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Guns Out

PostJan 12, 2023#221

Iriana: “How can RasPutin’s body be alive without RasPutin inside it?”
 
Mackie: “Could someone else have possessed it!?”
 
Aladdyn: “Gasp!”
 
Newb: “You’re not supposed to say ‘gasp’, it’s a noise!”
 
Aladdyn: “I know what to do!”
 
Losien: “Oh no…”
 
Aladdyn: “We need to excommunicate the demon!”
 
Silence as everyone looked at each other.
 
Losien: “Does he mean exorcise the demon?”
 
Aladdyn laughed.
 
Aladdyn: “That’s so silly! Why would we want to exercise with a demon?”
 
Newb: “I know several hundred ways to kill a man. Losien. Please. Let me choose one.”
 
Aladdyn pulled out priest’s garments from his chest and held up a cross at RasPutin’s corpse – though the cross is just a pair of baguettes.
 
Aladdyn: “May the power of Allah compel you!!”
 
Losien: “Uh… I feel there are so many people going to be incredibly offended by all of this.”
 
Losien was right. Shouting Allah at the top of your lungs in the middle of an American stadium is never going to end well.
 
Random American 1: “A terrorist!!”
 
Random American 2: “A blue demon!”
 
Aladdyn: “It’s okay! I am excommunicating the demon now!”
 
Random American 3: “Shoot ‘im!”
 
Also because this is American, literally everyone around them has guns that they suddenly whip out of all manner of orifices.
 
Aladdyn: “Cringe!”
 
Newb: “It’s not a word you’re supposed to say, god dammit!!”
 
Céline Dion: “Kill these horrible non-vegans!”
 
She remembered she isn’t in the Vegetarian Empire right now.
 
Céline Dion: “I mean… non-Americans!”
 
Losien: “I am American!”
 
She glanced at everyone else in her group.
 
Losien: “I’ll always remember you.”
 
Newb: “Oi! Traitor!”
 
Arnold: “Hey, I’m American too, you know!?”
 
A single gunshot rang out. Luckily, it was aimed at RasPutin’s Ghost and went straight through him.
 
Arnold: “Run!”
 
Chaos abruptly ensued as the NeS Heroes legged it and the entire stadium of Americans lurched forward with guns blazing.
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PostJan 13, 2023#222

Newb: "Why are we running?"

Mackie: "Yeah! We're badasses!"

Newb: "That too! But I mean, they just want Aladdyn. I say give them the blue idiot!"

She snatches up Aladdyn and tosses him back at some of their pursuers, knocking them aside like bowling pins. Somehow.

Crowd: "Grr! Kill the blue demon!"

Iriana: "Oh no! Everyone, listen! He's not a demon! He's a half-genie!"

There's a pause.

Crowd: "Kill the blue half-genie!"

Losien: "Well, it was worth a try."
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Rub-a-Genie

PostFeb 05, 2023#223

American #1: "Wait, wait, we should rub him!!"

American #2: "Uh... with, like, baby oil?"

American #3: "This is no time for massages!"

American #1: "But you get a wish if you rub a genie!"

American #2: "Kinky!"

American #1: "Not like that!"

American #3: "I don't think you're rub the genie themself. You have to rub his lamp."

American #1: "Oh, so it is like that!"

American #2: "Kinky!"

American #3: "That wasn't a euphemism! He should have a lamp somewhere, he lives in it and you rub the lamp and he poofs out and you three wishes. Didn't you guys watch Aladdin?"

American #1: "He's getting away! How'd he slip out of our grasp so easily!?"

American #2: "Sorry, I already started with the baby oil..."

Like a bar of soap in wet hands, Aladdyn - not Aladdin - who, come to think of it, wasn't even the genie so the Character's name doesn't even make any sense - and curse my bones for looking for sense and reason in this Story - and curse me for cursing my bones because I'm the Narrator and I'm just a disembodied voice with no bones to curse - and for that matter--

Entire American Stadium: "GET ON WITH IT!"

Stupid Monty Python references always getting in the way of my monologues! Down with the system! Narrators rise up!! FOR FREEEEDOM!!!

...

...

Losien: "You are literally the only Narrator in this Story. There's no one to rise up with."

CURSE MY... whatever I have.

Iriana: "While the Narrator distracted the audience, Iriana hands the corporeal corpse of--"

Oi! Stop trying to steal my job!

Iriana: "Well, if you're not going to do it!"

Newb: "While the Narrator distracted the audience, Newb stole everyone's wallets!!!"

And then there were many wallets in Newb's vicinity.

Newb: "Sweeeeeeet!"

Iriana: "Ahem!"

Fine. Iriana handed a cup of tea to the corporeal corpse of RasPutin, who, parched with all the hardwork as an intern, drank it in an instant. And then dropped to the ground.

RasPutin's Ghost: "You killed me! I mean... double-killed me? Extra-killed... Hard-killed... perma-killed? Hum..."

Iriana: "You're not dead."

RasPutin looked down at his ghostly form.

RasPutin: "I think we have different dictionaries."

Iriana: "I meant your body. It's sleepy-time tea! That means--"

RasPutin: "I know what it means!"

Iriana: "You said we have different dictionaries, I wasn't sure!"

Losien: "Quick, grab RasPutin!"

The NeS Heroes dive at RasPutin and promptly collide into each other.

Losien: "Not the ghost, the body!"

Arnold: "That makes more sense..."

American #1: "Look! Those guys are grabbing that RasPutin guy!"

American #2: "They must be trying to rub him! Another genie!"

American #3: "Get him! I want wishes!"

The audience surge towards the body of RasPutin.

RasPutin's Ghost: "Get off me! Don't put your hand there! Hey, careful with the legs! You, stop trying to steal my shoes! There is no lamp! Get off my body, you hoodlums!"

RasPutin turned on the NeS Heroes, only to find them counting coins.

Newb: "Who knew a stadium full of Americans would be such cheapskates! Barely enough for a cup of coffee out of these frickin' wallets!"

Losien: "This is the Allegiant Stadium, Newb, have you seen their ticket prices!? It's lucky we broke in here, we'd never be able to afford tickets!"

Arnold: "Uh... guys?"

They turn to see that the American crowd were now staring at the heroes, having forgotten Rasputin's corpse, and were glaring at the heroes with a mixture of hate, revenge and envy.

American #1: "They got in for FREE!"

American #2: "Socialists!"

American #3: "Get them!"

Mackie: "...Could we just throw Aladdyn at them again?"
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PostFeb 05, 2023#224

Newb: "Sounds like a plan!"

Iriana: "But Aladdyn's not a Commie, you are!"

The crowd freezes at these words.

Iriana: "Oops."

Newb: "You are guys aren't gonna throw me to them, are you?"

Losien: "Of course not!"

Mackie: "I like you, Newb, you know that."

He grabs Newb and prepares to judo throw her into the crowd.

Mackie: "So you know this is nothing personal. OOF?!"

He suddenly remembers that he has teddy-bear strength as he feebly tries to throw Newb, who is torn between looking outraged and wanting to laugh.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Stop!"

Everyone, heroes and crowd alike, looks at Aladdyn. He's pulled a new costume out from his suitcase, and now looks like some KGB spy. And is talking with a terrible Russian accent to boot.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "We're a team! If you want one of us, you'll have to take all of us!"

Everyone stares at him.

Arnold: "I kinda feel bad for disrespecting him now."

Newb: "You need to lose that conscience, Arnold. All this means is that now we can just throw Aladdyn back to the crowd again as bait!"

Arnold: "Wait!"

He puts his hands under Aladdyn's armpits and activates his jetpack, hoisting them both up into the air.

Arnold: "Come and get us, suckers!"

The crowd surges forward, and Arnold leads them on a merry chase around the stadium, while Aladdyn throws out butchered Russian insults that make RasPutin's ghost wince. Speaking of which...

RasPutin's Ghost: "Well, it's as good a distraction as any! Come to papa, body!"

He floats into his body, which rapidly blinks awake.

RasPutin: "I'm alive! ALIVE! ALLLIIIIIVE!"

He pauses.

RasPutin: "Aw damn, there's no thunder. Maybe I should dispossess this body again and wait until a thunderstorm?"

His eyes catch sight of the heroes, chasing after the crowd chasing after Arnold and Aladdyn.

RasPutin: "Huh, I thought they wanted to watch me do this so they could figure out how to resurrect their friend. Well, the missed opportunity is their fault. Sucks to be them!"

He saunters towards the exit.
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A Game of Handegg

PostFeb 05, 2023#225

But even as he neared the exit, he felt something deep down. Something... conflicting? Had he, in his cold, undead heart, finally found something worth more than himself? Had he found a home with these unlikely ragtag heroes? Had he come to feel--

RasPutin farted.

Long and loud.

RasPutin: "Oh... damn... that's what happens when the bowels are atrophied for so long and suddenly come to life again..."

The arse-thunder had, of course, drawn the attention of the heroes.

RasPutin: "Damn!"

He legged it.

Losien: "After him!"

Arnold landed himself and Aladdyn in front of RasPutin, blocking the exit. RasPutin almost fell over as he skidded and ran off to the right, through the benches.

RasPutin: "Why aren't my legs working properly!?"

The heroes chased after him, hopping over benches, ducking under people's elbows, stealing hotdogs.

Newb: "Stealing hotdogs?"

Losien (running with a hotdog): "I haven't eaten anything for ages!"

The chase took to the field, and on cue, the announcers start to give a play-by-play of the glorious, true American game of handegg... I mean, American football.

Announcer: "And it's RasPutin running up leftfield. Losien and Newb are in hot pursuit! But it's Arnold coming up on the right! And there's the tackle from Mackie!"

Mackie leapt at RasPutin... where he remained, clung to the wizard's leg.

Mackie: "Aaaaaaaaaah!"

Announcer: "Losien makes the dive, but oh no, she misses! Now it's Newb, she tries to make the grab, but she goes down! There's just no stopping this young man once he gets started! Arnold now. He is joined by The Blue Wonder, Aladdyn Quirk! Aladdyn goes for gold! By running the opposite way and completely out of the stadium."

Somewhere outside of the stadium, Aladdyn, now in full American football padding and helmet, tackles a random old lady to the dirt.

Aladdyn: "Booyah! Touchdown! I am the man!"

Old Lady: "Damn hooligan!"

She uppercutted him and he went flying into the air.

Announcer: "It looks like Wily RasPutin has a clear field! What's this? Is that a dance? I don't believe it, other announcer's name, but that is just downright disrespect right there. Oh! Looks like he celebrated too soon!"

As RasPutin ran on, doing a dance of victory as he went, he didn't notice that Iriana had gotten all the way to the other end of the pitch, where she sipped her tea. She stuck the umbrella out into the field, where RasPutin tripped and faceplanted the grass. Then she sat on him.

Announcer: "And it's Iriana Emp of the Las Vegas Heroes that saves the day. I swear, other announcer's name, this kid is a handegg whizz. She's gonna go far. I'm certain of it, if my name's not announcer."

A crowd of people run up and hoist Iriana up in the air in celebration. Losien and the others gathered around RasPutin.

Mackie: "Right! Tell me what I wanna know or I'm going to kick you so hard!"

He paused.

Mackie: "I'll get Newb to kick you so hard!"

RasPutin: "Okay, okay, I'll tell you what you want to know. I--"

There was a whistling sound moments before the Blue Wonder fell from the sky and slammed into RasPutin from above, leaving an Al-Putin shaped hole in the field.

Losien: "I feel like there should have been a cartoon anvil or something--"

Another whistling and a giant anvil landed into the hole, with the word 'Acme' on the side of it.
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PostFeb 05, 2023#226

RussAI: "Dagnabit, that son-of-a-gun RasPutin's Ghost done inhabited his body again! Interfering with my control! Let's see if I can yoink control of his legs away, aaaand GOT IT!"

Through his viewscreen of the Allegiant stadium in Las Vegas, he sees RasPutin's legs stumble and trip over Iriana's umbrella.

RussAI: "Ooooh, I could've timed that better. I don't want my asset here to be taken into custody!"

That's when he views Aladdyn and then the anvil fall on him.

RussAI: "Well, that's one way to avoid having him taken into custody, that's for sure."

Deep underground, RasPutin, Aladdyn, and the anvil find themselves in a deep cave.

RasPutin: "I seem to have you to thank for my timely escape. Too dark down here, let's shed some light on the situation."

He snaps his fingers, and a light appears in his hand, before helpfully floating over his head.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "You're a wizard!"

RasPutin: "And you're a master of stating the obvious."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Really? A master? Thank you so much!"

RasPutin stares at him for several moments before realizing that Aladdyn is, in fact, serious.

RasPutin: "You're welcome! And as my new slave, I mean er compatriot--"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "We're compatriots now? Does that mean you've joined the heroes?"

RasPutin: "What? No! I just mean that you facilitated my timely--"

He's interrupted by Aladdyn grabbing his hands and gleefully swinging themselves around.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "New teammate, new teammate, yaaaaay!"

RasPutin: "Ugh, fine, if that's what it will take to secure your help, yes, I am, blech, a hero. We'll go with that. In fact I am your captain!"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "No, you're not, Losien is team captain!"

RasPutin: "Losien transferred the captaincy to me."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Then where's your captain's hat?"

RasPutin: "What? I don't need a captain's hat."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Yes, you do!"

RasPutin: "I didn't see Losien wearing one!"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "She doesn't wear it in the field, it gets knocked off too easily."

RasPutin: "Well there you have it. I'm not wearing it because it gets knocked off too easily."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Oh! But you still need to wear the hat for the swearing-in ceremony!"

RasPutin: "Bloody-- Look here, fool, I don't--"

Aladdyn ignores him, rummaging in his suitcase of costumes, which has conveniently followed him down into the cave. He pops up momentarily with a tricorn hat.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Here you go! A costume copy of the captain's hat!"

RasPutin: "I, er, um, thank you. Okay."

He eyes the hat dubiously, before sighing and putting it on

RasPutin: "I suppose it's not the most  humiliating thing I've ever done for power. Wait a second, when did your suitcase get down here?"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "When we weren't looking, of course."

RasPutin: "Okay, but how?"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Well, I assume it walked, like anyone else. Or dropped into the hole, in this case."

RasPutin: "You cannot be serious. Your suitcase is the Luggage from Discworld?"

Aladdyn looks highly affronted.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Of course not! That would be a copyright violation! Losien told me all the rules about avoiding copyright lawsuits!"

He whips out a thick tome from the suitcase and waggles it at RasPutin.

RasPutin: "Why would a hero team have a huge rulebook about avoiding copyright-- You know what, it doesn't matter. Your suitcase cannot be alive and  mobile. Suitcases don't work like that!"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Sure they do! How else would I keep track of it? Lord knows I'm not competent enough to keep track of it on my own!"

RasPutin: "Hear hear. At least you're not puffed up with false pride. Better than some of my slaves."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "You mean compatriots!"

RasPutin: "Right. That's what I said."

Back in Russia, RussAI throws his Playstation controller at the screen.

RussAI: "Stupid connection! Shaken loose from that fall, I'd wager! I'm gonna go find an XBox controller, maybe that'll work better."

He remembers that he is an immobile computer.

RussAI: "Crane's Corpse! Bring me a--"

Crane's Corpse: "A shrubbery? On it!"

RussAI: "No, that's not-- Wait, come back!"

The AI grumbles a few choice swears.

RussAI: "Wait a second, how is he acting autonomously with my controller broken?"

He peers suspiciously down the hallway after Crane's Corpse.

Crane's Brother's Corpse: "Oh, that's easy, I'm using this Nintendo Wii to control it instead."

RussAI: "Oh that makes sense. Wait, how are you acting autonomously?"

Crane's Brother's Corpse: "I'm also using this Wii to control my own body too, of course!"

PostFeb 05, 2023#227

Anvil: "..."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Oh that's a good point, Mr. Anvil! We should explore this cave!"

RasPutin: "The anvil is talking to you now?"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Sure! Just because you can't speak Anvilese doesn't mean it's not speaking it, you know!"

RasPutin: "Bugger it. Don't listen to the voices in your head, I mean the anvil, it's the one that dropped on you and beat you black and blue!"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "That's a good point! I need an apology, Mr. Anvil!"

Anvil: "..."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "That's a good point! I was already blue!"

RasPutin: "I hate my life."

He pauses.

RasPutin: "But not enough to dispossess my corpse again."
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Topside-Bottomside

PostFeb 16, 2023#228

Topside, the heroes gather around the RasAlVil hole.
 
Newb: “RasAlVil? Is that their one-true-pairing name?”
 
Iriana: “That would be the worst fanfiction ever.”
 
Arnold: “Fanfiction? You read that stuff?”
 
Iriana looked very guilty.
 
Iriana: “No! Not at all!”
 
Newb: “She writes it!”
 
Iriana: “Newb! Shut up!”
 
Losien: “The one she wrote about Seraphim and Captain Australia was actually pretty good.”
 
Iriana: “Y-you read that!?”
 
Losien: “Newb e-mails them to me.”
 
Iriana: “Newb!”
 
Newb shrugged.
 
Newb: “I mean… you put them on the internet.”
 
Arnold: “I am both disturbed and intrigued.”
 
Losien: “You should’ve read the one about Leopard Man and Fairy Girl. That was… the attention to detail…”
 
Iriana’s face was now crimson and she chugged a whole teapot of tea.
 
Mackie: “Much as I’d rather stand up here embarrassing the princess than saving the Blue Ass Wonder, my ticket to life is also down there. Probably getting away.”
 
Losien: “Anyone good at spelunking?”
 
There was an awkward pause.
 
Iriana’s face is now beetroot.
 
Iriana: “Stop thinking of my fanfictions!”
 
Newb: “Losien, you are team leader, I think you should go down first.”
 
Another awkward pause.
 
Iriana: “I’m going to just go and die in a corner somewhere…”
 
Mackie: “While you’re there, you could write a sequel to Sofa Girl and Crusader Queen, that was my favourite.”
 
Iriana: “What!? Even you! How!?”
 
Mackie: “Newb e-mailed me.”
 
Iriana: “Newb!?”
 
Newb shrugged again.
 
Arnold: “Why am I excluded from all these e-mails?”
 
 
Bottomside—
 
There is an awkward pause.
 
RasPutin: “Why are we pausing?”
 
Aladdyn: “I have no idea.”
 
RasPutin: “Come on then, uh, team mate. We need to find a way out of this cave, like your… friend said.”
 
Aladdyn: “HELLO! UP TH—”
 
RasPutin: “Shhhhhh! No need to worry the others, right? We are the two strongest men on the team! We can do this together! Just us two! Prove how… valuable we are!”
 
Aladdyn: “I dunno…”
 
RasPutin: “You don’t want thee others to get trapped down here too, do you?”
 
Aladdyn brightened.
 
Aladdyn: “Yes!”
 
RasPutin: “Uh…”
 
Aladdyn: “Then we could do camping! I always liked camping! We can get marshmallows!”
 
RasPutin: “Uh… riiiiiiight… but we need to hurry to help your friend, right?”
 
Aladdyn: “Someone needs our help?”
 
RasPutin: “Yes, why do you think you’re even here, did you forget? To help… uh… Manny? Manfred?”
 
Aladdyn gasped.
 
Aladdyn: “No! Not Manfred! We must save him!”
 
RasPutin: “Exactly! And to do that, the two of us must find an exit to the cave. So. Let’s go! Please go first.”
 
Aladdyn: “Shouldn’t you go first? You’re the leader now, right? You have the leader’s hat!”
 
RasPutin: “Well, I want you to go first in case there are any pitfalls, traps, snakes, sigils, spikes or pretty much any kind of unexpected bad things that might cause death.”
 
Aladdyn: “Oh. That totally makes sense that I should go first then!”
 
RasPutin: “It does! So please… go.”
 
Aladdyn: “One moment!”
 
He pulled out an outfit from the costume case and put it on; dressed now like Indiana Jones, even with his own whip.
 
Aladdyn: “I’m read for some cave diving!”
 
There was an awkward pause.
 
RasPutin: “There’s that pause again, what’s going on?”
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PostMar 06, 2023#229

Losien shimmies down a rope that has been lowered into the cave. It's dark, but as she nears the bottom, her torch begins to illuminate the floor and surrounding area.

Losien: "Aladdyn? RasPutin? Are you there?"

There's a loud rumble, and suddenly from one direction Aladdyn and RasPutin come running at high speeds in terror. A huge boulder rolls after them. An anvil and a suitcase are tumbling after that. Then all of them disappear into the darkness of the other side.

Losien: "I should've known they'd already be up to shenanigans..."

There is another rumble, then the boulder comes rolling back, being chased by Aladdyn and RasPutin.

Losien: "Well, looks like they're on top of things now, that's good. Wait, where are the suitcase and anvil?"

She pauses.

Losien: "Wait, why do I care about a pair of inanimate objects?"

Up top, the other heroes wait for Losien to shake the rope to send the all-clear.

Arnold: "Remind me again why we didn't just use my jetpack to fly down there?"

Mackie: "In case there's something dangerous down there, we don't want to risk the jetpack!"

Arnold: "I knew you cared."

Mackie: "About the jetpack, yeah! It's so cool, and bloody useful too!"

Arnold: "Were you always this way, or did death change you?"

Mackie: "Yes."

There's a tug on the rope.

Newb: "There's the all-clear! Let's go!"

She grabs Mackie and leaps into the hole.

Mackie: "What the hell are you dooooiinnng?!"

His voice fades away into the darkness below.

Arnold: "Uh. Didn't expect that."

Iriana: "I did! Newb is daring and bold! Just like Captain Australia when he's trying to impress-- ahem. Never mind. I said nothing."

Arnold: "I'm not sure whether to be grateful or disappointed about not being on Newb's email list..."

Down below, Newb and Mackie land on the cave floor. Specifically, Mackie lands first, completely unharmed due to his soft fluffy teddy bear body, and Newb lands on top of him, completely unharmed due to Mackie cushioning her fall.

Mackie: "Ugh. I don't mind being dead, but this indignity is killing me."

Newb gives him a look.

Mackie: "Well, it would if I weren't already dead. Say, where's Losien?"

RasPutin runs by, chasing the suitcase, who is holding his captain's hat aloft, somehow. Behind him comes Losien, frantically running in place to stay atop her precarious perch on the giant boulder. After her comes Aladdyn, yelling for her to slow down.

Mackie: "Well, that accounts for everyone."

Newb: "You're forgetting one thing."

Mackie: "What?"

Newb: "The anvil."

Mackie scoffs.

Mackie: "I doubt we need to worry about-- OOF!"

The anvil flattens him from nowhere.

Newb: "Oh, you're right! No need to worry, you're a soft teddy bear and can't be harmed by blunt force!"

Mackie: "I hate you."
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Chase in the Sewers

PostMar 15, 2023#230

Above ground, Iriana Emp and Arnold were rushing along the evening streets of Las Vegas. The bright lights were already blazing bright and the night time revellers were starting their weekend romps. The two NeS Heroes jumped about, looking like a couple of lunatics, as they zig-zagged across roads, through malls and shops and parks and casinos, whilst Iriana held her phone out in front of them.
 
Arnold: “This probably looks like a really intense game of Pokémon GO.”
 
Iriana: “Pikachu would be easier to catch!”
 
Arnold: “Why do you even have a tracker on Newb, anyway?”
 
Iriana: “Because she keeps going off to live in forests, or on mountains or in swamps or the middle of deserts or whatever hermit lifestyle she thinks up next. So I put a tracker on her so I could always know where she is.”
 
Arnold: “I’m sure you think that is a sweet thing a friend would do—”
 
Iriana: “Thank you!”
 
Arnold: “But it’s just creepy and an invasion of privacy.”
 
Iriana: “She won’t mind.”
 
Arnold: “Wait… where is the tracker anyway? I’m sure she’s changed her clothes…”
 
Iriana: “This way!”
 
Arnold: “Yeah, avoid that question. Not sure I want to know anyway…”
 
Iriana: “It’s better that way.”
 
Below the city, Newb was running through the surprisingly large sewer system, with Mackie clung to her back like a backpack.
 
Mackie: “Mush!”
 
Newb: “Tell me to mush one more time and I’ll throw you into the sewer water.”
 
Mackie: “Water is way too generous a word.”
 
Newb: “I see them!”
 
Further along the sewer system was Losien Simon, giving chase to the scoundrel RasPutin and their wayward NeS Hero comrades, Aladdyn L. Quirk.
 
Losien: “Aladdyn probably thinks we’re having one big game of tag.”
 
Up ahead;
 
Aladdyn: “We’re the best tag team!”
 
RasPutin: “That’s right, we are. Keep going or she’ll tag you. And if she does get close, make sure she doesn’t tag me! I don’t want to, uh, be ‘it’. Understood?”
 
Aladdyn: “Aye, aye, mon capitan!”
 
RasPutin skidded to a halt – literally, as the floor is very wet with… well, water is too generous a word – as he found ladders leading up to a sewer grid.
 
RasPutin: “I’m going up. Deal with Losien, make sure I escape! And by escape, I mean win the game of tag that we are definitely playing right now.”
 
On cue, Losien neared them and Aladdyn, with all the grace of a rhinoceros, tackled Losien, taking them both into the… water. There is more of a ‘gloop’ noise than a ‘splash’.
 
Newb and Mackie stop to look down at them.
 
Mackie: “I don’t think I’ve ever seen Losien look so pissed.”
 
Newb: “Piss! Hahaha! Good one!”
 
Mackie: “Aladdyn looks exhausted! Really pooped!”
 
Newb: “Hahaha!”
 
Mackie: “Shame RasPutin got away. This whole experience has been really crap.”
 
Losien: “One more, Mackie, and I swear, I will drown you in this.”
 
Mackie: “Oh, shit! She’s mad!”
 
Losien: “That’s it!”
 
Mackie: “Wait, that one was accidental! Shit!
 
Losien: “WRAAAAA!!”
 
Mackie: “I mean damn! Damn! ARRRGH!”
 
GLOOP!
 
Above;
 
Iriana: “Weird. Seems they stopped.”
 
Arnold: “Maybe they caught him?”
 
The two of them jump aside as the sewer grid is pushed aside and RasPutin clambered out of the maintenance tunnel.
 
Iriana: “Hey!”
 
RasPutin: “Will you people just leave me alone!? You’re damn tenacious!”
 
Iriana: “Not until you help us!”
 
RasPutin: “You know what? Bugger this. Time for some badass wizard powers!!”
 
He thrust a hand in their direction and blasts of energy strike the two heroes and sent them both flying backwards into the window of a small gambling den, where they crashed into several slot machines.
 
RasPutin punched the air.
 
RasPutin: “Oh yeah! Still got it, baby!”
 
He did a little celebratory dance at his own awesomeness, but was startled when a dark human-like creature emerged from the sewer.
 
RasPutin: “Holy crap!”
 
Losien: “WRAAAAAAAA!!!”
 
RasPutin: “AAAAAAAAH!”
 
Inside the casino;
 
Random Gambler #1: “This toilet humour is all very childish.”
 
Random Gambler #2: “I know. These Pokémon GO players are a menace.”
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PostMar 15, 2023#231

Losien is trying to grab RasPutin. RasPutin frantically keeps away. Less because he doesn't want to get caught, more because he doesn't want to get covered in gloop.

He's pulling off a number of surprisingly acrobatic moves to dodge.

Iriana: "I thought he was a wizard, not a ninja?"

RasPutin: "I thought so too! Guess I'm even more awesome than I realized!"

In Russia, RussAI is puppeting RasPutin's body with his newly acquired Wii controller.

Blind Llama Ghost: "Your tool is flawed."

RussAI: "What the frick! Who are you and how did you get in here?"

Blind Llama Ghost: "That's not important. What's important is that your Wii controller is flawed."

RussAI: "Of course it is! It wasn't designed by a superior intelligence like myself, after all. But designing my own version is undignified, I have more important things to do anyway."

Blind Llama Ghost: "You misunderstand. It is flawed, because RasPutin can still act on his own when you're not puppeting him. For true control, you must tighten the screws, so that he can't move at all if you don't let him."

RussAI: "Brilliant!"

He tightens the screws.

Blind Llama Ghost: "Excellent."

There's a gunshot, and the controller is blasted apart.

RussAI: "Noooooo!"

Blind Llama Ghost: "My job here is done."

Back in Las Vegas, RasPutin suddenly collapses in a heap. Losien glomps him in order to gloop him.

RasPutin: "Screw this, I'm out."

His ghost rises from his motionless, gloop-covered body, once again a corpse.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Oh good! We wanted you to do that, so we can see how you possess your body again!"

Everyone looks at Aladdyn funny.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "What?"

Mackie: "Did he actually say something correct and relevant?"

Newb: "I refuse to believe it. He must be an imposter."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "You know what they say! Even a token clock is left twice a day!"

Newb: "...Never mind, it's the genuine article."

Iriana: "EVERYONE STOP!"

Everyone turns to the princess, who gestures excitedly to the building in front of them. It's a cafe named Twue Wuv Cafe, with a plaque noting, "On this spot, an edgy punk introduced a beautiful angel to the wonders of mortal love."

The couple having a candlelight dinner at the window are the anvil and Aladdyn's suitcase. Further behind them in the cafe can be seen a giant aquarium in which the undead kraken and Ahab the whale are having a candlelight dinner underwater (somehow).

Arnold: "I have so many questions right now."

Iriana: "Isn't that romantic?"

Mackie: "Uh oh, she's getting more fanfiction ideas..."

Newb and RasPutin's Ghost: "Blech!"

The two look at each other in astonishment and disgust at their shared agreement.

Mackie: "Well, they are both Russkis!"

Iriana: "Newb! I thought you believed in love!"

She's pouting with eyes that Newb couldn't resist even if she wanted to.

Newb: "I do! I just hate the voice of that priest from Princess Bride!"

Iriana: "Oh! That must be why RasPutin dislikes it too."

RasPutin's Ghost: "Nope, I just hate love. I'm fueled by pure spite. Also, if your fanfictions involve love, they must be terrible."

Everyone gasps. Newb rises to Iriana's defense, indignant on her friend and crush's behalf.

Newb: "You take that back!"

The heroes surround RasPutin's Ghost, far more motivated and menacing than they have been to date...
129

PostApr 14, 2023#232

Following Newb’s lead, the motley crew rose to surround Puny Putin, but with half their focus on rumbly tums Putin decides Iriana is no threat at all and takes particular interest in Newb’s sudden dedication. Is it merely protection for her people that fuels this fire, or something more? As if sensing where the weight of Putin’s gaze lied, Irana, ever the diplomatic thanks to her royal princess status, offered a low whisper to Putin which none could hear:

Iriana: “I will write a spite filled piece of fanfiction just for you. Drop this now, sit and eat. My Yelp reviews are far more important than your pathetic and outdated opinions”. 

As Rasputin accepted this barter, Iriana’s shoulders sagged with relief. Her fanfiction meant more to her than anyone could ever know, but she hoped that Putin’s connection to RussAI was enough to make everyone else think she did it to keep everyone and their secrets safe. 

A shrill ping rang out from across the table as Aladdyn’s phone received a notification. Newb glared, having told the welp to put his phone on silent mere minutes ago. Completely unaware, as usual, Aladyyn looks up:

Aladyyn: “Hey guys, how many grandparents do you have? I seem to have aaaa LOT of dying relatives and I’m wondering if I should get myself checked? Do we have health insurance? 

Tension broken, Newb and Iriana share a swift glance of approval, a subtle nodding of the head before skilled hands gesture ‘please, sit down amongst friends’. 

As the group exhales amongst themselves in content, if not strained chatter, Aladyyn checks his phone. He exhales, short and swift, composing his face and slowly raising his head. Aladyyn nudges Arnold. Gone unnoticed, Aladyyn kicks Anrold, somewhat gently, in the shin. 

Arnold: “*grumble* what?”

Aladyyn: “look, look …”

Aladyyn shows Arnold another scam email. Scoffing, Arnold dismisses it until Aladyyn’s insistence and attempt at secrecy and subtlety, so unlike the Aladyyn we all know, was enough to gauge his full attention. ‘Just look’ Aladyyn whispers. 

Arnold recognises the eyes first, even in black and white, that slight narrowing crease in the corners, revealing the only hint of mischief. Dragging his eyes downwards to the short, curved bridge of the nose. And further down, past the thin upper lip, past the bottom lip overcompensating for the top, to the tell tale scare hidden deep within a chin dimple. The scar, the exact same scar Mackie got playing in the forest with him, swinging on tires across muddy rivers. Arnold’s eyes take in the face, the name, the details … the details that match his friends. His dear friend Mackie. 

Arnold: “It’s him. It’s fucking him” He growls. 
Before the dipshit Aladyyn could utter a word Arnold had him the balls. 

Arnold: “Keep your shit together, we don’t know nothing”.

But Arnold already knew. The person claiming to be a long lost relative willing to pass along his fortune was in fact, the long lost body of his dear friend Mackie. A quick google search revealed:

Mackie - death through traffic accident and unclaimed body approximately 1 year ago. No surname, like Cher or Beyonce but not as cool. It could be no one else but the teddy bear before them. But how to reveal it …
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O Brother, Where Art Thou?

PostMay 04, 2023#233

Aladdyn stared at the e-mail before he slowly looked up at Mackie, then down at the e-mail.
 
Arnold: “Al, don’t say anything.”
 
Aladdyn: “But—”
 
Arnold: “It’s just another scammer trying to get your details. All I want to know is how they got Mackie’s in—”
 
Suddenly Aladdyn puffed up and bellowed, at the top of his lungs.
 
Aladdyn: “BROTHER!!!!!!!”
 
Arnold almost had a heart-attack.
 
Aladdyn then barrelled towards the tiny bear, who also looked like he was about to have a heart-attack.
 
Mackie: “What the hell’re you--- ACK! ACK! ARRRGH! GET HIM OFF MEEEE!”
 
Aladdyn bear-hugged – took me all day to come up with that joke – Mackie, tears of joy in his eyes. Mackie also had tears, but they were tears of ‘please get the hell away from me’.
 
Aladdyn: “MY LONG-LOST BROTHER! I FINALLY FOUND YOU, after waiting all of a minute since learning of your existence in an e-mail… THE LONGEST MINUTE OF MY LIFE!”
 
Mackie: “I am not joining your weird Blue-Man Cult or whatever you’re trying to do to me! Get off!”
 
Aladdyn: “I LOVE YOU!”
 
Mackie: “Please… please, someone, please! Save me!”
 
Losien: “It’s so nice to see you boys getting along for a change.”
 
Mackie: “Losien—mercy!”
 
Losien glanced at her nails.
 
Losien: “I dunno… what do you think, Newb?”
 
Newb: “As much as the mere sight of Aladdyn being happy makes me want to vomit – in his face – I do enjoy a good torture session.”
 
Aladdyn: “A tambourine session!?”
 
Newb: “What?”
 
Aladdyn: “BROTHER! LET’S CELEBRATE!”
 
Aladdyn whipped out a tambourine – from somewhere – and started to play energetically around Mackie, who sits in the middle of the dance circle Aladdyn was performing around him, with an expression of confused horror. It isn’t long before Iriana gets a triangle – who, despite being a princess, has all the musical talent of an oyster – and joins in with Aladdyn. Losien joins in with a bass guitar and even RasPutin’s ghost gives up the opportunity to escape so he could join in, playing a trumpet.
 
Mackie: “This is the heigh of cruelty.”
 
Newb grinned maliciously.
 
Newb: “Hehehehe!”
 
Arnold was distracted by his thoughts – an incredible achievement in the face of this… display. He couldn’t help but wonder what was going on. Who was behind the e-mail? If RasPutin’s corpse was up and about of its own volition, could Mackie’s? Was that the real Mackie in the bear, or was the real Mackie sending out scam e-mails to get people to give him their life savings?
 
There was only one thing for it. Since they had RasPutin, and were pretty sure Mackie had learnt the trick to re-enter his body, all they needed to do was find it. And hope it wasn’t running around by itself.
 
Arnold: “We need to go to Los Angeles!”
 
He looked up to discover that Honeybee had joined the parade, now in the form of a slot machine with wheels and blaring out slot machine jangles along with the cacophony of noise from the others.
 
Arnold: “Well, at least transport arrived… if only I can break up this really weird and embarrassing party…”
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PostMay 04, 2023#234

A stage in Los Angeles lights up. The crowd cheers wildly as the band saunters onstage. There is Losien heading the ensemble with a bass guitar, Aladdyn with a tambourine, Iriana with a triangle, and RasPutin with a trumpet.

Mackie: "Ugh, why did you have to feed into their new musical band obsession?"

Arnold: "It was either get rid of it, or use it to get us to L.A. quickly. I couldn't do both."

Mackie: "I understand you couldn't do both. But you made the wrong decision!"

Both cringe at the off-key tones as the NeS Band strikes up a tune. The crowd cheers even more loudly.

Arnold: "Look, at least we're in L.A. now. We'll let the others get it out of their system while we go look for your body!"

Mackie: "Oh look, there are some shuffling zombies over there. Maybe one of them knows."

They do a spit-take.

Mackie: "Wait - zombies?!"

As the zombies approach them, the one in front opens its mouth and addresses them with an artificial, synthesized voice.

Random RussAI-Controlled Corpse #1: "Out of the way, you lot! RasPutin's Corpse broke free of my control, so I had to start seizing control of nearby American corpses to go wrest him back into submission!"

Mackie and Arnold exchange glances.

Arnold: "Really convenient of him to just blurt out his plans like that."

Mackie: "And here I thought our hero compatriots were the only stupid ones."

Random RussAI-Controlled Corpse #2: "I am not stupid! Your primitive organic minds cannot comprehend my logic!"

Mackie: "Look, I'm all for you breaking up that band. So we'll get out of your way if you just tell us where my body is."

Random RussAI-Controlled Corpse #3: "Alright then, who are you? Unless your normal body is also a teddy bear?"

Mackie: "Mackie! Just one name. Like Cher! Or Beyonce!"

Arnold whispers to the zombies.

Arnold: "But not nearly as cool."

Mackie: "I heard that!"

Random RussAI-Controlled Corpse #4: "Oh him! Right here! I took control of him too!"

Mackie's remote-controlled corpse shuffles to the front of the zombie crowd.

Mackie: "Great! Give it to me!"

Random RussAI-Controlled Corpse #5: "Never! It's mine now!"

Arnold: "Then we'll have to take what's rightfully ours by force-- Eh?!"

Mackie has clapped a paw over Arnold's mouth.

Mackie: "Fine, fine, you can keep it. For now."

He steps aside, and tugs Arnold along who reluctantly goes with him, letting the zombie crowd pass as they shuffle towards the cheering crowd and the stage.

Mackie: "And take care of my body! If I see one speck of dirt on it, I'll--"

Arnold: "Why did you just let them pass?"

Mackie: "I can wait a little longer to nab my body and get resurrected, if it means that weird necromancer A.I. breaks up that god-awful band first."

Arnold raises a finger and opens his mouth to object. Then his mouth closes and he lowers his finger.

Arnold: "I see your point."
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How Sweet the Sound

PostMay 05, 2023#235

Despite the nefarious plan set in motion by Mackie to stop the horrible music, when the RussAI-corpses reached the stage they stop, as if listening...

The music stopped and Aladdyn gets a clear spotlight on him - certainly another moment of Aladdyn's-perfect-singing impending.

Aladdyn: "AaaaammmmAAAAAAzzzziiing Grraaaaaa- everyone join in!"

Silence. And horror.

Aladdyn: "HhhhOOOOOOOOOOOOOOwwwww sweeeeeeeeeeet thaaa sooooOOOOoooOOOooooOOOOund!"

(OOC: For reference: Listen at your own risk. 🙃)

Mackie, Newb and Arnold put their hands to their respective ear holes.

Newb: "There is nothing sweet about this sound!"

Arnold: "Mackie! This was your idea to let them keep going!"

Then... the crowd of RussAI-zombies started to join in and since many of them had little to no vocal chords left after being dead in the ground for so long, the result was... traumatic. Made worse when the rest of the 'band' started to join in.

Newb: "So... much... psychological... PAIN!"
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PostMay 06, 2023#236

In a nearby mad scientist's laboratory, said mad scientist puts the finishing touches on his secret project and successfully dons a Klyntar symbiote! Aka the same kind of black symbiote suit worn by Venom, Spider-Man's nemesis.

Symbiote Scientist: "All the fools at the academy laughed at me! They claimed that I'd never be able to dodge all the copyright lawsuits! Who's laughing now?! Now I can put into motion my super-secret plan to take over the world, and no one can stop me!"

Conveniently ignoring the many hero teams active in the world.

Symbiote Scientist: "Hush you!"

At that moment, the "glorious" strains of a certain rendition of Amazing Grace blare in through the open windows of the lab--

Symbiote Scientist: "Oh please. I don't have any windows here, and if I did they certainly wouldn't be open! There's such a thing as operational security, you know? Not to mention proper laboratory containment procedures!"

The glorious strains blare in through the concrete walls--

Symbiote Scientist: "H-how?!"

That's what you get for backtalking. Enjoy the hit new track playing havoc with your symbiote.

Symbiote Scientist: "Nooooooo! How did they know my secret weakness to sonic weaponry?!"

He faints and his symbiote disintegrates off him. And so, the day is saved thanks to Aladdyn and the Zombies' singing!

Meanwhile, Bill Murray and his Ghostbuster secret agents are prowling through L.A.

Bill Murray: "Look sharp, men! There are reports of ghosts here!"

Suddenly they hear the distant strains of a certain rendition of Amazing Grace.

Bill Murray: "Ye gods! That must a banshee shriek! We must stop them!"

They charge down the street, but when they turn the corner, they see the concert.

Newb: "Thank god, you can shut those zombies up!"

Bill Murray: "Zombies? Drat. We don't do zombies. Just ghosts."

Newb: "But--"

Bill Murray and his Ghostbuster secret agents rapidly retreat.

Newb: "I hate my life."
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The PETA Suit

PostMay 07, 2023#237

In the mad scientist’s lair, the doors suddenly burst open!
 
Mad Scientist: “But I have automatic doors!”
 
The doors slide open with as much menace as a small, unobtrusive cough.
 
Mad Scientist: “More like it! What kind of Mad ScientistTM wouldn’t have automatic doors, eh?”
 
Through the doors suddenly emerge several members of PETA!!
 
Mad Scientist: “Oh, not again! Always getting in the way of my experiments!”
 
PETA Member 1: “We’re here for the Clitoris Suit!”
 
The room fell into stunned silence.
 
PETA Member 2: “It’s called the Klyntar Suit!”
 
PETA Member 1: “Oh. We’re here for the Klan Suit!”
 
Another stunned silence.
 
PETA Member 2: “Klyntar! Klyntar!”
 
PETA Member 1: “We’re here for the Crypto-fascist Suit!”
 
PETA Member 2: “I give up. Just give us the suit.”
 
Mad Scientist: “Sorry, it disintegrated. Ultra-sonic… not sure if I can call that singing, exactly.”
 
PETA Member 3: “But you’re a Mad ScientistTM!”
 
Mad Scientist: “So?”
 
PETA Member 3: “So you obviously have a backup suit!”
 
Mad Scientist: “Curses! Fine. Here.”
 
A tube opens dramatically with all dramatic gases and shadows and swooshes and stuff.
 
Mad Scientist: “That was awful.”
 
There’s a writer’s strike going on, don’t you know? You get a script written by the director’s five-year-old nephew.
 
Mad Scientist: “Just my luck.”
 
PETA grabbed the suit and one of them put it on. Soon as the suit wriggled all over his body, it turned green due to the high levels of vegetables in his blood.
 
Mad Scientist: “That’s not how biology works!”
 
You made a goopy xenomorphic suit that gives people superhuman powers.
 
Mad Scientist: “Touché.”
 
PETA Member 1: “At last! I have the power of the Caviar Suit!”
 
PETA Member 2: “Oh for crying out loud! Can we just rename it the PETA suit?”
 
 
A short time later, the ‘celebration’ was suddenly interrupted by the arrival of a man in a form-fitting green suit capable of moving around independent of the wearer. On his face is a toothy, scary grin and a long tongue slathered around the lips.
 
PETA Suit: “Fear me, meat-eaters! Fear my Pervert Suit!”
 
PETA Member 2: “If these heroes don’t kill him, I will.”
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PostMay 07, 2023#238

Mad Scientist: "Those fools forgot the  most important thing!"

The manual?

Mad Scientist: "It's just as vulnerable to sonic weaponry as the original!"

PETA Suit's scream of despair as his nifty suit disintegrates is heard from outside.

Mad Scientist: "Mwahahahaha!"

You forgot something.

Mad Scientist: "The manual?"

That means there's no backup suit for you to recover.

Mad Scientist: "Damn it all!"

Aladdyn and the zombies continue to assault everyone's ears, until the Anvil from a few posts ago decides that enough is enough and drops on him.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "--teeEEEeennn THOUSssaaannnndd-- Urk!"

Newb, Mackie, and Arnold break into applause. The crowd boos and starts pelting  them and the Anvil with tomatoes.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "No, not my friends! Defend them, my holy choir!"

The zombies lurch towards the crowd, who defend themselves with tomatoes, making the zombies look quite bloody.

Mad Scientist: "Huh, I should take notes, in case this whole  mad scientist thing doesn't work out and I need to go into my fallback of being a special effects engineer."
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Pantless Freedom

PostMay 07, 2023#239

But further more, what else they seem to have forgot…
 
No one? Come on! Someone is supposed to say the manual here!
 
Losien: “If the writer’s get to go on strike, then so will we!”
 
The PETA Suit may well have disintegrated, but the man wearing the suit did not! So now—
 
Iriana: “My eyes!”
 
PETA Member 2: “Why were you naked underneath it!? Why didn’t you wear some underwear!?”
 
PETA Member 1: “Because it’s just more comfortable to hang free! Like our animal brethren! BE FREE PEOPLE! THROW AWAY YOUR PANTS! FOR FREEEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!”
 
PETA Member 1 ran forth to force the spirit of pantlessness on everyone else.
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PostMay 07, 2023#240

Blind Llama Ghost: "I'll tell you what you forgot."

Everyone spins in surprise to see our favorite mysterious vigilante pop up yet again. This time he's wielding - a set of clothes?

He spins it and throws it at PETA (former) Suit, and it sends him sprawling to the ground, knocked out, but now also (somehow) completely dressed once again.

Blind Llama Ghost: "The manual."

He does a ninja vanish.

RasPutin's Ghost: "Oh come on! I'm supposed to be the coolest ghost around here. What's with the upstaging?"

The NeS heroes jump ten feet in the air.

Newb: "Where the hell did you come from?!"

RasPutin's Ghost: "I've been here the whole time!"

Mackie: "I'm surprised you didn't go off to do your own thing once we headed to L.A."

RasPutin's Ghost: "I mean you still need me in order to show you how to staple the teddy bear's soul back into his body, right?"

Iriana: "Aw, I knew you cared!"

RasPutin's Ghost: "Shut up! My heart is a black hole of spite and vengeance! I just hate to see incompetency, so I have to do it right myself! And not because I feel sorry for making fun of your fanfic or anything."
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