Forums for The Plothole

Unfortunately, Arnold was too slow to avoid the descending blue catastrophe that was Aladdyn L. Quirk and the half-genie landed on top of Arnold, crushing the poor kid.
 
Aladdyn: “Lucky for this soft landing!”
 
Arnold: “Says… you… urgh…”
 
Goat: “Baaaaa.”
 
Aladdyn: “Hello Mrs Goat!”
 
Arnold frowned at Aladdyn, then looked at the goat and it’s monstrously oversized testicles, then back to Aladdyn.
 
Arnold: “I’m not even going to correct you—wait, where’s my bear!?”
 
Aladdyn: “I think it’s a goat.”
 
Arnold: “Not that!”
 
Arnold frantically started to rummage around, trying to find the possessed teddy bear.
 
Aladdyn: “Bears like honey, right? We can coax it out with honey from a bee’s nest!”
 
Arnold: “Not that kind of— No, wait!”
 
Too late. Aladdyn had found a random nearby nest and shoved his hand right in there. Arnold stared in horror at what he expected to happen next…
 
Aladdyn slowly turned his head, as though, in this final moment, his brain had caught up with him and realised what an error of judgement he had just made. There was a momentary pause, as Aladdyn seemed to be locked into this fraction of destiny. Then his mouth opened in a silent squeal, he yanked his hand out, which was now decimated by bee stings, and he clutched it in the air.
 
Arnold winced with empathy.
 
Then the bees came out of the nest.
 
Arnold: “Oh crap!”
 
Aladdyn: “I’m sooooooooorry! Please stop stinging meeeeeeee!!”
 
With tears flooding down his face, Aladdyn set off at a run that would impress the Road Runner. It wasn’t long before the bees gave up, but Aladdyn didn’t even seem to notice and Arnold just watched the blue streak running and running and running.
 
In circles. Of course.
 
The bees perched on a tree branch and just watched likewise, with little ‘beemused’ expressions.
 
Losien (all the way from the beach): “AARRGH! NOT THE PUNS!”
 
Arnold then spotted the teddy bear, stood near Aladdyn’s circular path. It stuck out its little, fuzzy foot.
 
Aladdyn: “WHOA!”
 
Aladdyn tripped on the tiny foot – somehow – and faceplanted the ground with a terrible groan of agony. Again, Arnold winced in empathy for the poor guy.
 
Then the bees started to get up, as though it was time to get back to work.
 
Arnold: “RUN, FORREST, RUN!!!”
 
The bees looked at Arnold.
 
Arnold: “I meant to say Aladdyn. Sorry. Uh… please don’t sting me?”

The bees swarmed him.

Arnold: "NOOO! NOT THE BEES!!! AAARGH-THEY'RE IN MY EYES! AAAAAAAARGH!!"

Nic Cage would have been proud of this performance (for reference - not the bees!)
 
Back at the beach, the three women are still enjoying the good life.
 
Iriana: “We could go and help them, then you can stop the puns.”
 
Losien: “We could… sure… or… we could not? I’m kind of happy taking a break like this. Getting drunk, relaxing, enjoying the sounds of nature!”
 
If ‘sounds of nature’ meant weapons fire from a tank and the cooing screams of flying reptiles.
 
Losien: “Besides…”
 
Losien leaned across the hot spring pool towards Iriana, with a finger to her lips like she was sharing a secret.
 
Losien: “I think I’m a bit drunk. Teeheehee.”
 
Newb: “We. Are. Totally. Drunk. Teeheehee!”
 
Losien: “Teeheeheeheehee!”
 
Newb: “Teeheeheeheeheeheeheeeeee- blub, blub!”
 
Iriana had to scramble to pull Newb from the pool water, where she had fallen down in a drunken stupor.
 
Losien: “You know what we need?”
 
Newb: “YES!”
 
Losien: “Oh.”
 
Newb: “Vodkaaaaaaaaaaaa!”
 
Iriana: “Aren’t you drunk enough?”
 
Newb: “Am I conscious?”
 
Iriana: “Apparently!”
 
Newb: “Then nyet! We need pure Russian vodka! To put hairs on your chest!”
 
Losien: “Ew. I don’t want hairs on my chest!”
 
Newb gave a wicked grin.
 
Newb: “I might have some chocolate syrup for your chest if that’s your thing?”
 
She gave an exaggerated wink.
 
Losien: “Next time, Iri, let her drown.”
 
Losien barely looked away from Iriana when a large bottle of vodka was shoved in her face.
 
Newb: “Today, you become a man my son!”
 
Losien snatched the bottle from Newb.
 
Losien: “Oh, I see. You’re thinking ‘soft Losien, she can’t handle her booze’, hmmm? My ex-boyfriend was Russian too, you know? I’ve had my share of alcohol!”
 
She jumped to her feet, ready for the chugging-contest. Both of them started to neck their respective bottles, much to the horror of Iriana.
 
Losien got half way down the bottle when she suddenly jerked and her face blanched.
 
Losien: “Oh no… I shouldn’t have eaten… the cheese and crackers…”
 
Iriana was quick enough to direct Losien away from the pool.
 
Losien: “Bllleeeeeeeeeeergh!”
 
Newb started cackling.
 
Newb: “HAHAHA! I KNEW IT! LOSIEN CA—ca---”
 
Newb fell face-first into the pool, forcing Iriana to save her again.

Then they see Elon Musk's driller go surging past, being chased by craptacular pterodactyls.

Newb: "So a genie, a teddy bear, and Elon Musk walk into a bar..."

As if by providence, a familiar voice purred into the ears of those riding the driller.
 
Honeybee: “Oooh! It’s nice to see a woman with a firm grip on such a big stick!”
 
Newb: “Argh!”
 
Newb released the control stick with horror and the massive machine suddenly whirled out of control, tumbling down a hill with everyone inside crashing and bashing against the sides of the interior.
 
The thing comes to a slow slide and an eventual stop at the bottom. There is a whole lot of groaning.
 
Honeybee: “I haven’t heard so many moans since—”
 
Losien: “Stooooooop. Where are you anyway?”
 
She noticed a small remote control car whir towards her, a little antenna on the top of it.
 
Honeybee: “Good things come in tight packages.”
 
Aladdyn: “Ha! I know that expression!”
 
Losien: “No you don’t. She said it wrong on purpose. I had no idea you could become so small, Honeybee.”
 
Newb: “Someone else can drive this thing.”
 
Iriana: “I can try!”
 
Newb: “After what Honeybee just said, I’d be too embarrassed to watch you do that.”
 
Losien rolled her eyes and grabbed the stick. She paused.
 
Losien: “Newb, stop looking at me.”
 
Newb: “There’s nowhere else to look!”
 
Honeybee: “Just lie back and think of England.”
 
Newb: “Why does everyone keep calling me English!? I’m Russian!”
 
Losien: “I think she was talking to me anyway.”
 
Losien pushed the stick and Elon’s big… driller… sprang to life.
 
Losien: “Urgh… Narrator…”
 
It’s not my fault! As I already said, it’s this damnable script!
 
Mackie: “Oooh! Look what I found!”
 
The teddy bear comes out of a closet with a whole lot of cannabis.
 
Newb: “Whoa! Musk just had all this in here!? What a cad!”
 
Losien: “Cad!? And you said you’re not English!”
 
The teddy bear lit up and, somehow, puffed on a spliff.
 
Arnold: “Mackie! No! This isn’t the place for that!”
 
Newb: “Pass the blunt, ya fuzzy bastard!”
 
Arnold: “Oh…”
 
The bear’s glass eyes seem to become even ‘glassier’ as he passes the illegal smoke to Newb, who draws on it too.
 
Mackie: “I found the cannabis next to the sex dungeon.”
 
Losien: “The what?”
 
Newb took the spliff from her mouth and grimaced at it.
 
Newb: “I hope it wasn’t too close to the sex dungeon?”
 
Iriana: “Here, I made another!”
 
Arnold gasped.
 
Arnold: “You too, Iriana!?”
 
Newb: “Are you kidding me? Iri’s a massive drug pusher! Haven’t you had one of her ‘funny teas’?”
 
Iriana scowled at Newb.
 
Iriana: “I don’t push! I procure.”
 
Honeybee: “If only I had an oral cavity…”
 
Aladdyn: “It’s okay, Honeybee. You have other cavities to put it in!”
 
Several started laughing, others just looked embarrassed and Aladdyn looked clueless.
 
Iriana passed Aladdyn her spliff and Newb suddenly looked very serious.
 
Newb: “Are you sure that’s a good idea? He’s retarded enough as it is.”
 
Arnold: “Not to mention those wish powers could… you know? Go off?”
 
Honeybee: “He can ‘go off’ on me any time.”
 
There is a definitely ‘smirk-shaped bumper’ on the front of the RC car.
 
Losien: “Let’s get this thing going!”
 
She was also now smoking the joint passed to her by Newb, while still steering the driller.
 
Arnold: “We’re going to die…”
 
Mackie: “Great! Then we can be ghost-buddies!”
 
Iriana squealed and suddenly ran away from Mackie.
 
Iriana: “Ghoooooooooost!”
 
Newb: “You’ve been sat with him for ages and now you’re scared?”
 
The driller bounced down another hill.
 
Arnold: “I’m going to hurl…”
 
Losien: “Not the motion sickness again! Why don’t you throw up when you use your jet pack?”
 
Arnold: “That’s not how motion sickness works! If I could see where we’re going—”
 
Mackie: “Mush! Mush!”
 
Honeybee: “I haven’t been ridden by a man this hard for many days!”
 
Mackie, the teddy bear, is now riding atop of Honeybee, the RC car, around the room.
 
Newb: “Days!? Who have you been with!?”
 
Honeybee: “I don’t kiss and tell!”
 
She paused.
 
Honeybee: “Who am I kidding? I kiss, shag, and everything in between and tell everything in great detail! So, I met this toaster over in the warehouse…”
 
Losien: “Oh no… I don’t want to hear about robot sex…”
 
Newb: “I do!”
 
Arnold: “But, wait, Mackie…”
 
Mackie: “Don’t worry, Arno, I’m not jealous. I believe sharing is caring.”
 
Arnold: “Ack! Not that! And I never knew you felt that way… But I meant… You’re a ghost – trapped in a teddy bear right now – but if you’re here with me now, maybe I can try to help you become human again!?”
 
Losien: “Uh oh…”
 
Arnold: “What?”
 
Losien: “I smell something.”
 
Newb: “It’s called weed.”
 
Losien: “No. It’s called plot.”
 
She turned to glare at Arnold.
 
Losien: “Don’t you dare come up with a questline now!”
 
Arnold: “B-b-but—”
 
Mackie: “Hey, d’you think it’s possible? Could I get a new body? How’d that work?”
 
Newb: “Could dig up a corpse and you could, you know, do the whole poltergeist thing on it?”
 
Iriana: “But a ghost is scary enough! Not a zombie too!”
 
Mackie: “I’d still be a poltergeist, not a zombie.”
 
Newb grinned.
 
Newb: “Could you have, like, ghost sex?”
 
Honeybee: “I’m happy to help you experiment, little bear…”
 
Arnold: “Gross.”
 
Losien: “Why am I the one to say this? But I did see that Adolf Hitler came back to life while we were going to Antarctica a while back. If he can come back to life than maybe your friend can?”
 
Mackie: “I’m right here, you know?”
 
Newb: “See, now you’re the quest giver, Losien!”
 
Losien sulked.
 
Losien: “I know. And I hate myself. Everything was so… pointless and now… we have to go and do stuff and plot and…”
 
Arnold: “We’re saving my friend! It’s a good cause!”
 
Mackie: “Stop talking about me like I’m not here, dammit!”
 
Aladdyn: “The probability of success is approximately one in five-hundred, not accounting for the ineptitude of you, my esteemed comrades, which would decrease our chances of success immeasurably. However, as we are in, what you may refer to in common parlance, a story, then, provided that the plot allows, we should find ourselves, inexplicably, victorious.”
 
There was a long silence as everyone stared at Aladdyn in shock and amazement.
 
Newb: “No. Fucking. Way.”
 
Arnold: “Weed makes him smart!?”
 
Aladdyn glanced at the spliff in his hand as though he had only just noticed it and was now considering it most intricately.
 
Aladdyn: “It does, indeed, appear that the depressant you term ‘cannabis’ has resulted in a cognitive lurch, if I am to be so bold as to stoke my own ego for a moment. It is quite ironic, indeed, that a substance that would render all of you with impaired psychological functionality has, unexpectedly, enhanced my own!”
 
Another stunned silence until Newb finally manages to grab her duffel bag.
 
Newb: “KILL IT WITH FIRE!”
 
Iriana: “Don’t kill him!”
 
Mackie: “Kill him, then he can be a ghost like me!”
 
Aladdyn: “I daresay your natural proclivity for violence does impede your ability to carry out even the most banal of quests, Newb.”
 
Newb: “And he insults me!? You’re gonna get it, you blue-bollocked bastard!”
 
Iriana and Arnold grab Newb to stop her getting out the flamethrower.
 
Mackie: “I like your friends, Arno.”
 
The bear looked up at Aladdyn.
 
Mackie: “Except you. You will never be his best friend. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!”
 
Mackie remembered he was trying to hack Aladdyn with the machete and Arnold had to split his deterrence for murder between both Newb and Mackie, grabbing them both.

They manage to get Mackie to calm down finally, but only because the hunger pangs caused by the joints kicked in, and everyone ravenously devours Elon Musk's stash of snacks inside the driller. Aladdyn stuffs too many potato chips in his mouth at once and coughs for a bit.

Losien: "You okay there?"

Newb: "He's fine."

Arnold: "How do you know?"

Losien: "She doesn't. She's hoping he isn't fine, and trying to keep us from helping him."

Newb: "You think you know me so well."

Losien: "Tell me I'm wrong."

Newb: "You're wrong."

Losien: "While looking me in the eye."

Newb: "Damn it!"

Aladdyn wheezes as he swallows the last of the chips.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "I'm okay! Smoking doesn't agree with me, I think. Too bad. I liked having a big voc... a big vocab... knowing lots of words."

Mackie: "Doesn't Miss Traffic Cone over here specialize in brewing meth? Hit her up."

Iriana: "Meth?! I make tea."

Mackie: "Close enough. You've got some of the good stuff, right? That'll make him loopy enough that he stops being an irritating idiot?"

Newb: "She does have some pretty loopy tea, come to think of it."

Iriana: "It's not loopy! It's just a... a relaxant!"

Losien: "You were drinking that relaxant earlier, and still haven't taken the traffic cone off your head."

Iriana: "What traffic cone?"

Losien: "Exactly."

Arnold is digging into a conveniently placed pack that contains Iriana's tea stash, looking for the loopy tea to make Aladdyn high and smart.

Newb: "Whoa there. Since when do you care about this?"

Arnold: "Maybe if Aladdyn is smart, Mackie won't want to kill him."

Newb: "Huh. Come to think of it, maybe if he's smart enough, I won't want to kill him."

She considers.

Newb: "Nah, I'll want to kill him anyway. But at least he won't be so annoying."

Arnold sits back in frustration.

Arnold: "I don't see the loopy tea in here!"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Wait, loopy tea is its name? I thought that was the name of some gasoline, and gave it to Honeybee when her tank ran low!"

They look to the side and see Honeybee flipping out, high as a kite.

Losien: "At least we have a quest objective now."

Newb: "Kill Aladdyn?"

Losien: "No!"

Arnold: "A quest to extract Loopy Tea(TM) from Honeybee's fuel tanks. All while she's high as a kite and making dirty jokes. Great."

Mackie: "Sounds fun! Will my machete help?"

Arnold plucks the machete from his hands and throws it far away.

Mackie: "Hey! Fun murder weapons don't just grow on trees, you know! What am I supposed to kill Aladdyn with now?"

Newb: "I have some spare guns..."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Oh! So we have a secondary quest objective now, right? To get Mackie a new weapon? Sounds like he really has an axe to find."

If synchronized facepalming were a sport, the rest of the team would win the gold.

Losien: “You know, you could be one of your clones? Instead of original Newb, who is Newb the Russian, you’re, like, Newb the American.”
 
Newb squinted her eyes at Losien.
 
Newb: “You think they are genetically engineer accents now?”
 
Losien: “We can test!”
 
Newb: “I am not letting you, of all people, anywhere near me with a syringe. I dunno where you’ll stick it!”
 
Losien: “I don’t need your DNA – though if we sold your DNA, I might be able to pay off the loans on the island…”
 
Newb: “What was that?”
 
Losien: “I said if we… fold your RNA, you might be able to lay off the lard on your…”
 
Losien points to Newb’s butt.
 
Losien: “Island.”
 
Mackie: “That doesn’t even make sense.”
 
Newb: “Oi! Are you saying I have a fat ass!?”
 
Losien: “Things have been slow lately, and you’ve been climbing up the mountain less…”
 
Mackie: “Well, I did get that royal flush, so maybe we can aaaaaaaaaall see just how big your island is!”
 
Somehow, the teddy’s face appears to have a wide, shit-eating grin – despite having exactly the same, non-animated features as always.
 
Newb: “I’m going to punt something in a—”
 
Suddenly Losien held a burger in front of Newb.
 
Newb: “I’m not fat!!”
 
Losien: “You want it, right? No American can resist a big, juicy burger!”
 
Newb: “You have a malicious streak, you know that?”
 
Losien: “Want fries with that?”
 
Newb: “…”
 
Losien: “EXTRA LARGE!?”
 
Newb: “Aaaaargh!”
 
Mackie: “You can eat burgers with your clothes off! I won! I got the royal flush!”
 
On cue, there was the sound of a very loud toilet flushing, intertwined with the sound of an elaborate bell. The door next to them burst open.
 
Aladdyn: “Wwwwwwwhew! DO NOT GO IN THERE!”
 
Everyone Else: “Eeeeeeew!”
 
Aladdyn: “The queen of England was just in there.”
 
Everyone else facepalmed at this truly bottom of the barrel joke.
 
Aladdyn: “Joke? What joke? Oh, hey Losien. If you’re here, who’s driving the driller?”
 
Losien pointed and they all turned to see Elon Musk grinning back at them – in his bee-knickers.
 
Everyone Else: “Eeew?”
 
Losien: “He’s agreed to drive us to Germany in exchange for me not publishing pictures of him in his bee-knickers on Twitter.”
 
Newb: “That’s our Losien. Such a big brain.”
 
Mackie: “And you’re the one with the big ass!”
 
Newb: “Oi!”
 
Mackie: “It’s a compliment!”
 
Newb: “Compliment my—… foot. Fine! You did win. At the expense of all that fur.”
 
They glanced at a mountain of teddy fur. Apparently he wasn’t very good at poker.
 
However, we interrupt this titillating sequence—
 
Audience: “Boooooooooo!”
 
To take you to another titillating sequence starring scantily-clad Iriana!
 
Audience: “Huzzah!”
 
Arnold: “When did I step onto the set of a porno?”
 
Elon Musk puts an arm around Arnold’s shoulders.
 
Elon: “Ah, my sweet summer child. You’ve never visited fanfiction.net? This is nothing.”
 
Arnold looked from Elon’s face, down to the bees and back up again.
 
Arnold: “I am very uncomfortable.”
 
And that’s all we have time for on today’s—
 
Audience: “Where’s our titillating sequence starring scantily-clad Iriana!?”
 
Uh…
 
In the sex dungeon – because apparently this driller has several floors now – Iriana, still dressed in nothing but tape and a traffic cone, is… giggling like a pillock because she’s totally stoned and doesn’t know what she’s doing.
 
Audience: “Boooooooooo!”
 
It’s okay! It’s okay! Newb it definitely completely naked now!
 
Audience: “Huzzah!!”
 
And that’s all the time we have for—ACK!! GET AWAY! IT’S NOT MY FAULT THE WRITER DOESN’T WANT TO WRITE FOR YOU PERVERTS! HELP! HELP! I’M BEING OPPRESSED! I KNOW IT’S A TIRED, USED LINE, SHUT UP! ACK! Those are for consensual bondage, not to be used as actual weapon—ACK! OUCH! I DIDN’T GIVE YOU A SAFETY WORD! ARGH!

Moby Dick the Oddly Warm and Welcoming Cowboy Pirate: "But first let me introduce you to my roommates of the past twenty years: Geppetto and Pinocchio!"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Oh! I know this one! 'I want to be a real joy! ' "

Newb: "You failed. You're a real pain."

They see two more men greet them. One is a wooden mannequin. While it might once have been a boy as in the story, enough time has passed that it is a middled-aged man now. Though how a wooden mannequin can age is... okay, well, that's hardly the weirdest thing about this story. The other is an extremely old man with a shock of white hair and a weathered face crinkled into a smile.

Mackie: "I know you! The mannequin is Pinocchio and the old man is Geppetto!"

Arnold thinks about how Moby Dick is the captain and Ahab is the whale.

Arnold: "No, I bet Geppetto is the mannequin and Pinocchio is the old man."

Pinocchio the Old Man: "Who you calling old, whippersnapper!"

Newb: "You, you old fart."

Geppetto the Wooden Mannequin: "Who you calling a wooden mannequin? I'm obviously a flesh and blood human!"

Everyone, including Moby Dick and Pinocchio the Old Man, looks around awkwardly at Geppetto the Wooden Mannequin's self-delusional proclamation. Iriana is the one to break the awkward silence.

Iriana: "Do you like tea?"

Geppetto the Wooden Mannequin: "Of course! What savage doesn't like tea?"

Iriana: "Then you're as human as they come, in all the ways that count!"

Losien: "So, now I'm curious how the three of you came to live with this whale..."

Captain Ahab the Whale: "IIIIIIiiiiiTTTTT'sssss NNNNNoooooooOOOOOOtttttt nnnnIIIIIIIIiiiiiicccccEEEE tttttOOOOoooooo ttttaaAAAAlllkkk AAAAbbbboooOOOOUUUUuuttt mmmYYYYyyyy wwwwEEEEeeeIIIIiiiggggHHHHtttt..."

Now travelling inside the whale’s mouth…
 
Iriana: “Would you like some more tea, Cap’n Ahab?”
 
Cap’n Ahab the Whale: “yyyeeeeeEEEEsssss pleeeEEEEEAAAAsssseeee.”
 
Iriana poured a tea into a dainty teacup and then tossed it onto the whale’s tongue.
 
Cap’n Ahab the Whale: “yyyuuuuuuuuuuUUUUUUuuuum!”
 
Losien: “Please don’t say ‘yum’ while I am inside your mouth…”
 
There was a pause and Losien turned and frowned at Newb.
 
Newb: “Huh? Oh right, I forgot Honeybee was left with the sinking island so I’m left with the witty lewd comments. ‘That’s what she said!’ Will that do?”
 
Losien: “The writing in this Story has seriously plummeted these days… can’t even get these rip-off character names the right way round.”
 
Newb: “Just wait until they start getting our names the wrong way round!”
 
Iriana: “Oh! I’d love to be called Losien! It’s such a pretty name!”
 
Losien: “Thanks!”
 
Newb: “She was named by a Ouija board, remember?”
 
Arnold: “I tried to contact Mackie with a Ouija board once. I wound up talking to Elvis. Turns out he was an alien!”
 
The others stared at him.
 
Arnold: “They said the drugs were necessary for the communication to work…”
 
Iriana: “But if a Ouija board is for contacting the dead, does that mean your parents stole a dead woman’s name and gave it to you!?”
 
Everyone: “GASP!”
 
Losien: “Oh, come on…”
 
WHO IS THE REAL LOSIEN? WHY DID LOSIEN STEAL THIS WOMAN’S IDENTITY!? WHEN WILL IRIANA TAKE OFF THAT TRAFFIC CONE!!!?
 
Iriana: “But I kind of like it. It’s like a really big crown!”
 
WHEN WILL GEPPETO BECOME A REAL BOY!!!!!!?
 
Geppetto the Wooden Doll: “I am a real boy, you bastard!”
 
HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE THE FAT-ASS WHALE TO TRAVEL TO GERMANY!!!!!!!!?
 
Cap’n Ahab the Whale: “heeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeey…”
 
Losien: “Hey, wait a minute! That’s it? This is the end of the Post!?”
 
You did say the writing quality dropped…
 
Losien: “That doesn’t mean you can just cu—”
 
The remainder of Losien’s rant has been cut for budgetary reasons.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "So what are gonna do? You did say we need to get crackin', right?"

Losien: "No, we need to get the kraken."

Newb: "Didn't a kraken capture us at Underwateropolis, the place with the shoggoths? Maybe it wants revenge for us escaping!"

Iriana: "Or maybe it just wants to invite us to tea!"

Ahab the White Whale: "WwweeEEElllLLL iiIIIttt iiiiSSSS mmmiiiiIIIIiiighttttyyyy fiiNNNEEEE teeeaaAAAA..."

Mackie: "I'm a teddy bear with no taste buds. I can't taste tea anymore." :(

Pinocchio the Old Man: "But Geppetto is a wooden mannequin with no taste buds, and he can taste tea just fine!"

Geppetto the Wooden Mannequin: "For the last time, I am not a mannequin!"

Arnold: "Well, at least he's not denying he's wooden now, that's progress, right?"

Moby Dick the Pirate: "Before we go any further, everyone needs to get name tags! It's hard to keep you lot straight!"

He passes out name stickers. Even the bewildered kraken gets a big sticker with a smiley face on it that says "HELLO My name is KRAKEN."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Losien, when did you switch names with Newb?"

Losien and Newb look down at their name stickers, and quickly switch them.

Moby Dick the Pirate: "And now you're changing your names back again? Y'all are being way too confusing."

Mackie: "Says the man who switched names with the famous whale."

Moby Dick the Pirate: "I'll have you know that Herman Melville got our biography all wrong! We're in ongoing litigation with his estate about the damage done to our reputation with that libel!"

As our heroes keep dickering about, they've totally forgotten the kraken, who is dejected at being ignored.

Kraken: "Phooey. The shoggoths at Underwateropolis take me for granted, and even these mortals don't give me the time of day!"

Ahab the White Whale: "IIii knoooOOOwww whAAAttt yOOOoouuuUUU meeeannnn!"

Kraken: "Can you cool it with the whistling voice? It's awfully hard to read."

Even harder for the writer to constantly type.

Kraken: "What the hell? Did you just hear a disembodied voice?"

Ahab the White Whale: "The one that just said someone is constantly typing down whatever I say? Nope, didn't hear anything like it."

Kraken: "Oh, okay then. Say, I noticed you stopped whistling."

Ahab the White Whale: "NoooOOOO I dddIIIIiidddNNNTTT. YYYYYyyyooUUUU saaaAAAAaaawww nOOoooothiiinnNNNG!"

Newb: “So the kraken is outside? What are we going to do?”
 
Losien: “Do we need to do anything? The whale seems to be having a good chatter with the thing?”
 
Cap’n Ahab the Whale: “dooooOOOOOoooo yOOoooU liiiIIIIiike tooooOOooo kniiIIIIiit?”
 
Kraken: “Love it! I knitted my nephew a sweater. It was a really big sweater with a dozen armholes – kraken, you know? – but I got there in the end! ACK---!!”
 
From the depths, something suddenly grabbed the kraken and dragged him further down into the darkness…
 
Cap’n Ahab the Whale: “iiiIIIiit waaAAAs niiiIIIIce tooOOOo meeEEEeet yOOOoooOOu! CaaaaaaAAll meeEEEEeeeEEEeee!”

Mackie: “Whoa! This giant squid is huge!”
 
Newb: “That’s because you’re a foot-tall teddy bear.”
 
They looked down at the foot-tall squid. Or she did, and he looked it dead in the eye.
 
Newb: “Is it me, or does this squid look… off?”
 
Moby Dick the Man: “That’s why we didn’t eat that one. Looks kind of… undead.”
 
Losien: “An undead squid?”
 
Moby Dick the Man: “Undead giant squid.”
 
Losien: “But it’s tiny.”
 
Mackie: “It bloody isn’t!”
 
Newb: “You’re tiny!”
 
Moby Dick the Man: “I think it’s a baby.”
 
Iriana: “You ate babies!?”
 
Newb: “You eat lamb.”
 
Iriana: “So?”
 
Newb: “So? So what’s lamb!?”
 
Iriana: “Sheep!”
 
Newb: “No. That’s mutton.”
 
Iriana stared at Newb is sudden horror and realisation.
 
Iriana: “So lamb is…”
 
Newb: “Baby sheep.”
 
Iriana: “Nooooooooooooo! I’m a monster!!!”
 
Newb: “Wait till you find out fruits are babies too…”
 
The undead squid flops about.
 
Losien: “What kind of undead is this?”
 
Arnold: “What kinds are there?”
 
Losien: “Zombies. Vampires. Ghouls. Mummies.”
 
Aladdyn: “Mummy is undead!!!?”
 
Losien: “Not your mummy.”
 
Mackie started poking the undead squid with a stick.
 
Arnold: “Dude, that is not appropriate.”
 
Mackie: “Just testing!”
 
The undead squid managed to snag the stick from Mackie’s teddy-paw and started to whack him with it.
 
Mackie: “Ow! Ow! Quit it! Ow! Save me!”
 
Arnold: “You kind of deserve it, but fine.”
 
Arnold reached out to grab the stick but, suddenly, the undead squid lurched at him and tried to bite him, forcing him to yank his hand back.
 
Losien: “Did that just try to bite you!?”
 
Newb: “Kill it with fire!!!”
 
Losien: “Get the napalm!”
 
Iriana: “But it’s so cute!”
 
Newb: “Do you wanna be bit? You’d be cute too, and undead!”
 
Iriana: “Being a necroid once was enough for me…”
 
Newb: “Napalm it is!”
 
Cap’n Ahab the Whale: “UuuuUUUUUuuuuh OoooooOOOOOOoooooOOoooh!”
 
Losien: “That doesn’t sound good.”
 
Newb: “You’re telling me, I wish she would stop with the whale talk.”
 
Outside, mummy-squid now slinked up from the depths and she is also undead. The giant squid is almost as large as the whale and then, from the darkness, re-emerges the kraken… also now undead.
 
Losien: “And undead giant squid and an undead kraken!?”
 
Arnold: “I guess ‘we’re screwed’ would be an understatement?”
 
The whale suddenly dove down to avoid teeth of the undead creatures and she started to swim faster than any whale should be able to.
 
Cap’n Ahab: “Shit! Shit! Shit! I mean--- ShiiiiIIIIiiiiIIIiiit!”