Louis: “Sorry, everything has changed so much since I was in charge of Hell. It’s similar, but different. It’s got to be around here somewhere.”
Hero Force One were plodding over desert dunes made of bright white salt that left red footprints as they tread upon it.
Magick: “Didn’t I see this in a movie?”
Magick stomped on the salt, splashing it everywhere and leaving a dark, red patch in the ground.
Above them was all black, creating a surreal black-and-white landscape all around them. Dotted all across the field of salt were gravestones, all identical. Louis had warned that dead lay to rest within each sepulture as they waited to move on to the next stage of their damnation.
Seraphim: “The calm before the storm, I suppose?”
Louis: “If you like.”
Seraphim: “I don’t like! I don’t like at all!”
Louis: “Just a turn of phrase, Sera.”
She ignored him and he tried to not let that bother him as he resumed his search. Hell didn’t quite exist within normal space-time. The place he wanted to find was simultaneously next to him and yet nowhere near him, at the same time. The paradoxical nature of the place only added to the deliberate chaos that was its quintessence. There was the constant sound of a distant gale, yet all was perfectly still until disturbed by the heroes.
Flax: “I thought you said all the spirits had left Hell?”
Louis: “Can’t move these ones. It would… you know, like moving a person on life support. It would not be good for them. I guess they’ll move on whenever their time in the salt is over.”
Magick: “Oh no!”
They all froze and turned to look at her. She had, unwittingly, stepped onto one of the graves. From the soil there was now a pale, decaying hand that had coiled its fingers around Magick’s little ankle. She was looking at everyone else, refusing to look down at the horrible monstrous limb, with beseeching eyes.
P.I. Funguy: “Louis?”
Louis: “Move slowly. Very slowly.”
Magick obeyed and gently moved her foot a few centimetres. The hand went with her, still grasped. It wasn’t a vice grip, more a curious hold. P.I. Funguy beckoned with both of his palms and knelt down on one knee to show he wasn’t going anywhere without her.
P.I. Funguy: “It’s alright, kiddo. I’m here. You just gotta be patient. Little by little.”
Flax: “Uh, I think they’re all waking up.”
He held his ray gun aloft and was scanning the desert, spotting curious hands groping from within the salt.
Louis: “They’ll settle down once we get Magick away from this one.”
Flax: “Is blasting it with death rays not an option, I take it?”
Louis: “That’ll wake them all up for sure.”
Flax kissed his ray gun goodnight.
Flax: “Sorry, babe. Maybe next time.”
Winters: “Oh! So lovely! I wish I could be kissed that way…”
Flax perked up.
Flax: “I’ll join the long line of men eager to kiss a beautiful dame like you, honeypie.”
Winters looked around.
Winters: “Where?”
Flax: “…where do you want to kiss, you mean?”
Winters: “Where’s the line of men!? I want to be kissed by all of them!”
Flax choked.
Flax: “Well, well, well, you don’t want to develop a reputation, do you know?”
Winters: “Oh yes! I would love a reputation!”
Flax: “Uh, well, right. You probably want to turn down most men who offer to kiss you and just kiss some of them.”
Winters: “Oh. That’s not as much fun.”
Benjamin: “Don’t listen to him, Winters. You do whatever makes you happy.”
Winters: “Okay! Will you kiss me?”
Benjamin’s cheeks flushed and he cleared his throat with as much decorum as he could muster.
Benjamin: “I’m sorry, I only kiss women I’m dating.”
Winters: “Will you date me?”
Benjamin: “B-B-But aren’t you a robot?”
Winters: “Oh, you don’t like robots?”
Benjamin: “It’s not that! I love robots! I just—”
Winters: “Oh! You love robots!?”
She clapped her hands excitedly.
Flax: “You’ve done it now. You said the L word.”
Benjamin: “But I didn’t say it like that! I said it—”
Seraphim: “Almost…”
Louis frowned.
Louis: “We could always fight our way through if we need to…”
He looked across the sea of graves.
Louis: “But I don’t fancy our odds.”
Seraphim: “No need to take that risk. She can do this. You keep searching for that station.”
Louis: “Right.”
He reluctantly turned from them and marched past Winters, who was puckering up her lips towards Benjamin. Louis blinked in surprise.
Benjamin: “Please, Winters. This isn’t going to work.”
Winters pulled back and looked at him with wide, hurt eyes.
Winters: “You’re breaking up with me already!?”
Benjamin: “We were never—I mean—just, we need to actually date first.”
Winters: “I saw dating on an app called Tinder. But nobody ever replied to me. They would all swipe left.”
Flax: “I find that hard to believe.”
Benjamin: “Did you have pictures of yourself on there? I know you’re a robot, but I know there are plenty of guys who would even prefer a robot!”
Winters: “Well actually, I used pictures of my master.”
The two men facepalmed.
Benjamin: “You should stop calling him that.”
Winters: “He always says that too. But it’s in my programming.”
Flax: “You can call me master, if you’d like?”
He grinned.
Winters: “No thank you.”
Flax didn’t know if he should feel hurt or not.
Flax: “Rejected. So politely!”
Louis: “Before I met Seraphim, I never swiped left. I always swiped right!”
Benjamin: “No surprise from an incubus…”
Louis: “I wasn’t an incubus at the time!”
Benjamin: “But now we all know why you became one!”
Louis: “Actually that was just an unfortunate circumstance. But honestly, it wasn’t about the sex! I just thought it was more interesting to always say yes. The girl feels good about herself and I got to meet someone new! Do you know how many crazy people I met? It was pretty awesome.”
Winters looked at him eagerly.
Winters: “Sex! What’s it like!?”
Benjamin winced, Flax beamed and Louis laughed.
Winters: “Did I say something wrong?”
All at once the three men replied;
Benjamin: “Yes!”
Flax: “No!”
Louis: “Not really.”
Flax slithered around Winters and leaned his shoulder towards hers.
Flax: “I am something of a sex… connoisseur. I can show you everything you need to know.”
Winters: “Well, I do understand the basic parameters. Men have dangly bits and women have inny bits. I’m pretty sure I can learn it quickly!”
Flax: “I’m a great teacher!”
Benjamin was bubbling with anger. Rarely did he get angry, preferring to let the world slide over him, but he couldn’t stand to see a girl he liked being pulled along by this lecherous swine.
Benjamin: “Get your slimy hands off her!”
Flax: “Hold up there, pal! No need for that!”
Benjamin: “Didn’t you hear? She’s going on a date with me now!”
Louis: “Well, this isn’t going to get complicated at all. I’m sure.”
Winters: “Like your relationship with Seraphim, right?”
Louis: “That’s my cue to leave. Have fun, gynoid.”
Winters: “I will! Especially the sex part!”
Benjamin: “How did Britt not teach you better manners than this, Winters?”
He rubbed his eyes.
Winters: “Oh, I’m sorry if I was rude. I can change. I can get a programming alteration, if that will make you happy?”
Benjamin snapped awake.
Benjamin: “No! Heavens no! I would never expect you to change who you are on my account, Winters! You shouldn’t change for anyone, in fact.”
Winters: “Oh good! I was afraid my master might refuse to the upgrade anyway!”
Benjamin: “Okay, but maybe we can change this master business…”
Louis couldn’t hear any more of their conversation as he finally reached the peak of one of the dunes. Before him was the endless sea of salt, unblemished, pure and silent. Yet, somewhere, out there, was the station. Sheol was the harbour for the helltrain and he intended to find it, so they might quicken their journey through these dangerous lands.
As a demon, he had an intrinsic connection to Hell, able to feel it as much as anyone could touch, hear, see, smell. It was like a limb, he could move it and manipulate it. As he had been the last ruler of Hell - and a very good Devil in his own, modest, opinion – he knew more about the land than most other demons, even those born as demons rather than ascending to demonic status, as he had.
But the lands were no longer his and they had changed much. He struggled to bend the land to his will and found that he was even struggling to simply search the land. As his consciousness crept outwards, like invisible tentacles, something grabbed his mind. It was a grip, much like the decaying hand from the grave, which then yanked hard. He found himself dragged through Sheol until he was flung to the ground.
Instead of salt, his face landed in faeces.
He leapt to his feet in disgust and tried to wipe the faecal matter from his face, only to find his hands were covered in it too. He tried to hold his breath but the smell wormed its way to his scent glands anyway. He put his nose into the nook of his elbow.
Nergal: “Welcome to my pit, Mister Nine!”
The tall figure of a man emerged from the black that surrounded the dung heap. He wore the skin of a lion on his back and its head as a hood, though it had teeth akin to a sabretooth tiger. He stood with a hunched back and his grey skin clung to the skeleton tightly. He had no teeth, only blackened gums, and his eyes were deep pits from which stared two, tiny, blue lights.
Louis: “Nergal! What’re you playing at? I don’t have time for you!”
Nergal: “Don’t have time for me? Don’t have time for me? Don’t have time for me?”
He danced along the shit hill and cackled. He held a gnarled staff in his hand, which was tipped with a skull-like figurehead. Fairly generic, villainous flair, except the skull was cackling too.
Skulltula: “Don’t have time for me! Don’t have time for me! Don’t have time for me!”
Louis grit his teeth. Under normal circumstances he could have whisked himself away, or even given Nergal a beat down, but as Nergal was now the dominant force over Sheol, and Louis was no longer the Devil, poor Acidspitter was stranded up shit creek. Literally.
Nergal: “Mister Nine is seeking the helltrain, is he not?”
The decrepit creature snaked his way over to Louis. His fingers crawled over the wood of the staff, constantly squeezing it. The creature atop of it was a skull with eight bone-legs hanging from it. The legs wiggled excitedly as it drew closer to Louis.
Skulltula: “Mister Nine is seeking the helltrain, is he not!?”
While Nergal spoke with a low wheeze, constantly gasping for breath through his nasal passages, Skulltula screeched loudly.
Louis: “What if I am? What’s that to you?”
Nergal: “The master would like to know this, certainly!”
The word ‘master’ fell from the lips of Nergal as though he had spewed the word rather than spoke it. Not like the peppy way that Winters had been saying it. Louis didn’t like to hear people use the word ‘master’ unless it was being used to address him. When he was the ‘master’, it was a term that evoked security and certainty. When it was used to describe someone else, it was a threat.
Skulltula: “The master would like to know this, certainly!!”
Skulltula turned on its stick and the bones rattled.
Louis: “I see, so you want to bribe me, is that it? Fine then, Nergy. What do you want?”
Nergal: “I am NOT… Neeeergy. Ner-gal!”
He growled and whined his words.
Skulltula: “Nergy, hahaha!”
Nergal whipped the staff down and smashed Skulltula into the poop pile. The creature spluttered and wailed.
Louis: “That wasn’t very nice.”
Nergal: “Nice!? Nice!? Mister Nine wants me to be nice!? That was your failing, Mister Nine! Too much nice! This is Hell! This is Hell! This is Hell!”
Skulltula: “This is Hell! This is Hell! This is Hell!”
Skulltula coughed up faeces as it screeched. Louis tried to ignore it. He was no complete stranger to disgusting and disturbing sights in Hell, but he never enjoyed the shit ones. (NSN: hur hur hur)
Louis: “You know, it wouldn’t kill you to have some air freshener in here.”
Nergal: “What is he talking about? What is he talking about?”
Skulltula: “What is he talking about!? What is he talking about!?”
Louis: “Like one of those little pine trees you get in cars.”
Nergal: “What? What? What?”
Skulltula: “What!? What!? What!?”
Louis: “Or if you want to splurge a bit, you could get one of those Glade Plug-ins!”
Nergal: “Nonsense! Just give us what we want! Just give us what we want! Give us what we want!”
He hopped up and down in front of Louis in a petulant, childish anger.
Skulltula: “Just give us what we want!! Just give us what we want!! Give us what we want!!”
Louis: “What do you want?”
Nergal: “Your pooooower!!”
Skulltula: “Your poooooooooooower!!!!”
Nergal: “Your poooooooooooooooower!!!!!”
Skulltula: “Your poooooooooooooooooooooow—argh!”
Nergal started swinging the staff through the air angrily.
Nergal: “Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!”
Louis: “If I give you my demonic powers, there’s no way my team could make it through Hell.”
Nergal growled a wicked laugh.
Nergal: “Not the problem of Nergal.”
Skulltula: “Not the problem of Nergal! Or Skulltula.”
Nergal yanked Skulltula down and growled at it.
Louis considered his options while Nergal continued to fight with his staff. He could give up his incubus powers, and any residual powers that may still be lingering within him from his days as Devil, and thus keep him and his team a secret from Nergal’s mighty master. There were a lot of extremely powerful Demon Lords in Hell and even those that served each Demon Lord was a tremendously potent force. But the most dangerous leaders of Hell were the Seven Princes. Nergal served one of them – Beelzebub. That was one Demon Prince that Louis wouldn’t want to encounter even when he was Devil.
He had no particular attachment to his powers, or his demonic nature. In fact, he wondered if his relationship with Seraphim would improve if he lost them. He would never be able to relinquish them on his own, they had to be taken from him by another demon, so he may never have another opportunity to do so.
However, he really wouldn’t like to be in Hell without someone of the demon family on their side. They would inevitably become lost within this labyrinth of evil and never be able to escape, never mind find the missing Britt or stop the great masterplan of evil.
Louis: “I’m sorry, Nergy, but I have to say no.”
Nergal: “Fool! Fool he is! Fool he is!”
Skulltula: “Fool!! Fool he is!! Fool he is!!”
Nergal: “Then my prince shall know of Mister Nine! Know of Mister Nine and the Hero Force!”
Skulltula: “…what he said!”
Louis: “That’s a risk I’ll have to take.”
Nergal: “Perhaps some time here. Alone. In the mire. This will change the mind of Mister Nine…”
Skulltula: “Change the mind of Mister Nine!”
Louis drew a deep breath. The stench swept through his nose and his mouth so that he could actually taste the faecal particles upon his tongue. His stomach, already weak, gave way. This only added to Louis’ intention;
The acid sprayed through the air in a great torrent. It fell upon the skin of Nergal, who screamed and howled in agony. His concentration broken, Louis was able to break free from the cesspit. His being flew across space-time until, suddenly, he landed gently upon the ground again. He found himself at the helltrain station.
It appeared to be a peaceful, little village station that could have appeared in any quaint town in Europe. A dainty building with red-painted walls and a roof that was tipped with ornamented iron. The track was clean and tidy, though it appeared to plunge down into a lake as it left the station. Louis walked along the deserted station until he reached the building and went inside. There he found the ticket seller. A skeleton with a fat cigar.
Louis: “Hi there.”
Ticket Skeleton: “Good day to you, Sir! Welcome to the helltrain! It’s a pleasure to serve you, today!”
Louis: “Nice to meet someone polite for a change.”
Ticket Skeleton: “Not enough manners in Hell these days, Sir. Once upon a time, a demon could be pleasant and ruthless. You could slay a man and rape his corpse and piss on his grave and still be nice about it! Like a proper gentleman! An outdated stock of sensibilities now, they tell me. Pity, pity.”
Louis: “Riiiiiiiiiiiight.”
Ticket Skeleton: “So, where are you off to today. Good Sir? A trip to Abaddon, perhaps? They tell me you can really get a sense of terror in that endless fall, you know? I’d love to try it for myself one day. Can’t ever seem to get the time off.”
Louis glanced around.
Louis: “Why not? It’s not very busy.”
Ticket Skeleton: “That’s precisely the problem, Sir! Not enough customers to bother hiring a second ticket seller. So, it’s just me. The stalwart guardian of the helltrain.”
Louis: “Are you familiar with most regions of Hell then? I’m acquainted with some, but never really got the opportunity to learn them all.”
Ticket Skeleton: “I would consider myself a tour guide to Hell, Sir! I’m a fan of geography and, as you can see, knowing destinations is my job!”
Louis tilted his head as he looked at the cigar.
Louis: “Do you need some help lighting that?”
Ticket Skeleton: “Huh? Oh, no thanks! I haven’t any lips or lungs to enjoy it, even if it were lit! This is part of my punishment, anyway. Have to keep it in my mouth for all eternity.”
Louis: “It is?”
Ticket Skeleton: “I was the C.E.O. of a tobacco company in life. I killed millions, you know?”
Louis: “I see. Sorry about that.”
Ticket Skeleton: “Honestly, given the death toll, I’d say I got off lightly. Though most have vacated Hell now, here I remain. Still with my cigar and my train.”
Louis: “If my friend describes a place to you, do you reckon you’d be able to figure out where it is?”
The skeleton mused. At least Louis thought that’s what it was doing, it was difficult to tell since it had no expressions.
Ticket Skeleton: “I would wager so!”
Louis: “Good news! Thanks, dude. I’ll be back!”
Ticket Skeleton: “Ha! Good one! Because I’m a skeleton, right?”
Louis: “Huh?”
Ticket Skeleton: “Like the Terminator.”
Louis: “Oh. I don’t really watch movies.”
Ticket Skeleton: “There’s a surprise! I thought everyone watched movies!”
Louis: “I prefer music, to be honest.”
Ticket Skeleton: “I’ll be sure to tell the train conductor to get some decent music playing on the train for you then!”
Louis gave the skeleton the v for peace and threw himself through Sheol again. It was much easier now, so he guessed that the hold of Nergal had been the reason for his earlier difficulties.
He landed, softly, on the salt. Before him was a horde of awoken undead.
Louis: “What in the shit happened!?”
The only hero left was Ffion Heul. She was slicing through the zombies with her ruhand, mowing them down in droves. However these were the fast, rampaging kind of zombies and not the shuffling moron kind. It would only be a matter of time before she was overwhelmed.
Ffion: “Where the fuck have you been, asshat!?”
With her soul-channelling, she threw one of the bodies of the undead straight at him. He ducked and heard it growl its way over his head.
Louis: “I was looking for our way out of here! What did you do!? I told Magick to move slowly!”
Ffion: “Nothing! We literally did nothing! Magick even got free of Mr Gropy without a hitch. We trekked a bit, mostly waiting for you to come back--!”
She paused to fire a blast of soul energy into the crowd. It appeared as crackling, pink lightning. Several zombies burst into flames and fell over, setting more of them alight.
Ffion: “They all just burst out of the ground at once, like they were about to break out into a musical number!”
Louis: “Why does everyone assume I watch movies?”
Zombies started taking notice of him and they ran at him from their graves. They were growling and panting hungrily. He drew a breath and belted acid towards them. It struck several at the front and instantly melted them, but the pool that then formed on the ground worked it way through any of the feet than stepped upon it and a pile of zombies ensued. Several started to drag themselves along the salt with their hands.
Louis: “Where is everyone else?”
He had to spit some acid out to get his words through.
Ffion: “They ran off and ditched me!”
Louis looked up with shock.
Louis: “Seriously?”
Ffion: “No, you stupid fucker! I told them to get to safety, I’m just slowing them down!”
She backed up and Louis moved to join her.
Louis: “You are the rudest superhero in the world, you know that?”
Ffion: “And you are the most useless!”
Louis: “Clearly you’ve never heard of Arm-fall-off Boy.”
Ffion: “I really hope that’s a joke.”
Louis: “Run! With me!”
The two of them sprinted. The undead that were still standing, gave chase, and more were on the way. The horizon seemed to be filled with them.
Further along they saw the others fending off more undead that had caught up to them. Ffion fell upon the rear of the horde. Her ruhand made short work of their decaying, weak bodies and Louis was worried she revelled in the slaughter a little too much.
Louis concentrated and he twisted Hell space-time to suit his desires. The world warped and then, in an instant, they were at the helltrain station. Unfortunately, so were hordes of zombies.
Louis: “Oops.”
Ffion: “Great work there, genius.”
She kicked a zombie, putting her soul behind it, so hard that it exploded. Magick conjured up a gale that blew the immediate zombies over and pushed them along the station deck until they toppled onto the track. Just a minute later and the helltrain suddenly burst out of the lake and came upon the track. The undead were squished, slowly, as the helltrain came to a grinding halt.
Ticket Skeleton: “All aboard!”
He was trying to sell tickets to the zombies.
Louis: “We need to ask that guy if he recognises where Britt is. Winters, quick!”
Winters wasn’t much of a fighter. She usually tried to stay out of combat altogether, but seeing her new boyfriend was in trouble, she yanked at a zombie’s arm. The arm came off.
She looked at it, then at the zombie. She whacked the undead with the arm, as though it was a baseball bat and sent it flying.
Louis: “Winters! Ratty can manage without you!”
Benjamin got up, dusting down his trousers.
Benjamin: “Don’t call me that.”
Seraphim: “I’ll go with Winters, everyone else get on the helltrain!”
The group did as told.
The train was open-aired, with only a canopy overhead, so they were still fighting off the zombies even when they had boarded their ride. At the front of the train was another skeleton.
Driver Skeleton: “Just got word ya’ll like a bit ‘o music? How’s this!?”
The speakers on the helltrain’s carriages suddenly blare out the top hits of Barry Manilow. They are now confronted with cheesy, old-fashioned, romantic pop music while fighting for their lives against undead.
Ffion: “This really IS Hell!!!”
