: “I definitely don’t feel like a cheesy puff.”
 
Random Thing #1: “I dunno. You are a bit squishy. And you smell.”
 
Random Thing #2: “We live in an ominous, underwater, eldritch city! What did you expect!?”
 
Random Thing #3: “Heated towel racks.”
 
The other things looked at this third one. Again.
 
Random Thing #2: “What?”
 
Random Thing #3: “You asked what I was expecting by living here. I was expecting heated towel racks. But no.”
 
Random Thing #1: “I think Random Thing #3 has a cheesy puff for a brain.”
 
Random Thing #3: “And I expected potted plants. Geraniums.”
 
Below, the heroes’ faces went white as they heard a hideous howl from one of the buildings where the things dwelt.
 
Newb: “Do I lose badass points if I admit I’m pissing my knickers with fright?”
 
Wai: “A bit, yeah…”
 
Newb: “I am totally okay with everything that is happening right now!”
 
Losien: “Why do I feel like this is all my fault?”
 
Char: “Because you always think everything is your fault.”
 
Wai: “It doesn’t matter whose fault it is. How are we going to get out of this?”
 
Newb: “I dunno. I could use someone to blame right about now.”
 
Char: “I fear that the only real way for us to get out of this situation safely is for our esteemed canine companion to get us out.”
 
Wai: “So we have to rely on a dog to save us?”
 
Newb: “Well, it could be worse.”
 
Wai: “How!?”
 
Newb: “We could be relying on Aladdyn…”
 
A few metres away, Aladdyn was prancing along the street; rolling, jumping, hiding (badly) and suddenly running for new cover. Humming the Mission: Impossible tune the whole way.
 
Wai: “I will take your point.”
 
Losien: “How can we get CopyKAT to help, Char?”
 
Char: “I don’t have any answers for you, Ms Simon. But… the Shoggoths seem to find him most perplexing.”
 
Newb: “How can you know that? I can’t understand them now they’re all barking at each other.”
 
Char: “That’s the thing. They believe CopyKAT is speaking their ancient tongue. But… well he isn’t, is he? We all know he’s just barking like a dog. So, they can’t understand what he’s saying.”
 
Losien: “Because he isn’t saying anything. Just barking!”
 
Newb: “But how do you know they can’t understand him?”
 
Char: “My translation module is working just fine.”
 
Wai: “You have a translation module!?”
 
Char: “I am a medical robot, Wai. It wouldn’t do if I couldn’t understand the person I’m trying to operate on!”
 
Losien: “Uh, I find it more troubling that you would need to communicate with someone while you’re operating on them, Char!”
 
Newb: “Why didn’t you tell us you could understand them, you pile of bolts!?”
 
Wai: “Oi! That’s offensive!”
 
Newb: “Your haircut’s offensive!”
 
Wai: “Hey! Now that’s personal!”
 
Newb: “The monk-cut wasn’t cool, even in the Dark Ages.”
 
Wai: “Why you-!”
 
Char chimed in with his answer, mostly to diffuse the situation;
 
Char: “I didn’t mention it before, because they were speaking in English. Remember?”
 
Losien: “But can’t you communicate with CopyKAT?”
 
Char: “No. As we agreed, he isn’t talking. He’s just barking. It isn’t a language.”
 
Losien: “Fudge.”
 
Char: “Of course, when his barks translate in to Shoggoth, he’s mostly speaking gibberish.”
 
Losien: “Oh?”
 
Char listened and translated;
 
Char: “Banana pie. Bring your fedora. Wild fax machine. Hiccoughing bench press.”
 
Losien: “Can’t you tell them to let us go?”
 
Char: “They will only listen to CopyKAT.”
 
Aladdyn: “OH! WHY DON’T YOU PRETEND TO BE THE DOG!?”
 
Char: “I will not get on all fours, Mr Quirk.”
 
Aladdyn: “No! I mean… like… that word!”
 
Newb: “Genius, Al. Genius.”
 
Aladdyn: “I know, right!?”
 
Wai: “Maybe you should let the adults talk now, Aladdyn…”
 
Losien: “Holy… crap! He’s right!”
 
Everyone else is aghast. Even Char.
 
Char: “Now, now, Losien. Let’s not jump to—”
 
Losien: “He means ventriloquism!”
 
Aladdyn: “I do? I thought I meant vascular system…”
 
Losien: “You, Char, speak for CopyKAT! Can your voice box be put somewhere else? Like, inside CopyKAT’s Shoggoth mouth?”
 
Char: “Losien! That would be most—undignified!”
 
Newb was grinning and giggling with malicious glee.
 
Newb: “You should tell the other Shoggoth that CopyKAT is totally up for a tumble in the hay!”
 
Aladdyn grinned at Newb, with a more innocent glee.
 
Aladdyn: “I love rolling around in hay! Want to roll around with me!?”
 
Newb cringed.
 
Newb: “When pigs fly.”
 
Aladdyn: “Yeah! I look forward to it!”
 
It was Wai’s turn to proffer up a cruel smile.
 
Wai: “Just close your eyes and think of England.”
 
Newb: “I’m not--! I’m from Russia, you ^**^&%*&$())%^&%*$!”
 
Losien: “That… was quite the tirade.”
 
Char: “I think she just broke my audio processor…”