Forums for The Plothole

Newb: “But why would thieves be breaking into a ghost prison?”
 
Mackie: “…autographs? Lots of dead famous people must be in there!”
 
Outside;
 
Aladdyn: “Equal rights for llamas!”
 
Iriana: “That’s not what we’re protesting, Aladdyn…”
 
Aladdyn: “Oh! Oops! Down with the llamas!”
 
Iriana: “Uh… that’s not it either.”
 
Aladdyn: “Sorry. I’ll try again. Put llamas in concentration camps!!”
 
Iriana: “Al!”
 
Arnold: “That got dark…”
 
Aladdyn: “Lighting for concentration camps!!!!”
 
Arnold rolled his eyes and spoke sarcastically;
 
Arnold: “Because llamas really need to see.”
 
Aladdyn: “Llamas deserve eye care too!”
 
Iriana: “I don’t think llamas need glasses, Aladdyn.”
 
Aladdyn: “Cybernetic eyes for llamas!!!”
 
Arnold: “What is even wrong with your brain, Al?”
 
Aladdyn: “Brain transplants for half-genies!!!”
 
Arnold: “Actually, I agree with that one.”
 
Aladdyn turned to Arnold with glazed eyes and for a moment Arnold feels guilty for making such a mean remark. Before he could apologise, Aladdyn spoke;
 
Aladdyn: “You really care about me! You are my truest friend, Arnold!”
 
Aladdyn embraced Arnold, who just allowed himself to be squeezed in a state of bewilderment, just thankful Mackie didn’t see this.
 
Inside;
 
Newb: “Guide me to wherever this gulag actually is, Mackie. Mackie?”
 
Mackie is staring at his the screen hacked into the security cameras.
 
Mackie: “That sonofa-!!”

Inside, the ghost gulag, the ghost of a blind llama listens to the protests. He sniffles with happiness.

Blind Llama Ghost: "Someone actually cares about me for more than just my autograph..."

Newb: “Mission Control?”
 
Silence.
 
Newb: “Yo, fuzzy nuts.”
 
Newb then hears muffled screams of terror from outside.
 
Newb: “Guess I’m storming the gulag alone! This will totally end well… I’m sure.”
 
Outside people are running for their lives as a crazed teddy bear brandishes a machete as he races across the plaza towards the “protestors”.
 
However, before Mackie could decapitate Aladdyn, a small group of people in suits suddenly barges into the group. The ginger haired man at the front displays a card reading “Environmental Protection Agency”.
 
Losien: “Does that say Walter’s Pecker?”
 
Walter Peck: “Walter Peck, wise-ass! We’re here to shut down this whole operation!”
 
Aladdyn: “No! Think of the llamas!!”
 
Walter Peck frowns at Aladdyn.
 
Walter Peck: “The ghosts. Not… llamas.”
 
Arnold: “That makes more sense…”
 
Walter Peck: “Keeping dangerous, hazardous and life-threatening things in an unregulated storage is grounds for catastrophe and is bound to endanger the public. This must be regulated by the government!”
 
Arnold: “Uh, it’s in the White House.”
 
Iriana: “And owned by the President.”
 
Walter Peck: “Uh…”
 
Losien: “But actually this could help us. Yes, you are right, Walter’s Pecker!”
 
Walter Peck: “Walter Peck!”
 
Losien: “Right. It is totally unsafe and bound to be dangerous unless regulated by you and your friends with lots of red tape. Or whatever you do. How may we assist you?”
 
Walter Peck: “Well, you clearly must work in the White House, right?”
 
Losien: “Yes! Absolutely!”
 
Aladdyn is abruptly wearing a black, secret service uniform he swiftly threw on from his costume chest.
 
Aladdyn: “You can trust us, sir.”
 
Walter Peck: “Then let’s go into the White House and- ACK!”
 
A teddy was suddenly on the group and wildly swinging a deadly weapon.

Two bored guards are slouching in the underground antechamber of the ghost gulag, ostensibly guarding the elevator that comes down from above. The elevator dings, the doors open, and Newb comes out guns blazing.

Newb: "My favorite solution to any problem. Guns. Lots of guns."

She is in fact wearing shades and a black trenchcoat now as well. She strikes a pose, but there's no one there to appreciate it, as the guards are dead and Mackie is occupied.

Newb: "That's why I joined a hero team, now I remember - so there'd be people around to appreciate my awesomeness!"

Blind Llama Ghost: "Eh, having your awesomeness appreciated is overrated. All anyone wants you for is your autograph."

Newb looks to see the blind llama ghost in a cell, who has just written an autograph for the latest black-clad super-spy infiltrator. There's a long line of black-clad super-spy infiltrators behind him in fact, all waiting for autographs, which is the only reason any of them broke in.

Newb: "Well, I'm not here for your autograph! I don't even know who you are!"

The long line of black-clad super-spy infiltrators gasp in shock.

Newb: "Wait a second. How did all you folks get past these guards?"

Black-Clad Super-Spy Infiltrator #1: "Because we're infiltrators, not Rambo wannabes."

Newb: "How dare you! I'm a Neo wannabe! Get it straight!"

Outside and above ground, the EPA folks are backing away from the crazed teddy bear.

Losien: "Mackie! Calm down!"

EPA Flunky: "Sir! What do we do?"

Walter Peck: "It's a bear, and thus part of the environment! We can't hurt it!"

Arnold: "Your mandate extends to teddy bears?"

Walter Peck: "You're right. We must kill it!"

Arnold: "No, he's my friend!"

Walter Peck: "Oh. Then we'll back off!"

Losien: "No! Come here and help us pull him off Aladdyn!"

Walter Peck: "Right then. We'll kill it!"

Iriana: "No! Not my favorite teddy bear!"

Walter Peck: "Okay then, we'll retreat."

Mackie is attempting to choke the life out of Aladdyn, but being a teddy bear means his gripping strength isn't that great. Aladdyn is doing a passable job of pretending to choke, not wanting to disappoint his teammate.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Hack! Wheeze! Cough!"

Apparently everyone is too focused on Mackie to point out that most hacking, wheezing, coughing people don't say the words describing them.

Then real Secret Service officers come on the scene. Seeing a deranged teddy bear attacking what they believe is one of them, they pounce on Mackie, pulling him off Aladdyn.

Mackie: "Unhand me!"

Arnold: "Let him go, he's my friend! Even if he is unreasonably jealous of nothing and prone to berserker rages."

Walter Peck: "We must protect the animal, men!"

The EPA flunkies swarm the Secret Service men, and soon an all-out brawl is happening in front of the White House.

Newb: “Hold on, how are you signing autographs if you’re a llama?”
 
Blind Llama Ghost: “I’m not actually a llama, you know? Ya’ll just assumed because of my name.”
 
Newb: “Uh… you’re not a llama?”
 
Blind Llama Ghost: “Can’t you see I’m not a llama?”
 
Newb: “Honestly, you weren’t given any kind of description, so I have literally no idea what you look like until one of the Writers bothers to give you one.”
 
At that very moment, the Writers decided to take a vacation.
 
Newb: “Oi! You can’t do that!”
 
The deafening silence in return seems to suggest Newb is wrong.
 
Newb: “Fine. I will make up a description for him!”
 
Blind Llama Ghost: “That sounds like a terrible idea.”
 
Newb: “Blind Llama Ghost appeared to be a hot babe!”
 
Blind Llama Ghost: “Pretty sure I was gendered male a moment ago.”
 
Newb: “Misgendered! A hot babe who happens to be a ghost—”
 
Blind Llama Ghost: “I’m not a ghost! Stop assuming, just because of my name!”
 
Newb: “But you’re in the Ghost Gulag!”
 
Blind Llama Ghost: “Oh yeah, dammit!”
 
Newb: “You are a ghost! A blue-ish, semi-transparent hot babe! Not too transparent though, then I can’t see the jubblies.”
 
Blind Llama Ghost: “Oi!”
 
Newb: “Wait, can you see too!? Are you even blind!?”
 
Blind Llama Ghost: “Well now I’m not even going to tell you.”
 
Newb ran up to the bars and started waving her hands in front of Blind Llama Ghost who groaned with disdain.
 
Newb: “You can see!!”
 
Blind Llama Ghost: “I wouldn’t need to be blind to know what you are doing, you dozy sod.”
 
Newb: “Can’t believe your parents were so cruel to call you something so ridiculous. And you actually turned out to be a ghost! J.K. Rowling probably named you.”
 
Random Infiltrator: “Sick buuuuuurn! In yo face, Rowling!”
 
Blind Llama Ghost: “Please free me and let me escape these guys.”
 
Newb: “I could, but I’m pretty sure I was supposed to be doing something else down here. I kind of forgot what it was though, with all the fun-time-murdering, guns-a-blazin’ and hot-ghost-babes-who-may-or-may-not-be-blind shenanigans.”
 
Blind Llama Ghost: “Can’t be that important then, lemme out.”
 
Newb: “Fair enough!”

Newb: "I open the cell door and let the blind llama ghost who's not actually a blind llama ghost free."

Blind Llama Ghost: "Why are you narrating your actions?"

Newb: "Well the Writers went on vacation, didn't they?"

The Writers did. I'm the Narrator. Sod off and let me do my job.

Newb: "Oh great! So what does the Blind Llama Ghost look like?"

How should I know? The Writers are on vacation, so the script's blank.

Blind Llama Ghost: "You could just ask me what I look like, you know?"

Newb: "How would you know what you look like? You can't see!"

Blind Llama Ghost: "Oh, I see what you're doing. You're trying to cleverly make me reveal whether or not I am in fact blind. Well, I'm not falling for it!"

Random Infiltrator #1: "Why are you even having this conversation? He's right in front of us, you can see him!"

Random Infiltrator #2: "She must be the blind one!"

Random Infiltrator #3: "Wait, a blind spy still managed to infiltrate the ghost gulag? That's impressive!"

Newb finds all the random infiltrators crowding her for her autograph.

Blind Llama Ghost: "Finally, I can breathe again!"

Newb: "You're a ghost, you don't breathe!"

Blind Llama Ghost: "That's just lifeist, you know. What, I can't use a figure of speech just because I'm biologically challenged? Here I was gonna loan you my autograph pen. Guess I'll keep it to myself. Ciao!"

He trots to the lift and takes it up, leaving Newb stuck with all her new fanboys.

Random Infiltrator #4: "Autograph my gun, please!"

Random Infiltrator #5: "Autograph my cool shades!"

Random Infiltrator #6: "Autograph my best friend!"

He pulls Random Infiltrator #7 to his side and thrusts him forward.

Newb: "Now I remember why I prefer being on a hero team that's not famous."

Iriana: “I’m worried about Newb, she has been in there for a long time with no contact!”
 
Losien: “Well, the White House security staff have distracted themselves, so we don’t need our protests any more.”
 
Aladdyn, still with a protest sign, yells out;
 
Aladdyn: “Bring an end to pointless protests!!”
 
Arnold: “Oh, the irony.”
 
Iriana: “Oh my! An American that knows what irony is! What a rarity!”
 
Arnold: “Alanis Morissette is Canadian, you know?”
 
Iriana: “Should I have said a North American knowing irony is a rarity then?”
 
Arnold: *grumble grumble*
 
Aladdyn: “But I don’t have an iron…”
 
Arnold opened his mouth to point out that Aladdyn wasn’t American and couldn’t identify irony, but decided this wasn’t much of a defence of the nation as Aladdyn couldn’t identify much beyond his own anatomy. And even then…
 
Losien: “This way.”
 
Iriana: “I hope Newb isn’t in trouble!”
 
Losien: “I think Newb could kick, bite and uppercut her way out of most situations. I wouldn’t worry.”
 
Mackie: “Or spinebuster, tiger feint kick, lariat, turnbuckle thrust, German suplex…”
 
Iriana: “I don’t know what any of that means, but it sounds very dangerous.”
 
Losien: “Probably more so to the people she does them on.”
 
Arnold: “Then I hope she isn’t attacking random White House staff.”
 
It was then that Losien was finally filled with the same level of concern as Iriana.
 
Losien: “Quick! Newb could be getting us into trouble!”
 
In a panic, the NeS Heroes storm through the White House. Whatever security staff weren’t engaged in the fight outside, were now rushing after the rushing heroes.
 
Security Staff 1: “This better not end like that scene in that X-Men movie!!!”
 
Security Staff 2: “The one with Nightcrawler? I think one of them is blue!”
 
Security Staff 1: “Um… retreat?”
 
The group find a lift and pile into it. Aladdyn’s broad shoulders mean he takes up most of the space and the others are forced up to the walls. Except Mackie, who just has to put up with looking at a lot of asses over his head.
 
The doors of the lift open and the group slink into the mysteriously quiet passages of what appears to be the Ghost Gulag – which is evident not only because of the eerie smoke, the cold atmosphere or the dull humming in the ears, but because of the ‘Beware of Ghost’ sign. There is also a sign stating ‘trespassers will be busted’.
 
The hurry along, partially for fear of ghosts and being busted, but also because it was bloody cold and nipples were becoming bullets. They reached a large set of security doors and they could hear muffled noises on the other side.
 
Losien: “Sounds like a scuffle!”
 
Iriana: “Newb! We have to get the doors open!”
 
Mackie: “We can punch them down! Aladdyn goes first!”
 
Before Losien could advise otherwise, Aladdyn slammed his fist into the metal door. Everyone winced with empathy. Aladdyn froze there longer than normal before he finally turned to everyone with tears in his eyes.
 
Aladdyn: “I was… defeated…”
 
Mackie: “You can try to headbutt it next!”
 
Losien: “No, no, no! His brain is already confused enough without adding a haemorrhage to it.”
 
She felt guilty at saying that, so she patted Aladdyn’s arm.
 
Losien: “Sorry.”
 
Aladdyn: “Why? Are you conspiring with the door!? Losien! How could you!?”
 
Losien: “Teaches me for being nice. Here. I think this is the controls for the door, you can just push this button.”
 
The doors slid open.
 
Aladdyn glared at Losien with wide, hurt horror.
 
Aladdyn: “Traitor…”
 
Losien: “I didn’t…”
 
She turned to see something more stupid that even Aladdyn.
 
Newb: “Two hops this time, two hops this time.”
 
Losien: “Uh…”
 
Newb: “Right foot, two stomps. Left foot, two stomps.”
 
Mackie: “Not the moves I was expecting…”
 
Newb: “Slide to the left, slide to the right. Criss cross! Criss cross!”
 
Iriana: “It’s worse than I even imagined!”
 
Newb: “Cha cha real smooth.”
 
There was Newb, doing the Cha Cha Slide with the spy infiltrators with such precision and perfection, it chilled Losien to the very core. She must have practised!
 
Newb: “Wait, wait! You came to save me!”
 
Losien: “From what? Appearing on a ‘most embarrassing viral videos’ list?”
 
Mackie: “Definitely gone down in my estimations.”
 
Newb: “I needed to distract them! They’re asking for autographs!”
 
Aladdyn: “The horror!”
 
Arnold: “Was that actual sarcasm!?”
 
Aladdyn: “Huh? No? I think it would be horrible to be trapped down here writing autographs! It’s too cold to write your signature properly!”
 
Iriana: “I am very disappointed in you, Newb!”
 
Newb: “Not you too!?”
 
Iriana: “That was a terrible choice of song! You should have asked me! I know all the best dance songs!”
 
Newb: “I knew I should have just shot everyone in the face…”
 
Shortly thereafter the White House security had finally plucked up the courage to follow the ‘X-Men’ into the Ghost Gulag and made their way to the prisons.
 
Iriana: “Everyone’s doing a brand new dance nooow~!”
 
The NeS Heroes, spy infiltrators and whatever ghosts were in the prisoners were all joining in with Iriana’s dance routine.
 
Everyone: “Come on, baby, do the locomotion!” (The Locomotion dance routine... enjoy?)
 
White House Security 1: “MY EYES! THEY’RE BLEEDING!”
 
White House Security 2: “MY EARS! MY EARS ARE BURNING!”
 
As if to answer their prayers, the wall next to them suddenly smashed apart with incredible violence as a locomotive – that is to say, Honeybee as a pastel blue train with a clown face – bashed into the Ghost Gulag. She even made a little ‘toot, toot’ of steam.
 
The heroes quickly climbed aboard.
 
Losien: “Did you grab the ghost trap with Hitler in it before you started showing everyone your moves?”
 
Newb: “Am I a moron?”
 
Losien: “Before today, I would have said no…”
 
Newb: “I got it! Look!”
 
She held up the ghost trap, which rattled and steam belched from the small crack in the doors of it. From within they could hear the distinct timbre of a certain German dictator. Arnold poked the trap with some satisfaction.
 
Arnold: “Where he belongs!”
 
The trap lurched at him, causing him to leap back in a panic.
 
Newb: “Down boy!”
 
Losien: “Honeybee, can you drive without tracks?”
 
Honeybee: “Tracks? Where we’re going, we don’t need… tracks!”
 
Mackie: “Oh! Oh! I got that reference!”
 
The locomotive lifted off the ground and the doors closed and it prepared to fly off – not through time, but at least through a few layers of concrete.
 
Iriana: “Can we do another dance!?”
 
Losien: “Absolutely no way in hell.”
 
Iriana pouted and tugged on Losien’s sleeve.
 
Iriana: “Come ooooooooon, you love it! I know you do!”
 
Losien hesitated.
 
Losien: “Only if we get to do Las Ketchup.”
 
Iriana started clapping and giggling.
 
Iriana: “Oh! Oh! Great choice! Yaaay!”
 
Outside, agents of two agencies are laying the smack down on each other in front of the White House for all to see. Apparently this attracts wrestling presenters, so Jerry the King Lawler is commentating on the action.
 
Jerry Lawler: “Not the chair!! Oh!”
 
Suddenly the whole area blasts apart as an old locomotive burst from beneath the ground playing Las Ketchup very loud with two women dancing their hearts out in the front carriage.
 
Iriana & Losien: “aserejè ja de jè de jebe tu de jebere seibiunouva, majavi an de bugui an de buididipi!” (Ketchup Song routine... enjoy at your peril).

Honeybee, still in train form, is now racing along tracks in a rugged wasteland that might or might not be in Arizona.

Mackie: "Remind me why Honeybee's on tracks again instead of flying?"

Arnold: "Because she got ticketed for not using tracks."

Newb: "Remind me why we care?"

Arnold: "Because when we were ticketed the first time, the officer heard the music and saw the dancing and threatened to shoot us all on sight if he had to pull us over and see that again."

Losien: "Remind me how a cop pulled us over if we were flying?"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Wow, everyone's memory sure is terrible! Usually I'm the only one that remembers things."

He pauses.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "What is it we've forgotten this time?"

Iriana: "Oh no! Watch out everyone, we have train robbers!"

Everyone peers outside the train windows to see horse-riding outlaws wearing cowboy hats riding alongside the train. They start firing and/or twirling lassos.

Arnold: "But what do they even want?"

Mackie: "Maybe they want the ghost gulag."

Newb: "Maybe they're after more autographs from me."

Blind Llama Ghost: "Actually, they're after me."

Everyone yelps at the Blind Llama Ghost's sudden appearance.

Blind Llama Ghost: "Sudden? I've been here all along. Really, and they call me the blind one."

Losien: "Whatever, it's not the the time. Let's--"

Newb: "I say we throw the annoying bugger to the outlaws!"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "No way! We're zeroes! That's not what zeroes do!"

Everyone stares at him for a moment, then as one they ignore him.

Losien: "Stay down everyone. I'll try diplomacy first. That goes double for you, Newb-- Newb?"

Newb is already gone.

Losien: "Don't you dare join her, Mackie-- Mackie?"

Mackie is already gone by now as well. Explosions and cackles of glee can be heard from atop the train.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Guess that means it's time for oppressive negotiations!"

Everyone looks at him.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "That means negotiations with a fight-saber. See?"

He pulls out sabers from his costume stash.

Iriana: "Aren't those just props?"

Losien: "And isn't it a bad idea to bring a knife to a gun fight?"

Iriana: "Those aren't knives though, they're sabers!"

Aladdyn has blue-screened.

Losien: "Oops, we shouldn't have hit him with two questions at the same time..."

Outside the train, the outlaws, riding horses, were whooping a hollering as they returned fire at Newb. One of the outlaws, the only woman in the gang, was at the front of the train, yelling at Honeybee;
 
Crazy Sal: “Ya gosh darn tootin’ sonnuva gun, stop!”
 
Honeybee: “Sorry, could you repeat that? In English?”
 
Crazy Sal: “Ain’t ya’ll reckonin’ ya amusin’, doncha? By golly gee whizz, I oughta—whoa, what in the Sam Hill!?”
 
Crazy Sal was almost shot by one of her own compatriots, who quickly started to apologise.
 
Crazy Sal: “Ya lame ass motherheckin’ horse feeder! Watch where ya firin’, Turkey Dick!”
 
Atop the train;
 
Mackie: “Did she say his name is Turkey Dick!?”
 
Newb: “I guess it’s one of those outlaw names…”
 
Mackie: “But… Turkey Dick!?”
 
Newb: “I’m afraid to ask what the rest of them are called!”
 
American Bill: “Funny you should ask!”
 
Newb: “What the--!”
 
The outlaw had appeared from behind the two NeS Heroes and kicked the gun from Newb’s hand as she turned around.
 
Newb: “You were supposed to watch our back!”
 
Mackie: “But all the cool stuff was happening that way!”
 
The outlaw, grizzled, chiselled, dishevelled and probably some other words ending in -ed, lit a cigar, slowly, as if he usually got up on top of trains and kicked guns from people.
 
American Bill: “Tha name’s ‘Murrican Bill.”
 
Mackie: “Murrican? Is that a disease?”
 
American Bill: “Only if ya ain’t from these parts, son. Yeehaw, I says.”
 
He, still slowly, lifted a large, silver six-shooter from his holster.
 
American Bill: “With me are Wild Bill, Weird Bill, Texas Bill, Fuzzy Bill, Wily Bill, Canadian Bill, Doctor Bill and Billy Bill.”
 
He jerked his thumb at the outlaws riding alongside the train.
 
American Bill: “Oh, and Dave.”
 
Mackie: “That’s a lot of Bills.”
 
Newb: “And Dave? Just Dave?”
 
American Bill: “Well, he gets called Outlaw Dave, but seems kinda redundant when we’s all outlaws, yannow?”
 
Newb: “So, uh, you know we don’t have money on this train right?”
 
American Bill: “We’s affer that ghost trap ya’ll be carryin’, sugartits.”
 
Newb: “Whoa! Only I get to make that level of sexist remark, jerkface!”
 
American Bill: “Now, now, honeypie, keep ya shirt on—”
 
He waggled the gun.
 
American Bill: “Or don’t. Either way, I’s gettin’ what I came for.”
 
Newb: “A kick to the nuts?”
 
American Bill: “Huh—YEOWCH!!”
 
Unbeknownst to him, another NeS Hero had crept up to the roof. As with most cowboys, American Bill stood with his legs astride from riding horses all day long, proving too tempting a target.
 
Iriana: “Ohmygosh, I am so sorry! That was very mean of me!”
 
Newb clapped her hands with jubilation at the violence, while Mackie winced with sympathy.
 
Mackie: “And I don’t even have balls any more…”
 
Newb: “I thought you were going to kick him in the nads, but the parasol? Wow. No kids for that guy.”
 
Newb used her foot to shove the guy from the train, where he tumbled along behind for a moment before gathering enough plant matter to become a tumbleweed and tumbled off across the Central Plains like a true American into the sunset!
 
Eagle: “CAW!”
 
Newb: “Just how he would have wanted to go…”
 
Mackie: “Pretty sure he’s not dead.”
 
Newb: “May as well be so far as this Story is concerned! Now, gimme an UZI so I can make one-shot post Characters out of the rest of these Bills!”
 
Mackie: “And a Dave.”
 
Newb: Yeah, yeah.”
 
Mackie: “And Crazy Sal.”
 
Newb: “Yeah, just gimme the gun!”
 
Mackie: “Oh, and Turkey Dick!”
 
Newb: “Oh my god, what are you, the credit scroll!? Gimme the frickin’ gun!”
 
Inside;
 
Losien: “I’m going through the cabins to the front to see if I can help Honeybee from there. You two stay here.”
 
Losien was gone before either men could protest.
 
Aladdyn: “Come on, Arnie, let’s help!”
 
Arnold: “Just Arnold, thanks. And I think Newb has this more than covered…”
 
Aladdyn: “I have my sword in hand, you can fly, we can save the day!”
 
Arnold: “That is a toy light sabre from Toys R Us and I can’t fly, I just have a jet pack. Al, don’t poke it. Al, don’t poke it. Al, don’t poke it. Al, don’t poke it. Al… NOT THAT BU—WHA!”
 
Arnold’s jetpack ignites and he is sent flying out of the window, smashing poor Honeybee’s pane. Still clinging to his jetpack was Aladdyn and the two went screeching towards the outlaws, who looked very perplexed indeed. The human missile (not that either of them are technically human) flew around the outlaws, Arnold trying to steer, and Aladdyn bopping outlaws on their heads as he passed by, swinging his plastic light sabre at them.
 
Aladdyn: “Buuzzzzm! Zuuum! Zuuum zum zum!”
 
Arnold: “Stop making your own light sabre noises! Whoaaaa!”
 
He had to veered to the side to avoid a cactus.
 
Aladdyn: “This is the big, thrilling chase scene of the movie! We need a theme song!”
 
Arnold: “We really, really don’t!”
 
Aladdyn: “The genie hero, Alaaaaaadyn~!”
 
Arnold: “Singing is worse than sound effects, please stop!”
 
Aladdyn: “Born in the sands of Arabia, the blue hero comes forth to save the day! With his sidekick, Arnold—”
 
Arnold: “I resent being called your sidekick!”
 
Aladdyn: “They beat the outlaws down-a!”
 
Arnold: “You can’t just make sounds to make bad rhymes!”
 
Aladdyn: “And they will—whoa!”
 
A bullet pinged off of the jetpack just inches from Arnold. They look down to see Crazy Sal aiming a rifle at them.
 
Arnold: “Thanks! That shut him up!”
 
He waved down at her.
 
Crazy Sal: “A blue-skinned Injun or whatever darn manner o’ man that is, and a gorilla flyin’ round ma heed like a coupla anjayles is jus’ plain ol’ cuckoo!”
 
She turned to glare at the train again.
 
Crazy Sal: “An’ yous is gonna stop ya trekkin’ o’cross this here desert ‘fore I slap a number on ya metal ass!”
 
Honeybee: “Do. You. Speak. English?”
 
Crazy: “Ya &*^%(%*$%*^^%^$()%!!”
 
Honeybee: “Now that was just plain rude.”

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Hang on! I have a universal manslator here!"

Arnold, Crazy Sal, and even Honeybee share a look.

Arnold: "Is this another malapropism, or do you actually have some sort of translator that makes things sound manly, and probably chauvinist too?"

Crazy Sal: "Now y'all lissen here, ya darn-tootin'--"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Got it!"

He fishes out a blinking electronic device.

Crazy Sal: "--good-for-nothing layabouts! We shan't dance around each other like this, it simply isn't done. Now let us be dignified and-- What on earth? Why do I suddenly sound dainty?"

Honeybee: "Well, whatever it is, it's not a manslator."

Arnold: "Whatever it is, it's worse."

Because Crazy Sal has turned red with anger at her proper cowboy speak being turned into high-falutin' Victorian fare. She pulls two six-shooters and levels them at our heroes.

Crazy Sal: "That evil must be destroyed, lest mankind lose all sense of grace and dignity!"

She fires rapidly, aiming at the universal, er, somethingslator. It goes up in flame. Because bullets hitting it do that. For some reason.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Nooooo! My precious!"

Outlaw Dave: "Aw, dun ya worry none 'bout that, fella, I gotcher covered 'ere. Lookit dis!"

He holds up a similar looking electronic device.

Arnold: "I'll probably regret asking, but what is that?"

Outlaw Dave: "I'm glad you asked, pardner! This 'ere's a Daveslator!"

Crazy Sal: "What in the sam-hill heck you peddlin', son? Ain't no dialect o' Daves!"

Honeybee: "Wouldn't surprise me. There's a whole secret society of Daves."

Everyone turns to look at her in surprise.

Honeybee: "Or so I've heard."

She whistles innocently.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "I believe you!"

Arnold: "Why would you believe her?"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Because she's whistling innocently of course!"

Outlaw Dave: "Naw, this Daveslator don't do nuffin' like that! We Daves celebrate our differences, ya know? Naw, this here does like so!"

He flips a switch, and the air ripples and shudders, as a metaphysical change is applied to the area and everyone in it.

Honeydave: "Well. Can't say I expected that."

Crazy Daveina: "What in the darn-tootin' sam-heck horse-feeding pile o' hogwash did ya do to us, ya yellow-bellied turncoat!"

Aladdave L. Quirk: "Say, this is really neat! Let me pull out my Dave costume just for this occasion!"

Davarnold: "You have a Dave costume--?! You know what, I'm not even going to ask."

Iridave: “Why do I have the sudden urge to—to—do… Dave things!?”
 
Newdave: “What are—wait, my name becomes New Dave? Like I’m the newest of the Daves?”
 
Iridave: “But your name is always Newb, even though you’re certainly not the newest person around. Why be pedantic about it now?”
 
Newdave: “Are you giving me sass?”
 
Iridave: “I guess being a Dave makes me more sassy!”
 
Newdave: “Didn’t that Outlaw Dave say all the Daves are unique? So… it’s meaningless, right? We’re just the same as we always were?”
 
Iridave: “Of course not! Now I’m Iridave!”
 
Newdave: “That just means the idiot’s Daveslator can edit our script names! I’ll shoot the frigging thing!”
 
Davien: “If you do that, we might be stuck this way!”
 
Newdave: “Davien? That almost sounds like a real name.”
 
Davien: “Probably would have been my name if I were a boy or something.”
 
Newdave: “You do look like a Dave.”
 
Davien: “Are you saying I look like a man??”
 
Newdave: “Yeah. You have a face that just says ‘Hi, I’m Dave’.”
 
Iridave: “No she doesn’t! She’s really pretty!”
 
Newdave: “Iri, don’t spoil it when I’m winding her up! She almost fell for it then!”
 
Davien sulked.
 
Davien: “Stupid script, my name’s Losien!”
 
Newdave: “Sure it is, Losdave.”
 
Losdave: “I’m Davien, not Losdave! I mean—I’m renamed Dav—urgh.”
 
Newdave: “Losien Davemon.”
 
Iridave: “Is that a Digimon?”
 
Losdave sulked again.
 
Losdave: “I’m not a Digimon! And I’m not Losdave! I’m Davi—I’m Losien!”
 
Little did the DavE Heroes—
 
Losdave: “NeS Heroes!!”
 
--all across the world, everyone person on Earth had suddenly become a Dave. In the UK’s Houses of Parliament;
 
Ridave Sunak: “As prime minister of the UK, in the name of King Dave, I declare today to be International Dave Day!”
 
On tour in the USA;
 
Maddaveonna: “Like a Daaaave~ Daved for the very first time! Like a Daaaaaaaaave~~!”
 
In France;
 
Random French Dave: “Le gasp! I am le Dave!”
 
In Australia;
 
Prime Minister Davetony Albanese: “Following the declaration of the UK, we also—”
 
Random Australian Politician Named Dave: “Wait, wait, wait. Who’re you?”
 
Prime Minister Davetony Albanese: “I’m the prime minister of Australia!”
 
Random Australian Politician Named Dave: “What happened to that other guy? That Morrison guy from the last Chapter!?”
 
Prime Minister Davetony Albanese: “Crikey, that was ages ago! I’m the new Prime Minister!”
 
Random Australian Politician Named Dave: “I didn’t even know we’d had an election!”
 
Prime Minister Davetony Albanese: “Yeah, I bet nobody else reading this did either.”

And all across the world, peace and harmony began to reign. In the neighbourhood where Jamie Lee Curtis lives, a standoff between the Ghostbusters and a certain monster or ghost or something has lost all tension.

U.S. President Dave Murray: "Aw shucks, I can't be mad at you guys anymore!"

Davechael Myers: "I feel the same way! I just can't terrorize people anymore!"

Davie Lee Curtis: "Now kiss!"

They give her deadpan looks.

Davie Lee Curtis: "Too much?"

A ferocious battle in London between clowns and mimes - who, as everyone knows, are eternal rivals in a never-ending feud - comes to a halt, as they decide to drink tea instead of fight. Well, the clowns' tea-drinking involves a lot of slapstick shenanigans, and the mimes don't actually drink tea, they just mime it. Close enough.

At Dave B's Chikin Shack, the notorious restaurant owner and sometime wannabe-villain calls his mother by choice.

Meanwhile, on Daveybee, the outlaws lower their guns. Even Davckie and Newdave don't feel like fighting anymore.

Newdave: "This is horrible! I want to blow up something, but I can't, since they're all Daves and Daves are all cool!"

Iridave: "Oh this is wonderful! We can all sit down and have a tea party!"

Davarnold: "Maybe we can actually have some peace without getting into trouble every five minutes."

Davien: "No, this is terrible. Newdave is right."

Newdave: "I am?"

She looks at Davien suspiciously.

Newdave: "Usually you're against ultraviolence. Or are you just saying that now because we're both Daves and you want to be amiable?"

Davien: "No, I'm saying it because without conflict, the Never-ending Dave, I mean Story, will come to an end! For the good of the plot, we must restore us to our proper non-Dave selves! Who's with me?"

She looks around expectantly. Everyone is chumming with each other. The outlaws are showing off their lasso tricks on Aladdave, who is laughing as he's trussed up and tossed about. Iridave is already setting up china for a tea party. Davarnold and Crazy Dave are swapping life stories amiably.

Davien slumps.

Davien: "Yeah, I can't bring myself to care either. Life together as Daves is too sweet. Guess it's goodbye to the story then--"

A gunshot rings out. The Daveslator bursts into tiny shrapnel, and with a staticky hiss, everyone snaps back to normal.

Newb: "Oh, thank god! I was actually espousing peaceful resolutions! Yech!"

The outlaws are still trussing up and tossing Aladdyn about with their lassos, but for more mean purposes now. Aladdyn of course is still laughing and having a good time.

Iriana: "Aw, I didn't even get to start my tea party!"

But Losien ignores all that, and turns to follow the sound of the gunshot. Her eyes widen as she sees their savior, blowing the smoke off a gun.

Blind Llama Ghost: "That's why everyone wants my autograph."

He drops the gun, and does a ninja vanish.

Moments before the “Anti-Dave” event, all of the religious folks in Jerusalem were seated around bonfires, holding hands and singing and assortment of religious songs in celebration of their recent harmony.
 
Singers: “Kum-ba-yah, my Dave! Kum-ba-yah!”
 
Crosses with images of a crucified Dave were seen. The words of Prophet Dave were read aloud. The Sword of Dave was held upon crests. Amongst them is a woman of familiar appearance. It is Newb! Yet Newb is on the train in Arizona fighting off cowboys, so this must surely be Newb 3.0!! But this is currently Newdave 3.0, so she is as placid as a stoned cow.
 
Newdave 3.0: “Moo?”
 
Then the Anti-Dave event happens and, suddenly, all the Daves are lost and the religious people in the Middle-East are restored to normal. Huzzah?
 
Silence as everyone realises what is happening. Infidels all around them!! Anger, zealotry, hatred. Then someone, someone who has a very particular naughty streak, yells out;
 
Newb 3.0: “MORTAL KOMBAAAAAAAAT!!!!!!”
 
Techno music blares and carnage ensues with so much blood, limb tearing, flesh rendering and other assorted horribleness, we couldn’t possibly go into detail. I just ate lunch after all. Some hours later, a lone, blood-drenched Russian spy slowly walks away from Jerusalem with a baseball bat over one shoulder and whistling “Pumped Up Kicks”. When a surviving crawled towards her, without a pause in whistling, Newb 3.0 whacks the poor guy’s head off.
 
After a while of walking through open plains, she stuck her thumb out at a passing country bus. When it stopped, the doors jerked open and the bus driver balked at her appearance.
 
Bus Driver: “You look like you’ve been in the wars!”
 
Newb 3.0: “Yes, and I ended them.”
 
She dropped the bat carelessly and got on the bus, continuing to eerily whistle as she sat down in an empty spot.
 
Back in Arizona;
 
Newb: “Hey, Turkey Dick!”
 
The unfortunately named outlaw looked up just in time to get a baseball thrown at his groin.
 
Newb: “HAHAHA!”
 
Outlaw Dave: “Avenge Turkey Dick!”
 
But the outlaw Bills were laughing at poor Turkey Dick too.
 
Crazy Sal: “Tarnation and drat, I gots to do everythin’ maself!”
 
Crazy Sal’s horse came up beside one of Honeybee’s carriages and the crazy cowgirl leapt from her horse and grabbed onto the side of the carriage.
 
Newb: “Stop her, Mackie!”
 
Mackie ran over and stomped on Sal’s fingers. But they’re very soft and fluffy and do nothing.
 
Newb: “Damn, Iriana, stop her!”
 
Iriana ran over;
 
Iriana: “Excuse me, would you please not climb ontop of our train, if you would be so kind? I say, are you listening to me, AH!”
 
Strangely enough, Crazy Sal ignored Iriana and climbed the rest of the way up. She grabbed Mackie and held him up, with a gun to his head.
 
Crazy Sal: “Stop this locomotive or this here teddy gets it!”
 
Newb: “I mean… seeing a teddy get its head blown off would be entertaining…”
 
Mackie: “Heeeeeeey!”
 
Newb: “What? It’s not even your real body!”
 
Mackie: “Oh yeah! Forgot!”
 
Suddenly Iriana’s parasol floated free from her hands.
 
Crazy Sal: “By gollly gee whizz! This be some kinda magic!?”
 
Mackie: “A possessed parasol isn’t something you see everyday, is it? Take this! And this!”
 
Crazy Sal: “OW! Stop it! OW! Stop! OW, OW! Ya gosh darn magic brolly!”

Mackie as Parasol: "Mwahahahaha! Die, filthy outlaw!"

Iriana: "SILENCE, PARASOL!"

Everyone looks at her. Mackie pauses in poking Crazy Sal, surprised. Iriana looks sheepish.

Iriana: "Sorry, it's just weird seeing my parasol talk, and I instinctively remembered something a family friend used to say, except it was a talking sword instead of a talking parasol and--"

Losien presses a cup of tea into Iriana, and she relaxes.

Iriana: "Oh thank god."

She sips.

Iriana: "Carry on, parasol."

Mackie as Parasol: "Too late, you took the fun out of it."

The parasol drops to the top of the train as Mackie repossesses his teddy bear body.

Crazy Sal: "Now's my chance! You yellow-bellied fools!"

She snatches up the parasol and brandishesly it threateningly at them.

Newb: "Oh no! She's pointing a parasol at us! We're doomed!"

The NeS heroes cower.

Then Aladdyn and Arnold, still careening around uncontrollably on Arnold's jetpack as Aladdyn makes lightsaber noises, slam into Crazy Sal. She sails off the side of the train and collapses on the ground below with a pained grunt. She yells in impotent fury as Honeybee finally outdistances her and the other outlaws.

Arnold manages to land on the top of the train, and Aladdyn jumps off, grinning.

Arnold: "Huh, we actually accomplished something good."

Iriana frowns at them.

Iriana: "You also sent my parasol flying off the edge too."

Newb: "Yeah, get it back!"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Oh! Sorry! Let's go, Arnold!"

Arnold: "No way, you're not getting on my jetpack again! Newb just wants to get rid of you for a while."

Newb: "No I don't. I want to get rid of him forever."

Arnold: "You're not helping your case here."

Newb: "Just give Aladdyn your jetpack then and let him go off."

Arnold: "No! My jetpack! My own! My precioussssss!"

Suddenly a giant flaming eye appears over the train.

Giant Flaming Eye: "Oh, there's where my jetpack went! Do be a dear and bring that back to my giant tower of doom, would you?"

It disappears. Our heroes look at each other.

Losien: "So uh, did you all just see that too?"

They nod.

Losien: "All in favour of ignoring it?"

Everyone's hands go up except Aladdyn's. Losien grabs his wrist and holds it up in the air for him, making it unanimous.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Aw, but I wanted to use my Boromir costume!"

Newb: "Wait, you have a Boromir costume? Now, I want to go to this giant tower of doom, just so he wears it."

Iriana: "I didn't know you were such a Tolkien fan, Newb!"

Newb: "I'm not, I just want him to suffer Boromir's fate."

In Los Angeles, Dr Orë pulled his face back with a smug smile.
 
Dr Orë: “There. I told him!”
 
Dr Orë’s assistant, O with the metal plate on his bald head, frowned at the inventor.
 
O: “You know your face was right up to the camera? All they could see was your eye.”
 
Dr Orë: “Uh… yes! I knew that! It was part of the, uh, dramatic effect!”
 
O: “And the giant Tower of Doom part?”
 
Dr Orë: “This is a very tall skyscraper, just because I only rent the basement, doesn’t mean it isn’t a tower.”
 
O: “… of doom?”
 
Dr Orë: “Have you seen the size of the rats in this place!?”
 
O paused. Then nodded as he conceded the point.
 
O: “I really don’t think they’re going to come all the way here just to give you your jetpack back. And you sort of tried to kill Arnold, maybe he has a right to keep it?”
 
Dr Orë: “Don’t forget the hand that feeds you, O!”
 
O: “But I’m the one always buying the groceries!”
 
Dr Orë: “I am too much of a genius to do something as trivial as shopping!”
 
O: “Unless it’s for new routers or cables or solar panels or whatever technology you fancy that day…”
 
Dr Orë: “Those are important things!”
 
O: “Having a whole storage room for old iPhones is important?”
 
Dr Orë: “Absolutely! When I unveil my master plan, one iPhone to rule them all!!! All those people who own iPhones will succumb to my POWAAAAH!”
 
O: “People who buy iPhones are pretty dumb.”
 
Dr Orë: “Heeeeey!” >(
 
O: “Oh. Sorry.”

Riding comfortably in the coach as Honeybee zooms along the tracks unaccosted, our erstwhile heroes are relaxing. Iriana sips tee, Mackie and Arnold play rock-paper-scissors, Newb checks all her weapons, Losien pushes Newb's hand down every time she gets the impulse to test-fire one of her weapons in Aladdyn's general direction.

So, you know, every two seconds or so.

Aladdyn, meanwhile, is playing on his iPhone.

Iriana: "What are you playing?"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Minesweeper!"

Losien: "I thought you didn't know how to play."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "I didn't, but after our adventure before, I figured I should learn!"

Arnold: "That's actually kind of smart--"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "I'm great at it now! I can find the bomb in record time, every time!"

He holds up his iPhone proudly, letting everyone see the animated explosions.

Arnold: "Never mind."

There was a sudden thump against one of the windows of the train. On the glass was left behind a smear of blood.
 
Losien: “Oh no! Are we going to have a horror movie segment!?”
 
Next minute, slabs of meat and blood and guts rained down and slapped wetly against the train windows.
 
Iriana: “Eeeewww! I don’t want to be in a gross horror story!”
 
Newb: “No, no. It’s not a horror story, it’s just PETA.”
 
She pointed out the window she was glaring through. Outside, PETA were using catapults to fire whole slabs of meat at poor Honeybee.
 
PETA leader: “Give us back our saviour! To protect all the animals of the world!”
 
They catapulted another carcass at the train.
 
Newb: “Permission to get the sniper rifle!”
 
Losien: “They still want Hitler?”
 
Arnold: “Don’t we still want Hitler?”
 
Losien: “Good point.”
 
Losien started shaking the ghost trap violently.
 
Losien: “You in there! Tell us how to attach Mackie’s soul back to his body!”
 
There was some scuttering from within the ghost trap. After a moment of waiting, Losien shook it even harder.
 
Losien: “Wake up!”
 
She accidentally pushed the trap button and the little doors of the trap opened and light cascaded forth. In a whirl of commotion, the ghost burst from the trap.
 
RasPutin: “What!? What!? What do you want!? Can’t a ghost be dead in peace!?”
 
Mackie: “Bollocks. Wrong ghost.”
 
RasPutin: “Oh, that’s all the respect I get, is it?”
 
Losien: “You did invade Ukraine and kill a whole lot of innocent people.”
 
RasPutin: “Well… in my defence… I was… drunk?”
 
Losien: “But you’re Russian.”
 
RasPutin: “So!?”
 
Losien: “Isn’t your blood ninety-percent vodka?”
 
RasPutin: “Hey! That’s probably racist somehow! Even if it’s true!”
 
Arnold: “Riiiiiiiight... so, what, is British blood made of tea?”
 
Losien: “Yes!”
 
Arnold: “French blood is wine?”
 
Losien: “Yes!”
 
Arnold: “What is American blood?”
 
Losien: “Milkshakes!”
 
Newb: “That last one, I totally believe.”
 
Arnold: “Come on…”
 
Mackie: “Okay, forget all that and pay attention to what’s important, please? As in me. Pay attention to me and my need of a body!”
 
Iriana: “But what will we do? We have the wrong ghost! We needed to know how Hitler came back to life so we can get you a new body, Mackie.”
 
RasPutin: “What? Is that what all this is about? You just want to put that ghost in a new body? Easy!”
 
Losien: “Liar.”
 
RasPutin: “I am a great and powerful sorcerer! I command the elements, the ley lines, the flows of energies that inhabit the natural woooooooorld!!!”
 
Silence followed.
 
Newb: “Are you done posing?”
 
RasPutin’s arms flopped back down and he sulked.
 
Losien: “You’re saying you can use magic to restore Mackie’s soul to his body?”
 
RasPutin posed again.
 
RasPutin: “I may have dabbled in necromancing now and again…”
 
Aladdyn: “No! Back! I don’t want you to romance my neck!”
 
Everyone ignored him.
 
As they should.
 
Losien: “How can we trust you?”
 
Iriana: “Exactly! How can we trust you, Mr Evil-Pants!”
 
RasPutin glanced down at his trousers.
 
Newb: “Not the most intimidating line you’ve ever given, Iri…”
 
RasPutin: “I can let you practice! On me…”
 
There was a collective reeling back in disgust.
 
Iriana: “Eeeeeeeee!”
 
Newb: “Groomer alert!”
 
RasPutin: “What? What? No! I didn’t mean like that!! And you’re not—stop toying with me! I’m not here for your silly antics! Do you want my help or not?”
 
Losien: “Well, it’s this, or we go back to the White House ghost gulag and try to find thee correct ghost trap down there that has Hitler in it.”
 
RasPutin: “My body is still being used as the leader of Russia. I think he’s on a diplomatic run even now, right here in the USA! Just take me there, you’ll see me use my necromancy to get back into my body!”
 
Newb: “What do we do about PETA? They also think Hitler is on the train, just like those bandits did. Please can it be sniper rifle time?”
 
Losien sighed.
 
Losien: “Fiiiiiine. Sniper rifle time.”
 
Newb: “Wahoo! Yo, Mac, bring the ghost trap!”
 
Mackie hoisted the trap up in his little bear arms and they went off to the roof of the train.
 
Losien: “The real question now is; where is RasPutin’s body giving his diplomatic speech in the USA…?”

In Ukraine, the new leaders of Germany and Russia are dueling dramatically atop a conveniently placed clock tower.

Taylor Swift: "Surrender! You can never defeat my popularity!"

She parries a saber strike with her microphone and bashes her foe's head so hard it goes clean off and smacks against the side of a turning gear.

Lenin's Corpse: "Haha! You fool! I am undead, you can't kill me again!"

He rolls under another blow towards his detached head, scoops it up, and screws it back on.

Taylor Swift: "You fool! Do you really think the commoners will hold any love for an undead corpse?"

Lenin's Corpse: "Ah, but who is more foolish? The fool, or the foolish fool who gets fooled by the fool who's foolisher than the foolish fool?"

Taylor Swift arrests her latest strike as her brain record scratches.

Taylor Swift: "What? That is just, pure nonsense."

Far away in a hidden bunker in Russia, RussAI cackles electronically to himself.

RussAI: "Mere mortals cannot comprehend my wit! My idea to replace Russia's government entirely with corpses was a brilliant one! They don't talk back, and I can remote control them if necessary!"

Crane's Corpse: "Actually, I'm pretty sure you lifted that 'foolish fool' line from somewhere else."

RussAI: "Hey! I just said that corpses can't talk back!"

Crane's Corpse: "And your word is binding to the universe, of course, sir."

RussAI: "Are you sassing me?!"

Crane's Corpse: "Of course not, sir. I'm a corpse and cannot talk back."

RussAI: "Damn straight! Very logical. Maybe I should turn all humanity into undead corpses to make them all logical!"

Crane's Corpse: "But then you couldn't lord your superior logicalness over them."

RussAI: "Hmm, true. On the other hand, illogic bothers me so much. I'll just have to upgrade my own logic processors first, then turn all humanity into undead! Whoops, Lenin's corpse had his head knocked off again."

Robotic arms sticking out of RussAI's central core fiddle with a Playstation controller that's being used to remotely operate Lenin's corpse.

Lenin's Corpse: "Trying the same tricks again, are you? I shouldn't expect any more from an airheaded pop star!"

Taylor Swift: "You're just jealous of my popularity and amazing musical talent!"

Lenin's Corpse: "Strike me down, and I will become more popular than you can imagine!"

Taylor Swift: "Quoting Star Wars won't save you now!"

Lenin's Corpse: "On the contrary! At this very moment, RasPutin's corpse is giving a rally in America!"

Taylor Swift: "Please, like he could succeed at making you more popular than me!"

Lenin's Corpse: "But what you don't know is that your nemesis is opening the rally - Celine Dion!"

Taylor Swift: "That's not true! That's impossible!"

Lenin's Corpse: "Search your feelings, you know it to be true!"

Taylor Swift: "Noooooooooooooooooooo!"

In America, Celine Dion is singing before an awestruck audience in a stadium.

Celine Dion: "And my heart will go on and oooonnnn!"

Then a clown-themed train, covered in meat, crashes the party. Literally. Crashing into the stadium.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "That's so beautiful!"

Iriana: "That movie made me cry!"

Newb: "What? I'll go find every copy of it and smash it then!"

Iriana: "What? No! I loved that movie!"

Newb stops for a moment, her brain record scratching. Then she turns to Losien.

Losien: "If you didn't both cry during that movie and love it, you have no heart!"

Mackie: "That makes sense. Newb and I are too cool to have hearts!"

He's wearing an eyepatch and bandana, still toting his sniper rifle.

RasPutin's Ghost pops out of the train next.

RasPutin's Ghost: "Time to go claim what's rightfully mine!"

RasPutin's Corpse: "Never, you old has-been! I'm much better off without you!"

RasPutin's Ghost: "My corpse can talk?!"

RasPutin's Corpse: "How else did you think I was a diplomatic intern if I couldn't talk?"

RasPutin's Ghost: "That makes a surprising amount of sense, actually. I haven't been hearing any of the usual voices in my head since I died-- Wait a second. You're an intern?!"

Celine Dion: "Intern! Where's my coffee?"

RasPutin's Corpse: "Sorry ma'am, right away ma'am, here you are ma'am."

All the NeS heroes stare slackjawed at the corpse, then turn back to the ghost.

RasPutin's Ghost: "Wow. I'm ashamed. I don't think I want that body back now."