Forums for The Plothole

As Losien grapples with this moral dilemma, Iriana sips her tea.

Iriana: "How long will this journey take?"

Losien: "However long the narrative requires."

Newb: "For any other hero team, lame-ass timetables like that would get you killed."

Losien: "Other hero teams aren't driven by narrative!"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Or by as much awesomeness!"

Newb: "More like dumbassery."

Losien: "Okay, so maybe it's more laziness than narrative sometimes."

Aladdyn surveys his garb critically.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Iriana, this overcoat is thinner than I expected. And it's frilly."

Wai: "...overcoat?"

Newb: "Like I said..."

Iriana: "It's not an overcoat, silly! It's a dress!"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "No wonder I have cooties!"

Iriana: "It's not infected! I wouldn't give you infected clothing! I disinfected it with a special blend of tea."

Char: "Her obsession with tea seems to be growing m-more intense. I wonder if perhaps another psych evaluation is in order."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "I'm sorry, but I don't do dresses. It's not my thing. And besides, this isn't very warm anyway."

Iriana: "But, but, but you look so pretty!"

Newb: "Haw haw!"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "I don't want to look pretty!"

Newb: "Trust me, you're not, you're ugly as shite."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Thanks! Hey, wait!"

Char: "Hmm, this seems like a good time to add to Al's psych evaluation. Gender, uh, ideation and bias. Do you believe dresses are not appropriate attire for..."

There is a pause. A slight whir might be heard.

Char: "...men?"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Hey, if other guys want to wear dresses that's fine, but it's not my style! You don't see Iriana wanting to wear pants, do you? Even though it'd be fine if she did, she doesn't want to!"

Wai: "That's surprisingly eloquent."

Char: "I am noticing the apparent ffffflux of his intellect, shifting from goofball to utter moron and b-back.

Newb: "That's utter, utter, utter moron."

Iriana: "Those terms sound so technical!"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "I'm sorry, Iriana. I still love your tea though! We're still cool, right?"

Iriana perks up at the tea-positive statement, and hesitantly fist-bumps his offered fist.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Now, to find that tauntaun suit again."

Newb: "Oh. Too late. I already shredded it with my knife."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "What? How could you!"

Newb: "Oh, it was easy, I just imagined you were still in it and I was done in no time at all."

Aladdyn backs up very quickly from Newb, and hustles into Honeybee's interior to look for warm clothes. In the end, he only has his original outfit, but wraps the dress around him for warmth like a blanket, all while complaining that he's turned blue from cold.

Losien: "Okay, he is stupid."

Newb: "You're just now realizing that?"

Char: "Uncharacteristically, um, negative of you, Losien."

Losien: "He's letting his male pride get in the way of being warm!"

Newb: "What, that's your threshold for stupidity? Not all the other moronic crap?"

Wai: "Losien is highly tolerant of morons, less so of hubris."

Losien: "I don't know if hubris is the right word here..."

Iriana: "Oh my! Don't be hubristic, Al! It will be your downfall!"

She starts sipping her tea more quickly, a sign of her worry.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "I'm just following Captain Kirk's dictum!"

Everyone stares at him.

Newb: "This ought to be good."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "To coldly go where no man has gone before!"

Newb: "Haw haw!"

Losien facepalms.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "But maybe I shouldn't follow that logic. After all, Captain Kirk never turned blue from the cold!"

Char: "Aaaaaaand the intellectual flux shifts, er, right back!"

Aladdyn continues to complain about the cold while huddling beneath his makeshift blanket and sipping the tea a sympathetic Iriana makes for him. But finally Newb loses it.

Newb: "I've had it!"

She stalks forward and bodily lifts Aladdyn up off the deck with her hands, glaring at him.

Newb: "I wish to god you were warm so I didn't have to listen to your bitching! But now I'm going to have endure Losien's disapproval for weeks after flinging you overboard!"

Aladdyn is suddenly clad in multiple sweaters and sweatpants. Newb blinks.

Newb: "Oh. I forgot about that."

Wai: "I rather suspect it wouldn't have worked if you had remembered."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Ahhhh. So warm..."

He slumps to the deck, a blissful smile on his face.

Wai: Who wants to bet how long it'll take him to start complaining about being overheated?"

Newb: “I think… he might be dead after all.”
 
Wai: “I’m really not even sure how to solve this problem.”
 
Char: “Will it ever end?”
 
The three of them were stood before a mountainous pile of clothes. At the end of another minute, another sweater appeared and fell onto the peak of the fabric hill.
 
Wai: “Can you suffocate in clothes?”
 
Char: “Of c-c-course.”
 
Wai: “Not a very glorious demise, is it? Death by ugly Christmas sweater.”
 
Newb rolled up her sleeves.
 
Newb: “I’ll assume, so long as clothes keep appearing, he’s alive. Else the wish would stop. We’d better start dumping all this into the ocean before there’s so many clothes that the ship tips over.”
 
Char: “And I thought you had grown a heart for a moment, Ms Newb.”
 
Newb: “I have a heart!”
 
Char, for a robot, looked dubious.
 
Newb: “It goes, bump-bump. Bump-bump.”
 
Char: “How droll.”
 
They start throwing the clothes into the ocean. Wai pulled out a floppy green hat and frowned at it.
 
Wai: “Feel like I’ve seen this somewhere before.”
 
Char: “Isn’t that the crown of an ancient Greek people?”
 
Wai: “Don’t be ridiculous. It’s that crazy hat from Zelda.”
 
Char: “Oh, my mistake it seems.”
 
Newb pulled out a pair of pink, frilly knickers.
 
Newb: “I think Iriana’s underwear got mixed into the pile too.”
 
Char pulled out t-shirt with a Pikachu smoking cannabis on it. The slogan “Smokémon” in jarring font.
 
Wai: “People are stupid.”
 
Char: “I really don’t think merchandise promoting harmful and addictive substances should be allowed.”
 
Newb: “Check out Captain Killjoy over here. What’s next, no beer?”
 
Char: “Alcohol is also a very dangerous, ah, substance…”
 
Newb: “No hamburgers?”
 
Char: “Meat in moderation to vegetables.”
 
Newb: “No Coca-Cola?”
 
Char: “Worse that cannabis, frankly.”
 
Newb: “It’s like staring into the abyss being around you.”
 
Char: “I am a medical robot. I advocate healthy living.”
 
Newb: “How did that come about anyway? Where are you from, robo-doc?”
 
Char: “I think my backstory should be left for another, um, day. We have a half-genie to rescue.”
 
Newb: “We have a boat to rescue. Saving idiots is the by-product.”
 
It took a long time, but they managed to whittle their way through the whole mountain with large pile remaining.
 
Wai: “We can just throw this last lot over at once. He’ll be underneath it.”
 
The three of them worked together to heft the pile and toss it overboard.
 
Newb: “He’s not even bloody here! All that for nothing!”
 
Char: “I thought you were only saving the ship?”
 
Newb: “Oh yes. Thank you for reminding me of my utter contempt for the blue-ass bastard.”
 
Aladdyn: “Haaaaaaaalp!”
 
Wai: “Oops.”
 
They look overboard to see Aladdyn floundering in the ocean where they had accidentally tossed him.
 
Char: “I will find a lifebuoy.”
 
Newb: “Maybe that boat of clothes will keep him afloat?”
 
Wai: “Uh-oh.”
 
Before Char could go and fetch the lifebuoy, they realise that there is another ship coming up alongside them, filled with a whole lot of very angry people who were shouting at them and waving signs.
 
Wai: “Greenpeace…”

Whup, whup, whup, whup.
 
The NeS Heroes, believing themselves now safe after running – or rather sailing – away from Greenpeace, were attempting to come up with further plans for what they would do after they, finally, reached the frosty robot city.
 
Losien: “Do you know of any particular robots who might be willing to help us, Char?”
 
The robo-nurse robot their hand to their chin and gave the mask a small tug of consideration.
 
Char: “I don’t know if I know anyone in particular, no. But I expect there would be many willing to help for whatever reasons.”
 
Newb: “Such as?”
 
Char shrugged.
 
Char: “Whatever reasons anyone does anything. Robots are all different.”
 
Newb: “Don’t you have model lines? Like Honeybee was the same model as that… grill? How on earth does that make sense anyway?”
 
Char: “They have the same personality matrix, not the same physical model.”
 
Newb: “I know that, I mean why would anyone think that a personality matrix for a grill would be the same for a car?”
 
She glanced down.
 
Newb: “Or boat.”
 
Honeybee: “Ahem. Ship. Thank you very much.”
 
Char: “It might not be quite the right analogy, but being part of a serial personality matrix is like being siblings. Or twin siblings even. Very similar, same coding – genetic coding in human terms – but there are some differences. Honeybee was willing to help us, while Grills was not.”
 
Newb: “So basically, there is no trick to this. We have to go in there and just start harassing random toasters and microwaves if they can help us defeat zombie-infested Australia.”
 
Char: “While I dislike your terminology, correct. I believe Wai has been to Sanctuary before, perhaps he would know someone?”
 
WHUP! WHUP! WHUP! WHUP!
 
Losien: “Can anyone else hear that noise?”
 
They turned to look up into the sky and balked.
 
Newb: “Whoa! Is that an attack helicopter!!!?”
 
Char: “While I did once identify as an attack helicopter, today I prefer—”
 
Newb: “Not you! That!”
 
On the side of the helicopter is “Greenpeace”. It has very obvious missile launchers on either side of it.
 
Losien: “Greenpeace have an attack helicopter now!?”
 
Newb: “I guess killing humans is fine if it saves the barnacles, right?”
 
Greenpeace: “Alright, you evil murderers! Surrender now!”
 
Losien: “Have I ever been called evil before? That’s a new sensation.”
 
Char: “Now, now. Don’t go getting any ideas. Heroes always think it would be cool to go all grim-dark but when they get there, it gets all boring and depressing.”
 
Newb: “What do we do against a helicopter, chief?”
 
Losien: “Doesn’t Honeybee have weapons? This is a battleship, right?”
 
Char: “There may be some squirty flowers or honking horns around?”
 
Newb: “I definitely saw a cannon down there somewhere. It was painted like a rainbow though.”
 
Char: “Ah. Those are the kind for shooting clowns, not ballistics.”
 

---

 
A short time later and the cannon is prepared.
 
Wai: “Why am I the one in the cannon?”
 
Losien: “I think you’re the only one who could survive being fired into a rain of bullets and still do some damage when you get there.”
 
Newb: “Char might survive, but he won’t hit them.”
 
Char: “We shouldn’t hit anyone.”
 
Newb: “You know that’s mostly what superheroes do, right? This isn’t Carebears. Actually, scratch that. I’ve seen them firing laser beams out of their buttholes. Or wherever.”
 
Wai: “Give me a moment to psyche myself up.”
 
Losien: “We don’t have time, Wai. I don’t know how long before they get bored of listening to Iriana on the comms—”
 

---

 
Inside the bridge, Iriana is sat on a swivel chair, china cup in hand, and is discussing her favourite cat memes with the Greenpeace people on the helicopter.
 

---

 
Wai: “It’s not you who’s going to be blasted out of a—”
 
Newb: “Bon voyage!”
 
She lit the fuse.
 
Wai: “Did you just—!”
 
BOOM!
 
Wai soared through the air straight at the helicopter.
 
Wai: “WAAAAAAAAAH!”
 
Aladdyn: “Me next! Me next!”
 
Losien: “Al, this is a serious mission.”
 
Aladdyn: “Aye, aye, commander!”
 
He climbed into the cannon.
 
Losien: “By that, I meant this is not a fairground ride for you to play with.”
 
Aladdyn: “Awwwwww…”
 
Losien: “Don’t pull a sad face at me.”
 
Newb: “Bon voyage!”
 
Losien: “Newb, no!”
 
BOOM!
 
Aladdyn soared through the sky in the wake of Wai.
 
Aladdyn: “WHEEEEEEEE!”
 
Char: “I just knew she was going to do that.”
 
Losien: “If Aladdyn gets killed up there--!”
 
Newb: “It’s okay! It’s okay!”
 
She pulled out a piece of paper.
 
Newb: “We can write his eulogy now! I was thinking of opening with a comment on how eager for action he was!”
 

---

 
At the attack helicopter;
 
Greenpeace #1: “Grumpy cat is classic. But have you seen the Ed Sheeran cat?”
 
Greenpeace #2: “Oh look! Some sweetie birdies are coming towards us!”
 
Greenpeace #1: “Hey, I’m trying to talk about internet cats here! Who cares about birds?”
 
Greenpeace #2: “They have big birds…”
 
SLAM!
 
The whole helicopter started to spiral around and around as Wai crashed through the side of it, leaving a Wai-shaped hole in the door.
 
Greenpeace #1 & #2: “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!”
 
Iriana (on the comms): “I don’t think I know that that one. How many Es is that? I’ll search for it!”
 
Wai: “Consider your helicopter confiscated!”
 
Greenpeace #1: “Never! I’ll crash it first!”
 
Greenpeace #2: “But if you crash it into the ocean, it might hurt the dolphins!”
 
Greenpeace #1: “I don’t think there are dolphins in these waters.
 
Iriana (on the comms): “There are lots of trout though.”
 
Greenpeace #1: “Who cares about trout? They’re not cute!”
 
As the helicopter slowly turned;
 
BANG!
 
Aladdyn slapped against the window.
 
Greenpeace #2: “Ouch…”
 
Wai: “Don’t let him fall into the ocean!”
 
Greenpeace #1: “He’s a human! Who cares!?”
 
Wai punched the window and grabbed Aladdyn’s arm.
 
Aladdyn: “Hi!”
 
Wai: “Hello, Al. What brings you here?”
 
Aladdyn: “Well, when mommies and daddies get together—”
 
Wai: “Ask a stupid question…”
 
Aladdyn: “And you get a genius answer!”
 
Wai: “That’s not how that goes! Nevermind, which one of you is the pilot!?”
 
He turned.
 
They’d bailed.
 
Along with the only parachutes.
 
Wai: “Now we’re screwed.”
 
Aladdyn: “Uh-oh, looks like we’ll be meeting with the fishes…”
 
Wai: “Sleeping, Al! Sleeping with the fishes!”
 
Aladdyn: “Now that’s just wrong, Wai! No wonder the animal people didn’t like you!”
 
Wai: “Not that kind of sleeping!”
 
He struggled to hold onto Aladdyn while trying to use the controls of the helicopter.
 
Iriana (on the comms): “Now, now. I have some mellow tea that is perfect for such dramatic situations as these!”
 
Wai: “Iriana! I don’t know how to operate the helicopter!”
 
Iriana (on the comms): “Helicopter-operations-tea? That would be a very unusual brew.”
 
Wai: “No! I need you to find out how to operate this thing and tell me over the comms!”
 
Aladdyn: “Like in the movies!”
 
Iriana (on the comms): “Oh, I see! Good idea!”
 
There was a long silence.
 
Wai: “Iriana, what are you doing!?”
 
Iriana (on the comms): “I’m waiting for my web browser to load. The internet signal out here is very poor. Do you know the model of the helicopter, I’ll need to type it into Google!”
 
Aladdyn: “Not like in the movies…”

A short time later;
 
Wai: “What are we supposed to do for a whole week?”
 
Losien: “We could train?”


Newb: “Train at what? You don’t have any weapons, and I sure as hell don’t trust any of you with my guns.”
 
Losien snatched up a broom.
 
Losien: “I can train with this!”
 
Newb: “You’ll instil fear in the hearts of our enemies.”
 
Losien: “At least I- ouch!”
 
She leapt up an down and grabbed the mouse trap that had snapped on her boot.
 
Losien: “Why is there a mouse trap on the ship?”
 
Newb: “Let me think. Hmm. Could it be to, now I realise this might sound far-fetched, to catch mice!!!!?”
 
She made a mock gasp.
 
Losien: “I hate you.”
 
Newb: “I hated you first.”
 
Losien: “Hipster!”
 
Newb: “Bi-ouch!”
 
She yanked a mouse trap off of her own boot.
 
Newb: “Why are there two mouse traps?”
 
Losien: “To catch two mice, huh!”
 
She pulled her tongue at Newb.
 
Newb: “I’m sure that sounded like a sarcastic victory in your head…”


Losien: “It did…”
 
Wai: “But, please, I… don’t know what to do!”
 
Losien frowned.
 
Losien: “What do you mean?”


Wai: “A week! What do I do!?”
 
Losien: “Do whatever you want to do, Wai.”
 
Wai: “But… I don’t stay in one place for that long! I’m the Wandering A.I., remember? I don’t know what to do in one place for that long.”
 
Newb: “If you’re nice to Iriana, she might let you read her dirty fanfiction?”
 
Losien: “Iriana writes fanfiction?”
 
Newb gave Losien a wry smile.
 
Newb: “Are you honestly surprised?”
 
Losien: “I am, even though I know I shouldn’t be.”
 
Newb: “Apparently she has a fanfiction buddy who calls herself Magick Snowflakes. They’re always writing about superheroes in love triangles. Or love quadrangles. Tetra-angles? That a word?”
 
Losien: “Oh dear…”
 
Newb: “We should probably tell her that Aladdyn and Wai aren’t dead, by the way. She’s probably crying into her tea in the cabin.”
 
Aladdyn: “That will be my quest!”
 
He turned to run off on his mission but there was an audible snap!
 
Aladdyn froze, his back to the others. They silently watched. They knew he only had little curly-toed sandals on.
 
Losien: “It’s okay to cry, Al.”
 
Aladdyn: “Thank you…”
 
He fell to the ground in tears.
 
Char: “Let me take a look at that, my boy. Is there truly such a problem with rats on this ship that there would be so many traps around?”
 
Losien: “Funny because there weren’t any earlier.”
 
Honeybee’s voice bellowed out;
 
Honeybee: “They’re certainly not mine! This ship is shipshape! No mice on me. I’m clean. I get checked every week.”
 
Losien: “Yeesh.”
 
Newb: “I bet the mechanic is good at servicing you, Honeybee. Heh heh.”
 
Honeybee: “He does have the perfect tool, yes.”
 
They start laughing while Losien groaned.
 
Newb: “Good with his hands, I bet?”
 
Honeybee: “He likes to oil me up first.”
 
Losien: “Please… stop…”
 
Newb: “Bet he—ouch!”
 
Wai: “Karma.”
 
Newb: “These frickin’ traps!”
 
Aladdyn: “It’s me! It’s me!”
 
He stared up at them with wild eyes.
 
Losien: “Char, I don’t think he didn’t a dose of drugs for a mouse trap.”
 
Newb: “Do I get a dose of the funny juice? I’m in pain too, Doc!”
 
Char: “I didn’t administer a-anything of the sort!”
 
Wai: “Oh… he means the traps. I made a wish, didn’t I? All his wishes go wrong, so…”
 
Losien: “What did you wish for!?”


Wai: “I didn’t want to die in this death trap…”
 
Losien: “Now I g—”
 
She looked up as something caught her eye.
 
Losien: “Everyone… get inside!!!”
 
She didn’t wait for anyone to obey her, she ran off. Char went after her, without questioning her, while Wai went after her too, without questioning the horrified tone of her voice. Aladdyn ran too. The wrong way.
 
Newb: “What are you lot worried about?”
 
She looked up.
 
From the sky, it was about to rain millions of mouse traps.
 
Newb: “Crapcakes!”
 
She ran after the others, bowling over Aladdyn on the way and knocking him in the correct direction. Newb skidded through the open door and slammed it behind her. There was a loud pang.
 
Newb: “Oops.”
 
She opened the door and Wai and Losien dragged the unconscious Aladdyn inside by his ankles. Moments later and mouse traps were hitting the deck with the nasty sound of snap! Snap! Snap! Snap!
 
Losien: “Looks like we’ll be staying indoor for a while.”
 
Wai: “But, what will I do!!!!!?”

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Wow! I'm so far ahead of you guys that I can't see anyone else! I didn't know I was such a natural at this!"

Char: "Um, that's because you're heading the wrong way."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Am not! I'm driving on the right side of the road, see?"

Our valiant heroes are playing Mario Kart on a GameCube. Losien has brought a GameCube and Mario Kart on this journey, a travel tip she picked up from her worldly brother, and this has finally brought Wai some much needed distraction. Losien has made some questionable modifications to her GameCube, allowing six players to play at once.

Wai: "At least I can pretend I'm not in one place..."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Oh, hey, Newb, I see you! You're driving the wrong way, you know- eep!"

Aladdyn yelps as Newb's Donkey Kong fires a turtle shell at Aladdyn's Bowser, sending him spinning every which way.

Newb: "Mwahahahahaha!"

Aladdyn finally controls his kart, and pulls back onto the road, only to be clipped by Iriana's Princess Peach!

Iriana: "Oh no! I'm very sorry, Aladdyn!"

Newb: "Don't apologize to the cretin!"

Losien: "Yeah, you did him a favor, spinning him the right way around again!"

Newb: "Aw, dammit!"

Using something Losien called “Nintendo Power” she had now not only rigged the Gamecube to allow six players (though everyone was forced to squint at the screen when playing Mario Kart, as it was divided up into six little squares for each player) she rigged it up to use the motion control waggle sticks of a Wii.
 
And they were playing Mario Party. Infamous for ending friendships.
 
Wai: “You were the chosen one, Losien!”
 
Losien glared at Wai sinisterly.
 
Wai: “You said you would destroy Team Newb, not join them!”
 
From behind Losien, Newb, Iriana and Char turn and grin manically at Wai. At least he assumed Char was grinning manically behind the surgical mask.
 
Wai: “You were supposed to bring balance to the power stars!! Not leave me with none!”
 
Losien: “From my point of view, Team Wai is evil!”
 
Wai: “Evil!?”
 
Losien: “I mean, you’re going to lose. And I want to win.”
 
Wai looked at his only remaining teammate. Aladdyn smiled with an absent stare.
 
Wai: “Okay. I can’t argue with that.”
 
The next mini game popped up and everyone is knocked out, except for Wai and Losien.
 
Wai: “Don’t do it, Losien. I have the high ground!”
 
Losien: “You underestimate my NINTENDO POWER!”
 
She waggled her Wii stick furiously. Wai did likewise.
 
Losien’s Mario Party character is smacked off the screen.
 
Losien fell to her knees.
 
Wai: “I loved you like a brother, Losien!”
 
Char: “While I approve of advances in gender fluidity, I feel that word might not—”
 
Losien bursts into flame.
 
Everyone Else: “Holy fu--!”

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Quick! Someone get the fire distinguisher!"

Newb: "You're so lucky Losien's on fire right now and I don't have time to slap you upside the head."

Wai: "Honeybee, is there a fire extinguisher somewhere on this ship?"

Honeybee: "Certainly! Catch, Aladdyn!"

A hatch in the wall opens and a fire extinguisher is propelled out at high speeds. Aladdyn turns, hands held up - just in time to take the fire extinguisher to the face, getting conked out.

Newb grabs the fire extinguisher and puts Losien out.

Newb: "Honeybee, I love you."

Honeybee: "Oh really now..."

Newb: "Not like that!"

Honeybee: "Aw..."

Newb looked out of the circular cabin window.
 
Newb: “Well, at least the rain of mousetraps is over. None of them are left. That’s lucky too, else those Greenpeace guys would come back for polluting the ocean.”
 
Char: “Again.”
 
Iriana: “If I put enough tealeaves into the ocean, would it turn all to tea!?”
 
A moment of silence.
 
Newb: “How many tealeaves do you have?”
 
Losien: “Mmmhpmmmh?”
 
Newb looked at Losien with glassy eyes.
 
Newb: “I am so happy right now.”
 
Losien: “Mmh?”
 
Newb: “It’s like… beautiful silence.”
 
Losien: “Mmhdhsdhs!!!”
 
Losien struggled to shift her bandaged face.
 
Losien: “Can you hear me now?”
 
Newb: “Oh Lord, why have you forsaken me?”
 
Losien’s mouth, the only thing anyone can see now, grimaced.
 
Losien: “I was asking where Wai went?”
 
Newb: “Oh, he went into another room because he thinks he’s a secret spy going to Mars.”
 
Losien: “I confess, that’s not the strangest thing I’ve ever heard. And that worries me.”
 
Newb: “You’re currently a bandaged mummy after you spontaneously combusted.”
 
Losien: “I should have been more careful with Nintendo Power!”
 
The door slammed open and Wai burst back into the room. Iriana gasped and almost dropped her tea.
 
Honeybee: “You shouldn’t be so rough with my tender parts, dear.”
 
Uncomfortable silence as everyone recalls that they’re inside a very naughty-minded female ship.
 
Wai: “Uh…”
 
Char: “Was there an emergency, Wai?”
 
Wai: “Right! Yes! Sorry! Honeybee threw me off. Hold on.”
 
He backed up out of the room.
 
Losien: “Is this really necessary?”
 
Wai burst in again, although he was a little more delicate with the door. Iriana gasped and almost dropped her tea again.
 
Newb: “Really, Iri? You knew he was going to do that.”
 
Wai: “PIRATES!”
 
Everyone jumped to attention this time.
 
Losien: “We should have known. We’re at sea on a ship. I can’t believe it’s taken so long! Of course there’s pirates!”
 
Char: “I’m pretty sure the chances of meeting actual pirates is very slim.”
 
Losien: “What? It’s all but guaranteed! Ship, ocean, pirates. All we need is rough seas and we have the complete set-up for every sea-story ever written.”
 
Char: “We don’t live in a—”
 
Wai: “STORM!!”
 
Char just tutted.
 
Losien: “There’s no weapons, right? Just the human cannons? What about water cannons?”
 
Newb: “Water cannons?”
 
Losien: “Like in that movie with Tom Hanks!”
 
Newb: “What movie?”
 
Losien: “I don’t know, I only saw the trailer. It looked really boring.”
 
Newb: “Uncultured swine!”
 
Losien: “You don’t even know what movie I’m talking about! Heck, I don’t even think you watch movies!”
 
Newb: “I’m too cool for movies. I have too many broody monologues on my mind for stupid things like that.”
 
Losien: “Honeybee!”
 
Honeybee: “Yes?”
 
Losien: “What about giant squirty flowers!?”
 
Newb: “Hold your horses there, Ms Stick-up-ass.”
 
Iriana: “Newb!”
 
Newb: “What? You can practically see it sticking out of those bandages.”
 
Losien: “What!?”
 
She fumbled with her wrappings, prompting Newb to snicker. Losien crossed her arms.
 
Losien: “I would smack you, but I can’t see you.”
 
Newb: “Idle threats.”
 
Losien: “We need to stop the pirates from getting on-board!”
 
Newb: “Don’t worry. It’s already taken care of.”
 
Losien: “What do you mean?”
 
Newb grinned devilishly.
 
Newb: “I set traps!”
 
Losien: “You did!? Not the mousetraps?”
 
Newb: “Much, much worse and far, far more deadly.”
 
Char: “Oh dear…”
 

---

 
Outside, the Somali pirates are waving their rifles angrily at Aladdyn, who is on the deck. Aladdyn waves back.
 
Aladdyn: “Hullo! Enjoying a boat ride?”
 
One of the pirates fired off his gun, prompting Aladdyn to duck down.
 
Aladdyn: “How wude.”
 
It was moments before a grappling hook was over the railings and the Somali pirates were climbing on-board. In the distance a storm was encroaching…
 
One held a gun at Aladdyn.
 
Somali Pirate #1: “Where is the cargo?”
 
Aladdyn tapped his chin in thought.
 
Aladdyn: “There might be some old clothes left?”
 
There was a sudden blood-curdling scream as one of the pirates went down.
 
Somali Pirate #1: “What was that!? What happened to him!?”
 
Another pirate wailed in agony and went down to the ground.
 
Somali Pirate #2: “The ship is boobytrapped!”
 
Somali Pirate #1: “With what!? What could be so deadly?”
 
Another howl of terror and anguish as yet another pirate tried to run but couldn’t manage it as his feet couldn’t connect with the floor. He toppled over and they could see his wounded soles. Their eyes widened with horror.
 
Somali Pirate #1: “LEGOs!!!! Everyone run! Abandon this ship!!!”
 
The pirates all run.
 
But many of them were lost that day. The air was filled with the sound of suffering.
 
Somewhere, the Danes bowed their head in both pride and despair at the evil they had created and unleashed upon the world.

Losien: "Brilliant idea, Char. How'd you think of it?"

Char: "Well, I do have some knowledge in psychology."

Newb: "I don't need to be a psychologist to know he's psycho."

At Char's behest, Iriana and Aladdyn picked up all the Legos and made a gigantic maze out of them on the ship's deck. Wai is now happily wandering amidst the labyrinthine passageways, no longer threatening to go insane.

Newb: "But since Aladdyn got lost in there, I don't care. Great idea!"

Char: "Er… thanks?"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: *in the distance* "Don't worry about me, friend! I'm using excess Legos to build signs to direct me out of here! Let's see, I'll arrange this one to say That Way. Foolproof plan!"

Losien signs. Newb snickers. Iriana sips her tea.

And then thunder.
 
The storm, that would add to the sea-story trope set, had now arrived and the ship started rocking and swaying over the huge waves. Rain began to pelt the deck and lightning would streak in the distance, followed by the terrible rumbling.
 
Losien: “Now I’m a wet mummy…”
 
Newb: “Pretty sure that’s a line from a porno.”
 
Losien: “Ew! What kind of porn are you watching!?”
 
Newb rose an eyebrow.
 
Newb: “Did you just admit that you, Losien Simon, watch porn?”
 
Losien: “No! I mean, I might have accidentally-on-purpose opened some of my brother’s magazines when we were teenagers…”
 
Newb: “Riiiiiiight.”
 
Losien: “How was I supposed to know that’s what was hidden under the bed? Behind the boxes… under the floorboards… behind a mountain of Kleenex?”
 
Aladdyn: “GO! GO! GO!”
 
Aladdyn scurried by. Everyone ignored him.
 
Losien: “What will we do now?”
 
Char: “What can we do? At this point, we must put our faith in Honeybee to see us through safely.”
 
Honeybee: “No pressure at all…”
 
Newb yanked a hook-rope from her utility belt and fastened herself to the railing.
 
Losien: “Don’t you have more of those?”
 
Newb: “Nope.”
 
Aladdyn ran past again.
 
Aladdyn: “GO! GO! GO!”
 
Losien: “You’re so selfish, Newb! You—WAAAH!”
 
With a sudden lurch, Losien slipped and went rolling down the deck. As she went, her bandages were unravelling.
 
Char: “Uh oh!”
 
He stamped his robot foot onto the end of the bandage, but rather than stop Losien, as he had hoped, it caused the rolling figure to twang into the air and spin in an instant. Free of the bandages, Losien went spinning overboard.
 
Newb: “Man overboard!!!”
 
Char: “Why is it I that must always point out that Losien is, in fact, female?”
 
Newb: “Don’t get high and mighty with me, Nurse Bigfoot! You did this!”
 
Char: “I am a medical bot, not a master of athletics! I thought she would stop.”
 
Wai: “What’s going on out there!? I think I’m lost!”
 
Newb: “You do realise we’re on the deck of a ship? Your maze is tiny! Get out here!”
 
Wai: “I’m going to starve in here! Lemme out!”
 
Char: “You can’t get hungry, Wai!”
 
Wai: “Aloooooone! So aloooooooooone!”
 
Newb: “We’re right here! You can hear us shouting at you!”
 
Wai: “Why have I been forsakeeeen!?”
 
Char: “Ms Newb, you must use your hook to fish Ms Simon from the water!”
 
Newb: “That would mean I’ll be tumbling down the deck next! No way!”
 
Char: “I never took you for a coward.”
 
Newb: “Oooooooo! You think you can use that psychology training on me, do you?”
 
Char: “I will hold you. Quickly!”
 
Newb growled and unhooked herself before she then tossed it overboard. She leaned over to try to see Losien in the rough ocean waves. She then felt Char’s metal arms embrace her.
 
Newb: “What the-!? You crazy robot! You don’t need to hug me!”
 
Char: “I believe a hug is exactly what you’re lacking, Ms Newb. Don’t worry. You’re safe.”
 
Newb: “You stupid son-of-a--!”
 
Aladdyn: “GO! GO! GO!”
 
Newb: “Someone throw Aladdyn’s slinky overboard! In fact, throw Aladdyn overboard!”

Newb: “Grab the hook, you stupid idiot!”
 
Losien: “Blub blub blub!”
 
Char: “I believe she is trying, Ms Newb, but there is a storm making it difficult.”
 
Newb: “Excuses, excuses.”
 
Losien: “I got it! I got it! Pull me up!”
 
Newb: “Finally. Alright, here—hey, what’s that?”
 
CHOMP!!!!!
 
Taken by surprise, a small, angry pug had latched onto Char’s metal arm with intent to kill, and then consume. Although a robot, Char did have circuitry that allowed him to ‘feel’ things through the outer layer of metal. This allowed him the advantage of precision in doctoring, as well as being able to detect certain conditions in patients. Unfortunately, it also meant that he could experience sudden, jarring assault in his limbs. He flailed his arms about like a mad man.
 
CopyKAT found himself being rattled about like an old bottle of ketchup, where the sauce refuses to come out. He had attacked the metal morsel with the assured knowledge he would fill his belly, but now he was clinging on for dear life.
 
Newb was dragged along with Char and she lost a hold of the hook.
 
Losien: “BLUB BLUB BLUUUUUB!”
 
Char, Newb and the vicious mutt toppled to the slick-with-rain deck and went skidding down it. Then back up it again.
 
Newb: “Why is there are frickin’ dog here!? Kill it!”
 
Char: “I cannot condone murder of any kind, Ms Newb! Even when the animal is trying its best to tear into my robotic skin!”
 
Unable to communicate with his would-be dinner, CopyKAT growled through his teeth.
 
CopyKAT thought: “I could be wrong here, but I think I might have buggered this up. Question is, what do I do now?”
 
Char, able to control his internal mechanisms, shut off his outer receptors and was, at last, able to analyse the stubborn brute without the pain.
 
Char: “Now, now, there’s a good dog. Let go.”
 
Newb: “Are you planning to teach it tricks!? Char, throw it overboard!”
 
Char detached his arm, dog still attached.
 
Newb: “That is gross. I didn’t even know you could do that.”
 
The robot managed to stand up and held his, now detached arm, out, with the dog still hanging from it.
 
Char: “That is not a bone. Bad dog.”
 
Despite his words, their voice was still calm and reassuring.
 
Newb: “Bugger this!”
 
She snatched the arm, dog included, and tossed it overboard. The dog gave a long whine as he disappeared over the ship.
 
As he soared through the stormy sky, CopyKAT had to ponder over the recent events that had led him to this unusual outcome. First, there was testicle licking. Then there was metal licking. And now there was air licking. Next, there would be seawater licking. As far as his past lives went, this had to be the most bizarre starting he had ever encountered.
 
Except for the life where he was born as a potato.
 
Char: “You are a very frustrating individual, Ms Newb.”
 
Losien: “Hey, I found the hook again! Why isn’t anyone holding it!?”
 
Newb: “I totally forgot about Losien…”
 
Losien: “Why is an arm flying towards me? Why is there a pug trying to bite me!? BLUB BLUB BLUB!”

The newly reincarnated pug discovers something.

CopyKAT Thought: I've just discovered something!

This something being the fact that he doesn't yet have the knack of swimming in his new body.

CopyKAT Thought: I haven't figured out how to swim in this new body yet!

I did just say that, you don't have to repeat it. It's my job to be the Narrator, not yours!

CopyKAT Thought: And on top of it all, I'm hearing voices! Think, CopyKAT, think. I'll grab this woman's shirt collar to hold on - I just hope she can swim!

Losien: "Blub, blub, blub!"

CHOMP!

Losien: "BLUB BLUB?!" [Why is a pug chewing on my shirt?!]

Wai: "Congratulations, Newb, the pug is no longer ineffectually biting Char's arm but instead savaging Losien's throat. Well done."

Char: "No, it looks like it's just holding onto her shirt collar."

Iriana: "But it's using its sharp, pointy teeth!"

Newb: "Not like it can hold on with its paws!"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Don't worry! I'll save them! I'll grab the other end of the hook!"

The half-genie dives off the edge of the boat, swimming rapidly, and soon grabs the other end of the hook.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "BLUB BLUB! BLUB!" [I've got it! Now if you guys can pull me back up- oh.]

Newb: "I'm okay with this."

Iriana: "Wait, Wai, how did you get out of the maze? I thought you were lost in it."

Wai: "I just wandered out. It's what I do."

Losien: "Blub blub blub!"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Blub blub blub!"

CopyKAT Thought: Blub blub blub! Wait, why am I thinking in blubs?

Iriana: "Just stay calm everyone! I have the perfect thing for that!"

Iriana rummages in her purse, and pulls out some packets of tea, then expertly throws them. In a feat of luck and skill, Losien and Aladdyn each catch one.

Newb: "Great throws, Iriana! But how will those tea packets save them?"

Iriana: "Huh? Oh, no, I didn't mean that. It'll just help them to stay calm! I can give you some if you want too!"

Wai: "Oh, yes, please!"

Newb: "You can't even drink tea!"

Char: "Don't mind if I do."

Newb: "...….."

Losien was brave. Losien was attractive. Losien was hard-working. Losien was intelligent. Losien was team leader. Losien was not, however, much of a swimmer.
 
And neither are little pugs in the middle of an ocean storm.

The copy-cat Losien flailed and splashed like a pug at bath time, and howled and yelped like one too. Under the waves it went.
 
Losien: “I’m having an existential crisis here. Do I save… myself?”
 
Aladdyn: “What about me!?”
 
Losien: “You have the hook! Hook it to something and I’ll come back for you!”
 
She dove under the water. Aladdyn looked at the hook. Then attached it to his trousers.
 
Aladdyn: “I am a true genius.”
 
Losien doggy-paddled after, well, the doggy who couldn’t paddle. CopyKAT Losien was posing like a starfish and slowly twirling in a circle like a synchronised swimmer performing in the Olympics. The toddler Olympics at least.
 
Losien squirmed and waggled in her mimic’s direction. She had watched a video of Bobby Freeman doing The Swim, she knew how to do this! The complex instructions of The Swim were surely educational!
 
She reached out and finally managed to snag the ankle of CopyKAT. Losien was then dragged along in the circular motion with the clone.
 
Losien: “Blub blub…” [Getting dizzy…]
 
Something then accosted the two Losiens and the two were caught in writhing combat with the unknown assailant. Losien managed to wrestle herself free of the villain and got a good look at what it was. White pantaloons with a hook on them.
 
Losien: “Blub blub blub…” [Don’t look up. Don’t look up.]
 
Down here, under the sea…
 
Although, if you were actually under the sea then you’d be inside the Earth. Being in the sea doesn’t mean you’re under the sea, does it? It makes no sense!
 
Losien: “BLUB! BLUB!”
 
You can’t tell the Narrator to shut up, then there’d be no story.
 
Anyway.
 
A fish went by.
 
Losien: “Blub… blub…”
 
I know a fish isn’t interesting! Give me a moment!
 
CopyKAT, upon seeing the deft fish able to swim freely in this aquatic zone—
 
Losien: “Blub.”
 
And you call yourself a Nintendo fan. No Sonic the Hedgehog references!
 
Losien: “Blub blub?”
 
Losien’s doppelgänger had vamoosed, but there was now a second fish. It wiggled gleefully with its newfound swimming ability.
 
And then swam off.
 
Leaving Losien to drown.
 
Losien: “BLUB BLUB BLUB BLUB!!!”

Iriana: "It's time for one of my special blends."

She very calmly and daintily sips some tea, then carefully sets her teacup down. She rolls up her sleeves in an attempt to look like a gritty hero, then dives into the ocean. She was going for a graceful swan dive, but it's closer to a cannonball.

Newb: "Iriana, what the hell? You'll get yourself killed!"

On the contrary, Iriana is astonishingly possessed of great strength and speed now, She hooks an arm through the loop of Aladdyn's chain (one end held by him, the other end hooked into his pantaloons), and snags Losien's collar with her other hand. Seeing a pretty fish she wants to take as a pet, she gently but firmly holds its tail between two fingers.

Then she swims back to the ship, where Honeybee has helpfully let down a rope ladder to let her climb up, bearing her rescuees.

Char: "Miss Iriana, that was spectacular."

Newb: "What the hell is in that tea?"

Iriana: "Unfortunately I'm all out of that blend now. Fortunately I have some herbal blends that will help Losien and Aladdyn recover from impending hypothermic shock!"

Wai: "Why are you holding a fish?"

The fish that is CopyKAT is wriggling furiously, as though trying to swim through the air.

Iriana: "It's pretty, so I'm adopting it as a pet! Is there a fishbowl around here?"

CopyKAT Thought: Gasp, can't breathe all of a sudden, gasp. Oh wait, I can shapeshift.

The fish transforms into a pug. The sudden weight causes Iriana to pitch over, landing on top of the pug who lands solidly on the deck.

Iriana: "Ow."

CopyKAT Thought: Ow.

CopyKat: "Woof!"

Honeybee: "Ow! My deck is very sensitive after all those Legos, you know, be more careful!"