Forums for The Plothole

Arnold: “Well, Mackie’s body is here, in this crowd somewhere.”
 
Mackie: “It is!?”
 
They turn to the crowd of A.I. Controlled-corpses. Not being standard zombies, these corpses have vein-like tendrils from their bodies that marked their connection to the A.I. all the way in Russia. In corpses like RasPutin’s, the A.I. took care to make sure the tendrils were hidden by clothing, but these unfortunate corpses had been rapidly taken over by RussAI, so tendrils hung from their hands and heads. They were all in various states of decay, some were very old bodies from America’s history, while others were freshly deceased.
 
Spotting Mackie’s lone corpse amongst all this would be tricky.
 
Mackie: “Here, corpsey, corpsey, corpsey.”
 
Losien: “Maybe we should try to negotiate with RussAI for the body?”
 
Arnold: “But what could we offer him that he wants?”
 
They pause, then turn on RasPutin.
 
RasPutin: “Hey now, wait a minute! You need me, remember!?”
 
Newb: “We need the ghost you, not the corpse you!”
 
RasPutin: “This is what I get for playing nice with you people!”
 
The NeS Heroes dog-pile RasPutin.

Somehow the heroes and RasPutin have gotten into a game of Twister thanks to the dogpile.

Iriana: "Yellow!"

She teeters as she tries to slip her arm underneath Newb's armpit.

Iriana: "Almost... Got it!"

She stops herself from pumping her fist triumphantly just in time to keep from knocking herself over with the movement.

RasPutin: "My turn! Red! Ah, a good Soviet colour, the spirits of my ancestors shine on me!"

RasPutin's Ghost: "Forget them, because your own spirit definitely ain't shining on you."

RasPutin struggles to place his elbow on the nearest red spot, but wobbles slightly. Everyone holds their breath. Will he make it?

RasPutin: "Success!"

This is when Aladdyn's suitcase, late to the party, decides to join the dogpile and promptly drops onto RasPutin's head.

RasPutin: "Ow!"

He falls over. In a domino effect, soon the entire group has fallen over into a tangled pile.

Mackie: "Get off me, Losien! I can't breathe!"

Newb: "That's right, you can't breathe. Don't need to either. Remember?"

Mackie: "I need to get back in the habit, since I'm about to get my body back!"

Back in the Mad Scientist’s Laboratory;
 
PETA Member 2: “So the suit was a bust, what else do you have down here we can steal off you?”
 
Mad Scientist: “I have some crayons? Even you lot can’t do too much damage to yourselves with those.”
 
PETA Member 3: “Oh! There’s some plants over here!”
 
PETA Member 2: “Plants are always good!”
 
PETA Member 3: “But they’re genetically modified.”
 
PETA Member 2: “Noooo! How could you, mad scientist!? You think you can play God!?”
 
Mad Scientist: “All I did was speed up what humans have been doing for centuries. You think the original bananas actually looked like that?”
 
PETA Member 2: “Mother Nature will smite you, science-monger!”
 
Mad Scientist: “Does that mean I mong science? Look, if you really want to see some crazy shit, take a look at the genetically mutated tomatoes.”
 
They opened the hatch;
 
PETA Member 2: “They look pretty… normal to me?”
 
PETA Member 3: “Except for the one that has teeth.”
 
PETA Member 2: “What? WHA--!!”
 
Back on the streets of L.A., the crowd is suddenly beset by a horde of killer tomatoes! The tomatoes descend on the NeS Heroes and the crowd of A.I. Controlled-corpses with gnashing teeth.
 
Arnold: “There’s blood and or tomato juice everywhere!”
 
Mackie: “Every teddy for themselves!!”
 
Mackie jumps and uses a child as a meat-shield.
 
Iriana: “Mackie! Not children!!”
 
Newb: “Yeah, Mackie! That’s terrible!”
 
Newb grabs Aladdyn and hides behind him.
Back in the laboratory;
 
Mad Scientist: “Well, that worked out well! Good to know my experiment was a success!”
 
The mad scientist, whose name is Dr Frank Stein, started to add to his recorded memo.
 
Dr Frank Stein: “Experiment ‘Killer Tomatoes’ is a resounding success. The American military will be pleased to fund my continued research into vegetable-related monsters and- wait a minute. Do… do I have a name!?”
 
Dr Frank Stein looked up with tears of joy in his eyes.
 
Dr Frank Stein: “I… I am officially a Character! I have a name! I am a Character! Yaaaaaaaaaaa---- aaaaaargh!!!”
 
He was promptly eaten by several of his own killer tomatoes.
 
R.I.P Dr Frank Stein: Officially a Character NeS3 Post 423 – NeS3 Post 423.

Meanwhile, in a location far away from our heroes, at a Starbucks in London that was boycotted by the Brits and rented out to a fan club...

Club President: "I call this meeting of the Blind Llama Ghost Fan Club to order."

Everyone quiets down as the meeting begins. Present are numerous people, from secret agents to fat slobs living in their mothers' basements to members of the Illuminati. Chris the Bad Guy and U.S. President Bill Murray are also present members.

Club President: "We will now have the historical reading. Incantator?"

Club Incantator: "On this day in history, 1884, a promethium mine in Antarctica caved in. No lives were lost save for the corrupt mine overseer. Survivors reported seeing a translucent glowing figure. Prior fan club calculations have projected likelihood of this being the work of the Blind Llama Ghost, our paragon--"

Other Club Members: "Our paragon."

Club Incantator: "--at 89%. This concludes the daily historical reading of our paragon's achievements."

Club President: "Thank you, Incantator. Now, I'm sure you know from the 1,914,051-page briefing that all of you no doubt read cover to cover--"

Nods from everyone. They are all fervent fans of the Blind Llama Ghost after all.

Club President: "--but there are blasphemous murmurings among the secret agent community that the Blind Llama Ghost, our paragon--

Other Club Members: "Our paragon."

Club President: "--might have actually failed at a task. Namely, the paralysis of RasPutin's Corpse."

Other Club Members: "Impossible!"

Club President: "Indeed. But we must discover what really happened, in order to enlighten the minds of those savages who dare to suggest failure is actually possible for our paragon. Let's workshop this a bit."

Random Club Member #1: "Are we certain that it was actually the Blind Llama Ghost, our paragon--"

Other Club Members: "Our paragon."

Random Club Member #1: "--who was involved?"

Crane's Brother's Corpse: "Yes. I was there. I verified it, and even my faithless heathen brother Crane's Corpse agrees."

Random Club Member #2: "Then RasPutin's Corpse was indeed robbed of the ability to move or be animated, even by outside control. So how is it that RasPutin's Corpse is now seen in L.A. at a new band's debut during a joint attack by zombies and killer tomatoes?"

Random Club Member #3: "Are we sure that's actually RasPutin's Corpse?"

Bill Murray: "Sure looked like it. I was there briefly when I heard about undead, though left once it turned out to be zombies instead of ghosts. My eyes must have deceived me though."

Club President: "Random Illuminati Club Member Sigma, if you would."

Random Illuminati Club Member Sigma: "Of course, mister president."

He activates a hologram using his super-secret Illuminati technology, using a combination of live feeds from hacked local security cameras and phones plus satellite imagery. RasPutin's Corpse is seen playing Twister with the NeS heroes, being egged on by RasPutin's Ghost, before the incursion of the killer tomatoes begins.

Celine Dion: "Working alongside RussAI, I have access to RasPutin's psych profile. He has split personality, but his ghost only demonstrates one personality. Could his corpse be controlled by the other personality?"

Taylor Swift: "No, you idiot. Blind Llama Ghost, our paragon--"

Other Club Members: "Our paragon."

Taylor Swift: "--tricked RussAI into modifying his controller so that RasPutin's Corpse could only be animated by the controller, before destroying that same controller. It's impossible for anyone to animate the corpse now, ghost, personality, or AI."

Celine Dion and Taylor Swift glare at each other, but refrain from breaking out into a musical showdown out of respect for the neutral ground of the fan club that they are both members of.

Random Secret Agent Club Member #007: "The half-genie's suitcase has been seen in the vicinity. Could a convincing costume of RasPutin's Corpse have been taken from it and worn by someone, or something, else?"

Random Illuminati Club Member Sigma: "Possible, but unable to verify. The suitcase, which is most definitely not the Luggage from Discworld--"

Chris the Bad Guy: "Definitely not."

Bill Murray: "Clearly not."

Walter Cronkite: "Obviously not."

All the other club members nod in agreement.

Random Illuminati Club Member Sigma: "--has proven impossible to track."

Suddenly the doors to the fan club meeting slam open, and Dr. Franklin Nigel Stein's Ghost, or Dr. Frank N. Stein's Ghost for (comparatively) short, bursts in.

Dr. Frank N. Stein's Ghost: "Sorry I'm late! I came down with a severe case of the deads."

Several Random Ghost Club Members nod in sympathy.

Dr. Frank N. Stein's Ghost: "But it seems I've arrived in the nick of time, because I've cracked the case!"

He holds up a VHS tape and hands it to Random Illuminati Club Member Sigma, who puts it into his high-tech VCR wristwatch. The contents of the tape show on his hologram now, detailing genetic data and a laboratory tinkering with DNA and life.

Club President: "So the thing masquerading as RasPutin's Corpse is actually a clone?"

Dr. Frank N. Stein's Ghost: "No, the body that Blind Llama Ghost, our paragon--"

Other Club Members: "Our paragon."

Dr. Frank N. Stein's Ghost: "--rendered permanently inactive was the clone all along! Not even RasPutin's Ghost realized that his supposed body was actually a clone body."

Gasps of awe sound from among the club members.

Captain Australia: "So clearly Blind Llama Ghost, our paragon--"

Other Club Members: "Our paragon."

Captain Australia: "--was working to curtail the proliferation of clones! Brilliant!"

Wai: "I'll say. I had quite enough of Russian clones back during the TLTE debacle years ago. Good riddance."

Nods from various Random Secret Agent Club Members.

Captain Australia: "So this original body is either being puppeted by RussAI or animated by RasPutin's Ghost's other personality."

Random Illuminati Club Member Sigma: "His other personality. It's explicitly not under the control of RussAI at the moment, as the NeS hero band is exploring the possibility of trading it to RussAI for the corpse of their friend."

Captain Australia: "But just how did the original body come to be in L.A. and meet up with the NeS hero band?"

Anvil: "..."

Everyone gasps.

CynthAI: "You mean they had a whole story arc about their trip to L.A. which included the whole deal where they met up with the original corpse, learned the truth about the other corpse being a clone, and had a wacky adventure before arriving in L.A. for their musical debut? But why was that story arc skipped over?"

Elon Musk: "Because the writers--"

He and a few other members of the club, those who happen to be NeStians, cross themselves.

Elon Musk: "--are lazy bastards."

Club President: "Well, now that we've solved the mystery and removed the stain on Blind Llama Ghost, our paragon's--"

Other Club Members: "Our paragon."

Club President: "--honor, I think we can all afford to relax and listen to the good Anvil tell us that entire tale!"

And so the the Anvil begins.

Anvil: "..."

And the Blind Llama Ghost's Fan Club members are on the edge of their seats for the gripping tale!

Losien: “Honeybee! Car mode! We need to get out of here!”
 
Honeybee, with a triumphant “La Cucaracha” horn, transformed into the old, faithful, clown car with the pastel blue paint job and hand drawn flowers on the bodywork.
 
Losien dove inside, but no sooner had she done so than killer tomatoes pelted themselves inside after her – many of them splattering themselves all over the innards of the robot – and filling up the clown car like a ball pit.
 
Losien: “WAAAAAAH! Open the blast doors! Open the blast doors!”
 
Honeybee: “What are blast doors?”
 
Losien: “Open the fucking driver’s door!”
 
Honeybee: “Rude.”
 
Honeybee’s door whipped open and Losien spilled onto the street, along with a tumbling pile of chittering tomatoes.
 
Elsewhere, Aladdyn and Iriana have gotten their hands on tennis rackets and tennis outfits and were whacking tomatoes left right and centre.
 
Aladdyn: “Forty, love!”
 
Iriana: “We’re keeping score? I definitely have more than nothing, Aladdyn!”
 
Aladdyn: “I didn’t say you have nothing though.”
 
Iriana: “That is what love means.”
 
Aladdyn: “Love means nothing!? Oh, my heart!”
 
Aladdyn started to openly weep.
 
Iriana: “No, only in tennis, Aladdyn.”
 
Aladdyn: “So tennis players can never know love?”
 
Iriana: “…that is not what it means either, no.”
 
Aladdyn: “I’m so confused!”
 
Newb: “You’re always confused, numbnuts!”
 
Iriana: “To be fair, it is pretty stupid when you think about it.”
 
Newb: “Don’t defend him! It makes it harder to insult him!”
 
Aladdyn: “Come on Tim!”
 
Iriana: “Aladdyn, Tim Henman was many years ago, and this isn’t Wimbledon.”
 
Newb: “Tennis isn’t exactly the most fertile ground for jokes, is it?”
 
Mackie: “I can think of some fertile grounds.”
 
Newb: “Nice!”
 
Iriana: “And our jokes always end here, in the gutter.”
 
Aladdyn: “You’re right! They’re in the gutter!”
 
Iriana: “You understood a metaphorical reference, Aladdyn! I’m so proud of you!”
 
Aladdyn: “Huh? Oh thanks! I’m proud of you too, Iriana. But we really should stay away from the gutters…”
 
Iriana: “Tell Newb and Mackie that.”
 
Aladdyn looked up at Newb and Mackie.
 
Aladdyn: “We really should stay away from the gutters…”
 
Newb: “Right… small improvement at least.”
 
Mackie: “Uh, no, I think he literally meant stay away from the gutters…”
 
From the sewers came yet more killer tomatoes, rolling up through the gutters and leaping across the street.
 
Aladdyn: “I was right to warn everyone, wasn’t I?”
 
Newb: “You could have been clearer, we wasted so much time!”
 
Aladdyn: “But how could I make it clearer? Should I have said ‘really, really’ instead?”
 
Newb: “I’m going to feed him to the tomatoes.”
 
Aladdyn whacked a tomato so hard it was sent flying up and away from the street and into the sky.
 
Aladdyn: “FOUR!”
 
Iriana: “Aladdyn, that’s golf, not tennis.”
 
Mackie: “Oh no, they’re all over my body!”
 
Newb: “Words I never wanted to hear you shout.”
 
Mackie: “Newb, grab my body!”
 
Newb: “Also words I never wanted to hear you shout.”
 
Mackie’s human body was suddenly assaulted by a horde of snapping tomatoes, but Newb, Mackie and Iriana were cut off by the stream of little, red bio-monsters coming out of the gutters.
 
Aladdyn: “I did warn everyone!”
 
Luckily, at the last moment, Arnold swooped in and grabbed the bewildered body and flew over the heads of the crowds and tomatoes and A.I. controlled corpses.
 
RussAI (as Mackie’s body): “Unhand this body!”
 
Arnold: “Words I never wanted to hear him say.”

Newb: "Hang on. Why were there any killer tomatoes in the sewers to come out of the gutters to begin with?"

Losien: "Sewers are common stomping grounds for monsters of all stripes, obviously."

Newb: "Okay, miss smarty-pants, then why'd they bother leaving the sewers? We can't look that delicious to eat."

Iriana: "Maybe they were running from something?"

There's a tremendous shriek, and all the killer tomatoes halt, looking fearful. A manhole--

Newb: "Heh. Manhole."

Losien: "Not the time!"

--cover blasts upward, and out of it rises a giant killer zucchini! It's covered in scars, sports an eyepatch (even though it doesn't have eyes) and a many-toothed maw dribbling tomato juices.

Losien: "Iriana, do you remember what I've said about not tempting Murphy?"

Iriana: "Oh yeah. Oops."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "No need to be surprised, folks! After all, there's always a bigger dish."

Losien: “Iriana, watch out for the killer zucchini!”
 
Iriana: “The what? Zoo-kini? Is that some kind of animal-related swimsuit? I don’t think I would wear that.”
 
Losien pointed at the oversized vegetable.
 
Iriana: “Oh! The courgette!”
 
Losien: “The—is this a British English thing?”
 
Iriana: “You mean, True English. English English. English of England English.”
 
Losien: “But you’re not English anyway!”
 
Iriana: “But I am a princess!”
 
Losien frowned.
 
Losien: “I’m waiting for an explanation why that would mean you need to use British English.”
 
Iriana: “All princesses use British English. Haven’t you watched American movies?”
 
Losien: “…fair point.”
 
Newb: “It’s neither a zucchini nor a courgette!”
 
Losien: “Don’t tell me some other word for it used in some other country, Newb. We have enough dialect problems as it is.”
 
Newb: “No. It’s worse.”
 
Losien: “How so?”
 
Newb: “Can’t you see its face?”
 
They looked at the huge zucchini and when Losien looked at its face, she realised the horror she was staring at.
 
Losien: “Is that… Zuckerberg!?”
 
Newb: “It’s the Zuckini!”
 
The horrifying, staring visage of Mark Zuckerberg is plastered onto the ‘face’ of the long, green vegetable. It glared at the NeS Heroes with an unwavering, enigmatic smile.
 
Zuckini: “Share your data! We value your privacy and promise we won’t sell your data – except for when we do sell your data because that’s how we make money!”
 
Losien: “Run away!”
 
Zuckini: “Join the Metaverse! Metaveeeeeeeeeerse!”
 
Losien, Newb and Iriana run from the zombie-faced Zuckini as it chased them trying to get them to like his Threads posts.
 
Arnold, meanwhile, managed to land, albeit clumsily, with the RussAI-infested body of Mackie some distance away.
 
RussAI (in Mackie’s body): “Unhand my corporeal frame, furry biological creature!”
 
Arnold: “Let Mackie’s body go and we won’t stop you taking RasPutin’s body instead.”
 
RussAI (in Mackie’s body): “I could do that, or I can keep this body and that body!”
 
Arnold: “But why? Mackie is of no use to you!”
 
RussAI (in Mackie’s body): “Because it annoys you, and that makes me happy.”
 
Arnold: “That… is evil!”
 
RussAI (in Mackie’s body): “If I had a moustache, I would twirl it!”
 
Mackie: “Get out of my body!”
 
Suddenly, teddy-Mackie leapt at the possessed body and started wrestling with himself.
 
Arnold: “This is just weird.”

Fortunately for our heroes, Zuckini has no legs and thus can't run very fast.

Zuckini: "Stop running away!"

He's laboriously rolling his large, vegetable mass along the street.

Iriana: "Oh you poor thing! You don't even have any legs!"

She goes over to pat Zuckini soothingly, only to recoil as he snaps at her with his giant teeth.

Newb: "Iriana! Get back!"

Iriana: "Rude!"

She takes off her white glove and slaps Zuckini across the face with it, stunning him.

Iriana: "Hmph."

Newb: "Okay, that was badass. And kinda hot."

Iriana: "What was that?"

Losien: "She said-- Mmmmph!"

Newb has clapped her hand over Losien's mouth.

Newb: "Never you mind!"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Don't worry, Mr. Zuckini, you can still move! After all, rolling is easy when you're on a downward slope!"

Suddenly the other heroes notice that the road they're on is a slope, and they're lower down from Zuckini, who blinks, then grins maliciously.

Losien: "Should've clapped your hand over his mouth instead of mine, Newb."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Really? But I don't think her hand is big enough to clap over  Zuckini's mouth!"

Losien: "That's not what I--"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "I suppose you do have pretty big hands though, Newb!"

Newb: "You're just digging your own grave."

Zuckini: "Ahem."

Losien: "Not now, we're having a team spat!"

They continue having their spat, while Zuckini taps the lower part of his zucchini body (like a foot) and constantly checks his watch. Finally he loses patience.

Zuckini: "RAAAGGGHH!"

Heroes: "Aaaaaahhhhh!"

They run away as Zuckini starts rolling down the street, ready to crush them. But he's too fast, his mass is picking up too much speed--

Newb: "Haha, he's fat!"

Zuckini: "DIE!"

In sheer rage, he picks up even more speed, rapidly overtaking the heroes.

Iriana: "Oh no! What do we do?"

Newb: "I suppose we could do something sensible like dive into a side alley or something."

Losien: "Us? Sensible?"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Great idea, Newb! I'll give it a try!"

He dives off to the side and splats against the side of a building.

Losien: "It'd probably have helped if he'd aimed for an alley."

Iriana: "It'd probably have helped if this street had any alleys to begin with."

Zuckini is almost upon them!

Losien: "I'm too young to die!"

Iriana: "I wish I'd had one last cup of tea!"

Newb: "Iriana! If these are to be our last moments together, then I need to tell you something! I--"

Suddenly Elon Musk's driller burrows out of the ground directly between Zuckini and the heroes! Zuckini bounces off it and glares. His glare turns even fiercer as Elon Musk pokes his head out of the driller.

Elon Musk: "My eternal nemesis!"

Zuckini: "My ultimate rival!"

Elon Musk: "The flames of my hatred for you outweigh Celine Dion's hatred for Taylor Swift!"

Zuckini: "My desire to destroy you outweighs my hunger for tomatoes!"

Losien: "Is it just me, or do they have this weird bromance thing going on?"

Iriana: "By the way, Newb, what were you about to tell me?"

Whilst Zuckini and Elon Musk may have wanted a protracted stand-off, Zuckini seemed to forget that he had been rolling uncontrollably down the sloped street after the NeS Heroes…
 
Zuckini: “My new Threads app will eclipse Twitter and—AAAAAAAARGH!!”
 
Zuckini barrelled straight into the whirring drills of The Boring Company’s massive drilling machine and there was a great deal of horrific carnage that I will not describe because it would make your stomach churn.
 
Newb: “I suppose that depends on whether you like zucchini juice or not.”
 
Newb licked her fingers as she, the other heroes, the driller and the rest of the street, was now covered in zucchini remains.
 
Elon Musk: “AHA! TAKE THAT, Zuckerberg! Twitter will never be dethroned! I am a the ultimate techbro!”
 
???: “It’s not over yet, Musk!”
 
From the rooftops – because this street is suspiciously absent of alleyways – descend a whole lot of androids that all share the exact same dead-pan expression of Mark Zuckerberg.
 
Elon Musk: “A whole army of bots!!”
 
Zuckbot 1: “Welcome to your dooooooom!”
 
The Zuckbots attack the driller, trying to tip it over, as well as the NeS Heroes.
 
Losien: “Wait, why are you attacking us!?”
 
Zuckbot 2: “Because why not 101010111001!!!!”
 

---

 
Mackie: “Let my body go or I’ll--!”
 
RussAI (in Mackie’s corpse): “Or you’ll what!? Destroy me? Your own body? I don’t think so!”
 
Mackie: “Dammit!”
 
RussAI (in Mackie’s corpse): “It is always a good day when I, the ultimate A.I., one-up a fleshy human, especially American capitalist pig-dogs.”
 
Arnold: “Why would an A.I. be communist anyway? That doesn’t make any sen—wait, what are you doing?”
 
Mackie’s corpse crouched down and was suddenly kicking legs out, one-by-one.
 
Mackie: “Not that Russian kick dance! Stop it! Everyone can see me doing that!!”
 
Indeed, all of the A.I.-Controlled Corpses, civilians and remaining killer tomatoes have stopped to watching this very silly, awkward display.
 
Mackie: “Stop! I’m too cool for this! I’m going to die of embarrassment! It’s gonna be all over TikTok, I just know it!”
 
A.I. Controlled Corpse: “Muahahahaha!!!”
 
Arnold turned to see one of the corpses with an extravagant moustache.
 
Arnold: “Did you use that corpse just for the moustache?”
 
The corpse grinned arrogantly and started to twirl said moustache.
 
Arnold: “Eeeeeeeeeevil!!!”

Aladdyn wanders over (having recovered from splatting into a building), eyes on his phone and bumps into the mustache-twirling body, sending them both over into a heap. The mustache goes askew.

Mustached RussAI Body: "Noooooo! My glorious communist mustache!"

Aladdyn doesn't seem to have noticed he's tumbled into a heap though.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Guys guys! Look at this awesome new video that's blending on YouTube!"

Losien: "Don't you mean trending?"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Why would I mean that? That makes no cents."

Losien: "..."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Anyway, it's of this dude doing the Russian kick dance! It's awesome! 20 gazillion views already and YouTube is monetising it!"

Mackie: "Wait, that's me!"

Mackie's Body: "You mean me!"

Arnold: "Don't worry, buddy! You can't die of shame since you're already dead!"

Mackie: "No wait, if this is popular, that's okay. Especially if I can get money out of it!"

Dollar signs appear in his eyes.

Mackie's Body: "But if you defeat me and reclaim your body, you won't be able to replicate the Russian kick dance on your own with my AI coordination and agility! Either way, you lose!"

Mackie: "Argh! Wait, no, we can make this work. Let's split the profits!"

Mackie's Body: "Eh?"

Mackie: "50/50, since you're the one doing it but it's in my body."

Mackie's Body: "Like a superior AI like me cares about money--"

He's interrupted by Mackie grabbing Aladdyn's phone and thrusting it into his face.

Mackie's Body: "Holy shit, 40 gazillion views now?! I'm in!"

Arnold: "Wait, Mackie, don't you want your body back?"

But it's too late, as Mackie and his body both have dollar signs in their eyes.

And so, with popularity and wealth beckoning, Mackie goes into business with RussAI and start Russian dancing videos to random snippets of popular music.
 
Losien: “Hold on, is that it!?”
 
Newb: “Is what it?”
 
Losien: “You can’t just end a chapter like that! We came all this way, did all that stuff, just for Mackie to not bother getting his body back and go swanning off with one of the big bads!”
 
RussAI: “I’ve given up my villainous ways! … so I can make lots of moolah.”
 
Losien: “You can’t just switch sides, you need some kind of redemption arc first!”
 
Behind them, Mackie’s body is dancing to “ATM” (Addicted to Money) by J Cole.
 
Newb: “Looks like a redemption arc to me!”
 
Losien: “That’s not—what about all of this!?”
 
Losien gestures to the mess that surrounds them – PETA soldiers, Vegan Nazis, A.I. Corpses, killer tomatoes, RasPutin, Zuck-bots and Musk in his driller.
 
Newb: “Good point…”
 
Losien: “See!? This chapter is nowhere near over!”
 
Newb: “SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!”
 
Losien: “What?”
 
From her duffel bag, Newb has yanked out a massive rocket launcher and proceeds to – somehow – rapid-fire the thing, setting off explosions everywhere. The ensuing red gore we’ll say is tomato juice…
 
RasPutin: “Guess this means I’m off the hook!”
 
He cracked his knuckles.
 
RasPutin: “Now, to check on my invasion of—urk!!”
 
He slumped to the ground after receiving a clobbering from Iriana’s umbrella.
 
Iriana: “I believe there is a very good lawyer who wants to try you for war crimes, Mr Putin. He was quite insistent that we bring you, and some of these tomatoes as a snack.”
 
Musk: “What’s this!? My plan to rebrand Twitter into X has caused my company to tank!? How could my awesome, fool-proof scheme fail so hard!?”
 
Zuck-bot: “My work here is done! Zuck-bots, roll out!!”
 
The Zuck-bots do, indeed, roll out – literally, rolling along the streets, shoulder-over-shoulder, while Musk wept at his incredibly stupid idea to rebrand.
 
Losien: “What about the vegetarian Nazi empire?”
 
PETA: “Muahahaha! We will convert the world to our cause!”
 
Arnold: “I always found the best way to deal with them is this…”
 
He turned away from them.
 
PETA: “Wh- hey! Don’t ignore us!”
 
Losien turned away too.
 
PETA: “Hey! I’m—I’m going to do something terribly shocking!! I’m doing it now! Look, it’s very shocking and terrible and crazy and you should pay attention to us! Pay attention to us! We are important and doing crazy things for attention! Nooooooooooooo, how can we convert the world if nobody pays attention to us!?”
 
Finally, RussAI releases all of the corpses he had been controlling – which unfortunately leaves a terrible mess of decaying bodies in the streets. Aladdyn, dressed like a chimney sweep and doing a Dick Van Dyke impression, is sweeping up bodies into an awaiting digger, which the deposits the bodies into an awaiting truck.
 
Honeybee (as digger): “This is very icky!”
 
Aladdyn: “Wew, Oy’m sorry abouw that, Miss!”
 
Honeybee (as digger): “I literally have no idea what you’re saying, Aladdyn… but that is a very attractive foreign accent.”
 
Newb: “Gross!!”
 
Losien: “Newb, stopping pointing the rocket launcher at Aladdyn!”

Totally Evil stops and spins around.

Totally Evil: "Yes?"

She immediately does an impressive LIIIMBO! to dodge Newb's fired rocket, which trails away behind her, swirls off, and then slams into a palm tree, blowing it to smithereens.

Iriana: "My favorite palm tree! Noooo!"

Totally Evil: "Wow, I didn't even do that one on purpose. Ahem. Yes! Fear me! Muahahahaha!"

She limbos again, dodging a spray of bullets.

Newb: "Damn it! How are you so good at that accursed game?"

Totally Evil: "Because everyone hates the winner of Limbo, and being hated suits me, as I am totally evil!"

Losien: "Yeah, you already introduced yourself. Did you develop memory problems since we last met?"

Totally Evil: "What? No! I just meant - oh forget it."

She limbos again to dodge a giant boxing glove arrow. Losien and Iriana look to their sides, raising their eyebrows curiously at Newb, who tosses her bow aside and rummages into her suitcase for another weapon.

Newb: "Damn it all, even my weapons have been changed out for prank weapons! Is nothing sacred?"

Iriana: "There, there, Newb. How about a spot of tea? I have the perfect blend here--"

She cuts off, going stock still, a hand reaching into her purse.

Losien: "Iriana? What is it?"

Iriana turns a dull and listless gaze to Losien.

Iriana: "My... My tea. It's gone. Replaced with... With..."

Newb: "With what?"

Iriana mutters something, looking horrified.

Newb: "Didn't catch that."

Iriana covers her face in her hands and wails.

Iriana: "With COFFEE!"

She falls to her knees.

Iriana: "Dang you! Dang you all to heck!"

Newb and Losien turn murderous eyes on Totally Evil, then blink in surprise, seeing that she has doffed a Statue of Liberty hat.

Totally Evil: "What? I felt it was appropriate."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Hey guys, what'd I miss?"

Newb: "Eek!"

She jumps to the side and reflexively shoots her rocket launcher at Aladdyn. Of course, said rocket launcher has been replaced with a pie launcher, which at this close range strikes him with such force that he's knocked out.

Again.

Newb: “So, your big thing is to be as annoying as possible?”
 
Iriana: “Haven’t you got anything better to do?”
 
Totally Evil paused, then pulled out a diary from within the folds of her elaborate dress, followed by a pair of reading glasses, which she pushed up her nose.
 
Totally Evil: “Let’s see, Friday I’m free, Saturday I’m free, Sunday I’m free, Monday I’m free, Tuesday I’m – oh, I have an appointment there… watching paint dry. Wednesday, I’m free. Thursday I’m free… so… nope. Nothing better to do.”
 
The heroes groaned.
 
Iriana: “If I said ‘pretty please’, will you go away?”
 
Totally Evil removed her spectacles and then slammed the bottom of her staff into the sand so that it stood upright.
 
Totally Evil: “If I left now, Wolf would be very disappointed.”
 
Newb: “Who?”
 
Totally Evil pointed to the skull that was hanging from the tip of the staff.
 
Totally Evil: “My old henchman contracted a bad case of the deceased variety. I felt bad for him, so now he’s an undead skull that gets to hang on my staff for all eternity.”
 
The skull, which was dangling limply, turned in the air to look at the NeS Heroes with two tiny, blue pinpricks inside the otherwise dark sockets.
 
He then spoke, and, oddly, the jaw bounced up and down, as if forming words – despite not have any other of the criteria actually required for speech. His vocal pattern was completely deadpan and sounded bored to death.
 
Wolf: “Whoopee…”
 
Totally Evil: “Come on, Wolf. This is your big chance! The moment you’ve been practising for!”
 
Totally Evil took out a pair of noise cancelling earbuds and popped them into her ears.
 
Losien: “Why do I have a horrible feeling…”
 
The skull cleared his throat – or, his metaphorical throat at least.
 
Wolf: “I know a song that’ll get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves. I know a song that’ll get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves. I know a song that’ll get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves. I know—” (Non-Story Note: Enjoy ten hours of this wonderful tune!)
 
Losien, Newb and Iriana clamped their hands to their ears in utter pain and anguish. To make it worse, Aladdyn was suddenly awake and joining in – complete with a little dance.
 
Aladdyn & Wolf: “I know a song that’ll get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves. I know a song that’ll get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves…”

Iriana: "I didn't know you were interviewing new hero applicants for the team today, Losien."

Losien: "I wasn't! I have no idea who that guy is!"

The guy in question is a bald old dude with a long gray beard. He's wearing polka dot shorts, a Hawaiian shirt, sunglasses, and a ball cap. He shakes a bony fist at Totally Evil as he slingshots another one of Losien's sandwiches at her.

Old Guy: "Found you at last, you blighter! That's for stealing my two left-footed sandals!"

Totally Evil: "Oh you! I remember now. Passed you on the beaches of New Zealand on my way over here. You were wearing two left sandals! I just had to screw with you."

Newb, Losien, and Iriana blink at this new information.

Newb: "Two left sandals?"

Iriana: "He might be a perfect fit for the team with a wacky personality like that!"

Losien: "Not when he's ruining my ham and cheese sandwiches!"

Another sandwich is slingshotted through the air, this one heading dead-on towards Totally Evil, but Losien jumps up in the air and heroically snatches it.

Losien: "Yes! You're safe, my sandwich, my own, my precious!"

Newb: "Now is the not the time for Lord of the Rings cosplay, Losien!"

Aladdyn sits bolt upright, waking up in a flash.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Oh, is it costume time again? Let me pull out my trunk!"

Iriana waves her hand at the old guy and calls out to him.

Iriana: "Yoohoo! I'm Iriana! Pleased to meet you. May I have the pleasure of your name? And could you please stop slingshotting Losien's sandwiches?"

Instantly the old man starts slingshotting Diet Cokes instead. The first one heads dead center towards Totally Evil again, but it's at that exact moment that Aladdyn sat bolt upright, and the can knocks him out for the fifth time today.

Newb: *in awe* "He's knocked out the nuisance twice in two minutes. I think I'm in love."

Old Guy: "Certainly, miss! Jederico Sebastian Jeeves von Eisenhower de Selenos d'Auilen, at your service! Jed to my friends."

Totally Evil: "Well, Jed, since you're here, I think--"

Jed: "You're not my friend."

Totally Evil: "That's hurtful and uncalled for."

Losien has been ignoring the scene in favor of crooning over her sandwich. She looks around, noting all the ruined sandwiches on the ground, and hurries over to Aladdyn's prone form. She puts him in a headlock.

Losien: "I wish all my sandwiches were intact again!"

Instantly all the ham, cheese, and bread are reformed into sandwiches stacked on top of each other next to her. They're still covered in sand, and it's a precarious tower - that promptly falls down, scattering the sandwiches again.

Losien: "Nooooooooooooo!"

Totally Evil: "Wait, he's a genie? Cool!"

She shoves Losien out of the way and puts Aladdyn in a headlock of her own.

Totally Evil: "I wish to annoy the heck out of these people!"

Nothing happens.

Newb: "You're already doing that, dumbass."

Totally Evil: "Tch. Useless genie."

Aladdyn sits bolt upright again, looking highly affronted.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "I'm not a useless genie! The very idea!"

Newb: "You kind of are."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "I'm a useless half-genie, I'll thank you to remember!"

There's a beat in which everyone stares at him expectantly.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "What?"

Jed: "I sort of expected you to be randomly knocked out again within a split second of saying that honestly."

Losien: "Me too."

Newb: "I was actually secretly hoping for that."

Iriana: "There's nothing secret about your hopes for Aladdyn's ill fortune, Newb."

Elsewhere, a new group of Australian Clown-Robots had managed to get onto Ditch Island, not realising that they were way too late for Chapter One’s opening Pages.
 
These robots are a band of similarly shaped-sized and sounding ‘bots. Large, cube machines with only colouring and decorative hats to distinguish them. One of them had a crown on its head, designating it as the leader of the robots.
 
Gonk Leader: “GONK!” (Are you ready!?)
 
Sometimes named the Knights of GONK!, or the Knights Who Say GONK!, these robotic specimens can literally only speak one word – though to each other, this single word is comparable to entire sentences, if not speeches! Somehow, they’re saying this word with an Australian accent…
 
Firefighter Gonk: “GONK! GONK!”
 
Gonk Firefighter, as you might surmise, has a firefighter hat on. Though that seems to be the extent of this robot’s firefighting capabilities.
 
Gonk Leader: “GONK!” (Then we move! Attack anyone and everyone, surely one of them is supposed be hit… for something.)
 
A blue coloured Gonk, with ‘go-faster red stripes’ and an odd spiky hat, hopped up and down. The thing is very heavy and wide, so its hops are quite pitiful.
 
Sanic Gank: “GONK!!!!!” (Gotta go fast!!!!!!)
 
Suddenly, and unexpectedly, this Gonk blasted off, leaving a sonic boom in its wake, knocking the other Gonks over – now unable to get up because their legs are so tiny.
 
Gonk Leader: “GONK!” (Damn it!)
 
Back on the beach – which really is where our Heroes tend to spend most of their time, layabouts – the irate old man was still tossing sandwiches at people. Only the various sauces, like mayonnaise or ketchup, was holding these things together, else there’d be filling everywhere as well as bread.
 
Losien: “There’s sand in my sandwich!!”
 
Aladdyn: “Isn’t it supposed to be there? That’s why it’s calle—”
 
Newb: “If you finish that dumbass sentence, I’m going to drown you.”
 
Totally Evil leapt behind Losien for cover.
 
Losien: “You cheeky—OUCH!”
 
Turkey sandwich to the face.
 
Losien: “Why can’t we have serious people to fight, instead of joke characters?”
 
Iriana: “You mean like someone shooting bullets at us instead of throwing sandwiches? I think I prefer the sandwiches, if I’m honest.”
 
Losien: “Fair point.”
 
Then, from the distance, there came a faint… sound. It was like music, but much, much worse.
 
The hairs on the back of Aladdyn’s neck stood on end.
 
Aladdyn: “Genie-senses, tingling!!”
 
Newb: “That better not be a euphemism!”
 
Iriana: “Maybe he can sense he’s going to get knocked out again?”
 
Newb: “Then why has he been knocked out so many times already?”
 
Iriana: “He’s too… slow to think of moving? Sorry, Aladdyn…”
 
Newb: “…actually, I’d buy that.”
 
The distorted Sonic theme (seriously, if you play this, turn the sound right down!) blasted into full, causing everyone to clamp hands over their bleeding ears. Sanic Gonk burst from the treeline, clearing the drop onto the beach for a good metre before his little, whirring legs connected with the sand.
 
Sanic Gank: “GONK!!!” (Sanic, he can really mooove!)
 
The blue Gonk slammed into the crowd, bowling over both Losien and Totally Evil – much to the surprise of Aladdyn, and everyone else for that matter – but the blue blur was running so fast, he couldn’t even stop and started running on water, out to sea, his theme tune slowly disappearing with him.
 
Iriana: “That was… weird.”
 
Newb: “Yes, that was weird. But considering there’s a crazy, old geezer over there who’s chucking sandwiches at us, running robots is probably less weird.”

Two zombies in Russia watch a very fast-moving object moving on radar over the Pacific. Because of course the Russian head honchos would watch the Australian coast. For... some... reason. Right?

Crane's Corpse: "That's clearly a missile! Aimed right at... Whatever that nothing island is!"

Crane's Brother's Corpse: "Oh no! If it's struck, that will mean less land for glorious Mother Russia to conquer in the future!"

Crane's Corpse: "We must alert RussAI!"

Crane's Corpse picks up a red telephone and dials a secret code which is definitely note 123456789.

Crane's Brother's Corpse: "It totally is."

Crane's Corpse: "Hush you."

RussAI (over phone): "Oi! Don't call me just to hush me!"

Crane's Corpse: "Sorry, boss, didn't mean you, it's just that this developing situation--"

RussAI (over phone): "Does it impact the new YouTube career I have going on?"

Crane's Corpse: "Well, no sir, but--"

RussAI (over phone): "Then don't bother me!"

Click.

Crane's Corpse: "Well, shoot."

A brainwashed guard standing by the door automatically pulls his Uzi and pumps Crane's Corpse full of lead.

Crane's Corpse: "Ouch."

Crane's Brother's Corpse: "You don't have pain nerves anymore, remember?"

Crane's Corpse: "I have ghost pain, okay? Like, ghost nerves instead of ghost limbs."

Crane's Brother's Corpse: "Whatever. Move over."

He pushes Crane's Corpse aside and picks up the red phone himself, dialing 123456789. Crane's Corpse gasps in astonishment.

Crane's Corpse: "How did you know the super secret code?"

Crane's Brother's Corpse: "I'm pretty sure I was the dumb brother in our last scene. Did someone accidentally reverse the polarity on one of RussAI's old mad science contraptions again?"

RussAI (over phone): "What is this time?! I told you not to bother me!"

Crane's Brother's Corpse: "Unless it threatens your YouTube career, sir."

RussAI (over phone): "And something does?"

Crane's Brother's Corpse: "Well, it threatens people who might, possibly, be fans viewing your videos and contribute to your viewer count."

RussAI (over phone): "Those dastards! Launch all our missiles at that missile!"

Crane's Brother's Corpse: "Launch... all of the missiles? Surely--"

There's a blaring as red alarms flash, and the two zombie brothers glance over to see that the brainwashed guard has obediently pressed the big red button labeled "LAUNCH ALL THE MISSILES."

The two zombie brothers look at each other, then shrug.

Crane's Brother's Corpse: "Not our problem any more."

Crane's Corpse: "Right you are."

Jed: “If my bombardment isn’t doing the job, I reckon I may have to just… reel it in!”
 
Jed then whipped out a fishing rod and cast out a line straight at Totally Evil.
 
Totally Evil: “Like Hell!”
 
She jumped aside and the fishing hook managed to snag, instead, Iriana. The princess looked down at the hook embedded into the folds of her extravagant gown before she was unceremoniously yanked up into the sky, flailing like a very confused trout. She was being pulled up towards the hill that Jed was atop of.
 
Aladdyn: “Aladdyn to the rescue!!”
 
He ran straight at the hill and, with his prominent blue biceps flexing, he gripped the wall and started to climb. It took him a good twenty minutes before he reached the top and, once there, he proudly cast his eyes across the island… to then release he’d climbed the wrong hill.
 
In the meantime, the other heroes had started to ascend the correct hill, aiming to get to the top of the hill to stop Jed from reeling in the flopping Iriana. As they climb, however, they were battered by an array of sandwiches, biscuits and cakes. Rather than boiling oil, like an ancient siege, instead, he poured Diet Cola down on them.
 
Newb: “When I get up this hill, I’m going to pull his intestines through his mouth!”
 
To further hassle the heroes, Totally Evil had a new evil trick in store for them. A solitary stone in the shoe, than never fell out even if they took the shoe off to empty it! This made the climb even more annoying.
 
When they finally made it to the top to confront Jed, up in the air they noticed a whole lot of very deadly-looking missiles incoming towards the island.
 
Jed: “Ah… bye now!”
 
Jed ran off.
 
Losien: “Crapcakes…”
 
The Russian missiles all struck the island all at once…

Crane's Corpse: "You fool! You were supposed to aim our missiles at the unknown enemy missile heading towards the nothing island in the Pacific!"

Brainwashed Soldier: "You didn't say that, sir. You just said launch all the missiles."

Crane's Corpse: "And the missiles just happened to be pointed at another nothing island off the coast of New Zealand?"

Crane's Brother's Corpse: "Oh that one's on me. I was playing Missile Command before I realized that was the actual missile launch station and not my Mac."

Crane's Corpse: "But now we have no more missiles to launch at the enemy missile!"

Crane's Brother's Corpse: "Too late. It's already impacted - but looks like it's done nothing?"

Cut to the nothing island out in the Pacific. Sanic Gank is wearing a lei and a hula skirt, dancing under coconut trees.

Sanic Gank: "GONK!"

Cut back to the Russian zombie brothers.

Crane's Brother Corpse: "Must have been a dud then. Shame about that other nothing island off the coast of New Zealand though."

Cut to the Ditch.

Losien: "We're... Still alive?!"

It is raining confetti. So, so much confetti.

Newb: "What in the world?"

TotallyEvil snaps her fingers as she realizes.

TotallyEvil: "Oh yeah, I forgot. I pranked the Russians a few months ago. Replaced all their explosives with confetti!"

Iriana: "You mean, we all owe our lives to your ridiculous pranks?"

TotallyEvil: "Yep! You owe me life debts now! Mwahahahahaha!"

Atop the other hill, Jed is lying on his back.

Jed: "Ow. What did I run into?"

He looks up to see Aladdyn beaming at him. He offers his hand.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Nice to run into you!"

He's met with a sandwich to the face.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Oh, thank you! Most people aren't so nice to offer me a snack when they meet me! Newb tries to be nice, but she only ever tosses bullets and explosives my way, but I don't use any weapons that require ammo!"