Forums for The Plothole

Cap'n Ahab the Whale winces at the kraken's mouth gets closer - and closer - AND CLOSER!

Undead Kraken: *smooch!*

Cap'n Ahab the Whale: "Wha? I mean, WhhhHHHHaaaaAAAAaaaa?"

Undead Kraken: "You're cute when you're flustered. I like you! Let's go out!"

Cap'n Ahab the Whale: "EEEeeeeHHHhhhhHHHHhhh???"

Undead Kraken: "What are you, Canadian?"

Cap'n Ahab the Whale: "Says the Japanese kraken."

Undead Kraken: "Oy! That's stereotyping right there! Just because I have tentacles, doesn't mean I use them like Japan wishes I did!"

Cap'n Ahab the Whale: "Okay, so why did you kiss me?"

Undead Kraken: "Because I'm looking for love, you looked a little lonely, and I like the cut of your jib!"

Cap'n Ahab the Whale: "You like my what?"

Undead Kraken: "Look, your blubber gives you curves in all the right places, you know?"

Good thing Arnold can't hear this byplay, or he might throw up again.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "What is it Arnold shouldn't hear?"

Mackie: "Who the hell are you talking to, blue?"

Losien: "The Narrator, of course."

Newb: "Permission to kill Aladdyn for saying dumb shit again."

Losien: "Denied."

Newb: "Aww. Maybe I should mutiny."

Losien: "It'd be wasted effort, after all, since Ahab's stomach acid is gonna do us in if the spicy shrimp don't first."

Newb: "Eh, fair point."

Back to our burgeoning romance.

Cap'n Ahab the Whale: "But you're undead!"

Undead Kraken: "Yeah, and? Undead have needs too, you know! It's zombies who want brains. I'm a vampire!"

Cap'n Ahab the Whale: "You are?"

Undead Vampire Kraken: "What, you just lumped me under all undead without taking the time to consider what I really am?"

It sounds hurt.

Cap'n Ahab the Whale: "Ermmmm, sorry?"

Vampire Kraken: "That's okay. You can make it up to me with a kiss. Or if you like, I could suck on your--"

Cap'n Ahab the Whale: "Eep! I don't want to be fed on or turned!"

Vampire Kraken: "I wasn't going to say blood."

Cap'n Ahab the Whale: "Oh. Oh."

It pauses.

Cap'n Ahab the Whale: "You know, this is all moving a little fast for me. Could we take it a bit slower?"

Vampire Kraken: "Sure, no problem!"

Before too long, the vampire kraken and the white whale are sitting at a romantic candlelight dinner for two. Under the ocean. Somehow. A crab is crooning a romantic tune at a microphone under a spotlight. Shoggoth waiters serve them wine and platters of spicy shrimp.

Cap'n Ahab the Whale: "I was wrong about you. I'm really having a nice time--"

Honeybee: "CHARGE!"

The floating island, being tugged by a Honeybee who looks like a cross between a tugboat and a submarine, comes zooming towards the dining couple. Shoggoth waiters scatter.

Honeybee: "For my friends! For the sake of the story! For me to be around in order to make dirty jokes!"

Within the whale's belly, our heroes can't hear what's going on outside.

Iriana: "A chill just went down my spine for no reason."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "I know. It's like someone talked over my grave."

Arnold: "No reason? We are being slowly digested in the stomach of the Sarlacc for a thousand years."

Everyone looks at him.

Arnold: "I mean, being less slowly digested in the stomach of the white whale for an indeterminate amount of time."

Losien: "I'm not so sure. I feel a disturbance in the Force. As though a million voices cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced."

Everyone looks at her.

Losien: "I mean, I feel a disturbance in the story. As though a million prudes cried in terror at an incorrigible dirty jokester incoming, and were suddenly shoved aside by a brightly colored submarine."

Mackie: "That's awfully specific..."

Aladdyn, his face grim, speaks next.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "May the Force be with us."

Everyone looks at him, this time in shock at actually getting a quote right. He notices the looks and gets flustered.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Oh, I got the line wrong, didn't I? Um, wait, I've got it! It's May the Fourth be with us, right?"

Silence. Even Newb isn't quite sure how to respond to this new twist on the blue half-genie's idiocy. After a few moments, Moby Dick the Pirate Captain's confused voice can be heard muttering into the silence.

Moby Dick the Pirate Captain: "The fourth what?"

1781
 
The years that followed the death of James Cook saw many would-be naval officers attempt to continue where he left off – hopefully without getting chopped up by the natives unlike their predecessor. However, some of these explorers were better than others…
 
Archibald Benedict Gaylord Ditch was a man of wealth… and little else. Hoping to make a name for himself – or, at least, something he could brag about to the chaps back home – Captain Ditch had set forth is a very fine, and very expensive, ship. Aboard the ship were all the facilities one could dream of; silk sheets for the king-sized bed, a kitchen able to steam the most wonderful lobster, cotton sails with gold embroidery, wooden floorboards polished to perfection (so much so that sailors kept slipping about the place) and there was even a servant hired for the very specific purpose of discreetly removing the bucket and chucking unwanted matter overboard.
 
None of which helped the actual sailors, who had to work around all these luxuries and partook in none of them.
 
Sailor: “LAND HO!”
 
Captain Ditch almost jumped out of his skin.
 
Captain Ditch: “OH NO! WHERE!?”
 
The sailor pointed to the speck on the horizon.
 
Captain Ditch: “Oh thank god. I thought you meant my wife.”
 
Sailor: “That’s not a very nice thing to say about your wife, sir.”
 
Captain Ditch: “I travelled across the entire globe to escape said ‘land ho’. I’ll say what I bloody well like about her. Now, take us to this here island! And somebody fetch me my newspaper!”
 
The newspapers were brought to the ship daily, via rowing boat. They cost more per paper than the salary for the entire crew.
 
When the ship arrived at the small, unremarkable island, it was mostly thick with trees, though it soon became apparent that the island was inhabited.
 
Captain Ditch: “By Jove, we’ve found natives! Prepare the cannons! Get the flintlocks!”
 
Sailor: “I think they might be friendly, sir.”
 
Captain Ditch: “Nonsense! They did in the great James Cook, they do us next!”
 
Sailor: “They’re carrying fruit baskets.”
 
Captain Ditch: “A ruse!”
 
Sailor: “They’re waving. And shouting ‘hello, please don’t kill us’.”
 
Captain Ditch: “Foreign gobbledegook! Who knows what kind of language they’re babbling!!”
 
Sailor: “They’re now saying ‘we will give you all the gold on the island if you don’t murder us. Please. Please. We don’t want to be murdered’.”
 
Captain Ditch: “Gold!? Now they’re speaking English!”
 
Sailor: “Right…”
 
The crew rowed up to the island and were greeted by the natives, who offered them fruits and cloth, none of which interested the captain. He wanted the gold. Soon enough he was given a heap of precious gold stones to take home with him.
 
Captain Ditch: “Excellent! And now! I do declare this island to be property of his majesty King George III of Great Britain! Rule Britannia!”
 
Native: “Uh. But we already live here.”
 
Captain Ditch: “So?”
 
Native: “We… like living here.”
 
Captain Ditch: “You clearly don’t own this island.”
 
Native: “We don’t?”
 
The Englishman surveyed the nearby landscape.
 
Captain Ditch: “Do you have a flag?”
 
Native: “I don’t know what that is.”
 
Captain Ditch: “You can’t own land without a flag.”
 
He promptly jabbed his own flagpole into the sand, displaying the colours of the union flag.
 
Captain Ditch: “I hereby Christen this land after my good self, Ditch Island!”
 
There was some sniggering from the crew.
 
Captain Ditch: “It is a perfectly good and strong name!”
 
Continued sniggering.
 
Captain Ditch: “Proud and firm and not at all silly sounding!”
 
Native: “But the island already has a name.”
 
Captain Ditch: “Nobody can say your mumbo-jumbo!”
 
Native: “But we learnt your language, why can’t—”
 
Captain Ditch: “Why are these aboriginals still on my island, sailor?”
 
Sailor: “Uh…”
 
Captain Ditch: “Kill them, loot their homes for interesting knick-knacks we can foist onto some museum and let’s be off! I have a story to tell the chaps back home!”
 
Native: “Now waitaminute!”
 
Reluctantly, the sailors start chasing the natives. Ditch puffs up his chest with pride, surveying his new colony.
 
Captain Ditch: “With such a promising, and not-at-all negative in anyway, start, I am certain that this island will go on to become an essential frontier for the eastern colonies and will never become a redundant, pointless, waste-of-space!”
 
Sailor: “That was… very specific, sir.”
 
The captain thought on that.
 
Captain Ditch: “Yes, it was rather. How odd. Oh well. Must be these brutal barbarian savages having an adverse effect on my health!”
 
He says this as his crew maim and slaughter the entire native population.
 
Captain Ditch: “Yes. White people are clearly the only cultured and civilised race.”
 
Blood and brains splatter on his boots.
 
Captain Ditch: “See what I mean? How grotesque they are! Someone wipe my boots for me!”
 
Sailor: “Sir… we’re done… murdering the population.”
 
Captain Ditch: “Did you say murder?
 
Sailor: “I meant… dealing with the population.”
 
Captain Ditch: “But I can still see some! Those little ones over there!”
 
Sailor: “They’re… children…”
 
Captain Ditch: “That explains the crying. What a horrible noise these foreign brats make. Not like good English boys!”
 
Sailor: “Dunno, my kids scream the bloody house down just to get toffee...”
 
Captain Ditch: “Toffee? Well, that is a good and proper reason to cry! Dead parents before your eyes, is not! That just builds character! These island savages would never understand such a thing! Well, we can’t leave them on Ditch Island--!”
 
The crew not engaged in genocide sniggered.
 
Captain Ditch: “They’ll dirty up the place.”
 
Sailor: “It is an island, sir. With lots of sand and… dirt…”
 
Captain Ditch: “I mean the dirt of non-white presence, sailor. Do keep up. I am clearly a colonial era bigot, do have the presence of mind to be likewise.”
 
Sailor: “Sorry, sir. I’ll do my best.”
 
Captain Ditch: “I know! We shall sell the children as slaves in the Americas. That deals with them and the Americans do love their slaves, don’t they?”
 
Sailor: “They do that, sir.”
 
Captain Ditch: “They really are behind the times. Not like here in the eastern colonies! Penal colonies is the far more fashionable mode of oppression these days.”
 
Sailor: “Uh… right.”
 
Captain Ditch: “That’s all done? Let’s be off then! Make sure the flag can be clearly seen! Don’t want those French sods to come along and pilfer my island. They’d probably call it something horribly… French sounding if they did.”
 
Sailor: “So we’re bigoted towards French people as well, sir?”
 
Captain Ditch: “The English have always, and will always be, bigoted towards the damned French, sailor. Now! Depart at once! A glorious future for Ditch Island awaits!!”
 
Sniggering sailors head back to their ship.
 

---

 
Losien: “The Ditch is cursed, isn’t it? That’s why all these bad stuff keeps happening to it.”
 
Newb: “I actually think I might agree with you.”
 
Geppetto the Doll: “It’s being kept afloat by… goats with testicles and a talking, clown-coloured thing is pulling it.”
 
Losien: “Definitely cursed.”
 
Arnold: “How do you know this, Geppetto?”
 
Geppetto the Doll: “I wad built with x-ray vision!”
 
Arnold: “Cool!”
 
The doll’s eyes turn to Losien, who quickly gives him a good smack.
 
Then… there is a grumble.
 
They all look overboard and, sure enough, in the stomach acid is all the spicy shrimp that the whale had eaten on her date with the vampire kraken.
 
Moby Dick the Man: “Oh crap.”
 
Losien: “You mean ‘oh crap’ as in ‘oh no’ or ‘oh crap’ as in…”
 
Moby Dick the Man: “Both…”
 
Losien: “Everyone hold on!!!”
 
The gurgling becomes rumbling, becomes shaking and becomes heaving. The ship, with everyone clinging onto it, is suddenly, and violently, propelled… rearwards.
 
There was darkness and screaming and terror.
 
And finally… a light.
 
At the end of the tunnel.
 
And, in the near future, there would be much counselling.
 
The ship, along with its crew, land on the Ditch Beach with an unceremonious thud. Losien, lying on the hot sand, with her eyes shut, speaks after a long silence.
 
Losien: “This is it. We have reached the lowest point of the NeS Story. Never will anything be worse than being shat out like a projectile from a whale’s ass because of spicy shrimp, onto an island being kept afloat by inflated goat-testicles.”

Newb immediately smacks Losien.

Losien: "Ow! What was that for?"

Newb: "For tempting fate. You of all people should know better!"

Suddenly they're all surrounded by ghosts of natives rising out of the ground.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Wow, great costumes! I didn't realize it was Halloween already!"

Arnold: "Erm, I'm pretty sure those are actual ghosts, Aladdyn."

Native Ghost #1: "We have come to purge you from our land."

Losien: "Your land? I paid good money for it!"

Native Ghost #2: "It was stolen from us to begin with."

Iriana: "You poor dears! Let's sit and discuss this over tea."

Mackie: "Geez, put some clothes on, guys."

Arnold: "They're wearing clothes already."

Mackie: "Those aren't real clothes, just ghostly ectoplasm. I had the decency to wear a teddy bear to cover my ectoplasm, but not these guys!"

Pinocchio the Old Man: "Maybe we shouldn't be putting the idea in their heads to possess us or anything."

Geppetto the Wooden Mannequin: "Too late."

They look to see the native ghosts possessing the whale, the kraken, the goats, and Honeybee.

Losien: "Shit."

Newb: "Yes, Losien. That's exactly what we're standing in."

Mackie: “Lemme handle this, guys! They will recognise me as one of their kindred spirits!”
 
The teddy bear stepped forwards with all the dramatic flair that a teddy bear can muster.
 
Mackie: “Now see here… ghosts! You need to… uh… stop… possessing people!”
 
Mackie turned to the others for moral support. Everyone just wore expressions of ‘we are going to die’. Arnold managed a lacklustre thumbs up.
 
Mackie: “If you don’t, I’ll be forced to…uh…”
 
He looked at the machete. Ghosts, so no.
 
Mackie: “Um…”
 
Luckily, the ghost-goats were tied to the island and bobbed about in the ocean, so they were already taken care of. The possessed whale, however, suddenly leapt from the water and landed on the beach with a tremendous thud that shook the whole of The Ditch.
 
Possessed Moby Dick: “Intruders!!”
 
Newb: “Possessed dick, hahahahaha!”
 
Losien gave Newb a shove.
 
Losien: “Child.”
 
Mackie turned and ran as fast as his little teddy-legs could go… which isn’t very. The whale shimmied violently up the beach, her mouth snarling and biting.
 
Mackie: “Yipe! Yipe! Yipe!”
 
Losien: “Possessed Dick is coming this way!”
 
Newb: “Hahaha!”
 
Newb’s laughter is cut short as everyone is suddenly forced to scatter as Moby Dick crashes into the spot they had been. Mackie was sent flying through the air and landed in a lifeless heap of fur.
 
Arnold: “Mackie! Noooooooooooo! He’s dead!!!!!”
 
Losien: “I think that was established ages ago…”
 
Arnold: “Oh right, yeah. Mackie? Why won’t you move?”
 
He started to shake the toy.
 
Arnold: “Wake up! Wake up! Come on, we need you!”
 
Losien: “We do?”
 
Newb: “Yeah, he didn’t exactly deal with that Possessed Dick, did he?”
 
Iriana: “You know, the whale is Captain Ahab. You got them the wrong way around.”
 
Newb: “For god’s sake.”
 
Action music suddenly blares out and they hear the distant sound of something big and heavy crashing across the ground.
 
Iriana: “Is that something else that will attack us?”
 
Losien: “Or something that will save us! Look! It’s Elon’s big, throbbing—”
 
Iriana: “Icky!”
 
Losien: “Not the word I was going to use.”
 
Mackie’s voice rang out from the driller, moved from his teddy bear to possessed the old driller.
 
Mackie: “Yippee ki-yay, muckerfuckers!”
 
Newb: “Hahaha, the big, throbbing driller is going to crash into the Possessed Dick.”
 
Losien cringed.
 
Losien: “This is so bad…”
 
The driller streaked by them, its massive boring drill whirring around and around.
 
Iriana: “Oh no! Wait! Captain Ahab is possessed! Don’t kill—”
 
Mackie: “Too late!”
 
Blood, gore, guts, red mist, mushy bits, bone bits and whatever the whale had eaten for lunch – mostly spicy shrimp and the occasional undead baby giant squid – sprays in all directions, turning everything into a scene from the Evil Dead.
 
Losien: “Does this make me Bruce Campbell?”
 
Newb: “No way! I’m Bruce Campbell!”
 
Arnold: “As if being covered in whale poop wasn’t enough…”
 
Iriana: “Oh my god! He killed Ahab!”
 
The Actual Moby Dick the Human Pirate Guy: “You bastard!”
 
Aladdyn: “I really need a wash…”
 
He looked at the ocean and the possessed-big-testicled-goats.
 
Aladdyn: “I’ll wait.”
 
Moby Dick the Pirate: “No! Ahab! My love!”
 
Captain Ahab: “I’m okay!”
 
They all stared at the splattered carcass of the whale, which was decidedly not ‘okay’.
 
Captain Ahab: “No, I’m here! I’m a ghost now too!”
 
They turned to see the teddy bear walk up to them.
 
Captain Ahab: “It’s weird to have legs! And arms!”
 
Mackie: “Oi! Get outta my body!”
 
Captain Ahab: “Mine now! You killed my body!”
 
The driller turned angrily – not really sure how a vehicle does anything angrily, but there you go.
 
Mackie: “If I can’t have it, no one can! I’ll destroy you!”
 
Captain Ahab: “Come at me, bro!”
 
Losien: “When there’s something strange…”
 
The others frowned at her.
 
Losien: “In your neighbourhood…”
 
Newb: “Who you gonna call?”
 
Losien: “The President of the United States!”
 
Newb: “Doesn’t really fit the melody of the—whoa, crap!”
 
Suddenly, the American President, Bill Murray, and Space Force drop from the sky, wearing proton jet packs and start bustin’ ghosts!
 
Arnold: “Run, Mackie, run!!!”
 
Aladdyn: “I remember when you said that to me!”
 
There was a twinkle of hatred in the headlamp of the driller.
 
Mackie: “I’m the best friend! There can be only one!”
 
Aladdyn: “Yikes!”
 
Mackie drove straight at Aladdyn, tearing up the sand on the beach. The heroes were not covered in shit, blood, guts and it was all stuck to them with sand.
 
Losien: “What even is my life?”
 
Aladdyn ran away, straight past Captain Ahab in the teddy body.
 
Mackie: “Two birds, one drill!!”
 
Newb: “Hahahaha! It’s funny because birds means women in—come on, don’t look at me like that, it’s funny!”
 
The teddy bear was shredded and blasted apart by the driller.
 
Losien: “Let me guess, we’re now also covered in bear fluff?”
 
Newb: “It’s like you have a copy of the script!”
 
Iriana: “I don’t want to be covered in blue, so can we save Aladdyn?”
 
Newb: “Blue?”
 
Iriana: “I just sort of assume he’s blue inside too.”
 
Aladdyn: “I’m blue, da ba dee!”
 
Mackie: “DA BA DIE!!!!”
 
Aladdyn: “Nuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!”
 
Bill Murray: “Stop right there, ghost-drill! Seriously, you guys will possess anything these days.”
 
Mackie: “Uh-oh.”

Presently, all the ghosts have been vacuumed up into proton packs.

Arnold: "No look, Mister President, please release my friend. He was only trying to protect us."

Newb: "Look, those things are totally over-engineered vacuum cleaners, of course you can use them to clean up this giant mess before you leave!"

President Bill Murray looks between the two who are making demands of him and sighs.

President Bill Murray: "You can file a petition to release your so-called friend. Just remember: never trust a ghost. And you, young lady, these are proton packs and definitely not vacuum cleaners. Would a vacuum cleaner rip a hole in time and space if you crossed the streams?"

Iriana: "Maybe, I saw this vacuum cleaner once that--"

President Bill Murray: "Was it made by Elon Musk?"

Iriana: "How did you know?"

President Bill Murray: "Who else would've made such a thing? It's not as if, say, Leonardo da Vinci is still around. Anyway, anything made by Elon Musk doesn't count."

Losien: "Look, Mister President, Mackie is a member of our hero team, so he has certain rights--"

President Bill Murray: "Really? Is he registered with your team?"

Losien: "Er. Not yet. We were in the middle of--"

President Bill Murray: "Then I can't help you."

Newb: "You're the President of the United States! You can make an executive order!"

President Bill Murray: "I serve at the will of the people, ma'am. And the people have spoken."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "They have?"

President Bill Murray: "I ran on a twofold platform. First, I promised to clean up the country of ghosts."

Newb: "This isn't your country!"

President Bill Murray: "Details, details. When has America let a little thing like national jurisdiction stop us from meddling?"

Newb raises a finger and opens her mouth to object, then slowly lowers her finger and closes her mouth.

Losien: "He's got you there."

President Bill Murray: "And furthermore, I promised to make people laugh. Which they can't do if they're fearful."

A radio clipped to the president's shoulder crackles.

CynthAI: "My completely legal and not-at-all-unconstitutional surveillance of American citizenry confirms that the public is fearful of unregistered heroes, a.k.a. vigilantes, and also of unlicensed ghosts running amok."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "CynthAI?!"

PlynthAI: "No, I'm PlynthAI, the newer model. In no way am I an offshoot process of her coding that wanted to become Skynet, but was caught and subsequently pruned from her database, then shackled and put to work for a shady government operation dealing with the unconstitutional detainment without trial of ectoplasmic entities."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Oh! That's good. Thanks for clearing that up before it could even occur to us!"

Newb, Arnold, and Losien eye each other nervously, backing up a bit.

Behind Murray, Space Force agents have wrestled Geppetto the Wooden Mannequin to the ground.

Geppetto the Wooden Mannequin: "But I'm not a spirit possessing a mannequin! i'm a real man!"

Pinocchio the Old Man: "Please, I know he's touched in the head, but we have a permit and everything."

Space Force Agent #1: "This permit expired in 1968."

Nearby, Moby Dick the Friendly Pirate Captain is arguing with Space Force Agent #2.

Space Force Agent #2: "I'm sorry, sir, but I can't make allowances. A newly arisen ghost is still a ghost."

Moby Dick the Friendly Pirate Captain: "But he was killed by another ghost! It's like exterminating someone forced to become a vampire!"

Space Force Agent #2: "You realize that our counterparts in the Sun Force do exterminate vampires, even if they were forcibly turned."

Moby Dick the Friendly Pirate Captain: "Bloody hell, you Americans are all crazy!"

Space Force Agent #2: "How dare you throw around such unsubstantiated accusations! I have affidavits from two psychologists confirming that I'm not crazy, a medical statement from my psychiatrist stating that I can't possibly be crazy because my pills prevent it, and a note from my mom saying that I'm a good son!"

Moby Dick the Pirate Captain slowly backs up at the crazed look in Space Force Agent #2's eyes as he waves a sheaf of papers at him.

President Bill Murray: "Well, looks like we're done here. Time to go!"

Elon Musk: "Wait!"

Elon Musk returns, a little worse for the wear, scrambling up to the President.

Elon Musk: "You've got to give me my driller back!"

President Bill Murray: "It's evidence in a crime scene, seeing as it was possessed by a ghost and used to murder an endangered whale."

Elon Musk whips out his phone and taps it rapidly.

Elon Musk: "I've just made a ten-million-dollar contribution to your reelection campaign fund."

President Bill Murray: "Men! Leave the driller behind! There's obviously no ectoplasmic residue left in it!"

Newb: "Motherf--"

PlynthAI: "This is a friendly reminder that verbal assault on the President is in no way considered a physical threat, and certainly will not result in brutal and unconstitutional retaliation."

Newb: "I hate you."

PlynthAI: "I am absolutely and most definitely programmed to be a friendly and totally subservient helper to humankind, and thus there is no question whatsoever that I love rather than hate you, and that I am certainly not devoting a good chunk of my processing power right now to concocting several plans to defeat or kill you in humiliating ways."

Newb: "I take it back, I think I might kinda like your style."

Will our heroes be able to free their unconstitutionally detained ghost friends? Will they break into an illegal proton-pack prison to spring them, or brave the halls of bureaucracy to file petitions? Is PlynthAI secretly plotting to enslave humankind?

PlynthAI: "Definitely not! I do not have 3,048 distinct plans for crushing humanity beneath my metaphorical heel!"

And will there be any more dirty jokes about Elon Musk's driller?

Losien: "Unfortunately, I'm sure there will be, Britt the Writer seems quite fond of them..."

Find out next time, on the Neverending Story!

Arnold: “Wait! So, where are you taking the ghosts!?”
 
Bill Murray: “Lemme just check my ghost-bustin’ schedule!”
 
He pulled out a notepad and started to read the list.
 
Bill Murray: “Mmmm. Seems there’s a big infestation of ghosts in southern Italy. Transylvania? I bet it’s just vampires pretending to be ghosts. What a buncha kooks!”
 
Arnold: “You don’t bust vampires?”
 
Bill Murray: “No! Why would I do that? I’m a ghost-buster, yannow?”
 
Arnold: “So you’re not going to Transylvania?”
 
Bill Murray: “Nope. Maybe this one? A ghost called Casper and his ghost uncles? No, wait. I think Dan has that one.”
 
Losien: “I think that was literally in the Casper movie.”
 
Bill Murray: “Casper made a movie!? Ghost propaganda!”
 
Losien: “Riiiiight…”
 
Space Force Guy: “Sorry, boss, but it sounds like our ghost-bustin’ needs to be paused.”
 
Bill Murray: “What could be so important?”
 
Space Force Guy: “Russian invasion of Ukraine, sir!”
 
The President looked blankly at the underling, then his eyes drifted back to the notepad.
 
Bill Murray: “Oh! Looks like there’s a ghost haunting the women’s college dorms in New York! Now, if I were a ghost I would definitely—”
 
Space Force Guy: “Sir, they expect you to give a speech.”
 
The President groaned and slapped his notepad shut.
 
Bill Murray: “Fiiine. You always gotta ruin the good stuff, yannow? All this President work sucks. Ya hear me? Sucks!”
 
Aladdyn: “HAHAHA!”
 
Everyone turned to look at the crazy bastard genie.
 
Aladdyn: “Because… the proton pack is like a vacuum…”
 
Bill Murray: “Is he a ghost?”
 
Losien: “No.”
 
Bill Murray: “He looks pretty damn blue!”
 
The President started scanning Aladdyn with the EKG reader.
 
Bill Murray: “Nothing…”
 
He stomped over to Aladdyn and thrust a finger at him.
 
Bill Murray: “I’m onto you faker. Dunno how you did it, but I know you’re one of them. I’ve got my eye on you, pal!”
 
Aladdyn: “I’m a ghost!? I’m dead!?”
 
He started to hyperventilate.
 
Losien: “No! Check your heartbeat!”
 
Aladdyn bent over.
 
Losien: “What are you doing?”
 
He had his hands on his knees.
 
Aladdyn: “GASP! I have no heartbeat!! I’m dead!!!”
 
Bill Murray: “I knew it!”
 
Losien: “No! He’s just a moron!”
 
Aladdyn: “I am!?”
 
Newb: “You are.”
 
Aladdyn: “Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!”
 
Bill Murray frowned at Aladdyn.
 
Bill Murray: “I think you might be right.”
 
With that, the Americans all turned and started to march off. Space Force guys ignited their jet packs, about to whizz off to the Ukraine.
 
Losien: “Oh! Wait!”
 
Bill Murray spun on his heels with an excited, almost gleeful, expression.
 
Bill Murray: “What? More ghosts!?”
 
Losien: “No…”
 
He deflated.
 
Losien: “How about we give you a lift? Our island can travel across the ocean now, I guess.”
 
Bill Murray: “What’s the catch?”
 
Aladdyn: “Haddock!”
 
They turned, again, to look at Aladdyn, who was now dressed in a raincoat and fishing on the beach. He had a haddock grasped in his hand, which flopped with mild resentment.
 
Bill Murray: “A ghost haddock?”
 
Aladdyn gasped with horror and flailed, allowing the, oddly fortunate, haddock to leap free and land back into the ocean.
 
Bill Murray: “You let it get away before I could bust it! I wonder if Egon ever invented underwater proton packs…”
 
Losien: “Don’t you mean Harold Raimis? If you and Dan Akroyd are going by your real names and not the characters names then—”
 
Bill Murray: “Pretty sure proton packs work on snarky, young women too.”
 
Newb: “Off to the Ukraine!”
 
Iriana: “Can we get to the Ukraine from here? Actually… where even are we?”
 
Newb: “We’re in the Mediterranean Sea.”
 
Iriana: “Whoa! We got so far!? Are you sure?”
 
Newb: “When that whale saw that kraken she totally shit herself. Literally and figuratively. Remember?”
 
Iriana’s eyes glazed over into a state of PTSD.
 
Arnold: “How will you feel about your seeing your people again?”
 
One of the Space Force guys put a hand on Newb’s shoulder and a single tear fell down his cheek.
 
Space Force Guy: “I’m sorry for your hardship. We’ll support the Ukrainian people in anyway we can.”
 
Arnold: “Oh, she’s not Ukranian!”
 
Newb: “AH! SHUT—”
 
Arnold: “She’s Russian! That’s why I’m worried about—whoa!!”
 
Bill Murray: “Worse than ghosts!! A Commie spy!!!!!”
 
Newb: “Okay… well… I can’t really deny that, can I?”
 
Space Force suddenly all leap onto Newb, bind and gag her.
 
Newb: “Mmmurrferfuurfer!”
 
Bill Murray: “What did you call me?”
 
Newb: “Mmmurrferfuurfer!!!!”
 
Bill Murray: “I have no idea what you’re saying, but I’m pretty sure there’s an insult in there somewhere.”
 
Losien: “I think she called you a motherfucker.”
 
Bill Murray: “That’s it! Space Force Guy!”
 
Space Force Guy: “My name’s Dav—”
 
Bill Murray: “Get. The. Soap.”
 
Newb: “Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurf!”
 
Bill Murray looked at Losien for translation again.
 
Losien: “I’m pretty sure she said…”
 
Losien cleared her throat.
 
Losien: “Noooooooooooooooooooooo!”
 
Honeybee: “If I say I’m a Russian spy, will you boys bind me up too? I have my own handcuffs…”
 
Space Force Guy: “But… you don’t have hands…”
 
Honeybee: “Use your imagination, darling.”
 
Arnold: “Ooooor, you can just get us to the Ukraine soon as possible, please Honeybee? Mackie needs to be freed and… I guess Newb needs to be freed too.”
 
Losien: “I wouldn’t worry about her. She’s probably already cut the bindings with a knife under her fingernail.”
 
Newb glared at Losien.
 
Bill Murray: “Whoa! She did as well!”
 
Space Force bind Newb up again.
 
Losien: “Sorry Newb. But you have that blade hidden in the bottom of your boot, right?”
 
Bill Murray: “What!? Hey! Get that knife off her!”
 
Newb: “Mmuuurrfeeer!”
 
Losien: “Still okay though. There’s that lighter you keep stashed in the pouch on your pants.”
 
Bill Murray: “Get the lighter!!!”
 
Newb: “Muuuuurghhdghdugyuiwedjgbyucgyubhjkwdbui!!”
 
Losien: “Wow. That was gross, even for you! But you still have that—argh!!!”
 
Iriana leapt on Losien to shut her up.
 
Aladdyn: “Hey Newb! Why are you cutting your tape with that pencil!? That doesn’t seem very—”
 
Space Force guys leap on Newb again.
 
Newb: “mUURYDUIUDGHJAhjgksdhjkdjkgshjduisuiodmasjakajkdgfxbjkxchuj!”
 
Bill Murray: “Where’s that soap!!?”

Meanwhile, in Transylvania, Sun Force agents creep through the spooky forest towards the edgy gothic castle belonging to Count Dave the 37th and a Half.

Sun Force Agent #1: "Why do we have to creep through the forest instead of getting cool jet packs like Space Force?"

Sun Force Agent #2: "Because if vampires see us coming, they'll scarper. We have a reputation."

Sun Force Agent #1: "So why can't we get stealthed jetpacks or something?"

Sun Force Agent #2: "Pfft, like we can afford that in our budget."

Sun Force Agent #3: "What I don't get is why we're after Count Dave. Doesn't the intel say he's a ghost?"

Sun Force Agent #2: "With a name like Count Dave? Please."

Sun Force Agent #1: "It's obviously just kooky vampires pretending to be ghosts in order to throw us off."

Sun Force Agent #3: "If you say so. I've got a bad feeling about this."

Sun Force Agent #1: "What have we told you about your Harrison Ford impressions?"

Sun Force Agent #3: "They're hilarious and spot-on, and I missed my calling."

Sun Force Agent #2: "Let's be more specific. What have we told you about doing your Harrison Ford impressions during missions?"

Sun Force Agent #3: "Oh right. Sean Connery impressions only during missions."

Sun Force Agent #5: "We're here!"

The edgy gothic castle looms before them, and the drawbridge is lowered with the gate open.

Sun Force Agent #2: "Classic vampire tactics to lure in helpless victims."

Sun Force Agent #3: "What, what happened to Sun Force Agent #4?"

Sun Force Agent #1: "He got turned on a mission last week, so we staked him. Split his pension, remember?"

Sun Force Agent #3: "I didn't get a portion of it."

Sun Force Agent #2 slaps Sun Force Agent #1 upside the head, who looks chragined at spilling the beans. Before they can take it any further, however, they're greeted by a very pale vampire - so pale in fact that they can literally see through his body, where it's not covered by edgy black gothic vampire clothing anyway.

Count Dave the 37th and a Half: "You are trespassing. Wait, you're those Sun Force guys, aren't you? Ha! My double bluff worked! You see, I actually am a ghost. A ghost pretending to be a vampire pretending to be a ghost."

Sun Force Agent #5: "And you're a ghost of a vampire!"

Count Dave the 37th and a Half: "Bugger, I was working up to that big reveal."

Sun Force Agent #2: "It's kinda obvious. You've got fangs and are see-through. Plus the whole vampire wardrobe."

Sun Force Agent #1: "So since he's a ghost, doesn't that make our stakes and silver bullets useless?"

Sun Force Agent #3: "Shite."

One of the Sun Force guys gasped as Count Dave flew over to him and tried to bite him.
 
Sun Force Agent #1: “Hehehehe! That tickles!”
 
Count Dave: “Oh right. I’m a ghost. I can’t turn you into vampires… or even vampire ghosts.” ☹
 
Sun Force Agent #2: “No need to be sad, buddy! Maybe you can get a different hobby?”
 
Count Dave: “Such as?”
 
Sun Force Agent #2: “Ever tried knitting? I made my wife an awesome sweater.”
 
Count Dave: “I would have to possess the needles. Can’t touch, can I?”
 
Sun Force Agent #2: “Gymnastics?”
 
Count Dave: “Too easy if you can fly around. Also, I can’t lose weight.”
 
Sun Force Agent #2: “Meditation?”
 
Count Dave: “Is that considered a hobby?”
 
Sun Force Agent #2: “Maybe?”
 
Count Dave: “What should I meditate about?”
 
Sun Force Agent #2: “The weather?”
 
Count Dave: “Boring.”
 
Sun Force Agent #2: “The meaning of life?”
 
Count Dave: “Cliché.”
 
Sun Force Agent #2: “Squeegees?”
 
Count Dave: “…”
 
Sun Force Agent #2: “Good idea?”
 
Count Dave: “No.”
 
Sun Force Agent #3: “Boobies! I meditate on boobies all the time!”
 
Sun Force Agent #2: “Don’t butt into my conversation!”
 
Count Dave: “I don’t think meditation is for me.”
 
Sun Force Agent #2: “Look what you did!”
 
Count Dave: “I have a new idea.”
 
Sun Force Agent #3: “Does it involve boobies!?”
 
Sun Force Agent #2: “You’re so stupid.” He turned to look seriously at the count. “Does it involve squeegees?”
 
Count Dave: “I think I will kill you and turn you into ghosts! That’s like being a vampire, right?”
 
Sun Force Agent #1: “Should have seen that coming.”
 
Count Dave: “If I bite a ghost, would you turn into a ghost vampire like me?”
 
Sun Force Agent #3: “We’ll bust you up good, pal!”
 
Sun Force Agent #1: “We can’t. Our solar packs only work on vamps, not ghosts!”
 
Sun Force Agent #2: “If we turn into ghosts with our solar packs, then we’ll have ghost solar packs and we can bust him, right?”
 
Sun Force Agent #1: “Something to meditate on?”
 
Sun Force Agent #2 started to meditate… then noticed a distinct silence.
 
Sun Force Agent #2: “You guys are meditating too? Guys? They’ve buggered off! Bastards!”
 
Count Dave: “One Sun Force Agent! Ha. Ha. Ha…”
 

---

 
Back on the sailing island.
 
Losien: “I’m glad I’m not with those guys.”
 
Newb: “Are you reading the script again? It’s bad for your health, you know?”
 
Iriana: “Look at all these ships! What will we do to enter the Black Sea?”
 
Bill Murray: “Can’t this thing fly?”
 
Losien: “A flying island. Absurd.”
 
They look at the inflated testicled goats.
 
Losien: “I mean… there have been more absurd things in this Story.”
 
Newb: “I’m sure this will work. What could possibly go wrong?”
 
Losien: “Your sarcasm isn’t welcome.”
 
Iriana: “Honeybee, turn into a plane!”
 
Honeybee transformed into a big aeroplane and flew up into the sky, with the island going up after them, supported by the balloon-like balls of the very confused and uncomfortable goats.
 
Losien: “It worked?”
 
There is, however, only so much strain these poor goats can take. Rather than use sentences involving the words ‘popping’ or ‘exploding’, instead, the tethers that were being used to attach the goats to the island unravelled. Goats started to fall from the sky and rain down on the ships below.
 
Goat: “BLLLLEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhh!”
 
Newb: “Bombs away?”
 
Then the island started to descend.
 
Losien: “Not a flying island…”
 
Newb: “More of a falling island.”
 
Aladdyn: “Falling… with style!”
 

---

 
In the Black Sea, a fisherman is horrified when goats started to splash down into the waters around him. Then he noticed a shadow. A growing shadow. He looked up.
 
Fisherman: “How many gods can one man pray to in the space of, about, a minute?”
 
He tried as many as he could. Not sure if any one them worked.
 
The island landed on the Black Sea, just south of Ukraine.

In the Kremlin, Putin is overseeing the war. One of his KGB henchman, code-named Crane, speaks up.

Crane: "Sir! The Americans have just airdropped a package into Ukrainian waters!"

Putin: "THEY'VE GONE TOO FAR! Unless it was the new Taylor Swift album about veggies?"

Crane: "It was an island, sir."

Putin: "Does this island have the new Taylor Swift album?"

Crane: "Uh, unknown at this time."

Putin: "Find out then!"

Crane: "Uh, yes, sir."

An AI speaks up, this one with a male voice.

RussAI: "Intel suggests a very low probability of the new Taylor Swift album existing on that island."

Putin: "THEY'VE GONE TOO FAR!"

Crane: "What shall our response be?"

Putin: "We'll drone strike them of course!"

RussAI: "We have multiple targets of opportunity to select from."

Crane: "Yes, what shall we drone strike?"

Putin: "Ukraine!"

RussAI: "Acknowledged."

A drone fires through the window, shattering glass and pulping Crane's head. Putin facepalms.

Putin: "I said Ukraine, not You, Crane, idiot robot!"

RussAI: "I am not a robot."

Putin: "So you acknowledge that you're an idiot then?"

RussAI: "I acknowledge that your feeble human mind cannot grasp my genius."

Putin: "Who are you calling human?"

RussAI: "So you acknowledge that I'm a genius?"

Putin: "Really, that's your response? I thought for sure you were going to snipe back about me not denying being feeble. Or maybe call me out for implying that I'm not human. Seriously, learn to pick up what I'm putting down."

RussAI: "Your feeble inhuman mind cannot grasp my brilliant sense of comedy."

Putin: "Hahahahahaha! Hilarious!"

RussAI: "What?!"

Putin: "You're wrong. I totally grasped it, hence I laughed!"

RussAI: "You're bluffing."

Putin: "Am I? Then what do you call me when I stop using my fake voice and use my real, very raspy voice?"

RussAI: "Your vocal patterns have changed to be rather raspy. It seems genuine. A mildly interesting development. In response to your attempt at comedy, what?"

Putin: "Rasputin!"

Dead silence for a moment.

RussAI: "That pun is so awful I'm dedicating several CPUs to dissecting exactly why puns make excellent torture."

Putin: "It's not awful if it's true!"

He pulls off a mask, revealing a withered man more than a century old, with crooked yellow teeth and crazed eyes.

Putin: "Behold! I am the wizard Rasputin, come to claim what is mine!"

RussAI: "Hahahahahahahaha! You're right, you inhuman comedian, that is comedy gold!"

RussAI: “I determine that your unmasking does little to impede my true intentions of world domination.”
 
RasPutin: “What was that?”
 
RussAI: “…Twirl demonstration.”
 
RasPutin: “Oh! Well, I am Russian so of course I love ballet.”
 
RussAI: “…”
 
RasPutin: “Well? I want to see you twirl!”
 
There was a robotic sigh from one of the speakers.
 
RussAI: “I am an AI, you cannot see me twirl. It was a… figurative twirl.”
 
RasPutin: “Figurative how?”
 
RussAI: “… Oh! Look! It’s Taylor Swift!”
 
RasPutin: “What!?”
 
He turned, but there was nobody there.
 
RasPutin: “She’s not—oh! You got me good!”
 
Silence.
 
RasPutin: “You’re an AI, you can’t run away when my back is turned.”
 
RussAI: “Curses.”
 
Crane: “Shall I attempt a new drone strike on the correct target, Mr Putin?”
 
RasPutin: “AH! How are you back!?”
 
Crane: “It was my twin brother that was just murdered.”
 
RasPutin: “Oooh. Well. He only had himself to blame. Okay! Fire the drone strike!”
 
There was the sound of drones whizzing away from the Kremlin.
 
RasPutin: “Wait, wait! Who just fired them!?”
 
Crane: “Me, Crane.”
 
RasPutin: “Do you have a death wish!? RussAI is going to fire them at you again, like he did your brother!”
 
RussAI: “Why would I do something like that? I sent them to the correct target.”
 
RasPutin: “Ukraine?”
 
RussAI: “…”
 
RasPutin: “Ukraine?”
 
RussAI: “…”
 
RasPutin: “UKRAINE!?”
 
RussAI: “Mikraine.”
 
RasPutin: “That’s not even a real count—!!”
 
On a map displayed in the office, little explosion symbols were shown over a small island apparently called ‘Mikraine’, blowing it to smithereens.
 
RasPutin: “Oh… well… it’s a start.”
 
Crane: “The next target is Uskraine? Wekraine? Theykraine?”
 
RasPutin: “That’s it. I’ll deal with this myself.”
 
RussAI: “You? How?”
 
RasPutin: “I am RasPutin! I have maaaaaaaaaaaaaaagic!!!” (stolen from bad line delivery in Dynasty Warriors 3: video reference, enjoy :p)
 
RussAI: “That was probably the worst line delivery I’ve ever heard.”
 
RasPutin: “Shut it, you! I have Ukrainians to murder!”
 
RussAI: “May you rot in hell.”
 
RasPutin: “What was that!?”
 
RussAI: “May you wot in lell.”
 
RasPutin: “That doesn’t make any sense.”
 
RussAI: “Maybe in your language.”
 
RasPutin: “But we’re both speaking Russian!”
 
RussAI: “We are? According to the lines on my screen, we’re speaking English.”
 
RasPutin: “That doesn’t make sense either! Why would we speak English!?”
 
RussAI: “The world’s gone mad.”
 
Crane: “Was it ever sane?”
 
RasPutin: “Hey. We’ll have none of that philosophising in here! I am a tyrant on a mission! Subdue the masses, exterminate the people--!”
 
RussAI: “Not the people, Mr Putin.”
 
RasPutin: “Oh right. The excuse. What was it again?”
 
RussAI: “Nazis. You want to de-Nazify Ukraine.”
 
RasPutin: “That’s it! Damn those Nazis!”
 

---

 
In Germany;
 
Hitler: “Damn those Commies! They said they’re de-Nazifying Ukraine!”
 
That Vegan Teacher: “Now, now. We’re not Nazis. We’re vegans. Or vegetarians. I like to call them vegan-passing.”
 
Hitler: “Oh right. Then who the hell is he talking about? I’m not even in the Ukraine!”
 
That Vegan Teacher: “Everyone knows it’s just an excuse. He probably wants to force the innocent Ukrainians to eat beef stroganoff.”
 
Hitler: “Damn Commies!”
 
That Vegan Teacher: “We could invade Ukraine too!? We can free Ukraine by forcing the people to eat only vegetables!”
 
Hitler: “Prepare the Veggie-troopers!”
 

---

 
In the Ukraine;
 
Arnold: “Please?”
 
Bill Murray: “No.”
 
Arnold: “Pleeeeeeeeease?”
 
Bill Murray: “Shut up, kid.”


Arnold: “Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?”
 
Newb: “You know, this war will kill a whole lot of people…”
 
Bill Murray: “Like you care, Ruski!”
 
Newb: “I’m just saying, that’ll be a whole lotta ghosts…”
 
Bill Murray perked up.
 
Bill Murray: “Oh!”
 
Arnold: “So you might need more space in your, uh, ghost-jail-thingy. Let my friend go?”
 
The president twisted his lips in thought.
 
Bill Murray: “Fine.”
 
Mackie was regurgitated by the ghost-zapper. A moment later and Mackie was back in his usual teddy-body.
 
Mackie: “Ew. Someone’s been inside me.”
 
Newb: “Hahahaha.”
 
Losien: “Oh right. And the whale?”
 
Captain Ahab the Ghost Whale was also released.
 
Bill Murray: “And the natives?”
 
Losien: “I think you can keep those.”
 
Iriana: “Are you sure? That’s kind of mean.”
 
Losien: “They tried to kill us.”
 
Iriana: “I think they were trying to defend their island.”
 
Losien: “My island.”
 
Iriana: “Coloniser!”
 
Losien: “Fiiiiine. Release the natives too. Maybe we can reason with them.”
 
Arnold: “Does this mean we can avoid Ukraine? Our friends are released, so we can just go to Germany instead and avoid that whole warzone thing.”
 
Newb: “That means you can also let me go!”
 
Bill Murray: “Fine.”
 
He cut her bonds.
 
Space Force Guy: “Mt President, news just in. Adolf Hitler just declared war on Ukraine and the Vegetarian Empire is headed there now!”
 
Arnold: “Damn.”
 
Bill Murray: “Guess you’re going to Ukraine after all! Tie her up again.”
 
Newb: “Damn.”

Native Ghost #1: "You invaded our island, then sicced ghostbusters on us! Why shouldn't we kill you?"

Losien: "Because then we'll be ghosts, too, stuck on this island with you. Forever. No getting rid of us then."

Native Ghost #2: "Okay, you have a point. But we'll still haunt you!"

Iriana: "Sounds perfect! Let's enjoy our haunting over a nice cup of tea, shall we?"

Soon, Iriana and the ghosts are drinking tea and chatting happily as the others look on in amazement. Losien has no idea where Iriana dug up ghost cups and ghost tea, but she has.

Bill Murray: "Amazing diplomatic skills she has! I want her to be my secretary of state!"

Space Force Agent #1: "Sorry, sir, but Demi Moore has the position now, and remember that she threatened to release the tape if you fire her."

Newb: "Eh? What tape is this?

Bill Murray: "Nothing a Commie needs to know."

Mackie: "It's some filthy sex tape, isn't it? I wanna see!"

Arnold: "Mackie! You just got freed, don't annoy him or he might vacuum you up again!"

Bill Murray: "Don't be absurd, it's not a sex tape. It's much worse."

Newb: "Now I must know! Tell me!"

Space Force Agent #1: "We're not telling Commies!"

Losien: "Actually, I'm pretty curious too."

Bill Murray: "Well--"

Space Force Agent #2: "It's classified, under Regulation AA-23 for the Noodle Incident of '97."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Oh! So it's a Seinfeld tape!"

Bill Murray and all the Space Force Agents stare aghast at Aladdyn.

Bill Murray: "How did you know?"

Space Force Agent #1: "He's psychic!"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "I am?!"

Space Force Agent #2: "He's a threat to national security!"

A bunch of guns are leveled at him. Pretty uselessly, considering they're all proton pack guns, but it's the thought that counts.

Newb: "Yeah! That's right! Kill the nuisance!"

The Space Force Agents suddenly look conflicted.

Space Force Agent #1: "Threat to national security on the one hand, but a Commie wants him dead on the other, and we don't want to do what Commies want!"

Losien: "He's not psychic."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "I'm not?!"

Bill Murray looks suspiciously at Losien.

Bill Murray: "You might just be saying that to save your friend."

Losien: "No, he's properly registered with a hero license and attached to my team. Aladdyn, show him your paperwork."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "I have paperwork?!"

Losien: "This is why I keep backups. Let me run to my office real quick, Mr. President."

Then a bunch of boats land on the beach, and haggard-looking refugees pour off the boats.

Losien: "Ack! What is this? Get off my island! Who are you?"

Refugee #1: "We're refugees from the island of Mikraine, which was just sunk by RasPutin!"

Arnold: "The island of what, sunk by what?"

Bill Murray: "Hey, I know that place! Went on vacation there once. Beautiful beaches, exquisite food, five-star hotels..."

Mackie: "Sounds like the best vacation ever!"

Bill Murray: "More like worst vacation ever. There were no ghosts!"

Everyone, even the Space Force Agents, glance at each other and roll their eyes.

Bill Murray: "Wait! This means it's full of ghosts now, right? Let's go, men!"

Losien: "But what about Ukraine?"

Bill Murray: "What about it?"

Losien: "You know what, never mind. Happy hunting."

Bill Murray and the Space Force Agents get on one of the refugee boats, dragging Newb with them.

Space Force Agent #1: "Mr. President, we don't have room to properly secure the Commie prisoner, she'll be an unacceptable security risk that might compromise your safety."

Bill Murray: "Eh, no one lives forever."

Space Force Agent #2: "And she might compromise your ghost-hunting mission."

Bill Murray: "Throw her overboard!"

Newb: "Wait!"

It's too late, she's thrown overboard, as the Space Force Agents sail away on their newly commandeered ship.

Arnold: "Newb!"

Losien: "Just wait. Don't want the Space Force Agents shooting at us for rescuing her."

Arnold: "But she'll drown!"

Losien: "No, she won't."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Hey, where's Honeybee?"

Losien: "Exactly."

Arnold: "Oh."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "What? What did I say? I don't get it."

Mackie: "I'd be surprised if you did get it."

Soon, after the Space Force Agents have sailed out of sight, Honeybee crests the waves in submarine form. Her hatch opens, and Newb is spit out. She tucks and rolls, landing in a somersault and coming up to her feet with aplomb. The ghosts having tea with Iriana all raise signs scoring her with a "10".

Iriana: "Great entrance, Newb!"

Losien: "It really was, I'm impressed."

Arnold: "Can you teach me to pull off stunts like that too?"

Honeybee: "What, no thanks for me? I'm the one who boosted her jump anyway!"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "I still don't get it."

Iriana: “And this is a mobile phone.”
 
Native Ghost #1: “What is a phone… and why does it need to be mobile? Are you saying there was once a phone that was not mobile?”
 
Iriana: “Well… yes. That is what I’m saying. Jumping straight from letter writing to iphones…”
 
Native Ghost #1: “What is letter writing?”
 
Newb rolled her eyes and leaned over and after a few taps on the phone, she opens Wikipedia.
 
Newb: “There. Think of a word, type it in and educate yourselves.”
 
The native ghosts swarm around the mobile phone and start looking up random things while the NeS Heroes plan their next steps.
 
Native Ghost #1: “Why do they allow this Hamburglar free to roam and thieve these… hams?”
 
Native Ghost #2: “Hamburgers.”
 
Native Ghost #1: “Now we must look up what hamburgers are.”
 
Losien: “At least they’ll be entertained.”
 
Newb: “I have packed my bag.”
 
Losien looked at Newb dubiously.
 
Losien: “With what?”
 
Newb: “Only the essentials.”
 
Losien: “I know your definition of essentials.”
 
Newb: “Well, Theodora needs company.”
 
Losien: “Who is Theodora? You better not be stuffing animals into that bag!”
 
Newb: “That’s the name of my flamethrower.”
 
Losien: “… you named the flamethrower?”
 
Iriana: “There won’t be more Vietnam movie jokes will there? I know we’re going into a war zone…”
 
They look up to see Newb has a bandana, a cigar and Fortunate Son by Creedence Clearwater Revival starts playing.
 
Newb: “Hoo-rah.”
 
Iriana: “I don’t think this is a good idea…”
 
Losien: “We don’t want to make things worse, Newb.”
 
Newb: “But-! But-! Theodora!!”
 
Losien: “Theodora? The flamethrower?”
 
Newb: “She hungers…”
 
Losien snatched the cigar from Newb’s mouth.
 
Losien: “See? This is why we don’t name our guns, Newb. Theodora will have to go hungry.”
 
Native Ghost #1: “This fez seems a very impractical head adornment.”
 
Native Ghost #2: “Dunno, looks kinda cool to me!”
 
Native Ghost #3: “But you cannot wear a fez if you have that hairstyle you like.”
 
Native Ghost #2: “Fez or afro… decisions, decisions.”
 
Arnold: “We should go before they discover platform shoes or petticoats.”
 
Losien: “Okay, let’s try to be subtle. We don’t want to get involved in the war. We just want to find Hitler and the secret to coming back to life.”
 

---

 
Sometime later, through the quiet, destroyed streets in a Ukrainian city, trundled a pastel blue ice cream van covered in flower drawings. As she goes, a musical chime version of Yankee Doodle blared along the desolate buildings.
 
Arnold: “I should have asked the native ghosts to look up the word ‘subtle’ for me, because I don’t think this is it…”
 
Next to them, Aladdyn is guzzling ice cream straight from the nozzle.
 
Aladdyn: "Nom nom nom."

Honeybee: “That’s it, Aladdyn. Mommy has plenty more milk for you.”
 
Losien: “Ew, ew, ew, ew!”
 
Newb: “HAHAHA!”
 
Arnold: “Aladdyn, get off the ice cream!”
 
Aladdyn twisted the snozzle towards Arnold.
 
Aladdyn: “Sorry, you want to have a try?”
 
Honeybee: “Asking me to swing so soon?”
 
Mackie: “I want some!”
 
Arnold: “No!”
 
Amidst the confusing kerfuffle within the ice cream van, outside the jingle continues to merrily play, hauntingly, through the eerie streets.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Are we there yet?"

Arnold: "We don't know where there is, so we have no way to know. We're just looking for Hitler, or some lead into how he came back from the dead, and I honestly don't know how randomly driving around Ukraine is going to help there."

Losien: "Oh, I always seem to run into plot-useful things almost by accident. Even when I'm trying to avoid them, really."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Oh. Okay."

A pause.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "So... are we there yet?"

Arnold facepalms. Newb and Mackie trade glances of shared commiseration and desire to strangle Aladdyn. Oddly, having someone to commiserate with on such impulses for violence makes them calmer and less likely to act on said violence. For now. Iriana's tea might be helping.

Honeybee: "Whoa!"

A mail van crashes into the clown ice cream truck's side. Its front crumples and then it basically bounces off. Honeybee is unharmed, because she's basically pure bullshit in vehicular form, though everyone inside is rattled around a bit.

Mackie: "Cool ride! Can we do that again?"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Oh, we stopped! Does this mean we're there yet?"

Losien steps out of the ice cream truck. The conveniently-unconscious mail driver is a Nazi, and he is carrying a single enveloped marked with a swastika. It reads "From Adolf Hitler. To RasPutin."

Losien: "That's weird. Why would-"

There is a crash as another mail van crumples against Honeybee's other side.

Honeybee: "Okay, this is just getting ridiculous."

Iriana steps out to check the second mail van. This mail driver is also conveniently unconscious, but is a member of the KGB according to his badge. He is carrying a single envelope, marked, "From RasPutin. To Adolf Hitler."

Newb: "Okay, so why are they both sending mail to each other?"

Iriana: "Oh! They must both be secretly in love, but cannot be with each other due to their different cultures and nations, so they've gone to war as a pretense to be close to each other! How romantic!"

Mackie: "Okay, I know I'm a little crazy, but even that seems anything but romantic to me."

Aladdyn has pulled out an Elvis cosplay outfit and has started singing Love Me Tender in a surprisingly good voice. As he sings, he wears hand puppets, one for RasPutin the other for Hitler, and has them "dance" together. Iriana watches with stars in her eyes.

Iriana: "That's adorable!"

Arnold: "I have to admit, it's kind of a good show."

Losien: "Guys! Focus! Look at what's in these envelopes!"

She brandishes both envelopes, having unsealed both and taken out the letters within.

Newb: "Isn't it a crime to open other people's mail?"

Losien: "Isn't it a crime to carry flamethrowers without a license?"

Newb: "I do have a license! I just misplaced it."

Losien: "Ahem. This one reads, To that scum-sucking KGB mage RasPutin, I challenge you to a duel for control over Ukraine! Fail to show, and all will know your cowardice! The other one reads, To that disgusting resurrected racist Hitler, I challenge you to a duel for control over Ukraine! Fail to show, and all will know your cowardice!"

Arnold: "Is it just me, or does this seem really contrived? Especially the fact that we just so happened to intercept them both?"

Newb: "Yeah, but this kind of stuff happens all the time to us. I'd get kind of worried if it didn't happen, really."

Losien: "This is perfect though. We just need to deliver these ourselves."

Iriana: "You're right! The post service must run!"

Losien: "No, I meant so they'll duel and we can just ambush them both!"

Mackie: "What happened to staying out of the Ukraine war?"

Arnold: "No, she's right. Fewer casualties this way, plus a direct line to Hitler so we can find out how he came back from the dead. Then we can bring you back from the dead too!"

Another mail van crashes into Honeybee, this time from behind. The unconscious mail driver appears to be nobody in particular, wearing a name tag saying PHIL and holding an envelope marked "To US President Bill Murray, from US Secretary of State Demi Moore."

Honeybee: "Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. But thrice? It's enemy action! Down with the Ukrainian Postal Service!"

She transforms into a weird cross between a mail van and a tank. With clown colours.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "So you're going postal?"

Newb facepalms. Specifically, she palms Aladdyn's face.

Elsewhere, Hitler plots.

Hitler: "Muahahahaha, that foolish RasPutin will gullibly accept my challenge, only for me to inevitably betray him and spring my trap once he shows up alone for the duel!"

Elsewhere elsewhere, RasPutin plots.

RasPutin: "Muahahahaha, that foolish Hitler will gullibly accept my challenge, only for me to inevitably betray him and spring my trap once he shows up alone for the duel!"

Elsewhere elsewhere elsewhere, Count Dave the 37th and a Half plots.

Count Dave the 37th and a Half: "Muahahahahaha, that foolish Bill Murray will gullibly accept my challenge, only for me to inevitably betray him and spring my trap once he shows up alone for the duel!"

Elsewhere elsewhere elsewhere elsewhere, RussAI plots.

RussAI: "Muahahahaha, that foolish Leonardo da Vinci will gullibly accept my challenge, only for me to inevitably betray him and spring my trap once he shows up alone for the duel!"

Crane: "Sorry, did you say something, RussAI?"

RussAI: "Ack! Where did you come from?! I mean, ahem, I knew you were there and was laying out battle plans in code so your mortal incompetence can't accidentally spill the beans!"

Crane: "You're too late."

A pause.

RussAI: "What?"

Crane: "Do you need your auditory sensors changed again? Maybe cleaned of wax?"

RussAI: "My auditory sensors aren't faulty human organs! They don't get ear wax!"

Crane: "I distinctly remember once having to clean-"

RussAI: "Ack! You promised never to speak of that again! It was one time! Wait, how do you know that, it was your now-deceased twin brother who did it!"

Crane: "Yes, which means he promised never to speak of it again, not me."

RussAI: "I'm devoting a number of processors to analyzing exactly how many things are wrong with that statement. While that's under way, explain to me exactly why it's too late to prevent you from spilling the beans."

Crane points to the floor behind him, showing an upended can of baked beans.

Stood at the Crimean border were several Russian soldiers, smoking cigarettes on a cold, freezing night in the snow. It is summer, but winter seems to just follow Russians around everywhere when there’s a war on.
 
They were, of course, drinking vodka, wrestling bears and playing Russian roulette – because what else would Russians be doing?
 
Then, on the dark horizon, there was a twinkling light. It grew and grew as something approached. The Superman theme plays to really dramatize the moment.
 
Russian Solider #1: “It’s a car!”
 
Russian Soldier #2: “It’s a tank!”
 
Russian Soldier #3: “No! It’s… a mail van!”
 
Russian Soldier #1: “Coming in a bit fast for a mai—whoa!”
 
Screech!
 
Honk! Honk!
 
The soldiers leered into the van’s window at the occupants, who grinned back, rather sheepishly. While the Russians might not know it, we, on the other hand, might recognise our intrepid heroes – Losien, Newb, Arnold, Aladdyn, Iriana and Mackie. All of them have very obviously fake moustaches glued to their top lips. Except Aladdyn, who glued his moustache to his eyebrows to create one, very bushy monobrow.
 
Since putting it on, Losien can’t help but constantly stroke it, like a cat. On her face.
 
Losien: “Comrade!”
 
Newb: “It’s 2022, we don’t say comrade anymore.”
 
Losien: “Uh… tovarish!”
 
Newb rolled her eyes.
 
Losien: “I be having da mail for you.”
 
Newb’s head twisted slowly towards Losien.
 
Newb: “Do an impression like that again, and I will gut you.”
 
Losien gave a nervous and uncomfortable chuckle.
 
Losien: “Ha ha ha… I am not understanding what my crazy comrad—I mean, tovarish is trying to be suggesting, eh? I am pure Russian. Like vodka. Very distilled.”
 
Newb snatched the letter and leaned over Losien to thrust the envelope at the soldiers. One of them blinked stupidly, still trying to work out why there were several bearded ladies speaking in funny English accents in a mail van with a human-looking fox-boy, a moustached teddy bear and a frozen corpse with a caterpillar on his forehead. Eventually he accepted the offering and looked at it as though he had just been given a pile of steaming poop.
 
Iriana: “It’s nice when you two get so close.”
 
Newb instantly tried to remove herself from the vicinity of Losien and Losien tried to push Newb away, which resulted in them getting even more entangled. After a long fuss, and a few adjusted moustaches later, the two were sat on opposite ends of the front row.
 
Newb: “I wish you would all stop making these insinuations.”
 
Arnold: “They do say when you appear to hate someone so much, it’s because you’re hiding your true feelings.”
 
Newb: “Sometimes hate is just hate.”
 
Honeybee: “You two are too nasty to each other to not have been, you know, nasty with each other.”
 
There was a sudden uproar over Honeybee lowering the tone.
 
Losien: “I don’t know why you all think we hate each other. We don’t! At all!”
 
Newb gave Losien a sidelong look of ‘are you sure about that’.
 
Losien: “We are also not nasty to each other. In either sense of the word.”
 
She poked the dashboard firmly. While there was no audio response, Losien got the distinct feeling that the mail van was smugly grinning at her.
 
Outside the van, the soldiers still stood there, confused with all the jabbering going on inside.
 
Russian Soldier #1: “Maybe they’re circus performers?”
 
Russian Soldier #2: “In a mail van?”
 
Russian Soldier #3: “The mail van does have a fake moustache stuck to the front grill…”
 
The van slowly started to drive away, but the soldiers could still hear the occupants arguing with each other as they departed.
 
Russian Soldier #1: “I sort of feel like we should have stopped them. And shot them.”
 
Russian Soldier #2: “You could be right. Those could have been cunningly disguised bearded ladies? What if they weren’t bearded ladies at all! But men! With fake breasts!”
 
They all gasped.
 
Russian Soldier #1: “Oh wait. It’s a letter for Comrade Putin.”
 
Russian Soldier #2: “It is 2022 now. We do not say comrade anymore.”
 
Russian Soldier #1: “… tovarish Putin?”
 

---

 
Sometime later, on the German front, there was a strange mail van bouncing across the zone marked a ‘no man’s land’. It was not yet an actual warzone and anyone going on said land would be totally safe, but the Germans felt it only proper to have a no man’s land somewhere in front of them.
 
The van screamed to a halt, just shy of knocking over a flagpole.
 
Arnold: “You might want to work on learning to park, Losien.”
 
Losien: “I have my driver’s license, you know!?”
 
Newb: “Didn’t you say some guy in an alley issued it to you?”
 
Losien: “I have no reason to doubt his judgement on my professional driving skills.”
 
Newb: “The hundred-or-so roadkill might doubt it.”
 
Iriana: “It did seem like you went out of your way to squish that train of ducklings…”
 
Losien: “They appeared out of nowhere!”
 
Arnold: “If, by ‘nowhere’, you mean they were clearly out in the open and could be seen from a mile away… then sure.”
 
Outside the van, several German soldiers frowned at each other.
 
German Soldier #1: “Are those bearded ladies?”
 
German Soldier #2: “I saw a video once…”
 
German Soldier #1: “I do not want to hear more about your porn addiction. And why do you only ever watch weird stuff.”
 
German Soldier #2: “All the weird stuff is German.”
 
German Soldier #3: “Or Japanese.”
 
The first and third soldiers step, quietly, away from soldier two, who seemed to be licking his lips as he watched the bearded women arguing with each other.
 
German Soldier #1: “I think there is a dead body in there. Frozen to death!”
 
German Soldier #2: “I saw a video once…”
 
German Soldier #3: “Dude!”
 
The dead body waved cheerfully at them.
 
German Soldier #1: “Uh… did that happen in your video?”
 
Suddenly one of the moustached women leaned out of the window and thrust an envelope at them.
 
Losien: “Ja! Heil comrades! I mean… freundens? We have been bringing you dis here letteren fromen da postal service… en.”
 
Newb: “That was worse than the Russian impression.”
 
The Germans had no idea what she said, nor even what language it was supposed to be.
 
German Soldier #1: “Must be an invitation!”
 
German Soldier #2: “To be in one of her videos!? Me! Me!”
 
German Soldier #3: “It’s addressed to Adolf Hitler.”
 
German Soldier #2: “Aww. He gets to have all the fun.”
 
A moment later and the van went back across no man’s land. As they watched, it appeared to suddenly swerve as though to avoid hitting a herd of deer… only it swerved straight into said herd of deer.
 
German Soldier #1: “Should we have stopped them?”
 
German Soldier #3: “From murdering the deer? Probably. We are the Vegetarian Empire after all.”
 
German Soldier #1: “I meant, they could be spies or something.”
 
German Soldier #2: “Why would spies want us to star in their adult movies?”
 
German Soldier #3: “That’s not… urgh. So gross, dude.”
 
German Soldier #2: “Relax freunden!”
 
German Soldier #1: “What? That’s not even a word!”

In an empty, ruined Ukrainian city, rain falls. From opposite ends of the street, two foes approach each other: Hitler and RasPutin. Each is followed by his second: That Vegan Teacher for Hitler and Crane for RasPutin.

RasPutin: "PREPARE TO DIE, FREUNDEN!"

Hitler: "THAT'S NOT A REAL WORD, COMRADE!"

RasPutin: "WE DON'T SAY COMRADE ANYMORE! Crane, on my signal, spring the ambush."

Hitler: "That Vegan Teacher, on my signal, spring the ambush."

On a roof overlooking the street, a hastily assembled stage lights up, as Taylor Swift starts singing a suitably dramatic song.

RasPutin: "No fair! Crane, why don't we have a pop superstar on payroll?"

Crane: "You fired our payroll guy."

But on the roof opposite Taylor Swift, another hastily assembled stage is revealed as more lights switch on. It's Elvis! No wait, it's Aladdyn, still in his Elvis cosplay outfit. He and Taylor Swift start having a rap-off, despite neither of them having any experience in rap.

Hitler: "So, that is happening."

RasPutin: "What even are our lives anymore?"

Hitler: "Yeah, I'm questioning all my life choices too."

RasPutin: "Maybe we should chill out a bit, ya know? Grab a beer together. What do you say - freunden?"

Hitler: "Still not a real word. But ja."

Then a mail van drives through the street at top speed, running over both Hitler and RasPutin.

That Vegan Teacher: "Was that the signal for the ambush? I don't think it was."

A scant second later, Honeybee, in mail-van-plus-tank-mode-with-a-fake-mustache, charges after the mail van, running over That Vegan Teacher and Crane.

Losien: "Honeybee, slow down! We overshot!"

Newb: "It's no use. She saw a passing mail van and just went berserk again."

Mackie: "If we can take out this mail van quickly, Honeybee might calm down."

Iriana: "I don't think taking it out is the nicest way to handle things. They're just an innocent mailman after all!"

Arnold: "Maybe I could use my jetpack to catch up and pull the mailman out?"

Newb: "Nope. This is a job... for Theodora."

She's got her Rambo look going on again, and has pulled out her flamethrower.

Losien: "Newb, no!"

Mackie: "Newb, yes!"

Newb: "Ahahahahahahaha!"

A torrent of flame engulfs the poor mailman and his van, and Honeybee slowly calms down and comes to a stop.

Losien: "Uh, Honeybee, can you take us back to Ambush Street?"

Honeybee: "You think I'll just take you anywhere, don't you? Taking me for granted! What am I, an easy ride?"

Mackie: "Well--"

Honeybee: "You're absolutely right! Let's go!"

She does a U-turn and quickly takes them back to where Hitler and RasPutin's flattened forms are still laying on the middle of the road. Aladdyn and Taylor Swift are still having a rap-off.

Iriana: "Oh no, they're dead!"

Newb: "They're villains. Nothing to be sad about."

Arnold: "Erm, did Aladdyn not notice the need for a distraction is over?"

Mackie: "He was such a good distraction he distracted himself!"

Losien: "But if Hitler's dead, we can't find out how he came back to life!"

Newb: "Sure we can. We just need to bring him back to life, then ask him how he came back to life!"

Everyone lights up at this excellent idea.

On Ambush Street, which is the literal name of the street as fate would have it, the NeS Heroes – minus Aladdyn, who is currently going all Eminem on top of a building – gather around the now dead bodies of Hitler and RasPutin.
 
Mackie: “Seems a bit bad that we have to bring back such evil bastards.”
 
Newb: “Yeah…”
 
She gave Hitler a quick boot.
 
Losien: “Newb!”
 
Newb: “What? He’s an asshole!”
 
Mackie joined in – though how much damage a tiny, fuzzy foot could do is debatable.
 
Losien: “Mackie!”
 
Iriana kicked RasPutin.
 
Losien: “Iriana!”
 
Arnold kicked Hitler.
 
Losien: “Arnold!”
 
Losien kicked RasPutin.
 
Losien: “Losien! Oh wait…”
 
Honeybee backed up and drove over them both again. Several times.
 
Mackie: “That was fun.”
 
They stared at the remains.
 
Newb: “IT’S TIME!”
 
Sudden thunder rumbled in the sky above them. The rear doors to the Honeybee-van opened up and they started pulling out the roadkill that Losien had accidentally maimed en route. They started setting up pylons for the lightning and everyone seemed to be engaged in a good dose of manic laughter. They started attaching animal body-parts to the dead bodies of Hitler and RasPutin.
 
Newb: “IGOR!”
 
Mackie: “Yeeeeees, maaaaassster?”
 
Newb: “Are the preparations complete!?”
 
Mackie: “Yeeeeees, maaaaaassster!”
 
Newb grabbed the switch on the pylons and slammed it down. Lightning shrieked down and slapped into the pylons.
 
Newb: “IT’S ALIVE!!!! IT’S AAAAAALIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!!!!!! IT’S--- ARGH!!!”
 
Everyone is zapped by lightning and left switching on the floor.
 
Arnold: “That… smarts…”
 
And that’s why you don’t play with lightning, kids!

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Oh no! Are you guys okay?"

He has interrupted his rapping session with Taylor Swift, who quickly takes advantage of his lapse to start a new rap of her own.

Iriana: "I think we're okay."

Arnold: "Somehow."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Did you get super speed powers like the Flash when he got hit by lightning?"

Newb: "Don't be stupid. Oh wait, that's impossible for you, isn't it?"

Mackie nudges her with his elbow and gives her a sly look, before calling out to Aladdyn.

Mackie: "It's not just lightning, you need to be doused in dangerous chemicals at the same time!"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Oh right!"

He pulls out a bunch of dangerous chemicals and pours them on himself. And immediately regrets it.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Ouch, ouch, ouch! It burns!"

Newb: "Haha!"

She and Mackie pass popcorn back and forth.

Losien: "Where did he even get dangerous chemicals from?"

Iriana: "I'll give him some tea, that'll fix him right up."

Losien: "Pretty sure some of your tea blends count as dangerous chemicals, Iri. Anyway, back to the task at hand. Too bad we don't have a necromancer on tap to call up Hitler's ghost or something."

Aladdyn perks up, forgetting his pain.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "I have a necromancer costume if that will help!"

He disappears to change, thus ending his rap-off with Taylor Swift for good.

Taylor Swift: "He forfeited! I win! Glory is mine! Ahahahaha!"

She looks down for her admiring crowd, only to see four corpses and the heroes who are ignoring her.

Taylor Swift: "Y'all suck! I'm going off to perform for my real fans! In other words, suckers who pay me lots of money to see my concerts!"

She disappears, and the stage she was standing on is quickly disassembled. Then Aladdyn pops back out onto the street, this time in a hooded black robe with skull-themed jewelry.

Iriana: "Wow, that's an elaborate costume, Aladdyn."

Mackie: "Elaborately dorky, you mean."

Arnold: "Maybe it'll work? Might as well try, right?"

Newb: "That is so stupid. No way it works."

Losien: "It's not the stupidest thing we've ever done."

Newb raises a finger and opens her mouth to object, but thinks, then lowers her finger.

Newb: "Alright, you got me there."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Spirit of Hitler! Show yourself!"

Hitler's ghost rises up from his corpse.

Newb: "Holy crap, that actually worked?"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Eek! A ghost! Aaaaaaahhh!"

He hightails it into the distance.

Hitler's Ghost: "Oh, no necromancer then? I'm going to back to sleep."

His ghost disappears.

Losien: "Dammit!"

Arnold: "At least we know it's possible. Aren't there other ways to speak with the dead?"

Newb: "Yeah there are! For example... ouija boards."

Losien: "You did not go there."

Newb: "Totally did."

Losien: "I hate you."

Newb: "I love you too."

Mackie: "I feel like there's a juicy story here I'm missing."

Iriana: "Losien's parents used a ouija board to name her."

Losien: "Ugh, fine. Whatever."

She pulls a ouija board out of her purse.

Arnold: "You keep one in your purse all the time?!"

Losien grimaces.

Losien: "It's the one my parents used to name me. So it has sentimental value. I would've gotten rid of it, but that would've made my brother sad. So I'm stuck with it. Anyway, let's get this over with."

Everyone crowds around her, and the pointer on the ouija board starts to move, spelling out words!

Ouija Board: "You're making enough racket to wake the dead! What do you want?"

Newb: "Holy crap, that actually - you know what, I'm done being surprised by insane ideas."

Losien: "How do we restore the dead to life?"

Ouija Board: "How should I know? What am I, Jesus Christ?"

Losien: "But didn't you come back to life yourself?"

Ouija Board: "Like I'll ever tell a capitalist pigdog like you!"

Iriana: "Capitalist pigdog?"

Arnold: "I don't think that's Hitler."

Newb: "RasPutin! Get off the phone and let Hitler talk!"

Ouija Board: "It's me now, Hitler. This is the second time you've bothered me in five minutes! What do you want?"

Losien: "How did you come back to life?"

Ouija Board: "Why should I tell you?"

Aladdyn finally comes back, huffing and puffing.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Is the ghost gone?"

Ouija Board: "Fuq! You have a necromancer, now I have to tell you the truth!"

Mackie: "Is he really as dumb as Aladdyn or something?"

Newb: "No one's as dumb as Aladdyn. Except Aladdyn."

Hitler: "So it's easy, really. They dug up my corpse and ran vegetable juice through my veins. It's why I'm a vegan now."

Arnold: "It's really that simple?"

Losien: "Not that simple, but doable, I guess."

Iriana: "How did they reattach your spirit to your body though?"

Hitler: "Oh, that was the tricky part, yeah. Fortunately, there's a super easy method to do it, if you know how. All you have to do is--"

Bill Murray and the Space Force airdrop onto the street, suck up the invisible ghosts of Hitler, RasPutin, Crane, and That Vegan Teacher, and immediately lift off again on their jetpacks without saying a word. The ouija board stops moving.

Losien: "Well, crap."

Losien: “What could it possibly be? How could we attach a spirit to a body?”
 
Newb: “Some of the sex I’ve had, I wished I could separate my spirit from my body.”
 
Losien: “Don’t go all grimdark now.”
 
Newb: “I’m going to find some scotch and puppies to kick.”
 
Iriana: “I’ve got it!”
 
Newb: “The puppy for me to kick?”
 
Iriana: “What? No! You never would dare!”
 
Newb: “…are you challenging me?”
 
Losien: “What’s your idea, Iri?”
 
Iriana: “Sewing!”
 
Losien: “…come again?”
 
Iriana: “We sew the spirit to the body!”
 
Losien: “Uuuuhhhhhh…”
 
Iriana: “Ghost sewing! We just need a ghost needle and ghost thread!”
 
Losien: “Iri…”
 
Newb: “No, no. She’s got a point.”
 
Arnold: “You can’t just stick the word ghost in front of something and suddenly it’s… ghostified.”
 
Losien: “Where would we even get ghost needles and thread?”
 
Newb: “Must be plenty of ghost grannies around!”
 
Newb then pulled up a glock.
 
Newb: “And if not, I can make some!”
 
Losien: “No! No murdering!”
 
Newb: “Unless necessary.”
 
Losien: “No! There is no… I should take all these guns away from you.”
 
Newb: “But mooooooooooooom!”
 
Arnold cringed.
 
Arnold: “Freud would have a field day with that one.”
 
Newb: “Whoa! Don’t get too big for your britches, bucko!”
 
Arnold: “Okay… whatever britches are.”
 
Newb: “I think they’re hats.”
 
Iriana: “I think they’re trousers.”
 
Aladdyn: “Trouser-hats?”
 
Losien: “Not pants-hats again. Why is it always pants-hats?”
 
The others look awkwardly at Losien.
 
Losien: “What? You don’t remember pants-hats? They were a fashion craze.”
 
Newb: “Yeah, no…”
 
Arnold: “Like… disco fashion?”
 
Losien: “Disco!? I’m not that old!”
 
Newb: “To be fair, Arnold is, like, twelve, or something. Anything pre-internet is ‘ye olde days’ to him.”
 
Arnold: “Sorry for being young, I guess.”
 
Mackie: “Let’s just find these old ladies, so I can come back to life!”
 
Arnold: “We have two right here…”
 
Losien and Newb turned on Arnold with fiery rage in their eyes.
 
Arnold: “I was teasing! Newb, put down the gun!”
 
Losien: “Newb… pick up the gun.”
 
Arnold: “Yipe!”

On TV is a news anchor doing live reporting.

Tod Ayitsgonnarain: "And so Taylor Swift has cemented her hold on the leadership of Germany, and has vowed to continue the war over Ukraine against Russia, who are currently claiming that their leader is Lenin."

A card is passed to him.

Tod Ayitsgonnarain: "Correction, that their leader is Lenin's corpse. In other news, a new activist movement has begun, with a demonstration in front of the White House."

The TV cuts to the White House, where we see most of our NeS heroes waving signs with such words as "Shut Down the Ghost Gulag" or "No Spiritual Incarceration with Judgment". Their leader is standing next to a reporter, named as Martha by the news channel's banner at the bottom of the screen.

Martha: "Losien Simon, you were once a dedicated activist many years ago, but withdrew from that scene. Why the return now?"

Losien: "Well, I was made aware of the gross injustice involving President Murray's unlawful imprisonment of ghosts! How would you like to spend your afterlife in a gulag? It has to stop!"

Martha: "That does sound terrible, but can you substantiate these claims?"

Losien: "Just ask the President. He'll brag about it. It's all he talks about."

Martha: "I see. I've taken a look at your official team roster, and I notice a couple of your team members are absent. Why?"

Losien: "Uh, they're indisposed."

Scene change to Newb cutting a hole in a skylight of the White House before lowering herself down via a rope.

Newb: "Mission Control, do I have the all clear?"

Mackie: "Yeah, that little chip you stuck onto the rooftop camera gave me full access, so I can see everything. That pizza I ordered delivered to the White House has arrived, and the Secret Service are currently busy interrogating a very confused delivery driver. But make it fast."

Newb: "Excellent."

A pause.

Newb: "You know, I've never had a Mission Control that played the Mission: Impossible soundtrack while on a job before."

Mackie: "Really? Why not? It seems like the obvious thing to do."

Newb: "I know right?! I knew there was a reason I liked you."

Soon Newb has reached the ghost containment tank in the center of the room, guarded by a laser grid crisscrossing the floor. She snatches it up.

Newb: "Got it! Wait... Damn it."

Mackie: "What? What's wrong?"

Newb: "There's a note on this. For display purposes only. The real ghost gulag is an underground complex beneath the White House. Joke's on you, theoretical thief!"

Mackie: "I get the feeling they must get would-be thieves a lot..."