Forums for The Plothole

Losien: “Honeybee, take us over to the skyscraper! Quickly before the necromist consumes the rooftop! We have to stop Necroman!”
 
The flying mobile phone sped through the air, its little helicopter hat whirring away. Suddenly the heroes are rattled as everything shakes.
 
Losien: “Wh-wh-what’s g-g-g-going ooooooon?”
 
Honeybee: “Um… incoming call?”
 
Arnold: “S-s-s-s-eriously?”
 
Losien: “J-j-j-just a-a-a-answer it!”
 
The vibrating stops and a voice booms over the heroes.
 
Voice: “Have you had an accident that wasn’t your fault? Were you bitten by one of your zombified neighbours? Were you struck by a stray bolt of magic? Did one of your friends start powergaming and ruined everyone’s fun? Was your cat secretly an alien? Are you a refugee from the Vegetarian Empire?”
 
Arnold: “Vegetarian what-now?”
 
Voice: “Then you need us! Lawyers extraordinaire! We have never lost a case! Our crack team were trained by the best lawyer in history, an they always take their axes to every court battle. So call ‘We Be Lawyers’ now!”
 
Losien: “Thank buggery that’s over…”
 
Arnold: “Why can I hear weird rock music?”
 
Losien: “Newb?”
 
Immigrant Song, by Led Zepplin, blasts through the interior of the Honeybee-copter. Newb is perched at the open hatch, overlooking the troubled city of Sydney, with a red bandana on her head. In her hands is a very large gun that is attached to a big fuel canister.
 
Newb plucks the cigar from her mouth.
 
Newb: “Oorah!”
 
Losien: “Newb! Not the napalm!”
 
Flame sprays out from the massive mobile phone, descending on the city below. 5G Zombies, necroids and even Galactitrons take cover to avoid being set alight.
 
Newb: “Gooooooood mooooooornin’ Sydney!”
 
The phone rattles again, so the flame sprays around like a fireworks display.
 
Losien: “S-s-s-stop th-th-that r-r-r-r-riniiiiiing!”
 
A voice sounds out;
 
Chris the Bad Guy: “Losien! My nemesis! I am free once again!!”
 
There is a pause.
 
Chris the Bad Guy: “As in I’m not grounded anymore.”
 
Another long pause.
 
Chris the Bad Guy: “Losien? Heeeeello?”
 
Losien rolls her eyes.
 
Losien: “Honeybee, hang up.”
 
Chris the Bad Guy: “Hang up!? Hey, waitaminute--!”
 
Losien: “And now mute all incoming calls.”
 
Arnold: “We’re over the building now!”
 
Losien leans out of the hatch to peer down. Necroman is there, taunting the last Australian survivors with his necromist.
 
Losien: “Newb, hold the grappling hook, I’m going down!”
 

---

 
The soldiers were grappling with the necroids, but were being bitten and scratched as the manic blue-skinned fools cackled and wrestled like it was all a fun game. The police surrounded the remaining survivors, with the prime minister at the middle.
 
Necroman then looked up.
 
Necroman: “That’s something you don’t see every day… oof!”
 
Necroman stumbled back and his pink top hat fell to the floor. Losien’s work boots smacked against the roof, looking all heroic and stuff.
 
Losien: “That wasn’t a very good description, Narrator…”
 
Necroman: “Did… did you just hit me with an inflated condom?”
 
Losien sighed.
 
Losien: “First thing that came to hand…”
 
She let go of the grappling hook. A moment later, Arnold swooped down with his jet pack and landed just behind Losien. Then came Iriana Emp, drifting down gently with a parasol - à la Peach - and landed on the other side of Losien.
 
Necroman: “Oh! That’s pretty cool! Like the super team arrives, right?”
 
Then a blue streak drops… misses the roof and continues down towards the streets below. Losien closes her eyes, able to read what had just happened through the wincing of the people around her.
 
Losien: “Aladdyn just missed the roof didn’t he?”
 
Necroman: “Whoever it was, they’re going to be a red mist soon. Kind of embarrassing. I feel bad for you.”
 
Losien: “Yep. A lot of people do. Thanks.”
 
Losien turned around, but then, rising from below, came a large, metal humanoid.
 
CopyKAT: “I think you lost something…”
 
In his arms is Aladdyn.
 
Aladdyn: “My hero!”
 
CopyKAT and Aladdyn join Losien and Arnold.
 
Losien: “Avengers, assemble!”
 
Arnold: “Whoa, that’s major copyright infringement. Those lawyers from the phone call will show up if you keep that up!”
 
Necroman: “This is it? Your whole team? Not… the most impressive troupe I’ve ever seen…”
 
Losien: “Newb! Bring the rain!”
 
Necroman: “Don’t you mean pain? Isn’t that the expression?”
 
Losien shrugged.
 
Losien: “Eh. Both will work.”
 
Paint it Black by the Rolling Stones blared out from the flying phone now, followed by a pouring of flaming rain that fell upon the necroids.
 
Newb: “Oorah!”

Random Necroid #1: "Awesome, let's go for a swim!"

Newb: "Not the reaction I was hoping for. They know it's boiling, right?"

Random Necroid #2: "Oh, so it's a giant hot tub? Amazing!"

Necroids start cannonballing into the napalm with glee.

Losien: "Well, either way you can't argue with the results."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "A hot tub? Sign me up!"

Arnold grabs the back of Aladdyn's vest to hold on to him, preventing him from diving to his doom. Aladdyn's legs are comically cycling in place like a cartoon character's.

Iriana: "I see you've already caught on to how this team works."

Necroman: “Well, as fun as this has been, I think it is time for me to make my exit stage left!”
 
Losien: “Quick! Cover the left flank!”
 
Necroman: “Uh. I didn’t mean that literally. I was speaking metaphorically…”
 
Losien: “Oh…”
 
Necroman: “Instead, I’ll do this--!”
 
From behind Necroman the necromist rose like a wave and, before any of the NeS Heroes could regret ever leaving the safety of Honeybee’s interior, they were all engulfed. Newb, who was still sat in the open hatch of Honeybee above, gasped with sudden concern.
 
Newb: “Iriana!!!”
 
She paused.
 
Newb: “And, uh, everyone else too!!”
 
She dropped the napalm gun.
 
Newb: “Honeybee! We need to get closer so they can get inside!”
 
Honeybee’s little helicopter hat whirred until they were closer to the mist layer, which now covered the whole rooftop.
 
Newb: “Iriana? Losien?”
 
From the mist came two hands, which latched onto the rim of the hatch. One was gloved in delicate, white satin and the other hand protruded from a worn-out shirt. Iriana and Losien.
 
Newb: “…guys?”
 
The two women leapt up and tackled Newb into the inside compartment. Their usually white skin was now blue and both wore such wide grins that they looked alien to their true selves.
 
Necroid Iriana: “NEWB! HOW ARE YOOOOOOU~~!?”
 
Newb: “I’ve been better!”
 
She pushed away from them, but the two women frantically grabbed and pawed at her legs as she tried to scramble away from them.
 
Losien: “Where are you going, Newb!? Don’t you want to play with us!?”
 
Newb: “Not bloody likely.”
 
Newb got to her feet and started to run away, but she saw a fur-coated Arnold climb aboard. All of his usual red fur was now blue, though he had somehow lost his jet pack. Instead, he had hold of Newb’s napalm gun and was shaking it around.
 
Arnold: “How do I turn on the fireworks!? Go, go, go!”
 
Newb skidded to a halt and leapt aside as the gun went off and sent a torrent of napalm through the room, where it slapped against the floor and continued to burn.
 
Arnold: “Coooooooool! I mean… hot? Whatever! Burny, burny!”
 
Newb managed to get to her duffel bag while Arnold was still playing with his new toy and pulled out a Glock.
 
Newb: “I don’t want to hurt any of you…”
 
Then another blue NeS Hero climbed in.
 
Newb: “Spoke too soon!”
 
She rose the pistol at Aladdyn, but he quickly waved his hands at her.
 
Aladdyn: “Newb! Newb! Everyone else has been turned into a necroid!”
 
Newb sighed.
 
Newb: “The only one I want to shoot…”
 
Aladdyn trotted over to her.
 
Aladdyn: “CopyKAT is trying to stop the rest of the necroids from getting onboard.”
 
They started for the door.
 
Arnold: “I’ve got some hot stuff, baby, this evening~~!”
 
Newb: “Hey, Arnold!”
 
Arnold: “Ohoho! Like the TV show—ACK!”
 
She smacked him in the face with the butt of the gun.
 
Arnold: “Oooooooow! That hurt!”
 
He started giggling at his own pain.
 
Newb: “Damn, I thought that’d knock you out.”
 
Just outside CopyKAT was slowly making his way towards Honeybee with a mountain of necroids clinging to his back and being dragged along, including the politicians.
 
Necroman: “Is this The End for our intrepid heroes? Tune in next time--!”
 
Newb: “Does that mean you’re going to leave?”
 
Necroman grinned up at her.
 
Necroman: “Wouldn’t that be a bit anticlimactic?”
 
And speaking of anticlimactic…
 
Newb: “Huh?”
 
Suddenly, a mass of heroes, superheroes, magical heroes, alien heroes… pretty much every hero team on Earth showed up. It turns out mucking about with the 5G Network, thinking it caused COVID, meant that Australia had an outage in communications with the rest of the world, so when the government tried to contact hero teams, no one could respond. Now, thanks to Losien’s clogging up the 5G Network to attract the 5G Zombies, the backlog of communiqués was finally sent.
 
Many of the heroes were protected from the necromist via magic, technology bubbles or whatever made-up-crap Writers usually pull out of their asses to explain away something. They grabbed Necroman, who was very surprised, and knocked him out. As soon as he was out cold, the mist disappeared and everyone was restored.
 
Newb: “Wow… that was anticlimactic.”
 
Aladdyn: “Hello fellow superhero teams!”
 
He waved at the many heroes on the rooftop, but they all blanked the NeS Heroes and were schmoozing with the politicians. Reporters were filming and thanking these heroes for their deeds and everyone ignored the poor NeS Heroes, who floated in the flying mobile phone.
 
Losien: “Of course it ends this way… every time we do something, nobody notices.”
 
CopyKAT: “I noticed.”
 
They looked down and saw the Galactitron Warrior just below them.
 
CopyKAT: “My friends… and yes, I think I can call you that. If you can put up with me when I was a dog, I think I can be a better friend to you all now. You went out of your way to save this land, and save me! You are owed something for your service.”
 
He lifted his Medallion.
 
CopyKAT: “This Medallion can change reality itself. I can grant you whatever wish you desire. If you want the fame and recognition you deserve—”
 
He glanced back at the crowds of heroes that stole the spotlight.
 
CopyKAT: “—I can do that for you?”
 
Losien: “If we did that… then I don’t think we’d truly deserve it, would we?”
 
Newb: “Whoa, wait. Losien. Look. I know we’re the goody-goodies and all, but seriously? I want a Porsche. Just saying.”
 
Losien: “It’s disappointing, but that’s what it means to be a NeS Hero. We do what we do to protect the Neverending Story. This Chapter might be over, but there will be more Stories to come, I’m sure of it.”
 
Iriana: “What about Arnold? Perhaps you want CopyKAT to return you to being human?”
 
Arnold considered it a moment.
 
Arnold: “I… I don’t know. I started to get used to it. I… also don’t like the idea of magical amulets altering reality, if I’m being honest. Sorry, Kat.”
 
CopyKAT: “I have an eighty-percent success rate with this thing, you know!?”
 
Arnold: “… only eighty!? What happens when it doesn’t work?”
 
CopyKAT: “There may have been the odd explosion here and there…”
 
Arnold: “I’ll pass!”
 
Losien: “I think it’s time for us to head back to our island home then. At least this means we get to avoid paperwork!”
 
Iriana: “What about you, doggy? I mean… Kat?”
 
CopyKAT smiled at Iriana.
 
CopyKAT: “Thank you for being so kind, Iri. I’ll return to my world and help the king restore order. My wife, Stargaze, tells me there is much to be done. Goodbye… heroes.”
 
Losien: “Not just heroes…”
 
Aladdyn cheered.
 
Aladdyn: “NES HEROES!”
 
Newb: “So lame…”
 
Iriana gave her a hug.
 
Iriana: “You secretly love it! I know you do!”
 
With that, the door closed as they gave CopyKAT a final wave farewell. Honeybee - still as an embarrassing flying mobile phone with a helicopter hat – flew the heroes home as the people of Australia were left to pick up the pieces of their necroid-free lives.
 

---

 
One week later.
 
Losien: “I’m glad you’re both feeling better.”
 
Losien was talking to Wai and Char via Skype call.
 
Char: “This CynthAI seems to be causing all manner of problems here at Sanctuary. Nothing too serious, mostly frustrating.”
 
Wai: “She infected a vacuum the other day and made it hoover my face. That was more than frustrating.”
 
Losien: “At least she’s not infecting your brain anymore.”
 
Wai: “Yeah, just makes them a bigger pain in the backside because now they remember every tiny sniffle!”
 
Char: “That does remind me, in fact, you did not take your vitamins this morning.”
 
Wai groaned.
 
Outside;
 
Aladdyn: “What are you doing, Newb?”
 
Newb: “Setting up some new traps!”
 
Arnold turned to Aladdyn.
 
Arnold: “Seems CopyKAT heard Newb and gave her a gift after all.”
 
Down the driveway was a brand-new Porsche.
 
Honeybee: “I hope I’m not being replaced as team mascot?”
 
Arnold: “I don’t think the Porsche is as smart as you, Honeybee.”
 
Honeybee: “How sweet you are!”
 
Arnold: “Though I bet it doesn’t remind everyone how they’re inside her all the time…”
 
Newb: “I’ve gotta make sure it’s protected!”
 
Aladdyn: “From who? There’s nobody else on the island.”
 
Newb glared at Aladdyn.
 
Newb: “I have installed seekers that specifically target idiots with blue skin.”
 
Aladdyn: “Huh? That’s weird. Who would have blue skin, anyway? Hahaha!”
 
Arnold: “Just another day in the life…”
 
Finally, up in Iriana’s Lighthouse;
 
Iriana: “And so ends this tale of necroids, robots and pandemics! Father, I hope you, your wife and my new sibling are well. All the best. Iriana.”
 
She put down the quill and blew gently on the letter to dry the fresh ink. She then popped it inside an envelope and used a traditional wax seal to close it. It was the small touches of antiquity that made her happy.
 
She looked out of the large window, out across the ocean and wondered…
 
What’s next?

Newb: "I am not spying on Iriana."

This is technically true, because she immediately redirected her binoculars as soon as she heard Losien coming up behind her.

Losien: "So you're just being paranoid and looking out for more bad guys then?"

Her voice is dry and sarcastic. Newb pretends not to notice.

Newb: "Yes."

Losien: "Just ask her out. The worst she can do is say no."

Newb: "If I want trite advice, I'll watch Dr. Phil. Beat it, I'm trying to keep our security tight since the rest of you lot just loaf about."

Losien shakes her head, but heads back down the hill without comment. Newb turns her binoculars back to watching Iriana drink tea. Despite her fearlessness, she's nervous about the idea of broaching the subject with Iriana. If only there were some easy way...

Newb: "Aha! The blue idiot can grant wishes! It just has to be something I'm theoretically capable of doing, and I'm theoretically capable of asking her out, so it should work. Right?"

So decided, she hops up from her lookout position and trots down the hill in search of Aladdyn. He's easy to spot, as he's trying to learn how to fly Arnold's jetpack and is failing spectacularly with numerous bangs and crashes against surfaces, as Arnold winces in sympathy.

Newb: "Oi, you! Get down here!"

Arnold: "Wait, don't distract him--"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Oh hi Newb! Did you want to take jetpack lessons too - oof!"

He crashes into the side of a building, the reverberating force from the impact shattering a window Losien just replaced.

Newb: "Well, he got down here anyway."

She hurries over to where Aladdyn is picking himself up from the ground, a bit dazed, and puts him in a chokehold.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Urk!"

Newb: "I've captured you, so you have to grant me a wish, right? Nod if you understand."

Aladdyn nods confusedly as he breathes with some difficulty.

Newb: "I will skin you alive if you tell anyone what my wish is. Nod again if you understand."

Aladdyn doesn't nod.

Newb: "Really?! Okay, how about this. I will shoot you in the face if you tell anyone what my wish is. Nod if you understand."

Again, no nod.

Newb: "Come on, you can't be that dense! Oh, he passed out."

Arnold: "What the heck, Newb? You can't be choking teammates!"

Newb: "I wasn't trying to make him pass out. Usually I just wait for people to turn blue as a warning sign, but since he's already blue... Anyway, just get your jetpack and scram. I'm, uh, gonna help Aladdyn train."

Arnold eyes her suspiciously.

Arnold: "That's not a euphemism for sex, is it?"

Newb: "What? Ew! No! Scram with your gross ideas!"

Arnold: "Fine."

He leaves, and Newb, having relaxed her chokehold somewhat, slaps Aladdyn awake.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Bwuh? Hey Newb! Did you come to train with a jetpack too- urk!"

Newb: "No, you're granting me a wish, remember? And I'll skin you alive and shoot you in the face if you tell anyone what my wish is. Got it?"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Really? How would you skin me and shoot me at the same time?"

Newb: "Unless you want to find out, tell me you understand."

Aladdyn looks conflicted.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "I don't know, I'm kind of curious now."

Newb shakes him exasperatedly.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Fine, I understand. Spoilsport. What's your wish?"

Newb: "I wish to have a date with Iriana."

Instantly the two of them teleport away and appear next to Iriana, who gasps in surprise but expertly keeps herself from spewing any of her tea.

Iriana: "Hello! What brings you here? I thought you were trying out Arnold's jetpack, Aladdyn, does it teleport too?"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "I was, but then Newb wanted to have tea with you!"

Newb: "That's not quite--"

She thinks better of it and clams up.

Iriana: "Wonderful! Sit down!"

To Newb's consternation, Aladdyn sits as well, while Iriana gives them each a teacup.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Huh? Wait, there's something in my pocket. Hold on."

He fishes out a small fruit and puts it on the table. Newb groans.

Newb: "A date. Of course it's a date..."

Arnold: “So, Losien, how do we, you know, get a mission?”
 
Arnold had just walked into the room where Losien was now assembling flat-packed IKEA furniture – the only way to get furniture on the island at all.
 
She pulled the screwdriver from her mouth.
 
Losien: “Well… uh… stuff usually just sort of… happens.”
 
Arnold: “Oh. That doesn’t seem very… efficient…”
 
Losien: “If you’re bored…”
 
She pointed towards the stacks of flat-packed furniture, currently a mountain of boxes. Arnold whimpered. He was too nice to say no, but really didn’t want the daunting task of trying to figure out what screw goes where and which way up a door is supposed to be. Reluctantly, he approached the assortment of boxes.
 
Arnold: “A flat-packed refrigerator? Really?”
 
Losien: “Do you want to pay for a pre-assembled fridge and import it here?”
 
Arnold: “It just seems… dangerous.”
 
Losien: “I’m sure we’ll manage!”
 
Losien stabbed the cupboard she was putting together.
 
Arnold: “I don’t think that’s how screwdrivers work…”
 
Losien: “It does when the cupboard is being uncooperative!”
 
Then, there was a strange rumbling. It lasted a minute then stopped.
 
Losien: “… do you know if Iriana has been slipping things into the tea again?”
 
Arnold: “I felt it too.”
 
Losien: “I want to say that’s a relief, but side-effects from being spiked by Iriana’s happy-time-tea means I’d have an explanation for why the island is shaking.”
 
The two of them went outside.
 
They were in an old warehouse that was close to the eastern beach. They could see the sand start bouncing as the rumbling began again.
 
Arnold: “Is there a volcano on the island you forgot about?”
 
Losien: “Not unless you consider Newb an active volcano?”
 
Then, from the sand, burst a massive drilling machine! Sand blasted everywhere as the machine hopped from its tunnel and landed on the surface.
 
On the side of the machine was etched ‘The Boring Company’.
 
Losien: “Oh no!”
 
Elon Musk: “Make way, make way! Hyperloop coming through!”
 
From atop of the machine poked Elon Musk’s head.
 
Elon Musk: “This crappy, nowhere island is going to be drilled by my big, thick… driller.”
 
He patted his massive… driller.
 
Elon Musk: “Gotta get my new Hyperloop from Australia-to-Japan done before that Richard Branson bastard does it first!”
 
Losien ran over to Elon’s big, fat… driller. She was waving her hand frantically.
 
Losien: “Stop! No! We don’t want your fantasy subway here!”
 
Elon Musk: “F-f-fantasy!? It’s totally real! Totally science! I have the spreadsheets to prove it! Hyperloop denier!”
 
Losien: “Say whatever you want, we still don’t want it here! I own this island!”
 
Elon Musk: “Oh? Lemme see your contract!”
 
Losien, for some reason, had it on her and whipped it out.
 
Losien: “Don’t think you can just rip it up, my lawyer has another copy! Admittedly my lawyer eats rocks, let alone contracts, so my contract is kind of like Schrödinger's Cat at this point…”
 
Elon Musk: “Aha! See?”
 
Losien: “See what?”
 
Elon Musk: “Says here you own… The Ditch!”
 
Losien: “Yes. This is it.”
 
Elon Musk: “I think you’ll find this is Ditch Island! You just own some random ditch on this island.”
 
Losien spluttered.
 
Losien: “No! That’s not right at all! Don’t try to use semantics to pretend this hypercrap of yours will happen! Oi! Don’t ignore me! Get back--!”
 
However, Elon had kicked his throbbing… driller into gear and started burrowing deep into the earth.
 
Elon Musk: “See you later, losers! Make way! Rich man, coming through!”
 
Arnold: “Uh… what do we do?”
 
Losien: “Kick his fucking ass! That’s what!”

Our heroes have gathered around the hole Elon Musk's driller left behind, as the island rumbles.

Newb: "What's the plan, fearless leader?"

Losien: "The way I see it, we have three options."

Iriana: "Ask him nicely to stop?"

Losien: "Already tried that. Didn't work."

Iriana: "Maybe if we soften him up with tea ahead of time?"

Newb: "Great idea!"

Losien looks incredulously at Newb, as Iriana beams.

Newb: "A keg of boiling hot tea should mess up the machinery of that drill of his!"

Iriana: "Um, that's not exactly what I meant."

Losien: "Anyway! First option is to jump into the hole after him. We can ask Honeybee if she does clown drillers."

Arnold: "No way. Then she'll be making all sorts of innuendoes about her big driller."

The others grimace.

Losien: "Option two: we call Richard Branson and take advantage of his rivalry against Musk to have them duke it out."

Newb: "How is having two arrogant billionaires on the island going to make things better?"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "You know what they say, Newb! The enemy of my enemy is my end!"

Newb: "Well, if it's your end, that's okay..."

Aladdyn beams at her.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Thanks, Newb! That's awfully nice of you!"

Arnold: "What's the third option?"

Losien: "It's Elon Musk's wealth that lets him ignore legalities with virtual impunity, by throwing money at the problem. We can do a heist to steal it all!"

Newb: "Oooh, it's been a long time since I've done an infiltration into a high-security area."

She looks into the hole, conflicted.

Newb: "But on the other hand, option one would let me kick his ass. Decisions, decisions."

Iriana: "I like that plan! Can we swim in his gold after we steal it?"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Wait, are we sure we want to stop him? I'd kinda like to see this fantasy subway."

The others look aghast at him.

Losien: "You would?"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Yeah! I wonder what kind of a sub sandwiches a fantasy Subway makes!"

Losien and Newb slap him upside the head at the same time.

Losien: “How are we going to get down there?”
 
Newb: “Clearly we need a plan. Let’s go home, strategize a bit—”
 
Iriana: “Have some tea and biscuits!”
 
Newb pointed affirmingly at Iriana.
 
Newb: “And then maybe we can draft a plan of action in a few days. A week tops.”
 
Losien rolled her eyes.
 
Losien: “If you’re not firing guns at the drop of a hat, you want to meticulously plot everything. But I know you just don’t want to go down there and save them.”
 
Newb: “There could be anything down there!”
 
Iriana: “Like worms!!”
 
Newb: “Not quite what I was concerned about…”
 
Iriana: “I just watched that new Dune movie.”
 
Newb: “Oh! Those worms! Yeah. That would be bad.”
 
Losien: “There are no Dune sandworms on this island.”
 
There was a pause.
 
Losien: “Hopefully.”
 
Newb: “We could lure the sandworm… to eat Arnold and Aladdyn.”
 
Iriana: “Don’t you mean to eat the driller?”
 
Newb: “Sure. That too.”
 
Losien: “There is no worm! How could—”
 
Worm: “ROOOOOOOOOOOAR!!!!”
 
Iriana: “Pretty sure the sandworms in the movie didn’t say ‘roar’.”
 
The three women looked down. There was an average, little, garden worm.
 
Worm: “ROOOOAR! I AM MIGHTY WORM!”
 
Newb: “MONSTER! KILL IT!”
 
Iriana: “But it’s so cute!”
 
Worm: “FEAR ME FOR I AM WORM!”
 
Losien: “Careful, Iriana. It might bite.”
 
Newb: “It had no mouth.”
 
Losien: “It’s talking.”
 
Newb: “Uh… right. Because it not having a mouth is the strangest reason a worm is talking.”
 
Worm: “I AM WORM! TREMBLE BEFORE MY MIGHTY MIGHT AND DESPAIR AT YOUR DOOOOO—AAAAaaaaaargh!”
 
A sparrow swooped down and scooped up the mighty worm.
 
Losien: “Oh good. I was genuinely worried our next villain was going to be an actual worm. Standards are so low these days.”
 
RUMBLE!
 
Newb: “I think Aladdyn got hit on the head again.”
 
But, suddenly, water blasted from the hole and sent all three women skyrocketing into the air with three-pitches of surprised squeal. Tempting as it is to say that Newb was the one who squealed like a little girl for the sake of irony, nobody could ever out-squeal Iriana as she struggles to clasp her skirts, teacup and dignity.
 
When the fountain of rushing water finally petered out, the three of them came to a slow stop in the air – just in time to see a certain sparrow go by;
 
Worm: “RELEASE ME OR FEEL THE WRATH OF WORM!”
 
Now stuck at the top of this huge font of seawater, the three of them were being held up by water pressure, though they were being jostled about.
 
Iriana: “At least things can’t get any worse!”
 
Iriana grinned like an idiot while Losien and Newb glared visual daggers at her.
 
Aladdyn: “WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”
 
The two men on the team, forced along by greater initial pressure within the cave, shot straight past the women. They looked up to see the pair flailing in the sky, Aladdyn still clutching poor Arnold’s tail.
 
Newb: “I hope we didn’t look so stupid…”

Beneath the Ditch, several entities gather: the Council of Worms.

Worm #1: "We have been insulted and derided!"

Worm #2: "By both humans and sparrows!"

Worm #3: "This shall not stand!"

Worm #4: "Let us declare WAR!"

All across the world, worms inch out of the ground, worming their way towards their targets. Only for humans to ignore their ineffective "attacks" and sparrows to dive down and snatch them up.

Worm #1: "How can this be? We are the mighty WORMS!"

Worm #2: "They must have given themselves to dark gods!"

Worm #3: "Something almost as terrible as insulting and deriding us!"

Worm #4: "We have no choice. We must summon our most terrible weapon: the MIGHTY SANDWORM OF DUNE!"

They put on cultist cloaks and draw summoning pentagrams, chanting.

Worm #1: "Come to your mighty worm masters, mighty sandworm of Dune!"

Then Elon Musk's driller comes through the wall.

Worm #2: "It worked, it worked! I mean, uh, of course it worked! We are the mighty and intelligent WORMS after all!"

Worm #3: "Heed us, mighty sandworm! Crush our foes!"

Elon Musk doesn't see or hear them, and the driller runs right over them.

As Musk and his big… driller rolls on by, one of the worms wriggled a little and managed to get to a radio. How a worm is even using a radio with no mouth nor hands is something that may absorb Losien for hours, but the rest of us will just shrug.
 
Command Worm: “To any… remaining warriors… execute order… 17.”
 

---

 
Back above The Ditch, the mighty worm who is being held by the sparrow overhears the radio command from worm central.
 
Worm: “Order 17? Is that the order to raid the local KFC?”
 
A curse was spat through the radio.
 
Command Worm: “No! That’s order 54!”
 
Worm: “Um. Is it the one to kill the Jedi?”
 
Command Worm: “No! What the hell is a Jedi!? It’s the in-joke order because Team 17 are the game developers for the Worms games! It’s not funny if I have to explain the joke!”
 
Worm: “Aha! Of course!”
 
Command Worm: “Imma die now. Bye.”
 
Our mighty worm pulls out the holy hand grenade!
 
Worm: “May victory be ou--!”
 
Sparrow: “GULP!”
 
The worm was promptly eaten, hand grenade and all.
 
Aladdyn: “Hey! I can see my house from here!”
 
Arnold: “We are literally above our island, of course you can—wait, you have a house!? Why don’t I get a house?”
 
Aladdyn: “You can share my house with me if you want to! Just watch out when Newb comes in looking to steal Losien’s snacks.”
 
Arnold: “… are you sleeping in the kitchen?”
 
Aladdyn: “The official designation for my abode! Kit-chain! Very noble!”
 
Arnold: “I’m going to bleach every sandwich.”
 
Aladdyn: “Oh look! A birdie!”
 
The sparrow circled nearby.
 
Arnold: “We have more important things to deal with than a random sparrow, Aladdyn. Like becoming human pancakes when we hit the ground.”
 
Aladdyn: “I love pancakes!”
 
Arnold groaned and gave Aladdyn a sly look.
 
Arnold: “I wonder if a genie pancake will taste like blueberries.”
 
Aladdyn: “Well, my mom’s pancakes were usually cinnamon but—”
 
Within the Sparrow’s Stomach: “HALLELUJAH!”
 
Arnold: “That’s an oddly religious bird- WHOA!”
 
The holy hand grenade blew up, splattering the sparrow to the four winds and caused the two men to go rocketing sideways.
 
Aladdyn: “WHEEEE! BEST FAIRGROUND RIDE EVEEEEEEER!”
 
Arnold, on the other hand, threw up.
 
They went very quickly towards the ground.
 
Arnold: “Being killed by exploding birds is not how I wish to die!!!”
 
There was a jingle in the air. Aladdyn was, after all, still holding onto Arnold’s tail.
 
The next minute, Arnold felt the air through his fur like a light breeze and rather than going downwards, he was soaring along. At first, he thought his jetpack had kicked in and saved his life.
 
But then he noticed the talons around his body. He looked up to see a giant pterosaur that clutched Arnold and Aladdyn in each of its strong claws.
 
Arnold: “Oh crap. I don’t want to be eaten! That’s worse than pancakes!”
 
Aladdyn: “But pancakes are supposed to be eaten! What strange things do you do with pancakes?”
 
Arnold: “That’s not what I—”
 
Pterosaur: “Coo! Coo!”
 
There was a pause in Arnold’s brain.
 
Arnold: “Oooooookay. I guess I always expected dinosaurs to screech or roar not coo like pigeons…”
 
The pterosaur turned a beady eye to Arnold.
 
Pterosaur: “Coo?”

Newb: "Of course it's Aladdyn who brings them all here. I'm gonna snipe him from here."

Losien: "No objection from me, that dance is horrifying."

Iriana: "Oh! Are you going to put a dart full of tranquilizer tea in him? Good thinking! It'll end our predicament while making him feel better!"

Newb: "Sure. Let's go with that."

Newb pulls out an absurdly long sniper rifle and takes aim. As if sensing peril, the pterosaur flies right over here and... releases a bunch of white pigeon-like poop. Except, since it's coming from a pterosaur instead of a pigeon, it's huge and hurtles downward with deadly force.

Losien: "Scatter!"

They dive out of the way. The pterosaur poop hits the ground, and improbably, keeps going, piercing deep into the earth. There's soon a rumble, and Elon Musk's driller emerges from the hole, its windshield spattered with white pterosaur poop, so that it's very hard to see the enraged Elon Musk within.

Elon Musk: "You dirtied up my brand new expensive ride! You're going down, you overgrown pigeons!"

Pterosaurs: "Coo!"

They start dive bombing the driller en masse.

Losien, Newb and Iriana shake sand from themselves having thrown themselves from the top of the water fountain that had propelled them into the air earlier. Luckily sand is soft.
 
Losien: “I feel like a certain Writer forgot we were rolling around the top of that water spout…”
 
They look up to where the sea water is still blasting from the hole made earlier on.
 
Iriana: “Maybe the whole sea will drain and flood our island!”
 
Newb and Losien frown at Iriana.
 
Newb: “Sometimes I swear you’re deliberately trying to curse us by saying stuff like that.”
 
Losien: “Look out!”
 
The three dive again as pterosaur divebombs The Boring Company drill. Its ‘bomb’ splats on the ground where the three women had just been.
 
Losien: “We need to take cover!”
 
Newb: “We’re on a beach! There isn’t any cover!”
 
Losien: “Don’t you have something in your bag of infinite stuff!?”
 
Newb: “Sure! Lots of stuff! All of them deadly, none of them for cowering behind! Although I have a cannon somewhere, might be big enough…”
 
Losien: “Not even an umbrella?”
 
Newb: “Do I look like someone who has an umbrella!?”
 
They both turn to look at Iriana, who already has her parasol up. The two of them quickly huddle underneath it with her, ducking their heads because Iriana is so short.
 
And not a moment too soon.
 
Splat!
 
The three of them gasp in horror as everything around them is suddenly turned a sticky, goopy white.
 
Iriana: “My parasol!”
 
Newb: “Better it than us…”
 
Losing patience with the ‘bombings’, Elon Musk starts presses various important-looking buttons inside his big… driller.
 
Elon Musk: “Just as well I also own SpaceX! Boom time!”
 
Hatches on the driller open and big, thick rockets poke out.
 
Losien: “I’m starting to notice a theme about Musk.”
 
Newb: “Just be grateful Jeff Bezos isn’t here. His rocket is a literal massive co—”
 
There is a screech as the rockets fire from the driller. Unfortunately, as with most of Musk’s hot-air ideas, the rockets don’t work properly and they start whizzing everywhere like a swarm of angry, squealing insects.
 
Arnold starts screaming almost as loud as the rockets when the air is filled with explosions, pterosaur poop and the sound of Aladdyn singing.

Iriana: "But storybook heroes never go to jail for murder!"

Newb: "Storybook heroes are usually kings and princes who can get away with that."

Iriana: "I'm a princess, you know?"

Losien: "Not this again. It's an empty rock in the middle of the Atlantic!"

Newb: "The Mushroom Kingdom exists? And it's in the Atlantic?!"

Iriana: "Well, it did have some pretty mushrooms on it..."

Newb: "So you ate the mushrooms, had a trip that was either really good or really bad, and now you think you're a princess?"

Iriana: "No!"

She pauses.

Iriana: "The mushrooms made a good stew though."

Newb: "I knew it!"

Losien, Newb and Iriana resume their pointless beach party, now in swimsuits and playing beach volleyball, while Aladdyn and Arnold are bound for certain doom at the claws of a pterosaur flock and Elon Musk fires weapons indiscriminately into the sky.
 
Elsewhere, the Boring Company Headquarters is an imposing, concrete, grey building of uniform squareness. Within, the walls are painted the least offensive colour imaginable – beige. The floors are carpeted beige. The ceiling is painted beige. The desks and chairs are beige. What isn’t beige, is grey.
 
Boring Worker 1: “Looks like the CEO is squandering resources again…”
 
Boring Worker 2: “Yeah, living the good life. While we… work.”
 
Musak is playing from speakers at very low volume. The loudest noises of all are the infrequent typing of keyboards.
 
Boring Worker 1: “He’s on the phone now… do you want to talk to him?”
 
Boring Worker 2: “No thanks. I don’t want to have a heart attack from all the excitement.”
 
The phone continues to ring loudly. Somewhere in the office there is a stifled cough. Then Boring Worker 1 answers it.
 
Boring Worker 1: “Hello, Mr Musk. What can I—?”
 
Elon Musk: “I’m being attack by bloody flying reptiles! They’re crapping all over my big, fat, enormous—”
 
Boring Worker 1: “Ahem.”
 
Elon Musk: “Driller.”
 
Boring Worker 1: “That sounds… interesting.”
 
Elon Musk: “I need a new emergency driller! Stat!”
 
Boring Worker 1: “I believe stat is only used by medical professionals. Do you want me to call you an ambulance?”
 
Elon Musk: “What? No! Wait! I’ve had a brainstorm! What if we made a new kind of medicine that can cure ANYTHING!?”
 
Boring Worker 1: “That would be quite the medical breakthrough, Mr Musk.”
 
Elon Musk: “Yeah! Put out a press release that the new HyperCure will release sometime next year!”
 
Boring Worker 1: “Oh. I’m sure that will inflate stock value.”
 
Elon Musk: “Damn right it will! And invent that HyperCure while you’re at it.”
 
Boring Worker 1: “Oh…”
 
Boring Worker 2: “What about all the electric trucks and robots he never released?”
 
Elon Musk: “Invent those too! Wait, who is that?”
 
Boring Worker 1: “A co-worker.”
 
Elon Musk: “You’re fired!”
 
Boring Worker 2: “Oh joy…”
 
Elon Musk: “Send me new ordinance!”
 
Boring Worker 1: “We can’t do that, Mr Musk. You just fired the chief of ordinance.”
 
Elon Musk: “Okay, he’s rehired!”
 
Boring Worker 2: “I want a salary increase.”
 
Elon Musk: “… fine. I’ll pay you minimum wage.”
 
This causes something to snap in poor Boring Worker 2 as he pulls out a shotgun and shoots himself in the head.
 
Boring Worker 1: “Oh…”
 
Elon Musk: “Was that my ordinance!?”
 
Boring Worker 1: “Not exactly…”
 

---

 
Back on the island, the pterosaur holding Aladdyn and Arnold finally reached its destination – a pterosaur nest atop a mountain. Nearby some mutated goats bleat loudly, probably because every step feels like agony to their inflated testicles.
 
Arnold: “Why do those goats have massive b— oof!”
 
Arnold lifted himself off the nest. It was large and made of dozens of twigs and branches, as well as random objects like a washing machine, a bazooka, a king-sized bed and a copy of The Book of Dave.
 
The pterosaur flew away and, for a moment, Arnold breathed a sigh of relief. But, then he noticed several baby pterosaurs come scuttling towards them.
 
Arnold: “Oh crap! Oh crap! Oh—WAH!”
 
Suddenly, his jetpack kicked in again and he was sent flying off to the side and down the mountain. Bash! Crash! Smash! He landed in a heap at the bottom of the mountain with a curious goat licking his face.
 
At the top, Aladdyn watched Arnold fly off in an uncontrolled swoop, then looked at the hungry pterosaur chicks.
 
Aladdyn: “Um… Polly want a… uh… potato?”
 
The chicks dive on him with their beaks snapping.
 
Aladdyn: “WAAAAAAAAH! SAVE ME! I’M TOO OLD TO DIE!”

Aladdyn has somehow lulled the baby pterosaurs to sleep with his Kumbaya song.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Whew! Well done, me!"

Then the mother pterosaur flies back to the nest - only with the father pterosaur too! They look at Aladdyn with beady eyes, and then look at the sleeping babies.

Mother Pterosaur: "What magic is this? You got them to go to sleep? Finally?"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "You talk?"

The pterosaurs look at Aladdyn in just as much surprise.

Father Pterosaur: "You talk?"

Mother Pterosaur: "Do you know what this means?"

Father Pterosaur: "The hairless apes are actually intelligent, thus solving the age-old dinosaur philosopical debate on the topic?"

Mother Pterosaur: "No, it means we can finally go on a date together! Just the two of us!"

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Great! I'm happy for you. I'll just be going now."

He quickly gets up and steps out of the nest before anything else can happen.

Father Pterosaur: *in alarm* "Wait a second!"

It's too late. Aladdyn has forgotten that the nest is high up. Downward he plummets.

Arnold: "I don't get paid enough to keep saving Aladdyn from falls to his death!"