Forums for The Plothole

As the NeS ‘Heroes’ chased after Totally Formerly Evil, the teacher abruptly woke up and blinked at the destruction around him. He turned to see the television had gone to static and that there were no students in the room.
 
Detention Teacher: “That’ll learn ‘em.”
 

---

 
The group burst onto a theatre stage and collide with two student-actors, toppling everyone over. From the tiny audience, there came a barking voice;
 
Drama Teacher: “Stop! Stop! The demon dancers aren’t due until the next act! Didn’t you read the script!?”
 
The heroes clumsily got to their feet, accidentally knocking over one of the actors again.
 
Drama Teacher: “Fine. Whatever. Do your scene now. Remember, you’re evil demons, but you need to have a certain grace as you dance.”
 
About ten minutes later, the NeS Heroes were frog-marched back into the detention room and forced to sit down by the drama teacher.
 
Drama Teacher: “These students need a detention for masquerading as my demon dancers!”
 
The detention teacher looked over them all, in their demon costumes.
 
Detention Teacher: “Are you sure—”
 
Drama Teacher: “Either they’re fakers or they’re about to flunk out of university for waddling about like drunk ducks.”
 
He glared at them.
 
Losien: “We… yeah, we’re from the hero course.”
 
Drama Teacher: “Bloody hero students, always think they can just swan about and swashbuckle their way across a theatre stage…”
 
He continued scuttling as he casually walked through the gaping hole in the wall.
 
Detention Teacher: “If you’re from the heroics department, why do you look so evil?”
 
With a sharp pop of reality, the heroes suddenly returned to their normal selves.
 
Detention Teacher: “Okay, now you look like a bunch of layabouts.”
 
Newb: “Let me just check we are back to normal.”
 
She grabbed Aladdyn and threw him through the tiny window.
 
Newb: “Yep, back to normal.”
 
The television warbled and burped before Captain America appeared again;
 

NeS Heroes: “NOOOooooooo!”
 
Suddenly, another teacher appeared – again, casually walking through the hole in the wall – who was wearing a weird set of gym clothes. He was oversized, broad shouldered and each muscle was as big as a student’s head.
 
Combat Tutor: “YOU!!! YOU ARE ALL LATE FOR COMBAT CLASS!!!!!!!!!!”
 
The heroes had to get up off the floor after being blasted over by the bellowing voice, which sounded suspiciously like Arnold Schwarzenegger. He grabbed the closest student, which happened to be Losien, and threw her through the hole in the wall. A distant clanging of dustbins could be heard.
 
Newb: “If you throw me, I’ll bite your dog damn arms off—ARGH!”
 
He threw Newb after Losien. A pause, then a distant ‘ow, fuck’ could be heard. He then proceeded to throw each student out the hole, including, lastly, Aladdyn, who had just managed to climb back into the room after being thrown out the window.
 
Aladdyn: “You don’t look like Newb—WAAAAAH!”
 

---

 
On the combat field, where the heroes had landed, one-by-one, they see an assortment of weapons, tools and devices. Newb’s eyes lit up, forgetting how she was going to murder the teacher, and started grabbing things with some glee.
 
Newb: “Oooooh-ho-ho! Look at this! What is it? A mini-nuke!? Sweet!”
 
Over their heads, Aladdyn went screaming by with a loud woosh of the sound barrier breaking.
 
Bokken Monkey: “At least it wasn’t me for once! Ha ha!”
 
He leant on the device next to him, then saw the face of Newb.
 
Bokken Monkey: “I leant on the mini-nuke, didn’t I?”
 
Newb: “I’m going to haunt the shit out of you.”
 
BOOM!
 
Somewhere in the distance, Aladdyn finally crashed.
 
Aladdyn: “I saw plaid!”
 
Then the shockwave of the mini-nuke knocked him over again.

Aladdyn flies backwards ass-over-teakettle. He sees the ground from far away, but rapidly becoming closer. Below, he sees the drama class again, this time rehearsing in an outdoor amphitheater.

Drama Teacher: "Yes! More! Just like that! Such passion! Such grace! You'll be the greatest star I've ever taught!"

She is fawning over Geoffrey, who currently has a little pirate hat and eyepatch on him.

Geoffrey the Ninja Pirate-Acting Zombie Teapot: "Tea? Tea!" 

The drama teacher gasps and clutches her chest.

Drama Teacher: "Be still, my heart!"

The other students are also admiring Geoffrey's monosyllabic utterings. The women are fanning themselves, while the men are taking notes.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "You're doing great, friendo!"

He gives a thumbs up, just in time to land on stage directly in front of Geoffrey.

Drama Teacher: "Infidel! Heathen! Stealing screen time from the greatest star this university has ever produced!"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Sorry, friendo! My corpus was overtaken by the radius of an inconveniently timed explosive event and subsequently launched in the same random vicinity as a fart in one's general direction!"

Elsewhere, Newb and the other heroes are lying dead. Suddenly, they pop back to life, gasping in utter shock, enough to raise the dead.

Newb: "I feel like Aladdyn just said something crazy over my grave."

Bokken: "At least you got a grave. I'm too unlucky to be buried."

Iriana: "None of us were buried! Thank goodness! Can you imagine? My dress would never survive!"

Losien: "The craziest thing Aladdyn could ever say is, I dunno, talking smart with big words or something."

Newb: "But that's crazy."

Maeve: "Exactly."

Totally Evil: "He has a flair for costuming and acting. Perhaps he subconsciously takes on the role of an intelligent person when necessary, or merely randomly."

Everyone jumps.

Maeve: "What are you still doing here?"

Totally Evil: "I sort of got caught up with you guys in this whole farce. But it's fiiiiiiine! All the better to prank my nemeses! You should be thanking me, by the way. If I hadn't swapped that nuke with a glitter pinata, you'd all really be dead."

Newb: "I'm afraid to ask, but where is the actual mini-nuke?"

Totally Evil: "Dunno. I tossed it into this random chest to get it out of the way. Not sure where it is now."

Off to the side, Aladdyn's Luggage lets out a distinctive burp.

The group turn around to look at the university and cringe. Every wall, window, door, tree, plant, bench and random students that happened to be outside, were all coated in a heavy layer of sparkling, multicoloured glitter. Iriana clapped with glee at the sight, everyone else is trying to think of ways of escaping inevitable punishment.
 
Detention Teacher: “You lot again.”
 
The group, sans Geoffrey and Aladdyn, were back in the detention room. Somehow, the nuclear-glitter-bomb had managed to blow up within the halls of the school too, so they are all now sat at glittery desks and kicking clumps of glitter from their shoes. The teacher smeared the old television free-ish of glitter.
 

NeS Heroes: “Nooooooooo!”

Newb: "How many of these damn things did this guy record!!?"
 

---

 
Random Acting Agent: “Kid, I’m gonna make you a star!”
 
He wrapped his arm around the teapot.
 
Geoffrey: “Tea?”
 
Random Acting Agent: “A star of Hollywood, not one of them things in the sky. I love a bimbo actor, means easy contracts.”
 
Geoffrey: “Teeeeeea…” 
 
Aladdyn appeared before them, wearing an oversized suit and tie with an obviously-empty briefcase.
 
Aladdyn: “That’s my client you’re tryna hussle in on, sonny.”
 
Random Acting Agent: “You snooze you lose, pal. Make way for the hottest ticket in town, folks!”

The agent grabbed the teapot and started to shoulder barge his way through the crowds.

Drama Teacher: "He's making off with my headline act!!"

Geoffrey: "TEEEEA!!!" 

Aladdyn, who was suddenly wearing an eighties cop outfit, complete with shades and bushy moustache, started giving chase.

Aladdyn: "Stop resisting!"

Unfortunately for Aladdyn, this isn't an eighties cop show and given the current climate, the words 'stop resisting' cause the students to instinctively start protesting - by bashing Aladdyn with protest placards.

Random Acting Agent: "Aha! You'll never catch me copper!!!"

Aladdyn is not getting beaten black and blue.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Oooowwwwww, stahp!"

Mostly because he's already blue.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Seriously, stop! What are you, a bunch of Newb clones?"

The beatings will continue until morale improves!

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "I'm not actually a cop, you know! I'm just acting!"

He takes off his costume. Half the drama class faints. Aladdyn blinks, then looks down.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Oh right. Oops."

He quickly puts his normal attire back on.

Drama Teacher: "Forget him! We need to save Geoffrey!"

Everyone charges after the sleazy agent, who has disappeared around a corner. But when they get there, they see Geoffrey standing next to the crumpled agent, who has a sticky note on his body.

A sticky note with the Black Spot.

Drama Teacher: "Amazing! Your method acting is so genuine, you pulled an actual pirate move to escape!"

Half the drama class - the ones who hadn't fainted earlier - swoon.

Geoffrey the Ninja Pirate-Acting Zombie Teapot: "Teeeeaaa?!" 

Drama Teacher: "You don't have to be so modest! Teach us your methods of method acting! Lead us as pirate captain! Arrrr!"

Everyone rapidly equips pirate costumes of their own. Geoffrey clearly thinks for a long moment. Then--

Geoffrey the Ninja Pirate Zombie Teapot: "TEA!!!!!" 

Drama Teacher: "Aye aye, cap'n! Off to find the secret location of the black pearl!"

Drama Student #1: "Isn't the Black Pearl a ship, not an actual pearl?"

The drama teacher bops him with a spare protest placard.

Drama Teacher: "Quiet, you! We're not plagiarizing anything. It's an actual pearl, and is a legally distinct entity!"

Elsewhere, in the detention room.

Losien: "Finally!"

Maeve: "I thought that video would never end!"

Iriana: "Aww, it's over."

Everyone looks at her askance.

Iriana: "I mean, thank goodness that's over with!"

She clears her throat and awkwardly looks away.

Newb: "You just want more fuel for your fanfiction, don't you?"

Iriana: "Er, well--"

Detention Teacher: "Lucky for you then, we have more videos for you!"

Bokken Monkey: "Wait, what? But we already finished the relevant one!"

Detention Teacher: "I'm taking preemptive action. I'm onto you twerps now. We're gonna watch every single one of Captain Australia's videos!"

Iriana: "Yes!"

Everyone Else: "Noooooooo!"

Detention Teacher: "One more Darth Vader impression, and we'll watch them all twice!"

Elsewhere, a costumed man sits behind a desk, reading from a script with dead eyes. He's lost count of how long he's been in this place. It could be days. It could be years. But here he sits. Still trapped.

Not by civic duty. Not by expectations. No. By something far worse.

Contract stipulations.

Director: "Cut! That's a wrap!"

The man behind the desk slumps.

Captain Australia: "Aren't we done yet?"

Director: "Nope!"

Captain Australia: "But these videos are so inane and far-fetched! Who would ever chase down a legally distinct black pearl?!"

Director: "You said the same thing about the glitter-nuke video six months ago, and that video just saw use today!"

Aladdyn stands in the middle of a lawn by himself as he watches drama students – and a teacher – hurrying off with Iriana’s spooky teapot. He scratches his head as he wonders if he should call the real cops to report the theft of a teapot, but even Aladdyn knew they’d never go for it. He scratched his belly, remembering he hadn’t eaten in a while. Finally he scratched his butt;
 
Aladdyn: “Ouch! Why did they have to kick my ass so hard?”
 
Then, he’d forgotten why he was even alone on the lawn, turned and remembered he’s meant to be studying to get his Hero Licence.
 
Aladdyn: “I need… what? Extra credit! That should speed up my graduation!”
 
He rushed inside, went directly to the library – waltzing right past the rest of his group, who were all asleep at their detention desks and didn’t see him through the gaping hole in the wall – where he started looking for courses that would give him extra credit. The librarian behind the desk was a snooty-looking old woman with a horrible sneer as she watched him.
 
Librarian: “I doubt you’ll find anything of use to your kind in there.”
 
Aladdyn: “My what?”
 
Librarian: "Sorry, I don’t know what the politically correct term is these days. Your people? Magic-Oriented-Americans? These courses require a certain… kind of upbringing that I’m sure you lack. Perhaps you should take an English course and learn our language properly?”
 
Aladdyn puffed up his chest and pointed a finger at the horrible woman.
 
Aladdyn: “A racist!!”
 
The woman quickly whipped out her mobile phone and started recording him – from the camera, there was a very aggressive looking genie shouting at a poor defenceless old woman.
 
Librarian: “ICE are already on their way!”
 
Aladdyn: “You can’t offer me a drink now, you’ve hurt my feelings.”
 
Suddenly, the door – which was unlocked – is smashed in and ICE agents barge their way into the library. Instantly, they set upon Aladdyn without even confirming there was any kind of issue to begin with.
 
ICE Agent: “You got yourself a one-way ticket over the Great American Wall, blue ass bastard!”
 
Aladdyn: “That’s mean! And racist!”
 
Suddenly, the windows of the library are smashed as the drama students outside overheard what was happening inside and jumped to the defence of Aladdyn against corrupt government agents! As the battle begins, one of the students throws something – a black sphere. Naturally, any projectile in the vicinity of Aladdyn homes in on his forehead. Groggily, he opens his eyes and sees Geoffrey the Teapot next to him, and the shiny, black pearl.
 
Geoffrey: 

Captain Australia (on TV): "And that is why you should never attempt to engage in any fashion with a black pearl, even if it is supposedly legally distinct."

Bzzt! The video cuts out as the tape ends. The sudden silence jolts our erstwhile heroes out of their stupor.

Newb: "Huh? Whazzat?"

Losien: "Is it over?"

Iriana: "Yes."

Iriana quickly covers her dejected expression and hides away her notebook in which she's been scribbling fanfiction ideas and sketches this whole time. Maybe in her umbrella? That would have plenty of space for all the tea she carries around, wouldn't it?

Bokken Monkey: "FINALLY! My luck's never been this bad before. You lot bring the worst out in  me."

Maeve: "They get told that a lot, actually."

Losien: "Hey! How would you know? You haven't been a member of the team for years!"

Maeve: "Can you look me in the eye and say people don't still tell you that a lot?"

Losien makes shifty eyes but can't meet Maeve's gaze.

Losien: ". . . No."

Newb: "Say, where's Aladdyn?"

Iriana: "Oh no! Are you feeling okay, Newb? I thought your ridiculous prank-induced crush on him was out of your system!"

Newb: "Trust me, it is. But I find the lack of idiocy jarring. I've gotten used to having a morally acceptable target on which to vent my violent urges that stem from years in a probably-evil secret agency."

Before the story can veer into a serious character moment based on a shady background, Iriana happens to glance out the gaping hole in the wall.

Iriana: "What's going on out there? Is that Geoffrey?!"

Geoffrey the Ninja Pirate Zombie Teapot: "TTTTTEEEAAAAA!" 

Newb: "And Aladdyn?"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "No, I don't want any frozen water cubes, why do you keep insisting?! Most aggressive salespeople I've ever met . . ."

Somewhere from the chaotic melee, a little black marble rolls out towards them, through the gap in the wall, and into the detention teacher's desk.

Losien: "And a legally distinct black pearl?"

The detention teacher stiffens. She stands up and barks at the crowd of drama students, ICE agents, and everyone else who might've gotten caught in the crossfire. Figurative crossfire I mean. Although you never know, someone might've been packing heat.

Detention Teacher: "YOU LOT! IN HERE! DETENTION! DETENTION FOR USING A LEGALLY DISTINCT BLACK PEARL! DETENTION FOR ALL OF YOU!"

Her bellow cows everyone, drama student and ICE agent alike. Even the racist librarian shuffles in. Somehow there are enough desks for everyone.

Detention Teacher: "Time to play this video again!"

Iriana: "Yes!"

Her fellow teammates groan. The detention teacher looks at them sharply.

Detention Teacher: "Why are you lot still here? You've already seen this video. You've already seen all the videos. Get out of my sight, I'm tired of you."

She hasn't even finished speaking before the heroes are replaced with cartoonish puffs of dust, helpfully put in place by the drama students in order to represent how speedily said heroes exited the room.

Outside, our heroes breathe a collective sigh of relief.

Geoffrey the Ninja Pirate Zombie Teapot: "Teeeaaa." 

Iriana: "You wanted the legally distinct black pearl?"

Geoffrey the Ninja Pirate Zombie Teapot: "Tea! Tea, tea!" 

Iriana: "I can understand being miffed over it, but you barely got out of that detention unnoticed."

Geoffrey the Ninja Pirate Zombie Teapot: "Tea!!!!" 

Iriana: "Well I don't expect you to forget it, but choosing your battles is important. You can always escape detention to fight another day."

Geoffrey the Ninja Pirate Zombie Teapot: "Tea, tea, tea." 

Random Linguistics Professor: "Amazing! This new language and verbal interplay will be the thesis for my next doctorate! Have some extra credit, you blokes!"

A ding sounds above all our heroes' heads - and Geoffrey - as they get extra credit.

Bokken Monkey: "I thought we were done with the life is a video game bit."

Maeve: "Callbacks are forever."

Bokken Monkey: "It's a callback to barely a few posts ago. Too soon to be appropriate."

Maeve: "Like that ever stopped us."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Hey, has anyone seen my missing stuff? I've lost my marbles."

Newb laughs uproariously.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "It's my collection of black marbles specifically. In that scuffle back there I dropped them, and someone confused them for this. I don't want it, I'd rather have my black marbles back."

He holds up the legally distinct black pearl.

Losien facepalms.

Geoffrey the Ninja Pirate Zombie Teapot tackles him for the legally distinct black pearl.

Bokken Monkey: "I have no idea how to describe what I just saw. How does a bloody teapot tackle anyone?"

Bokken Monkey: “Geoffrey from the top rope with a Swanton Bomb! Oh my god, Aladdyn got the knees up and Geoffrey took it to the face!”
 
Losien, who is accompanying Bokken Monkey on commentary at ring side, leans forward on the desk.
 
Losien: “The real question is, does a teapot have a face?”
 
Bokken Monkey: “How much punishment can one teapot take!? Aladdyn goes for the suplex! Holy hell, this isn’t a man, he’s a beast!”
 
Losien: “He’s a genie, actually. Half anyway.”
 
Bokken Monkey: “I have never seen anything like this in my history as commentator!”
 
Losien: “A history of one whole minute.”
 
Bokken Monkey: “Geoffrey now, with the tombstone!”
 
Losien: “Who needs physics? Or biology? Or arms? Legs? Head even?”
 
Iriana: “We want tables! We want tables!”
 
Bokken Monkey: “A truly elated audience here at the stadium today!”
 
Losien: “Audience of three, two of which aren’t even paying attention. No wait, a passing squirrel is watching now.”
 
Bokken Monkey: “Wait, what’s this? Entrance music! We’re getting interference!”
 
Losien: “It’s the squirrel.”
 
Bokken Monkey: “It’s an RKO from the squirrel on Aladdyn! And down he goes! Geoffrey goes for the pin!”
 
Iriana: “Geoffrey! Geoffrey! Geoffrey!”
 
Bokken Monkey: “A kick out at two! How does this man do it!?”
 
Losien: “I doubt a teapot is very heavy…”
 
Bokken Monkey: “Oh no! It’s a low blow from Aladdyn on the squirrel! That man is a menace!”
 
Losien: “That poor squirrel’s nuts.”
 
Bokken Monkey: “And now a low blow on Geoffrey! Aladdyn, you monster!”
 
Losien: “I hope the teapot doesn’t have nuts…”

Bokken Monkey: "Oh the humanity!"

Losien: "None of those involved are human."

Bokken Monkey: "Oh the inhumanity!"

Losien: "Oh, Geoffrey finally remembered he has ninja training."

Bokken Monkey: "The repeated blows to the head must have delayed that memory!"

Losien: "More like dramatic timing. Or whatever facsimile of it this story pretends to have."

Bokken Monkey: "And Geoffrey pinched a pressure point on that squirrel!"

Losien: "Wish someone would pinch me unconscious too. I could use a nap."

Bokken Monkey: "Aladdyn takes advantage of his distraction and comes in with the steel chair!"

Losien: "Not much of a surprise attack with a commentator warning him."

Bokken Monkey: "But with his super ninja reflexes--"

Losien: "More like the split-second warning you gave him."

Bokken Monkey: "--Geoffrey dodges and puts Aladdyn in a chokehold!"

Geoffrey the Ninja Pirate Zombie Teapot: "TEA!" 

Iriana: "You're so smart, Geoffrey!"

Bokken Monkey: "And Geoffrey delivers a devastating ultimatum! A line that will go down in history!"

Losien: "No, he didn't."

Bokken Monkey: "Shush! You'll ruin my groove. Wait a minute - you know what he said?"

Losien: "Of course. Don't you?"

Bokken Monkey: "..."

Bokken looks defeated.

Bokken Monkey: "Fine, what did he say?"

Losien: "That he wishes for the legally distinct black pearl. Nice reference to Aladdyn's half-genie nature."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Of course, friendo! Here you go! I didn't want it anyway, remember?"

Geoffrey the Ninja Pirate Zombie Teapot: "Tea?"  "Tea!" 

Losien: "Great, now with that over with, we can--"

Bokken Monkey: "And with his opponent distracted, Aladdyn smacks Geoffrey out of the ring with the steel chair! A fiendishly clever stratagem! Is this man half-genie or half-demon?"

Losien: "I'm half-so-done-with-this."

Losien: “Why does the teapot want this black pearl so much anyway?”
 
Iriana held her finger up and was about to speak – with all the mannerisms that telegraphed the word ‘actually’ – before Losien put her own hand up to stall the demure princess.
 
Losien: “If you are about to say ‘legally distinct black pearl’, I may have to hit you.”
 
Iriana considered. Then lowered her objection finger.
 
Bokken Monkey: “I thought it was a throwaway gag, but it seems to keep getting brought back into the Narrative, so—”
 
He is interrupted by some cackling that would make the Wicked Witch of the West swell with pride.
 
Random Bully Girl: “Like, O.M.G., did you, like, just, like, hear that, like, guy? Narrative?”
 
Random Bully Boy: “I don’t even know what that word means.”
 
The guy mugged for the audience as though he just said something very meaningful and heroic.
 
Random Bully Girl: “Like, it totally, like, means he thinks he’s in some kind of, like, story. Like, one of those, like, weirdo story heroes.”
 
Random Bully Boy: “What a loser. Get with the times. Superheroes is where it’s at now. Who wants some kind of Neverending Story boy and his fuzzy dragon dog?”
 
Aladdyn looked from each of his team mates, then leant sideways to Losien;
 
Aladdyn: “Which of us is the fuzzy dragon dog?”
 
Newb: “Probably what Bokken calls his dick.”
 
Maeve: “ZING!”
 
Bokken Monkey: “I’m already being bullied by these two superheroes, without being bullied by you two too.”
 
Newb: “Don’t worry your little cotton socks, Bokken. I’ll protect you.”
 
Random Bully Boy: “You? You and what army?”
 
His cohort winces at the infamously poorly timed line that will surely result in something very bad happening next – a fact any superhero worth even a pinch of salt would know.
 
Newb, who suddenly had her red bandana on her head, raised a mini-gun up, from seemingly nowhere.
 
Newb: “Dude. I am a one woman army.”
 
Unfortunately for superheroes, they have never quite reached the level of absurd badassery that action heroes have. Thus, bullets fly, and superheroes die. In the chaos, bullets stream towards the unwitting Geoffrey.
 
Geoffrey: “Tea?”
 
Newb’s mini-gun cooldown is too slow to stop the bullets, however, and slow motion ensues; all the dozens of speeding bullets fly around the ninja-skills teapot, some chinking his porcelain hide, but then on bullet smashes straight through the black pearl. Even as Geoffrey survives, from the shattered black pearl starts to rise an ominous dark wind.
 
Maeve glanced about.
 
Maeve: “Don’t make me do the obvious fart joke, someone else do it.”

As the dark wind begins to coalesce into a humanoid form, Aladdyn brightens.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Oh hey, it's Great-Great-Great-Grandpa!"

Our heroes pause.

Losien: "Your grandpa?"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "No!"

Bokken Monkey: "But you just said--"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "He's my great-great-great--"

Newb: "Is he a threat?"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Only if you hate boisterous, fun-loving punsters with a penchant for fart jokes--"

Maeve: "I'm on the fence then."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "--who gives out free wishes to people who make him laugh!"

Maeve: "I love him!"

Geoffrey the Ninja Pirate Zombie Teapot: "Tea!" 

Our heroes eagerly start discussing what they want to wish for, and ways to make this old genie laugh, as the dark wind continues to coalesce. Then Aladdyn frowns.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Oh wait. That's not Great-Great-Great-Grandpa."

Iriana: "Awwwww."

Newb: "I knew it was too good to be true."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "That's Great-Great-Great-Uncle Virtuegood, his twin brother!"

Losien: "And?"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "And what?"

Losien: "Does he give out free wishes?"

Newb: "Is he a threat?"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Yes! No! I mean, no! And yes!"

Losien facepalms. Newb looks like she wants to strangle him, but to be fair, that's her usual expression.

The dark wind finishes coalescing into a genie, who has dark gray skin that's almost black, and wears a black vest and pantaloons.

Great-Great-Great-Uncle Virtuegood: "Finally! A thousand years in there was a bit too much for my old bones!"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "You were in there a thousand years? Did you time travel or something? You've been in and out of lamps since the '70s, I thought."

Bokken Monkey: "That seems like a short time for an ancient genie."

Great-Great-Great-Uncle Virtuegood: "Really? It's true that the 1470s seem like just yesterday to me, but I thought you mortal folk considered that a long time. Hey wait! Aladdyn! Damn it, always giving away my scams with your stupidity."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Haha! That's the grumpy old Great-Great-Great-Uncle Virtuegood I know! How'd you wind up in that pearl?"

Great-Great-Great-Uncle Virtuegood: "After my last arrest and sentencing, I asked for something different. So they shoved me in an oyster instead of a lamp. The rest is history. But it was fun to be able to constantly irritate something that whole time!"

Losien: "Is this where Aladdyn gets his annoyingness from?"

Great-Great-Great-Uncle Virtuegood: "No, he gets that from my twin sister, Great-Great-Great-Aunt--"

Maeve: "I thought you had a twin brother, not a twin sister."

Great-Great-Great-Uncle Virtuegood: "I've got both!"

The heroes, sans Aladdyn, look at him askance.

Losien: "Did they not have a word for 'triplets' back then?"

Great-Great-Great-Uncle Virtuegood: "Oh great, a jokester, just like my twin brother. Of course we had a word for 'triplets' back then!"

Iriana: "Then how--"

Great-Great-Great-Uncle Virtuegood: "We're half-siblings, not full siblings."

This confuses the heroes even more. Except Aladdyn. Not because he knows the answer, but because he's too dumb to realize the logical problem involved.

Maeve: "You know what, I don't care enough to ask. Next question! Why do you have such a stupid name--"

Losien elbows her sharply.

Maeve: "--such an awesome name?"

Great-Great-Great-Uncle Virtuegood: "Really? You think it's awesome?"

Maeve: "Uh, yeah! Of course!"

Great-Great-Great-Uncle Virtuegood: "I hate you."

Maeve: "Shwa?"

Great-Great-Great-Uncle Virtuegood: "It's people like you who named me!"

Newb: "Drunks? Lesbians? Narcoleptics? Queens of England?"

Great-Great-Great-Uncle Virtuegood: "Well, he was a famous narcoleptic, and got pretty drunk sometimes. He loved women for sure, but I don't think he had the right equipment to be a lesbian. Not that I ever checked, mind you! I respect boundaries. Also, I don't think England existed back then. Although I heard there was once an oracle who foretold England's coming then tried to stake a claim on the throne herself preemptively."

BokkenMonkey: "Now I'm curious who this guy was, and why he named you."

Great-Great-Great-Uncle Virtuegood: "Some immortal, time-traveling idiot. Name was . . . Twit? Git? S'wit? I don't know, can't be arsed to remember. They called him a legend though. Anyway, he told my mother that, in the future, sin and bad would mean different things, so my mother asked him for words that meant good things instead, and thus I was christened Virtuegood."

Newb: "Well, you definitely have my sympathies."

Great-Great-Great-Uncle Virtuegood: "Aw, nice of you to say! I think I'll kill you last."

Losien: "Wait, what?"

Newb draws an impressive arsenal of weapons in a flash.

Newb: "I dare you to try."

Maeve: "Just what crimes were you always committing to be in and out of lamps, and oysters, anyway?"

Great-Great-Great-Uncle Virtuegood: "Granting wishes as monkey's paws, granting more or fewer than three wishes, murdering my summoners, telling eighteen riddles before morning tea on Tuesdays, refusing to laugh at my twin brother's stupid fart jokes--"

Maeve: "Oi! Fart jokes are funny!"

Great-Great-Great-Uncle Virtuegood: "Yeah, you, I'll kill first. Not Aladdyn though. I hate him, but he's family. Also not that ninja zombie teapot either."

Iriana: "Oh, thank goodness! You aren't totally evil after all!"

BokkenMonkey: "You won't kill Geoffrey because he's already dead, is that it?"

Great-Great-Great-Uncle Virtuegood: "Nah, it's because he's cool."

Geoffrey the Ninja Zombie Pirate Teapot: "Tea, tea tea." 

Great-Great-Great-Uncle Virtuegood: "Now as for the rest of you."

Our heroes square off against the menacing genie! Then Virtuegood snaps his fingers.

Great-Great-Great-Uncle Virtuegood: "Oh yeah! I was also frequently arrested for double-parking."

Maeve: “Sooooo… is this the part where we run away?”
 
Losien: “I don’t have any better ideas, so yes.”
 
The heroes (a term we use very lightly around here) proceeded to flee the library. Before Virtuegood could give chase, he was suddenly accosted by an ICE agent.
 
ICE Agent: “Hey, you have dark skin!”
 
Virtuegood: “What of it?”
 
ICE Agent: “Papers! Immigration documents! Now!”
 
Virtuegood frowned, not because he was insulted or angry; he was just very perplexed. He had no idea what this random person was talking about, nor why his ethnicity, or his cultural heritage, was any of his fucking business.
 
ICE Agent: “Grab him! Send him back to Mexico!”
 
Virtuegood: “Mexico? I’ve never even—argh!”
 
The ICE agents leapt upon the genie and slam him to the floor.
 
ICE Agent: “Stop resisting!”
 
In fact, he wasn’t resisting as his confused stupor had him slow to react. However, the punch to the back of the head brought his mind back to the immediate problem at hand. A snarl crept to the ancient genie’s lips.
 
Virtuegood: “I’ll show you resistance, mortal.”
 

---

 
The NeS Heroes were all the way outside of the college before they finally slowed down.
 
Losien: “Weird, we usually get chased. And there’s often a Scooby-Doo corridor gag.”
 
Maeve: “I think I heard ICE after him.”
 
Half of the building suddenly imploded, sucked inwards like a blackhole.
 
Newb: “I can’t say I feel bad about this.”
 
Aladdyn: “Yeah.”
 
Newb: “ICE kind of had it coming.”
 
Aladdyn: “That mean librarian.”
 
They turned away from the college, job done.
 
Losien: “Well, what’s next on our class schedule? Maths: The Importance of Knowing How Many Baddies to Kick in the Nuts.”
 
Newb: “Looking forward to it!”
 
Virtuegood: “Ahem.”
 
They freeze.
 
Losien: “I think he’s behind us. Don’t turn around!”
 
Maeve: “I don’t think he’s going to go away just because we pretend he’s not there.”

Virtuegood: "Oh no! Pretending I'm not here! My one weakness!"

Losien: "What, really?!"

Virtuegood: "Ha! By addressing me, you've stopped pretending, and thus I can unleash my full power!"

Newb: "Damn it, Los! It's Aladdyn's job to be dumb!"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Yeah, Losien, don't cut me out of a job!"

Maeve: "Quick, everybody pretend he isn't here!"

Bokken Monkey: "Pretend who isn't here?"

Maeve: "Exactly."

A few tense moments. Then Virtuegood starts tapping his foot.

Virtuegood: "You know I was joking about that being my one weakness, right? They just don't make heroes like they used to. Why, back in my day . . ."

Losien: "He's still a genie, right? So we should get wishes!"

Maeve: "The black pearl broke, remember?"

Losien: "The legally distinct black pearl."

Maeve: "Don't make me backhand you."

Newb: "Aladdyn gives wishes if you grab him, so maybe we can grab this geezer?"

They all looked at the towering, obsidian muscle-mountain.

Losien: "Feel free to grab him, Newb."

Newb: "Hey, you wanted to try to get wishes from him, not me."

Aladdyn: "I'm not sure this is such a good idea..."

Bokken Monkey: "You know what? I'll do it. What's the worst that could happen?"

Everyone stared at him.

Bokken Monkey: "My bad luck means the worst would happen anyway, so what's the worst that could happen is what's going to happen anyway. May as well give it a shot!"

Losien rubbed her chin in thought.

Losien: "The logic loop is so asinine, in NeS terms it's genius. Try it!"

Virtuegood: "Don't you touch me with your grubby little- oi! Hey! Get off me! Don't grab me there! Ack! That tickles! Pack it in!"

Bokken Monkey: "I wish that you won't hurt us!"

Newb: "Be more specific, dumbass, or he'll get us with some loop hole!"

Bokken Monkey: "I wish that you, Virtuegood, will not hurt any of the NeS Heroes, physically or mentally--"

Iriana: "Or emotionally!"

Bokken Monkey: "--or emotionally. You will not harm us now or in the future--"

Aladdyn: "Or the past!"

Bokken Monkey: "--or the past? Whatever. Or the past! Or ever! You won't harm the NeS Heroes, or their affiliates, spouses, siblings, extended family members, pets, house spiders, potted plants--"

Virtuegood: "Damn, I love killing begonias."

Bokken Monkey: "--or anything else we care about--"

Newb: "Or don't care about."

The others frowned at her, then realised Aladdyn was stood beside her.

Bokken Monkey: "--or even those we don't care about, or even hate and want to hurt ourselves, but we don't want you to do that."

He turned to the others to check there wasn't anything else they wanted to add to the laundry list, then turned back to Virtuegood expectantly.

Virtuegood: "No."

Bokken Monkey: "No?"

Virtuegood: "I definitely am not going to be granting you that wish."

Aladdyn: "He's a renowned serial anti-wisher genie. Known criminal across the seven seas."

Virtuegood seemed to increase in size and loomed over Bokken Monkey. He looked up at the grinning menace and whimpered.

Bokken Monkey: "Here comes the result of that bad luck then..."

Suddenly, sirens were heard. Above, several flying carpets burst from a tear in spacetime, and each of them was equipped with flashing red and blue lights, with a speaker blaring out the siren.

Aladdyn: "The genie police!"

Losien: "So... so stupid."

Virtuegood: "Oh crap! It's the fuzz!"

Virtuegood started to run from the police carpets.

Virtuegood: "You'll never catch me, coppers!"

Genie-Police: "Stop, in the name of genie-law!"

The heroes watched the mad genie running over the hills and dales as the flying carpets chased after him.

Maeve: "I didn't have police carpets on my bucket list of 'ridiculous crap NeS will feature' bingo card."

Totally Evil sits glumly on a glitter-covered bench, heedless of the sparkles getting on her EVUL(TM) black robes.

Totally Evil: "My nemeses . . . and they totally forgot about me."

Geoffrey the Ninja Pirate Zombie Teapot: "Tea?" 

Totally jerks in startlement.

Totally Evil: "Where the hell did you come from?!"

Geoffrey the Ninja Pirate Zombie Teapot: "Tea?" 

Totally Evil: "What do you mean, you've been here the whole time? That's tripe! You were with the heroes!"

Geoffrey the Ninja Pirate Zombie Teapot: "Tea! Tea tea, tea." 

Totally Evil: "What? You have a suspicious feeling like the universe completely forgets you exist half the time? That's ridiculous!"

Geoffrey the Ninja Pirate Zombie Teapot: ". . . Tea." 

Totally snaps her fingers.

Totally Evil: "Of course! Given the metaphysical inanity that follows my nemeses around, that means that the more ridiculous something is, the more likely it is to be true!"

Virtuegood goes running by. A slew of siren-equipped flying carpets go after him. Totally and Geoffrey aren't even fazed.

Geoffrey the Ninja Pirate Zombie Teapot: "Tea? Tea!" 

Totally Evil: "You want to team up with me? I thought you were cozy with those do-gooders!"

Geoffrey the Ninja Pirate Zombie Teapot: "Tea." 

Totally Evil: "I suppose becoming a memorable villain is a good way to make sure the universe doesn't forget you exist. And by helping each other out, we can make sure the heroes stop forgetting about me too!"

Geoffrey the Ninja Pirate Zombie Teapot: "Tea. Tea?" 

Totally Evil: "What skills do I-- I'll have you know that I possess many talents! Like magic, baking pies, and pulling pranks! I should be the one asking you! What can you do? You're just a talking teapot after all!"

Geoffrey the Ninja Pirate Zombie Teapot: "Tea. Tea. Tea." 

Totally Evil: "You're a ninja? And a zombie?! And a pirate?! Amazing!"

Geoffrey the Ninja Pirate Zombie Teapot: "Tea, tea." 

Totally Evil: "Yes, and humble too. Don't worry! As a villain, we don't care about being modest. Be as prideful as you like!"

Captain Australia bursts out of the building across from them.

Captain Australia: "I smell villainy afoot!"

Lawyers reach out and drag him back inside to keep filming videos.

Captain Australia: "No! I don't care about your stupid contract stipulations right now! I must stop the EVIL! ARGH!"

The door slams shut as he's fully pulled back in again. Totally and Geoffrey ignore the whole thing.

Geoffrey the Ninja Pirate Zombie Teapot: "Tea tea, tea, tea." 

Totally Evil: "Why do we need a third partner? Just because good things come in threes, doesn't mean bad things do!"

Geoffrey the Ninja Pirate Zombie Teapot: "Tea! Tea!" 

Totally Evil: "Oh, you just wanted an excuse to invite your friend? Fine, fine, we'll let him interview. Where is he?"

Luggage: "BBRRAAAAPP!" 

Totally Evil: "Jesus, Mary, and Josephine!"

Geoffrey the Ninja Pirate Zombie Teapot: "Tea!!!" 

Luggage: "Mmmmmrrrgghh. Bhhrrggle." 

Totally Evil: "This is turning into a team of walking, talking, anthromorphic objects. What's next, a cape named Carlotta?"

Meanwhile! Our heroes are milling about, having watched the genie police fade into the distance.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Ow! What was that for?"

Newb: "You haven't been slapped recently. I have a quota to meet."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Oh! I'm terribly sorry! If you need to fulfill a quota, slap away, friendo!"

Newb gets a vicious grin. Soon a resounding SMACK is occurred, and Aladdyn goes flying through the air, landing in a heap on the ground.

Other Heroes: 

Newb: "Relaaaax, he's fine!"

They watch the motionless Aladdyn for a minute.

Newb: "I'm sure he's fiiiiiine!"

They watch for another couple minutes.

Losien: "Newb-"

Suddenly Aladdyn juts his thumb up.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "I'm okay!"

Iriana: "You poor thing! Let me brew you some tea to help."

She pauses, then a panicked look comes over her face.

Maeve: "Whoa, calm down, sister! What's the matter?"

Iriana: "My teapot! I can't find him! Where could he be?!"

A flowerpot falls out of a dorm window to bean Bokken on the head, since he hasn't had enough bad luck lately. No one notices as he crumples in a heap next to Aladdyn, other than Aladdyn.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Taking a nap too, eh friendo?"

Bokken juts his own thumb up.

In the meantime, television sets across America are being tuned into the news stations as--

Fox News Anchorman: "Shocking scenes develop this afternoon as a major university has become the home ground for terrorism!"

The news channel switches to an aerial view of the campus, where, high on the roof, fires rage and genie-police battle Virtuegood. SWAT teams of human police have taken up positions on the perimeter of the campus, students are being asked to vacate, but most of them just shrug as though this is another Tuesday.

Fox News Presenter: "That's right, Fox News Anchorman, the shocking scenes are, indeed, shocking, and the people watching at home are, surely, shocked."

Fox News Anchorman: "I love the smell of shock in the morning."

Fox News Presenter: "What?"

Fox News Anchorman: "Nothing. This illegal immigrant--" The anchorman puts a finger to his ear as he hears someone muttering commands to him. "What do you mean he isn't an illegal immigrant? Of course he is!"

The camera zooms in on the genie.

Fox News Anchorman: "He must be an illegal he's really blac--argh!"

The anchorman is suddenly tackled by attendants, who, while of dubious moral character to be working at Fox News, at least have sense enough not to use the words they are all thinking. Unlike their anchorman.

Fox News Anchorman: "I mean he-- uh-- has an accent? Can I say that at least? I can confirm, this villain... has an accent! So he's an illegal. Obviously."

The camera takes position on the presenter, as she stands at the foot of the building with explosions going on behind her.

Fox News Presenter: "As a result of this, the students are being given free passes to their degrees!"

One group of students - that only the most dedicated of hero-worshippers would recognise as the NeS Heroes - suddenly become elated and run around with joy.

Fox News Presenter: "This is because of the psychological turmoil the students are likely experiencing as a result of the horrific scenes we're witnessing."

The group have gotten hold of a beer barrel and are chugging booze, doing cartwheels and one of the women rips her shirt off and streaks past the camera.

Fox News Anchorman: "Sounds like liberal wokeism at work in our schools once again! I remember the days when you saw a man blowing up police officers and you got on with your day! Now they cry and claim psychological trauma. They have it too easy!"

In the corner of the camera view, a teapot slowly arises, riding atop of a chest and seems to be staring into the camera.

Fox News Presenter: "Well, this university is renowned for its more... unorthodox degrees; such as Zero G Banana Peeling classes, Dog Petting 101, and Hero Licensing. So I doubt free passes would really make much of a difference to the country at large."

Fox News Anchorman: "It's the principle of it! It's socialism if ever I saw it!"

One student, who seems very blue--

Fox News Anchorman: "Another illegal!"

--dances past the camera waving a rolled up scroll - evidently the degree he was just handed. Another student, a girl in an extravagant dress, grabs the teapot, which seems to be protesting being woman-handled. Suddenly, another woman shoves herself in front of the Fox News Presenter;

Totally Evil: "They also gave out the Evil-Doer Licences, so watch out world! Totally Evil might be coming to a neighbourhood near you!"

She flicks her hair and struts off-camera, leaving the presenter looking at the camera as though a clown has just walked by.

Two figures we haven't seen in a while are among those who have been handed their new free degrees.

Crane's Corpse: "See? I told you this was a proper socialist university!"

Crane's Brother's Corpse: "Whatever. Like your stupid Zero G Banana Peeling degree is anything to be proud of."

Crane's Corpse: "You're one to talk, Mr. Dog Petting 101!"

A celebrating TotallyEvil dances past them and snags their new degrees, before torching them (the degrees) with a lighter.

Crane's Corpse and Crane's Brother's Corpse: "Dammit!"